I'd be pissed too if I had to follow 27 rules to take a shit. Here are a couple of my favorites (the numbers are wierd because they're at the end of a long list of rules):

65. In the following three cases, anus can be made Pak with water alone:

If another najasat, like blood, appears along with the faeces.
If an external najasat reaches the anus.
If more than usual najasat spreads around the anus.

In the cases other than those mentioned above, anus can be made Pak either by water or by using cloth, or stone etc., although it is always better to wash it with water. (for details: see Notes 68 - 70).

Translation: Wash your ass if you're passing blood, inserting naughty things into it or if you have shit all over the place.

67. If the anus is washed with water, one should ensure that no trace of faeces is left on it. However, there is no harm if colour and smell remain. And if it is washed thoroughly in the first instance, leaving no particle of stool, then it is not necess ary to wash it again.

Translation: When you wash your ass, make sure to get all of the shit off of it. But it's okay if you've got shit stains and you smell like a pig goat.

68. The anus can be made Pak with stone, clod or cloth provided they are dry and Pak. If there is slight moisture on it, which does not reach the outlet, there is no objection.

Translation: You may not use wetwipes. Use a handful of gravel instead.

70. It is haraam to make the anus Pak with things which are sacred and revered, like, a paper on which the names of Allah and the Prophets are written. And using bones or dung for the purpose, may not make the place Pak.

Translation: Be cautious when picking out novelty toilet paper. The wrong choice could cost you 72 virgins.

73. Istibra is a recommended act for men after urinating. Its object is to ensure that no more urine is left in the urethra.

There are certain ways of performing Istibra, and the best of them is that after the passing of urine, if the anus also becomes najis it is made Pak first. Thereafter, the part between the anus and the root of penis should be pressed thrice, with the mid dle finger of the left hand. Then the thumb is placed on the penis, and the forefinger below it pressing three times up to the point of circumcision, then the front part of the penis should be jerked three times.

Translation: Urine is nasty. A great way to make sure that all of the urine is drained from your urethra is to jerk off.

76. * If a person performs Istibra, and also performs Wudhu, and if after Wudhu he sees a liquid discharged, of which he knows that it is either urine or semen, it will be obligatory upon him to do Ghusl, together with Wudhu. But if he had not done Wudh u after Istibra, then Wudhu alone will be sufficient.

Translation: Sometimes we just make shit up to see if you're paying attention. Gotcha! Alternate Translation: There's a Wocket in my pocket and a Gink in the sink...

78. Istibra is not meant for women, and if she sees any liquid and she doubts whether it is urine, that liquid is Pak, and it will not invalidate Wudhu and Ghusl.

Translation: Women shouldn't be masturbating after taking a leak. That's a guy thing, okay?

79. It is Mustahab that a person sitting for relieving himself, sits at a place where no one would see him, and enters the toilet with his left foot forward, and comes out with his right foot. It is also Mustahab to cover one's head, and to place one's w eight on the left foot.

Translation: Gotcha again! Man, I can't believe you fell for that twice. Left foot in, right foot out...damn, what do you think we're writing here; the lyrics to the Hokey Pokey?

80. It is Makrooh to face the sun, or the moon, while relieving oneself. But if a person manages to cover his private parts, it will not be Makrooh. Moreover, it is Makrooh to sit for urinating etc. facing the wind; or on the road side, or in lanes, or in front of a doors of a house or under the shade of the fruit-yielding tree. It is also Makrooh to eat while relieving oneself, or take longer then usual time, or to wash oneself with the right hand. Talking is also Makrooh unless necessary. To utter words remembering Allah is not Makrooh.

Translation: If you're taking a piss outside, cover up so we don't have to watch your camel pole in action alright? No peeing while sitting either. And don't be eating while you take a leak - that's nasty. Yes, that includes bubble gum. And for Christ's Allah's sake, don't try to chat up your neighbors while you're in the toilet okay? Nobody likes that. It's okay if you want to break into prayer though, especially if you're passing a stone or if an "external najasat reaches the anus".

81. It is Makrooh to urinate while standing, or on hard earth, or in the burrows of the animals, or in stationery water.

Translation: Don't piss while standing. Yes, we know we already said not to piss while sitting. It's one of those crises of faith and you're going to have to work it out for yourself.

82. It is Makrooh to suppress or constrain one's urge for urine or excretion, and if it is injurious to one's health, it becomes haraam.

Translation: Let it go, let yourself flow. Slow and low, that is the tempo. Oops, lost in thought there for a moment. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Don't hold it in, just let it go wherever and whenever. So long as you're facing the right direction and not standing or sitting and you don't talk to anybody and you make sure to jack off and do the other important stuff we talked about we don't honestly care if you use a bathroom.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

POINTS: The first two lines of the translation of #82 are from a song. First person to give me artist, song and album (without searching for answers) gets three points.