Q: What are three creatures that cannot stand a closed door?
Here's an unrelated one:
A: Your ears.
When's the last time you heard a blond joke? More importantly, when's the last time you heard a hillarious blond joke?
They would start on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast-beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!
***Update***
It's come to my attention that some people don't realize this is a picture of the pope.
My buddy Dave has a mother who was once a nun. He comes up to me in the bar the other night, and we start telling each other jokes. You know, you tell one; then the other says "Nonono, I got one for ya." And so on until Dave says, "Okay skippy. I got one for ya. How do you get a nun pregnant?"
I look at Dave. "I honestly don't know dude."
The grunion memes are running. Some are good, some are bad, all of them are serious introspectives. Time to inject a bit of levity! I give you the Engrishmeme:
The questions:
1) You think of that any one will make really this meme?
I think somebody already did. It's like, here now, you know?
2) Has your father the cheerfulness which is known you?
My cheerfulness knows no bounds but Dad has a bound or two in his cheerfulness limit so I've got to say no to this one.
3) It is many the dog and the cat it spreads out how, it has?
They generally spread through population expansion, just like bunnies.
4) How many licks it adopts obtains to the tootsie popular music center?
I think the answer is "one" and the subject in question is "Christina Aguilera".
5) Which thing fairies for one life?
Leprechauns. Definitely leprechauns.
The gimmicky part:
1) When you post this on your blog get rid of the first question, bump up all the numbers and make a new question for #5. In other words, you are going to be answering your own question #5 and not answering my question #1.
2) You make a new question by writing it in English, translating it to a foreign tongue, and then translating it back to English. Don't tell anybody what the actual original question was.
3) Trackback to this post or return here to make a comment and let me know where you are because I'm keen on seeing what y'all come up with.
4) Make sure to trackback/comment to the person you snagged this from too because they're going to want to see how you answer their question #5. Responses to the Engrish questions are hillarious when you know what the original English was.
Fini:
1) That means it's the end and there is nothing else.
2) You're done.
3) Pretty pointless, this section.
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across a Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.
As she neared the middle of the bridge, she noticed a young man ready fixin' to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please don't jump, think of yoah deah momma and daddy."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of yoah wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, "Well, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee."
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
Do you know what the difference is between Northern fairy tales and Southern fairy tales?
Northern fairy tales start with "Once upon a time, in a land far, far away..."
Southern ones start with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
(Hat tip to the Popsicle Lady)
The various branches of the armed forces rag on each other incessantly. It's generally done in good humor and taken well by the target. At the root of things anybody serving has a decent respect for other folks who are serving.
We pretty much ignore the Coast Guard. I guess that's because picking on the Coast Guard would be too much like kicking a puppy. As a Navy man I've spent years casting aspersions on the grunts and the jarheads but my favorite target has been the Air Farce, mostly because my Dad was a Sergeant in the USAF and picking on Dad is always good fun.
With all that in mind, here's a little treasure sent to me by Lovely Wife:
I never would have guessed.
Confucius say: Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .
I'm sorry What was the question?
The husband had just finished reading the book, "MAN OF THE HOUSE".
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director!"
Confucius say: Man who cook carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
What's brown and sticky?
I kind of feel bad for pickin' on Jim. Here he was nice enough to loan me a set of keys to his place and I went and poked fun at him for wearing Manties. Ever since that post I've been feeling guilty, but you can't un-ring a bell. The only thing I could think of was to post something to sooth his possibly damaged ego.
But what to post. I’m new to the gay blog scene and unsure of how to "stroke" the ego of a gay blogger, sure I know Jim isn't gay but he is listed by spidergay. So I called a couple of gay bloggers I know.
The one thing they said that always makes them feel better is when someone talks about the size of their cock in a positive light. Luckily I was digging through Jim’s archives and I found the picture in the extended entry, which unlike the others is definitely work safe (Scout’s Honor, I Promise it is really!!!).
As most of you know Jim’s run off for a while to a wedding in Spokane. He hand picked the best writers on the internet the six knuckle heads that actually took the time to fill out the request. Using his powers of telepathy Jim could tell that you, the faithful Snooze Button Readers could miss him. So he sent me the photo* with a note scribbled on it (its in the extended entry and Not Work Safe) that I wanted to share with you.
I must warn you a bit though before you take a look at the photo that it’s a tad bit disturbing. I had always thought that Jim was joking when he said he looked like Matt LeBlanc**. And from his recent post an Argument for Creationism I had assumed he was a breast man (not that he had a pair). Well maybe he’s just fascinated will all facets of the human body since in his next post he was fixated with his ass. I just didn’t expect him to send us a photo with it on display (in red Manties no less).
So go ahead read the note Jim sent***, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Today is two for one!
INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
Continue in the extended entry for the rest of this humor and the second truly tasteless funny.
Kids if you've been paying attention this week we learned earlier from Victor that States can no longer ban out of state wine shipments.
Every seeking to help our reader in their daily lives The Snooze Crew™ set out on a mission to review the best screw top wines available. After several trips to the corner mini-mart we determined the results of this wine review site were accurate.
With the help of the wines mentioned in the review you too can drink any woman pretty; even her.
Hat Tip: Confederate Yankee for point out referring us to the Wine Review mentioned above.
For those interested in filling out applications:
Hello - we are a team of award winning producers working on a film for a major cable network about women's progress - as well as our "unfinished business" and dreams.We are currently seeking women in their mid-40's to 60's who might be interested in sharing their recent coming out stories on camera. We believe that, by focusing on the personal and workplace conflicts and concerns of women who recently came out, we can illuminate the important struggles, triumphs and hopes of the lesbian community and of courageous, individual women.
Sure they're looking for women, but I figured what the hell I'd apply too, I'm a Lesbian trapped in a mans body (so I'm half of what they're looking for).
If you're interested in filling applying, here's the contact information.
There that should help firm up Jim's standing in the gay community. No matter what anybody else says I’m here for ya boss.
A good-ole-redneck boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the broken whiskey bottle glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, your bloodshot eyes, and all that blood in the bed, but, mostly.... it's all those band aids stuck on the mirror downstairs!"
What do Britney Spears and Michael Jackson have in common?
The elusive blue footed boobie.
If you had to pick one, would you rather have Narcolepsy or Turret's Syndrome?
Next time you make a big purchase - big screen TV, car, house, trailer full of radishes, etc - when you get to the end of the haggle phase put a confused look on your face and say "You know, numbers that big are just hard to get your head around. What would that be in cases of beer?"
Now that I think about it, this might work even better for very small purchases like a pack of gum.
The results of the Drag Queen Cat Fight are in. Sorry it took so long. We had to wait for the Ohio returns to be validated. The winners, in traditional reverse loser order, are:
Second runner up (1 point)
There isn't one! It's a tie for first runner up!
First runner up (3 points)
Princess Red (aka Kenny) and Maxi Hemlock (aka Helen) with 4 votes each.
The most draggish of the drag queens (5 points)
ShyAnne Havenwood (aka Holly) with a runaway 12 votes!
Congratulations, Ladies!
Q: Why do the trees in Georgia lean to the West?
A: Because Alabama sucks.
No, I've never been there and no, I don't really believe that*. If any of you Birminghamians just got riled up, go take a nice drive in your tractor and mellow out.
* The trees all do lean to the West though.
Vote carefully as the top finishers will be receiving coveted Snooze Points! This poll will stay open until some time next week.
* Uhhhh... right. It's pretty much all about the honor code with these things. Please don't cheat too much.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
(Hat tip to Joe)
UPDATE: Stealth points awarded!
Timmer: 2 points for answering the original question
Elyse: 2 points for finding an error in the problem and answering correctly using that info
Victor: 1 point because he's single-handedly kept the stealth points program alive
Don't you miss word problems? I sure do. Those were the kick-assest (kickest ass? kick assingest? never mind) part of school as far as I'm concerned.
Here's one for your enjoyment:
Bob the Sailor (a cousin of Bob the Builder, but without the little trademark thingy after his name) needed some rope. He went to Crafty McRippoff, the only boat supply shop in town.
"Hey, Crafty! I need me some rope. Argh!" he said as he entered the shop.
There's trouble brewing, guysYou have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's annual human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
* This title was scientifically designed by a Washington think tank to be irresistable to Harvey.
(Hat tip to Tiffani)
(Make your own with the Error Message Generator)
Snowballs!
Something tells me that Claire won't be sending me an interactive Christmas card next year.
Some things go together naturally and the symbiosis of the two is something better than the parts individually. Whether they're good or bad individually these blessed pairs become something onderful when added together. Take peanut butter and chocolate, Lovely Wife and I, alcohol and ladies of questionable moral fiber, or Michael Moore and a suppurating head wound.
On the other hand when some items are paired up they create a twisted melange far worse than either of the two taken separately. That's what we're here to discuss - things that go together...badly. Individually they may be good or bad but together they are horrific. I'll start us off, y'all chime in with comments.
- patent leather shoes + bunions
- morning wood + overcapacity bladder
- explosive diarrhea + plugged toilet
- Michael Moore + almost anything except a suppurating head wound
- thong Speedos + any male
- masturbation + mother-in-law
- Natalie Maines + a clue
- blogs + lists
- pedantic newscaster + documents revealed as forgeries after the most cursory inspection
- Paris Hilton + any recording device
Your turn!
(with apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein)
Democracies flourish and terrorists frying;
Consumers with money and Arafat dying;
Third world nations removing their kings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the news blows,
When the web slows,
When I'm feeling mad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Moore getting fatter and Dan Rathers' firing;
Peterson busted and WalMart is hiring;
Cutting off deadbeats from our apron strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the French speak,
When my bones creak,
When I'm feeling mad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Football on TV and boobs in our faces;
Kerry defeated and panties with laces;
Politicians in oceans without water wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the car stalls,
When the roof falls,
When I'm feeling mad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
SBD News Service (Atlanta) - American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Lovely Wife sent me some gorgeous photos of sunsets and I'm going to use one of them for my desktop here at work. Problem is, I can't decide which to use.
That's where you come in! You get to make my difficult decision for me. Hey, I'm one step from the VP now. I'm learning the secret of delegation.
Take a look at these three and vote for your favorite:
The jobs are out there somewhere. A friend of mine just got one.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
When I got home last night Lovely Wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So I took her to the gas station.
Ba dum bum
(Disclaimer: In real life that's probably the second to last thing you'd ever hear from my Lovely Wife. The very last thing being along the lines of "I certainly am enjoying this ninety-five degree weather" or something similar. And the joke was from Dopple-G anyway so blame him not me, m'kay Sweetie?)
... and orders a beer. As he's waiting for his drink he hears a voice say "Nice shirt Buddy". He looks around but doesn't see anybody except the bartender.
"Hey, barkeep, who just said that?" he asks.
The bartender replies "Oh, it's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."
(Ba-dum-bum)
If alcohol is your passion, then clearly you are underage. Alcohol should be like an old friendly woman that you fuck. You know just how far you can go, just how much you can take, and sometimes, after spending too much time with her, you never want to see her again, but you always come back because it turns out you don’t have anything else to do that night. There’s no passion, just a nice mutual comfort. That’s true commitment to alcohol, folks, so don’t act like you love it unless you really do.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Jim" at me when I was with my client.
He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Jim, what's happening?" To which I replied:
"Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish." "I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and...Abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
The moral of the story: Men might be jerks, but Fairies are Female.
Pop up this picture and note down the first five thoughts you have. Mine are in the extended entry.
Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."
So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
See Top Five for this and much more. Cool site!
I'd be pissed too if I had to follow 27 rules to take a shit. Here are a couple of my favorites (the numbers are wierd because they're at the end of a long list of rules):
65. In the following three cases, anus can be made Pak with water alone:If another najasat, like blood, appears along with the faeces.
If an external najasat reaches the anus.
If more than usual najasat spreads around the anus.In the cases other than those mentioned above, anus can be made Pak either by water or by using cloth, or stone etc., although it is always better to wash it with water. (for details: see Notes 68 - 70).
Translation: Wash your ass if you're passing blood, inserting naughty things into it or if you have shit all over the place.
67. If the anus is washed with water, one should ensure that no trace of faeces is left on it. However, there is no harm if colour and smell remain. And if it is washed thoroughly in the first instance, leaving no particle of stool, then it is not necess ary to wash it again.Translation: When you wash your ass, make sure to get all of the shit off of it. But it's okay if you've got shit stains and you smell like a
I wonder if it's my mischievous nature or my unparallelled geekitude that makes me grin at stuff like this.
How I met my wifeIt had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it, since I was traveling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behaviour would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pariel like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it" says Roy, "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days pass and finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,
"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"
There once was a man from Iraq,
With holes down the side of his cock.
When he got an erection,
He'd play a selection,
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
What's your favorite dirty limmerick?
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE". Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the Plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the Plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the Plan and accepting new patients, has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
I couldn't resist. I asked the Googlegods what they thought of my weblog.
sbd is the backbone of the allied air to ground
Support our troops!
sbd is still considered "under development"
There's always room for improvement.
sbd is a very real threat
Um...Dude, calm down. My writings tend towards humor, I'm not out to overthrow the government or anything like that.
Have you seen the commercials for these new Clearblue Easy Digital pregnancy tests? They're really neat. Instead of a line or colored mark that might or might not appear depending on whether you are or aren't pregnant, these give you your results in plain english on a digital display. The downside is that test results can be a bit irregular.
Dear Abby,
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston
What's your fav, I say what's your favorite Foghornism? What I mean is what's your favorite cut said by Foghorn Leghorn? Cut, that is.
My favorite:
Boy's about as sharp as a bag of wet mice.
Runner up:
Pay attention, boy! I'm cuttin' but you're not bleedin'!
Ever get one of those "Everybody from X-place knows" or "If you're going to X-place you should know" email jokes that's been forwarded so many times that the brackets are so deep (>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>) it pushes the content into a single word column on the right? We got one the other day for the hometown and damn if it isn't accurate.
I shall temporarily ignore my Voluntary Southerner status and wax nostalgic as I present the much cleaned up list.
We, the people of Buffalo (and surrounding areas), hold these truths to be self-evident:
Is there anything sexier than a babe and a wet t-shirt?
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Apologize profusely and wipe it off.
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise.
He was greeted by George Washington, who gut punched him and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin. Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans.
As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared. Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Patient: Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.
Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Patient: Tom Jones Syndrome? I've never heard of that. Is it rare?
Doctor: It's Not Unusual.
Ba-dum-bum
A fsh.
(I slay me! Hoo, boy, no more coffee for this guy!)
When I was 6, I asked him where babies came from, and he said, "The stork!"
I replied incredulously, "You fucked a stork?"
Answer honestly and you will be amazed by my mental prowess as my powerful psychic powers probe the recesses of your mind to extract what you are thinking of. Sorry for all of the math but it is important to set the channels of your inner mind along a path I can interpret. Simply answer the questions below as quickly as possible then follow the instructions.
What is 5 + 1?What is 3 + 3?
What is 2 + 4?
What is 1 + 5?
What is 4 + 2?
Say the word "SIX" out loud as fast as possible for 15 seconds.
What is the first vegetable you can think of?
Click here to see your vegetable
I also know about that thing you did last Tuesday.
(Hat tip to Auntie N)
Proper handling of hazardous substances is no joke. Just look at the possible repercussions of treating this one the wrong way:
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
An original composition for your enjoyment. Don't read this one to the kids:
That pole to the north is a nasty old place
Where elves take their turns sitting on Santa's face.
Mrs. Claus lays around passing her gasses
while reindeer jerk off with corn cobs in their asses.
The geese are all too scared to sit
They know if they eat they'll end up on a spit.
The turkeys, all hens, have now formed a coven
To keep their collective ass from the oven.
The angel atop the ol' Christmas tree
Performs sexual favors, of course there's a fee.
In the workshop they're making some last minute dolls
but the Barbies are mad 'cause the Kens have no balls.
The Kringle's away, in his bathroom he's toking
The Feds want to know what it is he is smoking.
Rudolph and friends might be ready to fly
But Santa got baked and is already high.
The night wears on long but no Santa appears
So the reindeer put back the corn cobs in their rears.
The elves check in and find Santa a snoozin'
They vacate their jobs and start seriously boozin'.
Will Christmas have to be cancelled then?
No presents, no tree, and no Christmas hen?
What happens when it turns out Santa don't give a fart?
Don't worry kids, there's always Wal-Mart.
(See the full post at Ho ho holy shit!)
Senator Hillary Clinton was flying cross-country last night and had to make a crash landing in Texas. She was unhurt but reporters were able to get a picture of the wreckage before it was hauled away (in extended entry).
The hottest selling new political bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put 'em on the rear bumper...
Republicans affix them to the front bumper.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Pretty much everybody has heard of how Los Angeles County legislators have banned contractors from using the terms "master" and "slave", a very common bit of IT jargon. Fortunately, they've found a workable solution to the problem.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
This is a wierd one. I guess it would be classified as the "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Scam".
I shall seek and find you...
I shall take you to bed and control you...
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan...
I will make you beg for mercy...
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you...
You will be weak for days after I am gone.
Judge: I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse, but I cannot award you a divorce on the grounds of your complaint. We see no evidence that Mrs. Mouse is not in her right mind.
Mickey: Your Honor, I didn't say that she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy!
Here's some holiday linkage for your viewing frightful pleasure.
The 100 Scariest Movie Scenes of All Time
Not a bad roundup - I can agree with most of them. Especially #19, Willy Wonka. You remember that nightmarish boat ride with the psychedelic-LSD-flashback-moving-walls and Willy Wonka spouting out a poem of terror about the Grim Reaper mowing? Yeah, that one. Scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. Best kids movie ever.
The 100 Scariest Holloween Costumes
The Devil Cheerleader is especially frightful. I don't think I could bear to have all of these come up to my door tonight. Oh, wait a second. Lovely Wife will be out with the kids. Bring 'em on!
What's scarier than STDs? I mean besides Michael Moore in a tutu. Nothing! So we'll close out the special Holloween post with some quotes ripped from the sperm coated hand of Condom Man himself:
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Western Wall and there he is!
She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall."
(Hat tip G)
Neither has he.
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: Father, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!
(Hat tip G)
Do you poop at work?
How, with such a horrid stench?
Better to suffer.
Do you have a poop haiku? Share it with us!
HER DIARY
October 15, 2003, - Last night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset? He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. After about 10 minutes he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
10/14/03 - Cubbies lost today, but at least I got laid.
(Hat tip G)
