Here's your big chance to share the love. Phillip Coons needs your help to make Delusional Duck the successful multi-poster newsblog it wants to be.
Participation is incredibly easy. Just create an account and you've got posting power. The article entry form is clear and well laid out - just put the link, source, news blurb and your comments in the correct boxes and they come out the other side all Ducky. That is to say, formatted nicely in the Delusional Duck format.
Like Phil says, "If the article you post interests you, chances are it will interest our other readers as well."
Go for it!
The maximum acceptable number of children in a car is two. I have proof.
Burger (3): Where are we going?Lovely Wife: We're going home now.
Bacon (4): Are we there yet?
Me: Yeah, we're there. Hop on out.
Bacon: Are not! We're still driving!
Me: Why so we are!
Burger: Where are we going?
Lovely Wife: We're going home!
Bacon: I want to go home!
Me: We are going home!
Burger: Where are we going?
Me: We're going to Disney World.
Bear (5): Really?!?
Me: No. We're going home.
Bear: That bites.
One is the magic number, Clancy.
Tiffani wins first prize for the Bumper Sticker contest. She was the only entrant but she was the obvious winner right off the bat. Probably why nobody else bothered to challenge her. After all, how can you improve upon perfection?
Five points for Tiffani!
Clancy has revealed his news. He's married and pregnant! Luckily, so is GF. The big winner of the Guess Clancy's News contest was me. Hah! I rule!
I'd like to thank the Academy, my agent and all of the people who didn't guess as well as I did.
My points are a bit reduced though as Helen, Kathleen and Holly each extorted a point from me. What can I say? I'm helpless against the power of estrorage*.
That clears the docket for points posts at the moment but we'll get some more up soon. I've got a Shamming/Sharing in the works and an excellent photo for a caption contest.
* I've proven to be quite the coward in this regard so threats upon my life will continue to be paid off with my personal points until they are depleted.
March has two of my favorite holidays.
First is the male version of Valentine's Day. On March 14 we welcome with open arms and legs Steak and BJ Day! This is the wonderful day when the ladies can show their fellas how much they appreciate all of the time, effort and cashola that they expend for the give-your-gal-a-gift-days. And it is so easy! Just treat your fella to a nice steak and then fellate his stake. There's still time to get involved with Michele's fellatio haiku contest.
On March 15 we welcome Eat An Animal For PETA Day. This festive event pays reverse tribute to America's biggest homegrown terrorist group by consuming vast quantities of animalia. Fire up the barbie and eat an animal for PETA!
Next time you're on an elevator, instead of staring up at the floor level indicator, turn around and stare at the back of the elevator. This works better if there are other people on the elevator.
(This does have the inherent problem of you not knowing when you get to your floor but a clever elevatrix can turn that into an adventure in itself.)
"Separate but equal" applies to only two things in this world - earrings and breasts.
Be the first person to name the quotee and win 3 points!
Clancy put up a teaser post. A "got news, tell ya later" thingy.
I'm not patient enough. I want to know the news now. So, y'all go over there and take a guess at what the news is. The first commenter with the correct news wins 5 points. Anybody who makes coffee come out of my nose will also get points.
Sorry, Clancy. You're sort of excluded from this contest.
Contest is open until Clancy posts the big reveal.
Just to be clear - make your guesses at his place. It's more irritating that way. ;-)
I would comment further but I can't see the screen well through my tears.
(Hat tip to Randall)
THE "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" BLOGGER QUIZ
1. Who the hell do you think you are?
By day I am Jim Peacock, intemperate humorist and caller of attention to the myriad wonders of life. By night I am usually asleep.
2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
I'm a Quality Assurance Specialist. One way to look at this would to say I ensure that the software developed my company is error free and up to spec before it is released to our customers. Another way to look at it is that I have done my job well if I can reduce the hard work of my development counterparts to so much slagged code pudding on a semi-regular basis.
3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
I wrote jokes and "meaningful passages" in a whole shit-load of yearbooks back in high school.
4. Do you even read newspapers?
Newspapers? I thought those were just to get the burn barrel started.
5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
Hell, I don't even watch FOX News propaganda. The only television news I get are the advertisements for local newscasts. Stuff like "All of the water in Georgia condemned by the CDC. Tune in at 11."
6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
Yeah, but it's NPR that I listen to. A couple of times each week when I'm driving myself to work.
7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
How rude. Calling me a parrot. It's "Peacock", thank you very much.
8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
Mostly because they are so incredibly annoying. That and the old "a weapon unused is a useless weapon" argument.
9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
What does the one have to do with the other? There are millions of people right here in the States who are from other countries and lack a passport. If they don't need one then why should I?
10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
I've been to Canada and Mexico. Although the titty bars in Canada are much cleaner the hookers cost way more. Other than that they're pretty similar.
11. If your so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?
Actually, I tried. Bureaucratic inefficiency and incomprehensible discharge documents prevented me from re-enlisting.
12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?
Yeah, I do. I was a Navy Corpsman. I worked in Balboa Naval Hospital and treated quite a few downed sailors (including a SEAL who I wasn't allowed to talk to and I was not allowed to refer to the gaping holes in his back as shotgun wounds). For my Reserve duties we used to train at the VA hospital. Lots of horror there too.
I've never had any goo-faced friends but I admit to being a bit shallow in that regard.
13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
Just your sister.
14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!
I'm a poppa, I'm a hubby, I'm a midnight libertarian. I take my music on the run.
So, Hunter S.Thomson is dead. Who, you may ask, was Hunter S.Thomson? No, of course you won't ask that as you and every other person in the free world, with the notable exception of yours truly, knows who the hell he was. Not only that but everybody also seems to either despise or adore him unconditionally.
Here's what I've been able to pick up from reading tribute posts:
- He was a poet
- He had some very meaningful works a long time ago
- He coined the term "gonzo journalism"
- He used a lot of drugs
- He had a hobby of introducing drugs to others
- He was a bitter and depressed man
- He killed himself
- He wrote a Johnny Depp movie*
My thoughts run something along these lines:
Hunter? Dude? Suicide? How freaking stereotypical!
Come on now! This isn't news. A depressed poet past his prime offs himself and people are acting shocked and amazed. Suicide and murder are the only ways that depressed poets past their prime leave this mortal coil. It's stipulated in their job contracts so the publishing companies can get residual sales.
That's not news. It's what lets obituary writers work ahead a bit.
You want news? Show me a poet that lives happily to a ripe old age and dies peacefully in bed. Now that's news.
* This item may be out of proper order.
Next time you make a big purchase - big screen TV, car, house, trailer full of radishes, etc - when you get to the end of the haggle phase put a confused look on your face and say "You know, numbers that big are just hard to get your head around. What would that be in cases of beer?"
Now that I think about it, this might work even better for very small purchases like a pack of gum.
I've done a bit of sidebar work. Did you notice? The Snooze Points section has moved up a bit and there's an addition to it. Posts that have open points still available are now listed. Yay!
I'm also going to reiterate the introduction and rules and link this post in the sidebar for reference.
Snooze Points - what the hell?
Snooze Points are a year-long contest for my readers. Every so often there will be a post with a bit of trivia, a contest, or something else for readers to answer. The person who gets the trivia question correct first, or the person who does best in the contest will get points. The number of points depends on how difficult I think the trivia bit was or how big the contest was. Some contests will have multiple winners (Grand prize, runner ups).
During the season every player who has at least one point gets a link in the sidebar. When it gets too full the top 10 will be listed with regular links and the rest will be collapsed (like my blogroll). The links are still on the first page though so you'll always have that going for you.
At the end of the season the overall point leader gets a present. Last season's winner (Rob from XSet) got some stylin custom t-shirts and the story behind them. The top few finishers stay linked at the top of the Snooze Points section through the entire next season.
The rules
No computer assisted searching is the only real rule. That means no Googling, imdb-ing, MapQuesting, Mirriam-Webstering, etc. Just plain no ing-ing.
Other references are more than acceptable. Got a book? Look it up. Mom is a movie quote buff? Ask her. Remember me writing about it a year ago? Browse my archives - just don't use the search function on my site.
It's all about having a bit of fun. Keep it honest, keep it light, profanity is encouraged.
Stealth Points
These are sneaky little demonic trivia bits that can be stuck just about anywhere. If you see something in one of my posts that is a movie quote, book quote, or otherwise would have served as a decent trivia question, it could be a stealth point.
Just shout out in the comments with something like this: Stealth point! [answer/source/whatever]. But instead of [answer/source/whatever] put in your answer, source, or whatever.
Notifications
If you'd like to be put on the notification list for when a Snooze Point post goes up just send me an email and I'll stick you on the list. I don't always remember to send out notifications but it's a free service so you really do get more than you paid for in any case.
Eminent domain is the power of the government to seize private property to put it to public use. They might do this to put in a railroad line or an interstate, perhaps a parking lot for the court building or to demolish slums. It's also been used by various nefarious officials to blatantly steal people's property.
The Supreme Court is hearing an eminent domain case now. They will rule whether or not the government of New London can kick landowners out of their homes so a new Cosco can be built. Okay, that's a bit of a paraphrase but it's essentially the way it is. New London wants to seize 15 homes and then give the peninsula of Fort Trumbull to private developers.
The government argues that they need to redistribute this land in order to build up the tax base, create jobs and improve the very sad economy of New London. They say that developers are not interested in building up Fort Trumbull unless all of Fort Trumbull is given to them. The land owners refuse to give up their family homes and legal property so Pfizer can build another parking lot on free land.
The repercussions of this case will be widespread. If the Court determines that "public use" includes gifting one person's private property to another private interest every single land owner is in danger. There is no private home (possibly excepting Graceland) that would not be a better income generator if it was replaced with a WalMart.
My position is pretty obvious: The profit of the many does not outway the rights of the few.
Okay, so I lied about the peanuts. The other two are the honest truth though. Go see the New Blog Carnival Showcase Extravaganza Supreme Delicio (#2) to be amazed and delighted.
And bring peanuts.
What's your squirrel name?
Frighteningly enough, my alterego's name comes up as General Dangleberry. What are the odds that my given name and a psychotic made-up name would end up so similarly in squirrelese?
(Hat tip to Nibbles Fluffycheeks)
It's almost an oxymoron. MTV - Music Television. Turn on MTV at almost any hour of the day and you'll see partying teens or a reality show. The few videos they still play are during request shows and it's the same 10 videos as last week, every week.
Over the weekend Lovely Wife and I watched an hour or so of "classic" music videos on VH1. These are videos from the 1980's for the most part. It was quite a trip through retro-ville, let me tell you.
And I now know why MTV started moving away from actually playing videos in the 1980's. It's because these videos suck with the terrible and inexorable strength of a black hole.
I'm just saying.
(Hat tip to Delusional Duck)
My irregular posting of some of the best stuff I've read recently.
Not So Sweet - Tre explores the recent history of sweetener, and gives out the grand secret of how to eat sweet without getting cancer or the mange.
Snot Rockets in Costa Rica - Flibby's vacation is going ... well. That's "well" as in a big empty hole in the ground, of course.
Congress shall make no law... - Claire speaks out on censorship, the federally mandated kind.
TiVo Customer Support - 8ZERO8 has an encounter of the automated kind.
Oh, I guess I don't. - Everything you ever wanted to know about Tiffany? Well, here's your chance to ask her.
Just got back from Atlanta... - Annette and family have found a house. The ranks of the voluntary southerners is increasing!
WAAAAAH! I NEVER GET ANY TRAFFIC! - This could be the coolest thing since the shortlived MemeBlog. Harvey has found a place that makes submitting your posts to the various carnivals as easy as 1, 2, 3.
Yesterday evening we got a visit from some new neighbors. It was not a pleasant experience. They just bought a house down the street and moved in a short while ago. They've got a fenced back yard where they keep two dogs.
Nine-eye, our much loved neighborhood dog, went visiting. Although he is very timid with people he is very social with other dogs. Being a large boy and an experienced fence jumper he has no difficulty getting into their back yard. Our new neighbors are not pleased with his actions.
Perhaps "not pleased" is a bit of an understatement. What they are is angry enough that they threatened to kill Nine-eye if he goes into their yard again.
Yes, the mister said flat out that if we didn't keep Nine-eye out of his yard he would kill the dog.
This upset me greatly, but wasn't what brought me within inches of my first adult fist fight. What pissed me off even more than his threat was his qualifier, which he kept mouthing as if it absolved him of any consequence of his actions.
"I don't mean to be hateful, but..."
"I don't want to sound hateful, but..."
"I'm not trying to be hateful, but..."
Finally I couldn't hear that any more. My blood was boiling and I was about to pop. I looked him straight in the eye and said "I cannot imagine anything more hateful than that". Proud of me? I sure am. What I really wanted to say included colorful expressions about his person and a goodly dose of vitriol.
As it was, my simple words calling him on the carpet difused what was becoming a very bad situation. After I said that he got quiet for a few moments and when he spoke again the belligerence was gone. I got him to agree to call us if he saw Nine-eye in his yard again. Hopefully if we scold Nine-eye it will be more effective than him chasing the dog out of his yard.
It will not be a permanent solution. Nine-eye is very canine social. He wants to be with other dogs. He will return there eventually. Although we were able to reason with these new neighbors I do not think they will remain reasonable for very long. A person who'll come up to your house and tell you he is going to kill your dog is not the kind of person who strikes me as being reasonable for any length of time.
So what can we do? The best long-term solution is to get him out of his dangerous environment. Lovely Wife has started looking for a permanent home for him. He's a wonderfully friendly dog, very gentle and easy to handle. Once he's comfortable with a person, that is. He is very timid with most folk but recognizes "dog people" pretty quickly. He is quite smart and very social. I think he would be an excellent house dog after some patient training. He would also do very well as a yard dog but the fences need to be jumper-proof and he would absolutely need other dogs around him.
If you're in the Atlanta Metro area and would like to own a wonderful animal, please let me know. Heck, if you're outside of the Atlanta Metro area but would like to own a wonderful animal this is the perfect excuse to come see the delights of the area and pick up a pet while you're here. If you know anybody who might be interested please point them to this entry.
Update: Lovely Wife took some new pictures of Nine-eye. They're at the post linked above. Damn, that's one handsome dog! Here's one of them. He's tied up so he won't go into that backyard. This makes him very sad.
Remember this little game? It was fun and I've had some movie quotes bouncing around in my head so I'm playing it again. Here's the modified SBD rules for the game:
- Pick 13 movies that you enjoy.
- Pick a line of dialog that you like.
- As people guess the film, strike out that entry.
- NO cheating!!! That means NO: Google, IMDb, searching my archives etc.!
- First person to correctly guess each entry gets a point. If there are any left after 24 hours they are worth 2 points.
Quotey bits are in the extended entry. Game on!
I think we might need to declare the breakroom a conversation free zone.
Gal 1: Great haircut!Gal 2: Thanks! You really like it?
Gal 1: Yeah! It really shows off your breasts.
I just can't imagine going up to a male coworker and saying "Hey, Tom - great haircut. It really makes your cock stand out."
Is it just me?
The results of the Drag Queen Cat Fight are in. Sorry it took so long. We had to wait for the Ohio returns to be validated. The winners, in traditional reverse loser order, are:
Second runner up (1 point)
There isn't one! It's a tie for first runner up!
First runner up (3 points)
Princess Red (aka Kenny) and Maxi Hemlock (aka Helen) with 4 votes each.
The most draggish of the drag queens (5 points)
ShyAnne Havenwood (aka Holly) with a runaway 12 votes!
Congratulations, Ladies!
Disclaimer: Vegans, vegetarians and lovers of cuddly animals should not read this entry, which has been courteously concealed in the extended entry. You've been warned.
(That disclaimer sort of makes the title to this post all menacing, doesn't it? Mwah hah hah hah!!)
We've got morning traffic reports. We've got web-based mapping services. Combine the two.
Introducing MyTraffic.com*! Pull up the site before you head out the door. It shows you the best route to work taking into consideration slow traffic flows, accidents, etc.
* This is not a real site. Yet.
Of a website, I mean. According to Organic HTML, that is. See?
(Click for big size)
Lovely Wife's site is elegant and tall, with stylish accents. Hmmm...that's a pretty accurate description.
(Click for big size)
And mine? Well, it's a bit short with a rather prominent phallic element. Damned accurate, this thing is.
(Click for big size)
(Hat tip to Tre, who'll be on my blogroll whenever I get around to updating it.)
RP is having some fun with taxes ( <-- note: very heavy sarcasm) and asked if there are any volunteers to re-write the Tax Code and Regs.
I am the man.
First, let me state that the ultimate goal would be to eliminate income taxes altogether. Yes, it would too work just fine. It worked wonderfully before the Constitution was ammended to make this government theft legal. Restricting the government's access to money and the carrot/stick of monetary levies and gifts keeps government small and efficient. We have a bloated monster precisely because the government has given itself the power to take as much as the public will bear.
Anywho...that's not going to happen without open rebellion so I've come up with a simple and effective tax system that will work, will be perfectly simple and will be fair to all.
10% of income over $20,000 is paid as income tax. As many people as want to may form a household and file together. A family of five would pay 10% of any collective income over $100,000. There are no other taxes on income and there are no other exemptions. There are no loopholes.
Oh, yeah - almost forgot. As a corollary to promote fiscal responsibility, any politician submitting or approving a deficit spending budget gets a toe cut off. See the comments in RP's post for a bit more in-depth look at the toe-ectomy issue.
Found at Why Television Sucks - A do it yourself bumpersticker maker. Ah, what fun!
Here's a nice topical one:
One we'd all love to use but wouldn't have the balls:
A venerable classic revisited:
And a couple dedicated to everybody's least favorite socialist:
See what you can come up with and trackback to this post (or direct me to your post in the comments here if you fear trackbacks). Best stickers will win some points next Wednesday.
I found this over at LeeAnn's Cheesy Castle of Doom (TM). Ralex Whitlock (what sort of name is "Ralex" anyway?*) made a list of ten things that he thinks bloggers do wrong. A list of common failings, if you will. LeeAnn did a self-analysis against the list and, since I'm nothing if not a slave to rule number 1, I have too:
1. Only link to what we've already read and only say what we've already heard.
Nah. A goodly bit of my stuff is original and I don't go around parroting people via links.2. False modesty.
False modesty? Moi? Hehe. Hahaha. Mwah hah hah hah hah!!
Um...no.3. Clearing the archives.
Nope again. All of my tripe is out there for your enjoyment. Actually it would be a great benefit and increase usability quite a bit if bloggers (like me) cleaned out half of the garbage in their archives.
Don't be the last kid in your neighborhood to get one!
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Q: Why do the trees in Georgia lean to the West?
A: Because Alabama sucks.
No, I've never been there and no, I don't really believe that*. If any of you Birminghamians just got riled up, go take a nice drive in your tractor and mellow out.
* The trees all do lean to the West though.
Well, that's the only explanation I can come up with for why I don't shed pubes all over the men's room like seemingly every other male employee in this office.
The bathrooms are scrubbed squeaky clean every day so I know it isn't an accumulation problem. I know for damned sure that I am not dropping curlies when I drain the vein. So is there an epidemic of sporadic nether hair loss in the company? There must be because by the time lunchtime comes around the urinals are outfitted for blizzard conditions.
Am I unusual for not spreading around my love floss? Is it something odd that I'm doing? Maybe I should only scrub Captain Happy for five minutes instead of fifteen in the morning shower so as not to dislodge any tentative sprouts?
Is the follicular presentation of my coworkers an intentional act? Perhaps I should be plucking a couple each time I decaffeinate to mark my territory like these other fellows do.
The only thing I know for sure is that the shag covering in the bathrooms is way nasty.
The results are in! Apparently I owe several people lunch and at least one vacation was spoiled. Ah, the power of the Internet...
Grand Prize: 5 points
Renee Zellweger, shown here while preparing for her Oscar winning role in "The Marlon Brando Story."
Kathleen
First runner up: 3 points (selected by the Ted Kennedy's 3 martini lunch)
Falling on hard times after his latest documentary failed to get a single Academy Award nomination, director Michael Moore was forced to give up his chauffeur driven SUV and purchase a used car.
His critics were quick to point out that the everyman from Flint bought an import.
Stephen
Second runner up: 2 points (selected by all the rice in China)
Greenpeace, deciding it is too labor-intense to push them into the ocean, has provided alternate transportation.
LeeAnn
Third runner up: 1 point (selected by an infinite number of monkeys via an infinite number of randomly typewritten missives)
Great Goddamn Jim, I'm eating lunch.
Victor
Get Syria out of Lebanon!
I still find it odd that the Arab states have no problem with Syria conquering Lebanon, holding them in thrall as a puppet state, killing their prime ministers, etc. I thought the Arabs were all about (opportunistically defined) ancient sovereign lands.
Oh, right. That's only when it's the Jews who are kicking Arab ass.
Valentine's Day - you either love it or hate it. Or ignore it, I guess. Or, like the vast majority of humanity, have no idea whatsoever that it even exists.
Where was I? Oh, yeah - it seems that posts on Valentine's Day fall firmly into one of two camps. There are those who hate and despise it as a Hallmark Holiday full of false sentiment and overly public displays of affection. Then there are those who embrace it for its celebration of true sentiment and overly public displays of affection.
Once upon a time I was firmly in the anti-VD camp. That changed and I think I've pinned down just where the change happened. I started to enjoy Valentine's Day when it changed from a day of obligatory gift giving to an excuse for gift giving.
Let me splain. We have a single income with 3 kids. We make do with one car and not a whole lot of superfluous stuff because we are willing to sacrifice such things to bring up our kids the way we want. The downside is a relative dearth of expendable income (aka blow money). I don't have very many opportunities to spoil her like she so richly deserves. I welcome Valentine's Day as it gives me a well established excuse to do what I'd like to be doing every day.
So Happy Valentine's Day, y'all!
Say you've just loaded up the family to go pick up lunch/dinner*. Momma is in her fuzzy slippers, 2 out of 3 kids are in pajamas with only one of them wearing shoes. Dad is wearing the white sweat pants that must never be seen in public.
Would that be indicative of white trashitude or redneckosity?
Not much happening around here today. Morning writing time was taken up with three stories of maddening school atrocities over at Zero Intelligence. Speaking of ZI, it's been getting some serious attention lately. In the last few weeks I've been interviewed by two newspapers, contacted by a scholastic watchdog group and the site will be profiled on an independent law review radio show next week.
Sweet.
There are some leftovers here you can play with, since I've got nothing new at the moment. The caption contest is still open as is the drag queen cat fight. Enjoy!
* Breakfast/lunch is brunch. What is lunch/dinner? Linner? Dunch? Lovely Wife prefers dunch. I'm undecided.
Still at a loss for what to get that special someone on this most important of Hallmark Holidays? Just remember the prime directive of gift giving maxims:
Flowers say "I'm sorry", chocolate says "I love you".
Or if you want to go on the cheap, reading material always works well. Send hubby or hubbette to the New Blog Carnival Showcase Extravaganza or to the venerable classic The Best of Me Symphony.
Heh. I define "bait and switch". Worship me, marketers of yore.
iPod Shuffle is neat but it isn't really random. Everything it plays is one of your songs. Your selection only gets bigger when you add new songs and you have no chance of hearing a new song.
The new Napster is also neat. For a fixed fee per month you can listen to anything you want out of a monstrously huge selection of songs. But in your MP3 player it's still the same old thing - you program what you want to hear and there's really no big help to find new things.
What we need is MyFM. Here are the requirements:
Write a caption for the picture. Win fabulous prizes!*
The contest will be open until some time next week.
* Best caption gets 5 points with another handful thrown around to the rest of the best.
Vote carefully as the top finishers will be receiving coveted Snooze Points! This poll will stay open until some time next week.
* Uhhhh... right. It's pretty much all about the honor code with these things. Please don't cheat too much.
Google weighs options after legal decision
Internet search engine Google said on Monday that it was weighing a possible appeal after a Paris court ordered it to pay $260 000 (about R1,6-million) plus costs to luxury goods maker Louis Vuitton for breach of trademark.The high court in central Paris awarded the damages in a decision late on Friday and ordered Google to stop displaying advertisements for Vuitton's rivals whenever Internet users typed Vuitton's name or other trademarks into the search engine.
The case centered on Google's AdWords program. This allows advertisers to bid for high responses in the "Sponsored Links" areas of Google search returns. Google does not restrict the words that advertisers can bid on. Ford, for example, could target an advertisement to appear when people searched for Chevy. The French courts have determined that this is trademark infringement on Google's part.
Um...what?
Late to class? Go see Intelligent Design 101 and Intelligent Design 102.
[Class assembles and Mr.Balsavage hands out the test results while welcoming the students]Mr.Balsavage: Good morning class!
Class: Good morning, Mr.B!
Mr.B: I have some bad news, class. It seems that Michael Newdow has filed a Constitutional objection against our Intelligent Design class and the 9th Circuit Court has issued a court order regarding our test.
Class: Oh, no!
I got a very nice email from Tre at 21st Century Paladin. He complimented me on my site, told me he had blogrolled me and asked me to look at his site to see if I liked it and maybe put him on my own blogroll if I did. Happy to oblige Tre.
But this got me to thinking about my blogroll. How do sites get on my blogroll? Well, I'll tell you.
But first, allow me to present my excuses. I am a terrible template updater. It's not in my genes. I'm in software QA because I like to break programs. I am an inherent danger any time I open a template. I am a destroyer of bytes, not a creator. What I'm saying is I don't update my blogroll very often.
Excuse number two is that although the blogs I read are the ones on my blogroll I don't read blogs with my blogroll. I use a newsreader. If a site doesn't have a feed the chances that it will ever get to my blogroll are pretty slim to non-existent. Oh, I know that there are loads of excellent sites out there without RSS feeds. My heart bleeds a little bit every time I think of all of the great stuff I'm missing. However, real life has shown that I seldom, if ever, remembered to (or bothered to if I did remember) actually go read blogs outside of the ones in my newsreader.
So what happens to a prospective blog is I'll put it in the newsreader and follow it for a while. If it bores me or pisses me off I delete it. If it's still there when I update my blogroll it becomes one of the elite and gets put in the correct alphabetic order.
Tre, you're up there in the pending section right now. So far, so good.
My irregular posting on the best stuff I've read lately.
Kathleen does the first anti-fisking I've ever seen. She takes terror apologist Ward Churchill over the coals in spectacular fashion.
Gary Cruse comments on evil. Is evil a face of humanity or something truly beyond our understanding?
Another one from The Owner's Manual. Gary found this incredible time suck: The Baby Name Wizard. You have got to go play with this thing.
Is hazing wrong? Ilyka comments on a recent case of Marines caught pinning. That's where they stick a Marine's new medals on his chest by sticking them into his chest.
So you've got that screenplay sitting around and it's the next best thing since sliced bread. Take a look at generic's Writing Advice.
Breathalyzers are dangerous. I'm not talking about the ones the cops carry, I mean the one you take with you to the bar. Update: The funny story has been removed. Apparently it wasn't as in the public domain as RAT thought. He does have a very interesting replacement though.
Cookies. The culmination of millennia of treat making lore. The ultimate delicious nugget of baked goodness. Cookies.
I don't really like most cookies. Now, now, now - put the big sticks away and let me explain. There are some cookies that put me into something approaching an orgasmic trance. It's just that the cookies that do this are (luckily for you) fairly rare. There are Salerno butter cookies. Milanos from Pepperidge Farms. Cocoa chocolate chip cookies from ... well ... me. Necessity is the mother of invention and since no elves bothered to learn how to make cocoa chocolate chip cookies I had to take this as my own mission. You, my lovely readers, benefit now from my efforts.
How to make Jim's Cocoa Chocolate Chip CookiesStep 1: Tell somebody that you're going to make them some Cocoa Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Step 2: Wait a month or so.
Step 3: Offer various lame excuses about why the cookies aren't there yet. Illnesses in the house, a bombing at the post office and death all work well at least once.
Step 4: Wait another month until the excuses run out.
Step 5: Get off your ass and make the damned cookies already.
PayPal button is over there on the right. Get cracking!
(I'm practicing my 'command voice'. It seems to be losing effectiveness at home.)
If you're in the wrong class go to Intelligent Design 101 and catch up.
[Class convenes and Mr.Balsavage gathers up a stack of blank tests from his desk.]Mr.Balsavage: Good morning class!
Class: Good morning, Mr.Balsavage!
Mr.B: Is everybody ready for the big test?
Class: Yeah!
Little Susie: No, I'm not ready. I have some questions.
Wooh, can't wait to see what flies out of Google with this post title.
I'm talking about my anal retentive nature, of course. Last night it struck me again just how anal I can be. We were heading to bed and Lovely Wife got there first. I went around the bed, underneath the comforter and pulled the sheets tight, re-tucking the bottom sheet where possible. Just like I always do. This was despite the fact that Lovely Wife was already in bed and the sheets were already straightened. It was also despite the fact that I realized the sheets were straight about half-way into the routine and finished doing it anyway.
Dopple-G used to complain loudly and constantly about my sandwich making peculiarities at work. This was back when we both worked at the same place and usually ate lunch together. My typical sandwich was a tuna sandwich with cheese. The bread had to be toasted one and a half times due to the crappy nature of the toaster there. It also took forever, also due to the crappy nature of the toaster. Then the tuna fish went on, mayo and pepper only. Then the cheddar cheese. The sandwich had to get nuked enough to melt the cheese. If any of these components was off, I didn't eat the sandwich.
It seems that once I get into a routine for a certain length of time it turns into an iron-clad obligation. The rules must not be broken, cannot be shirked. I think I'm salvageable though. I don't do that sandwich thing any more. After months of the sandwich at work cycle being forcibly suppressed (ie. unemployment) it faded and passed. I suppose if I slept on the couch for a month I'd break the sheet tightening thing also.
Fortunately Lovely Wife has high tolerance for my eccentricities so the couch thing isn't too likely.
Excuse me but it's time for another cup of coffee. I must go wash and dry my mug before refilling it.
Okay, this one's serious.
How much does a vending machine sandwich cost? Something like $2.50 to $3.00, right? How much does a fresh made deli sandwich cost at a place like the Atlanta Bread Company or Arbys? We're talking a buck or two more. And they're worth it.
If you had the choice between a vending machine sandwich that's been in there getting soggy and nasty for who knows how long or a fresh deli sandwich for a buck or two more, which would you take? The deli sandwich, obviously. The only reason people eat vending machine sandwiches is because they're there. They're convenient.
Offer deli quality sandwiches for the vending machine.
BOOM! Start raking in the money.
The reason vending machine sandwiches get so nasty is because they're all assembled already and the wet stuff turns the bread into a nasty mass that's a consistency somewhere between jello and the lung cookies that you hack up just as a chest cold is passing. Individually package the bread, meat and veggies. No more soggy bread. No more ham slices soaked in tomato juice. No more tomatoes squooshed into a red pulpy mass.
This is way bigger than the vending machine market, too. Sell them in supermarkets and you'll make a killing on people too freaking lazy time stressed to make their own sandwiches for lunch. Not to mention the people like me who thoroughly enjoy making a sandwich from scratch but can't stand to sacrifice an entire tomato since they can't use the rest of it.
I'm thinking a clamshell like the ones they sell Lunchables in. Hey, speaking of Lunchables this would put those suckers right out of business. If any Lunchables employees or shareholders are reading this, please contact me for job and investment opportunities.
Oh yes. This is the money maker. I can feel it!
Sorry, not going anywhere with that. It just had to be said.
Blame Margi.
So, Kansas is in the process of reducing the impact of the Theory of Evolution in their schools. This paves the way to the introduction of Creationism / Intelligent Design. Removing emphasis on the Evolutionary Theory is retarded. Yes it is a theory. So is Gravity. Darwin's brainchild is used today in the real world to do real things. Playing religio-political games with it will have only one realistic effect - stupid kids.
But what about Intelligent Design? I don't see a problem with putting this into school curriculums. School can be a terribly droll place and a bit of humor could really liven things up. Plus it would be one short-assed class with a test everybody was guaranteed to ace. That could be a big help meeting No Child Left Behind requirements.
So what would the class be like? Follow me into a journey into the near future as we attend Biology class at North Kansas Elementary School in the North Kansas City School District, Kansas City, Kansas. In today's lecture (this will be a several lecture series of posts) the kids are introduced to Intelligent Design.
The great winter car stunt drive and ensuing recovery from idiocy story was true.
Seven players got it wrong, four got it right. It's disheartening that so many of you continue to think I led a moral, upright and respectable young adulthood. The biggest trip-up for the ones who got it wrong was the cop. Several couldn't believe I didn't get a ticket. Hell, I couldn't believe I didn't get a ticket. But I didn't get a ticket.
One point each for Paul, Machelle, vw bug, and diamond dave!
Get in on it while the action is hot and freshly oiled.
A Jordanian couple fell into anonymous love over the internet and met to consummate their relationship. Their tryst ended quickly and vociferously as soon as they saw and recognized each other. The two were a married couple, separated for months.
Budding Jordan cyber love ends in divorce
Upon seeing Sanaa-alias-Jamila, Bakr-alias-Adnan turned white and screamed at the top of his lungs: "You are divorced, divorced, divorced" -- the traditional manner of officially ending a marriage in Islam."You are a liar," Sanaa retorted before fainting, the agency said.
Bakr then went home and beat off to porn.
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
Hey, remember way back last week when I did the Give it to me, Baby post? I've got the answers to all those questions. And since only gals were involved in the inquisition there's a lot of sex questions. Enjoy!
(Aside to Victor and Clancy - "Give It To Me Baby" by Rick James.)
From Holly:
How tall are you?
I'm taller than Michael J. Fox but shorter than French Stewart. I was 5'6" when we moved to Georgia but I suspect repeated body slams from the children have reduced this somewhat.
Where did you go to High School?
North Tonawanda Senior High. NT is a suburb of Buffalo, NY but is in Niagara County instead of Erie where the rest of the Buffalo environs lie. Our high school mascot was a lumberjack. Yeah, a lumberjack. Opposing teams liked to sing the "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay" Monty Python song at us. I'm not bitter.
What's your favorite snack food?
Ooh, this is a hard one. I love many snack foods. If I had to pick just one it would have to be cheese. Getting more specific it would be a toss-up between Emmentaller and Old Amsterdam.
From Tiffani:
Boxers or tighty whiteys?
Neither. I use boxer/briefs. All the freedom of boxers with the support of briefs. It's the best of both worlds.
How old where you when you first did "it"?
Twelve, and it was the happiest accidental discovery of my life. I was laying on my belly on the couch watching TV when I got a funny feeling. The couch was upholstered with a soft velour. The crack between the cushions succumbed to my clumsy advances and ... well let's just fade to black there. Sure hope Mom never reads this.
Michael Moore or Michael Jackson?
What's this, a Hobson's Choice? This is like picking between Stalin and Hitler. Well, I guess Moore is worse. Jackson is a freaky recluse and harmless to humanity (with the exception of prepubescent boys) - Moore is actively pushing an agenda that's dangerous to the world.
From DeAnna
What is the square root of 789?
Approximately 28.0891438103762784. With the exchange rate how it is that would be about 40 bucks Canadian.
When did you become a man?
Physically, at twelve (see Tiffani's question above). Responsibility-wise I got there in my mid-twenties. Mentally I'm still working on it.
If you were stranded on a deserted island with all the munuvians who would you eat first and why?
Lovely Wife of course. She loves it when I do that. Besides, being stranded doesn't absolve the wedding vows and I take those things seriously.
From LeeAnn
You have to move to a foreign land forever... which one?
Narnia. I've been in love with Narnia since I first read the chronicles at age 6. If you insist on a real world destination I'll pick Australia. There's every type of terrain and climate you could ask for plus an amazing history and local culture.
Through some sort of alternate reality, you are stuck in a world based entirely on one literary genre... mystery, comedy, horror, etc... which one?
Science Fiction. I'd pick fantasy except it's so dirty there and I have difficulty with other people's fragrances.
You can eat only ONE food for the rest of your life... which one?
Congrats. You've discovered my own version of hell. If I had to take only one food for the rest of my life it would be pizza with everything. That way I can at least take off selected toppings to get many different flavors.
From Kathleen
What do you wish you had done differently?
I'm a very firm believer in the nail/kingdom story (aka Butterfly Effect). For want of a nail the shoe was lost, etceteras. If I had changed something in my past I wouldn't be where I am now. There is too much in my life now that I would absolutely not sacrifice for me to change anything in my past.
That said, I would have gotten laid more often.
If money were not a consideration and you could do whatever you wanted, what would you do for work?
I would teach. If I won the Lotto and had more money than I could spend I'd go on a mad buying spree and spoil everybody I know. When the thrill of endless cash wore off I would settle down and teach.
What's your favorite beer?
Stovepipe Porter from the Otter Creek Brewing Company. Unfortunately they don't distribute to Georgia. If anybody in the NorthWest or Atlantic states (with the insufferable exception of Georgia) happened to send me some I would gladly trade any of my three children or the appendage of your choice.
You can get single slice wrapped cheese, right? And I don't mean just that slightly cheese-like processed food product called "American cheese" either. There's cream cheese in single serving packets, butter in single serving packets, salt and pepper in single serving packets. Hell, they even have single slice wrapped peanut butter and jelly for the unconscionably lazy over-busy parent.
Practically all of your sandwich needs are met with product available in unit sizes suitable to a sandwich with one notable exception.
Tomatoes.
You see, I like tomatoes. You could even say I love tomatoes. You'd be wrong, we just had that one weekend of wild sex, there was no genuine love involved except in the biblical sense, but you could still say it, this being a free country and all, and me with unmoderated comments.
I wonder how many English teachers I could kill with that last sentence.
Anywho... Nobody else in my family is particularly fond of tomatoes. You might even say they loathe tomatoes. Go ahead and say it - you'd be right this time.
So what is a man to do when he loves him some tomatoes on his tuna fish sandwich but tomato slices are available only in bulk form; that is, as a whole tomato. I don't eat enough sandwiches where I could actually use a whole tomato before the bulk of it went nasty and I am waaay too much of a cheap bastard frugal to just waste food like that.
Wouldn't single wrapped tomato slices be the bees knees? No? How about the gerbil's tits then? Yeah, that is a better expression - sorry about the bee thing.
Just imagine - any time you wanted a sandwich with two slices of tomato you just unwrap your individually wrapped tomato slices (available in Hearty Beefsteak (tm) or Classic Vine Ripe (tm) flavors). No cutting. No tomato guts seeping out. No wasted tomato!
So what are you waiting for? Get out there and start producing my tomato slices. I'm not a terribly sane patient man.
Hmmm... How about single sliced and wrapped lettuce?
An occasional roundup of some of the best stuff I've read lately.
Is anything in the world funnier than explosive diarrhea? I think not. Read this dread story of Macaroni and Beef if you doubt me.
Man the phasers, the Vegans approach!
Paul is desperate for content. You can tell because the world's greatest meme hater is starting a meme. And because he said so.
Finally, somebody had the balls to say it! Nelson Mandela is a sophist and a fool. That's not to say he isn't a sweet fellow, just ignorant and more than happy to expound on things he is clueless about.
Finley gives the straight dope on The Parents Television Council. This activist group is responsible for almost 100% of all complaints sent to the FCC.
Saturday morning I was working on the computer. Bear came over and we chatted while I did some mind-numbing report review. He started doing the pee dance. That's the move where he stands there grabbing his crotch and gyrating a bit. If you don't have kids you're probably most familiar with this move from its common occurrence in rap videos.
Me: Bear, do you need to go to the bathroom?Bear: No.
Me: Then why are you doing the pee dance?
Bear: My penis keeps bothering me.
Me: Your penis is bothering you?
Bear: Yeah. The penis part keeps sticking to my sack of balls.
'Sack of balls' has now been permanently entered into the family vocabulary.
Some movies can actually change you. Change your attitudes, your thoughts, even your beliefs. Any story can do this if it has a portion that touches you in a special way. By 'touching in a special way' I don't mean the way that pedophiles do, I mean in a good way.
The movie Singles changed me in an actual measurable way. Ever since I heard of 'gesundheit' it had been my sneeze response of choice. I mean, what's cooler and more worldly for a little kid to say than a foreign word in popular use, especially when said little kid knew how to use it appropriately. And the word wasn't a cuss so he could say it anywhere without having wooden spoons broken across his backside.
Well, in the movie Singles there's a scene where Bridget Fonda's character (just broken up with her boyfriend) gives her 'shopping list' for a guy. It's long and very detailed. But then she says that she's lowered her standards quite a bit and doesn't use that list anymore. Now she'll be happy with a guy who says 'gesundheit' when she sneezes. Or 'bless you'. 'Bless you' would be better - she really likes that. Skip to the end of the movie where Bridget and her ex are in an elevator together. She sneezes, he says 'bless you'. She jumps his bones.
I'll still occasionally say 'gesundheit' because that was my ingrained sneeze response for so many years. But since I first saw that movie anytime I actually think before doing the sneeze response I say 'bless you'. When a 'gesundheit' slips out I'll have a mental dammit moment when I realize that I missed a 'bless you'. And when I do the 'bless you' I get a nice warm feeling.
Okay, it's a very small thing. But that movie was directly responsible for a change in my attitude and behavior. In a good way too, I think.
So has a movie ever changed you? Big or small, good or bad? I'm keen to know.
When they get pregnant you can sell the offspring.
Sounds dirty doesn't it? Like something immoral you might do with corpses.
On the way in today we passed the Atlanta Nephrology Referral Center. Lovely Wife asked me what "nephrology" was. My response was an unexpected "Duh...I don't know". That bugged me. I spent years drinking and partying studying like a dog to learn medical terms and here I'd gone and forgotten one. One big and important enough to have a medical referral center dedicated to it.
It bothered me on and off all day long. Every time I tried to think of what nephrology was the Isles of Langerhans kept popping into my head. Those are in the pancreas and I knew “nephro” is definitely not the Latin for pancreas so I was at a dead end. Then I got a flash and I remembered a little memory trick I used for a biology test in OR Tech school. It was a drinking song little poem we memorized to help remember where the organs are located (in relation to each other) inside the abdomen. The part that was sticking in my head was something about “harvesting kidney beans under the Isles of Langerhans”. That bit was to remind you that the kidneys are below the pancreas. As soon as I remembered that bit I remembered that “nephro” is kidneys.
I rock!!*
So Nephrology is science of and relating to the kidneys. Do not confuse it with Necrophilia** or Necromongers***.
* Yes, I am fully aware that I could have looked it up online at any time and saved hours of fretting. That wouldn't have told me why my brain was misfiring between "nephro" and "Isles of Langerhans". Besides, figuring it out for yourself is way studly.****
** To which it is only cursorily related.
*** Space age bad guys who wear leather dresses (yes, the guys) and mullets in Vin Diesel movies.
**** Seriously, it really is way studly. I'm half tempted to give myself some points for this one.
This is ungodly funny. And incredibly disgusting. Almost completely perverted. Definitely NC-17 or TV-MA or whatever the hell the rating system is now for no kids allowed.
Tiny excerpt:
Just by its nature, the probability of contracting food poisoning from fish is always higher than most other foods. This is why, based on personal experience, I recommend that no one ever engage in anal sex after your date ate a large fish dinner.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Found this at Natalie Dee's:
you know that thing where you figure out your drag name by combining your first pet's name with the name of the street you grew up on? when i do mine, i end up with WHITEY ROACHWAY, which is not that awesome. my husband would be McFLY CLAYTON. this, also, does not really have connotations of being seductive while hiding your penis. my little sister would be ROMEO REED, which is actually kinda awesome, but not drag queen-y. no matter how you play the game, you will never end up with a real drag queen-sounding name like LADY MISS MARILYN VON SNEAKYDICK.
I'm one of the few who never heard of this method of devising your drag name but I'm game.
Let's see...
My first real pet that I actually remember was a German Shepherd named Tasha. The first address I can remember is Hampton Drive. 33 Hampton Drive, Freehold, NJ 07228. Not sure about the zip, it just sort of popped out, but the rest is definitely the address where I lived as a young teen.
So my drag name is Tasha Hampton.
Feh, not much of a drag name. If we used my current stats I'd be Dakota Castle. Now that's a bit better.
So what's your drag name?
I had the most awesome dream. You know that fiction short story that Paul and I wrote together? I dreamed that we were offered $20,000 for it with an option for 3 more.
Now I'm just trying to think of what to do with all that money.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
(Hat tip to Joe)
Here's a nifty little meme I picked up at De's place:
A. First, recommend to me:
1. A movie:
2. A book:
3. A musical artist, song, or album:B. I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.
C. Then, I want you to go to your blog, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything they want!
The movie suggestions are especially important as I'll put them under consideration for the next Drunken Movie Review. I'll give it a couple of days then answer all of the questions at once.
Sign the petition to revoke this terrorist group's tax exempt status.
(Hat tip to DCeit)
I've won the Calvin's Dad Award (aka 'The Calvie')!
Woo hoo! I do so totally rock!
Via Harvey I found a tale of frightfully vicious customer service at Lee Ann's View. Lovely Wife recently ran into a customer service nightmare of her own.
We love dollar stores. I'm sure I mentioned it before but the whole family thinks that dollar stores are the cat's tits. Just walking into a retail establishment knowing that you can buy anything that strikes your fancy is a heady feeling for folks like us with limited discretionary income. It's great for the kids too - they know if they walk in with 4 dollars they can get 4 things. Any four things. (Mom and Dad pick up the tax, you see.)
So we make a stop at the dollar store once or twice a month plus anytime we need a gadget or small tool. Our dollar store of preference was the Dollar Tree right around the corner from our last apartment. It's big but not too big, has a fine selection of useless paraphernalia and a friendly staff. We went to that one even though there are bigger ones not much further and similar ones closer to our house.
The Dollar Tree doesn't take credit cards or check cards. We use check cards almost exclusively. It is a very rare occurrence for us to have any actual cash on hand. For the Dollar Tree we use actual paper checks as that is their only non-cash option. Because we use check cards for just about all purchases and pay most of our bills online we go through actual paper checks very, very slowly. We still had several books left when we moved to our new house. I printed out address labels and we affix these over the old address on the checks when we use them. Hey, I'm a cheap bastard. No way am I ordering new checks when I have perfectly legal ones left. What else would you expect from somebody who shops at the Dollar Tree?
I've figured a nifty extra use for my newsreader. As you all know, I'm not a very good linker. I don't know why really except possibly that I'm a greedy, lazy roustabout. Or maybe it's because I see something linkable, say to myself "Hey, self - that right there is eminently linkable" but then I fail to link it and then forget it.
Yeah, either one of those excuses will work.
Anyway, I've started to save 'must link' posts in my newsreader. When enough of them accumulate so I begin to get pangs of guilt, I'll link them all. True, you won't be getting the freshest content in the world in my link posts but you will get the best stuff I've read in the past howeverlong-it's-been-since-my-last-link-post.
Y'all ready? Okee dokee:
Start out with Simon and his much lauded effort The New Blog Showcase. This has been doing great as a site and has launched more that a few worthy young blogs. Simon's taking it on the road now as a Carnival and he's looking for hosts.
Next stop is Ambient Irony where Pixy explains the mindset of relativistic enminity. He doesn't use big words like that, I'm just showing off. Basically he lays out why certain elements of our society view the liberation of Iraq as a bad thing.
Jennifer reminds us what's really important to remember about the Holocaust. Ask 100 American high school students to tell you who Anne Frank is; then ask them to tell you which concentration camp she died at...and precious few will know the camp. But most of them will know her story.
generic cracks my shit up with Aunt Stubby's Cautionary Tales for Children Not Yet Defeated by Life. I can't even exerpt this. Go read - if you're twisted like me you'll bust a gut.
Riding in the caboose is Lovely Wife. Hmmm...Lovely Wife's caboose... Gimme a minute here...
[break]
As I was saying, our final stop is at Flaptrap where Lovely Wife tells y'all a story about our neighbors. We're lucky enough to have neighbors who very quickly became friends and boy are they a hoot.
I don't know if it's an insult or an honor to be compared to Bill Murray but take a gander at my Gay Factor! This is one hunka primo boobie lovin' man right here ladies.
(Hat tip to The Owner's Manual)
Okay, not that much of a time suck but it's fun once or twice. Visit the Realistic Internet Simulator.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Update: When you're done here head on over to De's place for her first Shamming/Sharing
Remember these? I post an anecdote that may or may not be true. You guess which it is, based on your knowledge of me and my curious ways. Whoever gets it right gets a point when the contest closes. Here we go:
I was in my early twenties, it was winter, I was driving home from a bar in the big red boat. The big red boat was a massively huge dodge station wagon. When it was new I'm sure it was a bright sparkly red but by the time I bought the relic for $200 as a winter beater it was more of a dull burnt umber. It drove much like a boat - the suspension was so soft and it was so heavy that it didn't turn so much as sway around curves. The frame was wracked too, so if it was coming straight at you you'd see the front and the driver's side of the car.
Damn I miss that car.
I hate being treated like an idiot, especially when I'm reading a book for pleasure. Today's bitch is against a particularly heinous affront perpetrated all too often by today's authors.
Introduction of villainThe villain is introduced by description. He is anonymous and mysterious. One unusual aspect of the villain is mentioned, generally more than once since the retarded readers can't be expected to notice it the first time. He plans something diabolical that shows he is actively working against the hero.
Hero meets "Bob"
The hero encounters "Bob". Bob is either a friend, ally, antagonist or other person who's on the same side as the hero. They might be friendly or they might hate each other. The key points are that they should be working together and that Bob has the villain's unusual aspect.
The writer thinks we're duped
Of course the writer now knows that he has tricked us into figuring out that Bob is the villain. He plays this up throughout the book but Bob is always known as Bob and the villain is always described by his unusual aspect.
The hero comes to suspect Bob
And the writer thinks we're all "shouting at the screen". No, hero! Don't trust Bob! He's the villain!
"Bob" has the hero in his clutches
Eventually the villain captures the hero and prepares to do something villainous to him. The hero is helpless and has no chance of rescue.
Bob saves the day
The real Bob arrives and saves the hero. Generally he also dies, leaving the hero (and supposedly the reader) anguished over his callousness in ever suspecting that Bob was the villain.
There are many variations on this little hammer blow of inept writing. Maybe the hero never suspects Bob at all, maybe it isn't Bob that saves the hero during the 'reveal', perhaps Bob really is a bad guy (just not the villain). What they all have in common is a pulling-the-reader-by-the-nose-ring condescension from the writer.
A good writer uses details to tell his story, not trite little tricks.
Rick Cook is dead to me.
Lovely Wife: I know why I felt so sick yesterday. I think I'm getting my period.Me: You should quit that. They're really gross.
Bear: I've got my period too!
Lovely Wife: You do?
Bear: Yeah, right now.
Me: Are you flowing like a river?
Bear: No.
Me: Well that's good anyway.
Lovely Wife: Stop teasing him. He doesn't know what a period is.
Bear: Then what is a period?
Lovely Wife: It's a dot that goes at the end of a sentence.
Me: Or the sanguineous discharge of the lining of the placenta.
Lovely Wife: Is not!
Me: Oh, right. I mis-spoke. It's the uterus, not the placenta.
Bear: That's gross.
Me: That's what I've been trying to say!
Bear has a playdate today. I wonder how that's going...
