Update3: The lost entry from Flikka is up. Also finally awarded the participation points for this bear.
Update2: Second batch is up.
Update: First batch of answers in the extended entry.

I've got nuthin' so I'm stealing this from Tiffany:

Ask me 4 questions. Any 4; no matter how personal, private or random. I have to answer them honestly* and I have to answer them all**.

And just to make things lively I'll toss a point to each participant.

* Caveat: If I see the funny, I'm taking it.
** Caveat: Unless the answer requires breaking a confidence in which case I'll make up an answer in your voice to humorous effect.

Susie is keen to know 5 weird things about me. Weird? Me? Just how am I supposed to narrow this down to five?! Okay, here goes...

1. I clean the toilet seat before I park my keister on it. Every time. No matter where I am, even my own bathroom that (ostensibly) nobody but me uses. This started as self defense. I live with three boys who have questionable aim and are all vertically challenged. Safety first.

2. When I stir coffee I move my hand instead of my fingers so the spoon stays perfectly vertical.

3. I drink milk with every meal. Okay, not every meal - occassionally it isn't available. But, if it is available, I'm drinking it. Others will complement their prime rib with a fine wine and their wings with a beer. Not me. For me it's milk at every meal.

4. I devour books. I take a book like a Viking raider. Broken spines, folded pages, split sections, cracked bindings...when I'm done with a book it looks like it has aged a decade. This is the main reason I love having my own books. I can't properly read a book that belongs to somebody else because I have to treat it like some virgin wallflower. Feh.

5. ??? You tell me. Points awarded for my best weird habits reported here in the comments. One each for actual ones I've reported to y'all over the years, bonus points for the best previously unknown* weirdities.

* i.e. real ones I never released here or ones that are simply made up.

Victor here, taking up more slack. At least I'm not neglecting my own blog as much as I normally do.

So, over at Publius & Co. I took a little quiz that I got offa my gf's blog, that she got offa somebody else's, who got it from Cthullu-knows-who...you get the idea. I realized Jim hadn't taken the test yet so I did it for him! Keep in mind I've never met Jim, and the only picture I've seen of him has him sucking on a cow's teat, so I filled this out by, basically, clicking on whatever the hell I felt like. In all honesty, it wasn't as much fun as I thought it'd be.

Maybe Jim shoulda took the "Leading Ladies" quiz instead.

Trey meme smacked me. As breaking this particular chain letter will result in my pants becoming infested with dust bunnies I am forced to comply.

Hey, wait a sec. I'm a rationalist. I know that the dust bunnies in my pants have absolutely nothing to do with ignoring a meme tag. They are there because of the dust carrots.

Anyway...

1. Total Number of Books I’ve Owned:

Over my lifetime? Countless. Not literally, of course. I mean if you lined them all up you could definitely count them. But seeing as I have acquired and dequired books for the past thirty years plus the fact that I have no realistic idea of how many have passed through my hands and couldn't get much more specific than that even under the threat of having dust kittens in my pants the total number of books I've owned is effectively countless. Let's just say "A lot".

2. Last Book I Bought:

Animalia by Graeme Base. A used hard cover in good condition that I found at a fantastic book store in Spokane. Graeme Base is my most favoritest children's book artist and he's a great writer to boot. His pictures are huge and gorgeous with things hidden all over them. The kids are in love with it too. We spent over an hour finding things in this book yesterday.

3. Last Book I Read:

Well, Animalia obviously. I just read it last night. The book before that was Gust Front by John Ringo.

4. Five Books That Mean A Lot to Me:

Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss - This was my favorite book as a kid and I made Mom read it to me constantly, even well after I could read it myself. I'm pretty sure she could go the rest of her life without reading it again.

Dragonflight by Anne McCaffrey - This is where I first fell in love with dragons.

A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin - Possibly the best written fantasy story I've ever read. Plus, George hasn't had a massive drop-off in skill like Robert Jordan. The next book in this series is the only book I'm currently looking forward to.

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzhenitsyn - Frightening, moving, enlightening. This explained communism better to me than 1984.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury - The book that made me understand what liberty is all about. Michael Moore's rape of this book title is just another reason why I think he should be stuck on a spit and roasted to solve the food shortage in a sub-Saharan country.

5. Tag five people and have them do this on their blog.

Not gonna do it. The sphere is just too heavy with these tag mememes at the moment and it's getting annoying. If you wanna do it, consider yourself tagged. If not, consider this the burnt stump of one of the hydra's heads.

I've been meme-tagged again. Since it's Margi who's calling ollie-ollie-ox-in-free I am powerless to resist.

Total number of films I own on DVD/video:

My SWAG* is around 100 or so tapes and DVDs. We have a number of duplicates too - items we had on VHS that we later got on DVD after we bought a DVD player.

The last film I bought:

Lemony Snickett's: A Series of Unfortunate Events, purchased as a birthday present for Lovely Wife.

The last film I watched:

Spanglish with Penelope Cruz and Adam Sandler. My one sentence review of this film: It takes an inordinate amount of time to get exactly nowhere. If that isn't enough to ward you off I'll also mention that at no time during this movie does Penelope unleash the ta-tas.

Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me (in no particular order):

The Neverending Story - The first movie ever where the hero was a little kid who read books. It validated me.

Star Wars - The real Star Wars. The first movie. What modernists have rechristened "Episode IV". Feh. Star Wars is and will forever be Star Wars.

Corvette Summer - Completely forgettable except for two things. First, it starred Mark Hamill without a light saber. I had never considered that possibility. Second, it was my first "titties at the drive-in" movie. On screen, not in the car. Hey, give me a break - I was 10!

Red Dawn - Another one where kids my age were the heroes and they gave a serious shit kicking to the Commie bastards. Wolverines!!

The Usual Suspects - This movie is a work of art. At the end of it I knew exactly how Chazz Palminteri's character felt because I was right there with him as every single thing I'd learned for the past two hours suddenly shifted.

Tag 5 people and have them put this in their journal/blog:

We must bring Lovely Wife into this one. We have similar taste in a lot of movies but some strong differences too.

Rob must pay for tagging me with the music meme.

Tiffani doesn't post nearly often enough.

Same with Clancy. Besides, he needs a break from working on the house.

Trey, because he has no cable provider or TV reception at his house so the sole use of his TV is movie watching.

* SWAG = Scientific Wild-Ass Guess

My blogdaughter sent me this with her answers and I was listed as the person she least expected to fill it out. The nerve of kids today! I'll show you, you young whipper snapper!

Hah!

Rob wants to know what five things in your office you must have in order to function.

Take a look at your desk or workspace. If you’re anything like me then it’s a carefully crafted piece of chaos theory in action.

Everything on there is useful or has purpose but of all the clutter (apologies if you’re one of these uber tidy people for whom a desk is a sacred, set square perfect place) which 5 things can’t you live without?

Hmmm...

My laptop is definitely number one. Without it I can do nothing constructive and instead must fill my time with useless fillers such as coffee breaks, trips to the bathroom and meetings.

Number two is a combo of the red pen of doom and the highlighter of death. These weapons are used to disembowel substandard documentation that is given to me as sacrifice. I return the carcasses to the petitioners for disposal and occasionally grant them my blessing.

My phone is annoyingly required and comes in at number three. Not for regular phone calls - I never make those and receive a stunningly low amount of them (thanks to IM and email) - but for the increasingly frequent online meetings that I dial into.

My fourth required item is my Blue Power Ranger action figure. It was given to me by Bear and it guards my cube 24x7.

My fifth is pretty much the same as Rob's. I have a business card pinned to the wall next to my monitor because I am apparently incapable of remembering where I work or what my phone number is.

Da rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying "interview me". The first five commenters will be the participants.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. (Write your own questions or borrow some.)

My questions come from Nick Queen of Patriot Paradox fame.

How would you describe yourself, and how would this differ from your wife's description of you?
Mild mannered, geekish, a bit anal retentive and possessed of an excellent sense of humor. Lovely Wife would probably agree with that but might stress the anal retentive aspect a bit. She'd also mention my "magic fingers".

What is your favorite joke?
Congress.

What is the worst job you've ever held?
I was stock boy at the bookstore of the University of Buffalo for the better part of a year. Combine tediousness, lack of pay, zero benefits and stultifying boredom interrupted with periods of unrelenting stress. I got a parking ticket once for parking at work during book rush one semester. During this period of incredibly heavy business, students can only park in the bookstore parking lot for one hour at a time. I was there all day and had a student parking tag so they gave me a ticket. I complained, saying I worked there and had been at work the entire time. Employees who were not students parked at work with no problem. The response was basically "Eat the ticket and don't park at work during book rush if you're a student".

Do you believe in anything paranormal (ufo's, Bigfoot)?
I believe in two things: Occam's Razor and the infinite ability of people to invent things. Sure, there have been unidentified flying objects but aliens are way down on the razor's list of explanations. I can't imagine a race that is scientifically advanced enough to cross the infinite vastness of space would do so in order to feed their hillbilly butthole fetish. Bigfoot? It's certainly possible that there's a big monkey out there that hasn't been tagged and bagged yet. New species are being discovered all the time. Far more likely is a mixture of misunderstanding, imagination and hoax. I guess you could safely label me as a skeptic.

What is the most embarrassing moment in your life thus far?
Going to a beach party in San Diego and waking up naked on a beach in Los Angeles. Not only was I never able to definitively discover what had happened at the party but the adventure of getting back to San Diego threatened to leave my face in a permanent reddened state.

Anita's son is having a problem in math class. He does complex division problems correctly in his head but his teacher isn't looking for the answer, she's looking for long division. She wants to see the work between the question and the answer.

This is a touchy subject for me. I was exactly the same as her son with long division. I did it in my head lickety split and got the correct answer in a fraction of the time. My teacher enlisted my mother and forced me to go through long division, the very same situation that Anita and her son are in right now.

Why use long division?

The rote answer is "you need to know the process". Why? We use a process that works. We get the correct answer faster. We also get the correct answer more reliably. Long division is only a regressive loop of simple division problems. An error at any step yields a wrong answer. What is wrong with our process?

Absolutely nothing. It is superior to long division in efficiency and accuracy. The problem is that only a fraction of students can do division this way so it is not permitted in school. This is lowest-common-denominator instruction at its worst. Hold back the advanced students to the limits of the generic lesson plan. It is incredibly frustrating to somebody who is being thrashed with it.

I despised my math teacher after the long division debacle and my opinion of my mother went down several notches as well. My "math sense" went way down and I started hating math class, formerly my favorite subject. I got fed up to the point where I forcibly rejected long division. I spent months unlearning the method that had been hammered into my brain and relearning my method. Once I'd removed the taint and returned to my method the problems went away and I enjoyed math class again.

A few years later I was placed in an advanced self-paced math program. The guide/teacher not only acknowledged fragmented division (the name he gave to my particular method) but promoted it. Do a Google search for "long division in my head" and you'll see just how common this is.

My advice to Anita? Don't force your son to lose his process. Educate the educator. If she can't be brought around to the fact that there is more than one way to do division then you face a very tough choice. Maybe he can use his method to get the answer and then use long division to provide the proof. That will frustrate him too, but not as much as having to abandon his method.

When it all comes down to it though it's about education and not grades. He has the education part covered and it's superior to what the teacher is trying to impose. I'd rather have that and an "F" than to go through what I went through.

1. Sucked on the teat of a giant cow.
2. Electrocuted myself twice while fixing a single lamp.
3. Taken a one month working vacation to Virginia Beach, courtesy of the Navy.
4. Been paid to not do karaoke.
5. Recorded a duet.
6. Been paid not to play the tape of said duet.
7. Lived with three women, all single, and not related to me. Two of them were hot, too.
8. Snorted vodka up my nose until black stuff started coming out.
9. Attacked a snow drift. (With admittedly limited success. #8 played a pivotal role in this adventure.)
10. Gone to a beach party in San Diego and woken up naked on a beach in Los Angeles.

(Found at LeeAnn's House of Cheesy Goodness)

THE "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" BLOGGER QUIZ

1. Who the hell do you think you are?
By day I am Jim Peacock, intemperate humorist and caller of attention to the myriad wonders of life. By night I am usually asleep.

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
I'm a Quality Assurance Specialist. One way to look at this would to say I ensure that the software developed my company is error free and up to spec before it is released to our customers. Another way to look at it is that I have done my job well if I can reduce the hard work of my development counterparts to so much slagged code pudding on a semi-regular basis.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
I wrote jokes and "meaningful passages" in a whole shit-load of yearbooks back in high school.

4. Do you even read newspapers?
Newspapers? I thought those were just to get the burn barrel started.

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
Hell, I don't even watch FOX News propaganda. The only television news I get are the advertisements for local newscasts. Stuff like "All of the water in Georgia condemned by the CDC. Tune in at 11."

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
Yeah, but it's NPR that I listen to. A couple of times each week when I'm driving myself to work.

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
How rude. Calling me a parrot. It's "Peacock", thank you very much.

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
Mostly because they are so incredibly annoying. That and the old "a weapon unused is a useless weapon" argument.

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
What does the one have to do with the other? There are millions of people right here in the States who are from other countries and lack a passport. If they don't need one then why should I?

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
I've been to Canada and Mexico. Although the titty bars in Canada are much cleaner the hookers cost way more. Other than that they're pretty similar.

11. If your so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?
Actually, I tried. Bureaucratic inefficiency and incomprehensible discharge documents prevented me from re-enlisting.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?
Yeah, I do. I was a Navy Corpsman. I worked in Balboa Naval Hospital and treated quite a few downed sailors (including a SEAL who I wasn't allowed to talk to and I was not allowed to refer to the gaping holes in his back as shotgun wounds). For my Reserve duties we used to train at the VA hospital. Lots of horror there too.

I've never had any goo-faced friends but I admit to being a bit shallow in that regard.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
Just your sister.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!
I'm a poppa, I'm a hubby, I'm a midnight libertarian. I take my music on the run.

Wooh, can't wait to see what flies out of Google with this post title.

I'm talking about my anal retentive nature, of course. Last night it struck me again just how anal I can be. We were heading to bed and Lovely Wife got there first. I went around the bed, underneath the comforter and pulled the sheets tight, re-tucking the bottom sheet where possible. Just like I always do. This was despite the fact that Lovely Wife was already in bed and the sheets were already straightened. It was also despite the fact that I realized the sheets were straight about half-way into the routine and finished doing it anyway.

Dopple-G used to complain loudly and constantly about my sandwich making peculiarities at work. This was back when we both worked at the same place and usually ate lunch together. My typical sandwich was a tuna sandwich with cheese. The bread had to be toasted one and a half times due to the crappy nature of the toaster there. It also took forever, also due to the crappy nature of the toaster. Then the tuna fish went on, mayo and pepper only. Then the cheddar cheese. The sandwich had to get nuked enough to melt the cheese. If any of these components was off, I didn't eat the sandwich.

It seems that once I get into a routine for a certain length of time it turns into an iron-clad obligation. The rules must not be broken, cannot be shirked. I think I'm salvageable though. I don't do that sandwich thing any more. After months of the sandwich at work cycle being forcibly suppressed (ie. unemployment) it faded and passed. I suppose if I slept on the couch for a month I'd break the sheet tightening thing also.

Fortunately Lovely Wife has high tolerance for my eccentricities so the couch thing isn't too likely.

Excuse me but it's time for another cup of coffee. I must go wash and dry my mug before refilling it.

Hey, remember way back last week when I did the Give it to me, Baby post? I've got the answers to all those questions. And since only gals were involved in the inquisition there's a lot of sex questions. Enjoy!

(Aside to Victor and Clancy - "Give It To Me Baby" by Rick James.)

From Holly:

How tall are you?
I'm taller than Michael J. Fox but shorter than French Stewart. I was 5'6" when we moved to Georgia but I suspect repeated body slams from the children have reduced this somewhat.

Where did you go to High School?
North Tonawanda Senior High. NT is a suburb of Buffalo, NY but is in Niagara County instead of Erie where the rest of the Buffalo environs lie. Our high school mascot was a lumberjack. Yeah, a lumberjack. Opposing teams liked to sing the "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay" Monty Python song at us. I'm not bitter.

What's your favorite snack food?
Ooh, this is a hard one. I love many snack foods. If I had to pick just one it would have to be cheese. Getting more specific it would be a toss-up between Emmentaller and Old Amsterdam.

From Tiffani:

Boxers or tighty whiteys?
Neither. I use boxer/briefs. All the freedom of boxers with the support of briefs. It's the best of both worlds.

How old where you when you first did "it"?
Twelve, and it was the happiest accidental discovery of my life. I was laying on my belly on the couch watching TV when I got a funny feeling. The couch was upholstered with a soft velour. The crack between the cushions succumbed to my clumsy advances and ... well let's just fade to black there. Sure hope Mom never reads this.

Michael Moore or Michael Jackson?
What's this, a Hobson's Choice? This is like picking between Stalin and Hitler. Well, I guess Moore is worse. Jackson is a freaky recluse and harmless to humanity (with the exception of prepubescent boys) - Moore is actively pushing an agenda that's dangerous to the world.

From DeAnna

What is the square root of 789?
Approximately 28.0891438103762784. With the exchange rate how it is that would be about 40 bucks Canadian.

When did you become a man?
Physically, at twelve (see Tiffani's question above). Responsibility-wise I got there in my mid-twenties. Mentally I'm still working on it.

If you were stranded on a deserted island with all the munuvians who would you eat first and why?
Lovely Wife of course. She loves it when I do that. Besides, being stranded doesn't absolve the wedding vows and I take those things seriously.

From LeeAnn

You have to move to a foreign land forever... which one?
Narnia. I've been in love with Narnia since I first read the chronicles at age 6. If you insist on a real world destination I'll pick Australia. There's every type of terrain and climate you could ask for plus an amazing history and local culture.

Through some sort of alternate reality, you are stuck in a world based entirely on one literary genre... mystery, comedy, horror, etc... which one?
Science Fiction. I'd pick fantasy except it's so dirty there and I have difficulty with other people's fragrances.

You can eat only ONE food for the rest of your life... which one?
Congrats. You've discovered my own version of hell. If I had to take only one food for the rest of my life it would be pizza with everything. That way I can at least take off selected toppings to get many different flavors.

From Kathleen

What do you wish you had done differently?
I'm a very firm believer in the nail/kingdom story (aka Butterfly Effect). For want of a nail the shoe was lost, etceteras. If I had changed something in my past I wouldn't be where I am now. There is too much in my life now that I would absolutely not sacrifice for me to change anything in my past.

That said, I would have gotten laid more often.

If money were not a consideration and you could do whatever you wanted, what would you do for work?
I would teach. If I won the Lotto and had more money than I could spend I'd go on a mad buying spree and spoil everybody I know. When the thrill of endless cash wore off I would settle down and teach.

What's your favorite beer?
Stovepipe Porter from the Otter Creek Brewing Company. Unfortunately they don't distribute to Georgia. If anybody in the NorthWest or Atlantic states (with the insufferable exception of Georgia) happened to send me some I would gladly trade any of my three children or the appendage of your choice.

Okay, so I'm getting pretty experienced with pain management. The crap I've got requires some form of external medication in order for me to function like a relatively normal person. I say relatively because, let's just face facts here, I ain't never gonna be accused of being normal. Hehe.

Anyway, the specialist I saw (the last doc I saw about whatever I've got) gave me Vioxx. This worked pretty well. When i was taking Vioxx I was pretty much back to regular function. General lack of pain, free body movement, wrestling with the kids, lifting heavy objects, stuff like that. The only thing it didn't really tackle was my feet. Still, it worked and I was in better shape for using it.

Then Vioxx was recalled because it kills people. People on Vioxx have a higher risk of heart attacks and strokes.

Fuck.

I kept taking it anyway, seeing as I didn't have that many left and am not in any particular risk category for heart problems. I looked forward to the day when I could see the doc again and get a prescription for Celebrex, which was the drug that Vioxx users were being switched to (in the majority).

In the meantime I needed something of the over-the-counter variety. I went to my old friends acetaminophen and acetylsalicylic acid. They'd carried me through many a hangover and headache. They sucked. Didn't really get rid of the pain at all. I tried ibuprofen. That worked pretty well but not for a very long time and I had to take a pretty large dose for it to work. It also started to make me violently ill.

Enter naproxen sodium. More commonly known as Naprox or Aleve. Aaaaaahhh!!! (<--- Angels singing)

It worked. Really well. Maybe not quite so well as Vioxx but well enough to function and no stomach problems, no need to overdose. I was happy and relieved that I had found something that worked to take me through to when I could get Celebrex.

Then late last week some problems surfaced regarding Celebrex. It seems that it kills people. People on Celebrex have a higher risk of heart attacks and strokes.

Fuck!

What the hell is up here? Now the FDA is looking into the entire class of drugs and it's possible that they might all be classified as unsafe. The entire class of drugs! This is the class of drugs specifically designed to get rid of the pain I've got.

Fuck!!

But wait, there's more. On my ride into work this morning I heard about a test that is being aborted because the drugs being tested were greatly increasing the risks of patient's suffering heart attacks and strokes. The drugs involved? Celebrex and naproxen.

Fucking Aleve, which has been on the market for 30 years, over the counter for more than a decade, regarded by all as one of the safest pain killers available, is suddenly found to increase risk factors for heart attacks and strokes but this isn't discovered until I need it?

Fuck you, universe!

I don't think fear of heights is properly characterized as a phobia. I think it lies more along the lines of "proper appreciation for gravity". It's really misnamed anyway - isn't it really a fear of falling to a painful and grizzly death? What could be more rational than that?

My life would probably have been a lot safer if I had that common sense response. Unfortunately for my insurance company I'm one of those freaks who likes falling. That tickling feeling you get when you look down from a height? The one that happens when your stomach is trying to invert itself and crawl behind your kidneys for protection? I love that feeling.

Way back in the early days of 2004 I began the Tactlessly Correct movement with a rant about political correctness. The discussion in that post is still continuing.

The current debate centers on the replacement of "Oriental" with "Asian". That's got me thinking. I have a goodly bit of Asian blood in me (1/4th of the total amount, if my math is correct). Great Grandma and Great Grandpa Laub immigrated from Byelorus. Sure they were caucasian but Byelorus is most definitely in Asia. I'm going to start checking the "Asian" box now whenever the "heritage" question comes up on the government forms.

I wonder how that will work out. I'm as white as the pure driven snow but I can genuinely claim to be of Asian descent.

Actually, now that I think of it I'm not quite as white as the pure driven snow. I'm actually only as white as the snow the day after it falls since I can claim Indian heritage as well. Nana was 1/2 Iroquois after all and that makes me 1/8th native. Maybe I'll alternate between "Asian" and "Native American" on those forms.

Or maybe I'll just start selecting "Other" and put down "American". Claiming anything else as my "heritage" is just sophistry.

I meant to write this a while ago. In fact I started to write it several times. Each time I did it got bigger and more confusing and was abandoned. So here goes the ultimate stripped down version:

1. The illness I mentioned casually here, the one I was taking medication for, is a bit more serious than I let on.
2. Around the time I first heard that I was going to be out of a job I started to get sick. Pain all over. Very nasty.
3. Didn't see a doctor right away - thought it was stress from the crap at work.
4. Eventually went to the doctor when I could no longer NOT go to a doctor.
5. Preliminary diagnosis of fybromyalgia (means "everything hurts") - I had every symptom, seemed a pretty safe diagnosis.
6. Tests showed high levels of serum aldolase (muscle protein in my blood) indicating spontaneous muscle degeneration.
7. Doc took about half of my blood (7 tubes! WTF?) to run a series of every blood test known to man.
8. Doc gave me Ambien so I could get some sleep and Zoloft to restore my natural sleep cycle, which had been totally fubarred from the illness.
9. Zoloft eliminated my creative writing abilities. And my imagination. It made me very lumpish. This was very disconcerting.
10. Ruled out fibromyalgia. Possibly could be polymyositis or dermatomyositis, both of which sound way less "venereal diseasish" than fybromyalgia.
11. My job was eliminated and I joined the ranks of the unemployed.
12. Went to a specialist.
13. Specialist took more blood, a load of x-rays and gave me Vioxx for the pain.
14. Specialist ruled out the non venereal diseasish sounding illnesses.
15. Specialist diagnosed the feet as having severe Plantar Fasciitis.
16. Specialist injected molten lava (aka cortisone) into my plantar tendons. No, check that. Molten lava probably wouldn't have hurt that badly.
17. I vowed to kill anybody who ever threatens me with cortisone injections. The jury will accept my assertion that it was done in self-defense.
18. Began feeling progressively better.
19. Tests came back.
20. Serum aldolase levels getting lower.
21. Specialist informs me that I have a genetic disposition to some bad bone problems later in life. Unrelated to current problems.
22. Specialist gives me diagnosis of "spontaneous muscle degeneration, source unknown, possibly viral".
23. Specialist loads me up with Vioxx because...
24. COBRA insurance coverage runs out. No money to keep this going.
25. Vioxx is recalled from the market.
26. Ran out of Ambien.
27. Got a job. Yay!
28. Stopped taking Zoloft.
29. Brain returned to normal function. Yay!
30. I vowed to kill anybody who ever threatens me with Zoloft. The jury will accept my assertion that it was done in self-defense.
31. Ran out of Vioxx. Yeah, I was still taking it. Choice between functional with chance of heart attack or non-functional. Functional won.
32. Stopped feeling progressively better.
33. Started feeling worse.
34. Got insurance again. Yay!
35. First day off will be in January. Will try to get Saturday appointment with docs before then.

And there we are. Currently I'm functional. I'm in nowhere near the shape I was in when I finally surrendered my stubbornocity and went to see my doc. (Incidentally, he had some choice words for me over my decision to wait so long before coming in.) I can walk around, just not real walking like we used to do. I can stand on my feet long enough to cook dinner. I can wrestle with the boys. I'm basically fully functional, just with limited duration.

Please do not be pissed that I didn't mention all of this months ago. At first I didn't know what was going on, then my normal obstinacy kicked in, then it was explained to me in no uncertain terms by a certain somebody who will remain nameless though you may recognize her from her supreme fisking skills (even though she hates fisking) that the view from outside is that of friends who care and are genuinely concerned and feel pretty shat upon that I played this so close to the vest so I decided that I would indeed let some folks know about it, then I figured I'd make a post about it, then the post got too big and complicated, then I basically relegated the whole thing to the back burner, then another friend inquired yesterday and I remembered just why I was going to make a post in the first place, so then I wrote this post that has gotten much larger than I was planning on writing but what the hell I'm at the very end now so it's finished and I can just publish it and call it a done deal.

...where do you get all this time during the day to post stuff? If I weren't on vacation, I would be WAY too busy to post....

I replied with this short answer:

It all rattles around in my brain and I just disgorge it here. The physical typing happens in the early AM, lunchtimes and sometimes in the late PM.

But my answer has been bothering me because it's really superficial. So now I will entrap you in welcome you into the frightening maelstrom depths of my mind in search of the complete answer.

idiosyncrasy
Pronunciation: "i-dE-&-'si[ng]-kr&-sE
Function: noun
Etymology: "idio" from the French idiote meaning Belgian, "syncrasy" from the Russian synchronous meaning swimming in a group wearing stupid smiles and nose plugs

1 An oddity of manner or temperament : eccentricity : something that other people go "Ewww!" when they hear about it
2 An oddment that generally falls under the category of "too much information"

You know those lists of 100 things about me that are very popular with blogsters? Basically they're just a list of idiosyncrasies. But they are loooooong lists. Who came up with 100 for the goal anyway? Probably a fascist. Those lists must be a bitch to write and who really wants to read 100 things about somebody?

So you get three from me. Three is a number I can get a handle on. I mean, I can count that high with less than a handful of fingers. Plus it's mystical. The number three appears all over the place: the holy trinity, the Three Stooges, Kukla, Fran and Ollie, you get the picture.

1: I take my pants off when I poop. Comfort is king with me and I just don't feel comfortable with my ankles tied together while trying to squeeze out a stink pickle. Spread the legs wide on the seat and you'll be surprised how much better you flow. Trust me.

2: I sleep at the edge of the bed. Well, not right on the edge of the bed but at least touching it. If I don't have a hand or foot on an edge I can't sleep because I lose my orientation and position sense. Basically I have to be near the edge of the bed because if I'm in the middle of it I'm afraid I'll fall off.

3: If I ever get held up in classic style where the robber comes up behind and puts a gun to my head I will be dead. This is because I will totally freak the robber out when I am seized with paroxysms of laughter. The back of my head is so ticklish I will get tremors along my whole body when it is touched. Lovely Wife gets a kick out of this one.

4: I get a fierce enjoyment out of breaking rules, even my own.

UPDATE: This one has suddenly become topical too so I'm topping it.

Some folks have been giving Helen some guff because she's a strong supporter of a certain right-wing weblog. Right off the bat I have a low opinion of them. You get to the point where you think you should be telling other people how to think and you are past the point of rational discourse in my book. What really burns my butt here is the weblog these people are complaining about. You're all familiar with it to some extent because you're reading it right now.

Yeah, isn't that a kick and a half for your ass? Snooze Button Dreams viewed as a right-wing blog?

I ended up at 0,0 on the Political Compass. I voted for Al "Watch Me Implode" Gore, y'all. That's how right-wing I am.

If I had to be pigeon holed into a major party I'd have to pick "fuck you, no I don't either". I am one of those rare breed of citizens who looks at issues instead of parties. All politicians are scum to one extent or another. I firmly believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with anybody who would run for public office. There's a mental disjoin required for anybody to want to be a politician. I am most certainly not going to align myself with any group of fundamentally unsound persons.

There are some parts of a traditional Republican agenda that I agree with. There are some parts of a traditional Democratic agenda that I agree with. Same with Libertarians, Reformists and even a bit of Green. I do not fall neatly (or even sloppily) into any of these groups.

So why do casual viewers think I'm a conservative? There are a couple of reasons that I can think of:

1. I think that Michael Moore is a bag of puss.


2. I absolutely despise the Clintons.


3. I am hawkish on actions in Afghaniraq.


4. I have an American flag in my sidebar. (I've got one on my van too. And two on my house.)


5. I believe that the War on Terror is a real war that we need to pursue vigilantly and mercilessly.


6. I believe that it is wrong to slaughter Jews.

These items have become associated with the Republican party and therefore these people are painting me with the conservative brush. That happens when you rush to a snap decision or when you are small-minded enough that you must stick people into your own preconceived categories. People who have taken the time to know me have discovered why I think that Michael Moore is a bag of puss (because he's a lying bastard), why I despise the Clintons (because they are lying bastards; also, Hillary is one shade light of Stalin), why I'm hawkish on actions in the Middle East (because that is where the terrorists come from), why I have American flags all over (because I love my country; I love being a part of the greatest nation in the world and I am proud to show everybody how much I support her), why I'm so pro-War on Terror (because these people are wrong and evil and won't ever stop until we kill all of them; think mini-Terminators only not so tough), and why I am against killing Jews (do I really need something in the parenthesis for this one?).

Add to that my dislike of waste and big government, my intolerance of idiocy and my perfect willingness to write off any person, group, country or continent that does not agree with the last two items on that list and that probably explains why these people have jumped to the wrong conclusion about my politics.

Who are these people anyway? I don't know them and I doubt I ever will. The reason why is probably another reason that they've incorrectly assumed I'm a right-wing type. If you look at my blogroll you won't see many political blogs but most of the ones you see are right leaning. There is a very good reason for this. I have found leftish blogs to be increasingly strident and angry over the past year. I have lost a few blogs from my blogroll, written by people I liked, because it became painful to read them. I honestly can't hear any more from the Bush Lied crowd. I can't stand hearing explanations of moral equivalence, bashing against America, and hysterical hyperbole about the government any longer. People that polarize and publish to the left just seem to be getting bitchier and bitchier and I'm sick of listening to it.

Besides, I read political blogs mainly for the news perspectives. I can get the lefty slant on news items through Reuters and AP feeds or any number of regular newspapers.

To sum up, if you happen to be one of the people giving Helen a hard time please knock it the hell off. First, you are a jackass for doing it. Second, you are wrong. Third, I really mean it - you are a jackass.

So I mentioned previously that I'd had a genuine epiphany. It occurred during a deep dark exploration of the soul, some time between going to bed and falling to sleep a couple of hours later. See I was having trouble falling asleep and I started thinking about the jobs I've held over the past twenty plus years. Yeah, twenty plus. My very first real job was as a dishwasher in a bakery when I was 14. Even before that I had paper routes.

In twenty plus years of working I've had jobs I've liked and jobs I haven't liked. Most of them were in the first category as I'm fairly easy to please but also had no compunction about leaving a place if I didn't like it. Those two qualities together kept the bad jobs to a minimum. Now on the jobs that I liked I found a certain constant that encompassed my absolute favorite times on those jobs. The duty or responsibility or task that made me the happiest was the same whether I was working as a cart pusher, meat cutter, arcade attendant, cashier, surgical tech, what have you. I always got the most satisfaction and enjoyment out of a job when I was teaching somebody else.

I love teaching. That's my epiphany. Okay, so it's not a world-shaking event. I don't know if I can even use that. See, I'm not qualified to be hired as a teacher. Even in the things that I know at an elemental level I don't have a piece of paper that says "This guy can teach that". Not only that but the salary for teachers is somewhat low compared to what I need to support my family.

So I probably will not be pursuing a teaching position now as there's no realistic chance of realizing the goal. I will, however, be keeping my eyes out for opportunities to get those pieces of paper and to incorporate teaching in the jobs that I get.

Some day I may be able to do what I really want. For now I'll busy myself getting ready.

(Groped from LeeAnn in a powerful and confident manner.)

The Analogia Star Estimator compares me to these guys:

Kyle MacLachlan and Matt LeBlanc. Yeah, I guess they could hang with me.

Hey, wait a sec. Would that make me Chandler or Ross?

(Filched from the exceptionally lovely Sandra McDowell)

1. Which political party do you typically agree with?
Libertarian on most issues, Republican on some, Democrat on some

2. Which political party do you typically vote for?
Mixed bag. I vote by candidate so there's no fixed trend here.

3. List the last five presidents that you voted for.
Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Gore (See? Told ya so.)

4. Which party do you think is smarter about the economy?
I think they're all pretty stupid about the economy. They all keep thinking they need to screw with it.

5. Which party do you think is smarter about domestic affairs?
This is tough. If we go by party platforms then the Republicans have a distinct edge over the Democrats. If we go by actual performance then it's pretty much a dead heat.

6. Do you think we should keep our troops in Iraq or pull them out?
Our troops need to be there until they are not needed there. The 'need' I speak of is both Iraq's physical need for protection and America's need to protect and promote her interests.

7. Who, or what country, do you think is most responsible for 9/11?
Person: Osama bin Laden. Group: al Quaeda. Country: Afghanistan. Culture: Arab. Fundament: Islam.

8. Do you think we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
We already have. We'll find more, too.

9. Yes or no, should the U.S. legalize marijuana?
Yes.

10. Do you think the Republicans stole the last presidental election?
No.

11. Do you think Bill Clinton should have been impeached because of what he did with Monica Lewinski?
No but he should have been impeached for his blatant lies under oath.

12. Do you think Hillary Clinton would make a good president?
Oh Lordy no. She doesn't make a good Senator and didn't even make a particularly good First Wife.

13. Name a current Democrat who would make a great president.
Zell Miller

14. Name a current Republican who would make a great president.
Condoleeza Rice

15. Do you think that women should have the right to have an abortion?
I thought they already did. This question should be "Do you think that a woman's right to have an abortion should be taken away?" My answer would be "no" to that one.

16. What religion are you?
Non-denominational agnostic.

17. Have you read the Bible all the way through?
Yes.

18. What's your favorite book?
Currently it's a toss-up between Everybody Poops and The Gas We Pass. Those get the most laughs from the kids when I read them.

19. Who is your favorite band?
I don't have one. Former favorite bands have included Def Leppard, Guns n' Roses, Concrete Blonde and Live.

20. Who do you think you'll vote for president in the next election?
Bush

21. What website did you see this on first?
First encountered at Blown Fuse

It's been a while since I've been able to do a Cheddar X but that's okay - it just means this is a rare and valuable cheese. This week's Cheddar is political in nature but Johnny did an excellent job of not making them leading questions. Here goes:

Tell us about the first album you ever owned. What was it, was there a story behind it? How about the last album you acquired?

The very first music album (after the genuine kid stuff like Snoopy and the Red Baron and various Muppets records) was Dr. Hook: A little Bit More.

My Mom and I with my little brother were staying with my Aunt to help with my Uncle (who was failing rapidly). My Dad bought me the Dr.Hook album because my cousines told him that this was what the hip crowd wanted to listen to. It blew my mind completely and irrevocably. My mom overheard it the second day I had it in the house and she confiscated it. She said she was giving it back to my Dad, this music was too grown up for me.

Well it was way too late. In the short time that I had posession of that album I listened to it more than a dozen times straight through and a select few songs (When You're in Love With a Beautiful Woman, A Little Bit More and Sexy Eyes) dozens more. I got the boogy in my blood and it never left.

After that I bugged my older brother constantly for all of his funk. I begged, borrowed and stole my Dad's Bee-Gee's, Barry Manilow and Wayne Newton. I sat at the radio every Saturday morning with my Radio Shack tape recorder jacked in to record the best off of Casey's Top 40. It was the beginning of the end of my childhood.

The very last album I purchased for myself was Concrete Blonde y Los Illegals.

Johnette was spending too much time south of the border and it showed in the music. The hard driving riffs I loved and expected from Blonde weren't there. The sweet scratchy ululations of Napolitano were absent. The band had gone adrift and was faltering badly.

I lost faith in music with this album. I'd already been on a downward spiral and this was the capper. Since this CD in 1997 I haven't purchased a musical album. Don't cry for me, it hasn't been a sad parting, nor a total one. I listen to the radio occasionally in the car. I borrow CDs or MP3s sometimes when I'm curious about a song or artist. So far I haven't been seriously tempted to buy another CD.

What's your story? Give it to us in the comments here or post on your own blog and trackback to this post so we can follow along.

1. Middle Name?
Robert

2. Favorite Animal?
Wolf. Timber wolf to be specific but any flavor will do in a pinch.

3. If you were to go on a deserted island for 10 years, and you could take 1 person and 3 items, what would you take?
I think I've answered this somewhere else. I'd take Sally Struthers. That way I could crack her across the head the first time she whined about being hungry and then feed myself for the rest of my stay. I mean, have you seen her recently? I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs!

For items I'd take a damn fine survival rifle complete with shitloads of ammo. Item two would be a damn fine survival knife. Item three would be a really large pot. I can boil water to make it potable, cook things easily, sterilize my knife for amputations when necessary...the possibilities are endless. And Struthers is probably a bit stringy - she'd be better as stew than she would as chops.

4. What’s your favorite food?
See question 3a. Haha, just kidding. It's pizza. With peppers, onions, mushrooms, sausage, pepperoni, and canadian bacon. And extra cheese, but that goes without saying.

5. Who’s your favorite band?
Overall, probably either Led Zeppelin or the Melody Makers (Bob Marley). Tragically Hip are pretty high up there too.

6. Who’s your favorite person?
Me. You gotta be happy with you before you're any good to anybody else.

7. How old are you?
Thirty four? Thirty five? No, can't be thirty five yet, I'd remember that. I'll go with thirty four. I'll do the math if you make me but it'll cost you a dollar. Each.

8. Where do you live?
Atlanta, Jawjah

9. What’s your favorite type of Ice Cream?
Whichever one has the best chance of putting me into a chocolate induced coma.

10. What’s your favorite family tradition?
Going to the Atebellum plantation at Stone Mountain Park for picnics, swashbuckling, football and tag.

11. Do you have a job? If so where?
Damn well better at almost thirty-five with 3 kids. I'm an analyst for a company that makes software distribution systems.

12. What’s your dream car?
One that's solid state electronics and runs off a fuel cell. Don't forget the lifetime bumper to bumper warranty.

Play along. Answer here in the comments or trackback a post to Mookie.

Here's a finger tray of samples of Cheddary goodness. Don't take too many! You'll spoil your supper.

1. When was the last time you caught yourself before doing something really stupid? What was it?
What time is it now? Hell, if I didn't do something really stupid in the past hour then just wait around a couple of minutes. As to what it was? I do way too many of these to keep specific memories of them. That's like asking somebody to keep track of blinking.

2. What was your last nightmare about?
Smoking. Brrrrr.

3. How do you entertain yourself in traffic?
Talking. I'm never in traffic alone.

4. Who inspires you?
Maybe it's because I'm in a mini-funk or something but I honestly don't feel inspired by anybody right now. Now if you asked what inspired me I'd say that little clock in the bottom right corner of my monitor. It is freaking gorgeous outside and I wanna be out there.

5. What trait in the opposite sex makes you wonder most?
Um...what? Please repeat this in the form of an answer. Or something like that. I'm saying that I don't understand what's being asked here.

6. Which of the seven deadly sins is the worst? Why?
My favorite is lust. As far as worst? I don't think any of them are all that bad, really. They're human emotional responses. Nothing more, nothing less. Rational people deal with 'em, irrational people end up making 27 laws on how to take a crap.

7. Do you blog on the weekends much or at all?
Generally not at all but some times a bit. I'm definitely not writing anything on the weekends except once each blue moon or so. I might do bloggy posts if I come across something while reading but generally I don't even bother to do that on the weekends.

It's time for some more cheesy word association with the Cheddar X. These don't lend themselves to our spot the wrong answer Snooze Points side game so there isn't one this week. I'll make it up to you though - I'll dedicate a moment of my morning to thinking about you. Yes, you and only you. Boop boop de doo.

This is a double association game where we take a word and give the first word we think of and then do it again taking our answer as the new word to be associated with. Sound confusing? Well, this is just one of the many reasons why psychiatrists are allowed to dispense narcotics.

Update: Results at the end of the extended entry.

Ah, yes. It is time once again for the Cheddar X

This week's Cheddar X is a special format. It's a word association thing where you're supposed to reply with the first thing that comes into your head when you read each word. Here goes!

Olympics = Olympics
Politics = Politics
John Kerry = John Kerry
George Bush = George Bush
Osama = Osama
Same-sex marriage = Same-sex marriage

What? Oh, the first thing that comes into my head besides the words given. Okay, let's try that again.

Olympics = games
Politics = games
John Kerry = Bill Clinton
George Bush = Kick Ass
Osama = fucktard
Same-sex marriage = Enough Already
Todd Bertuzzi = goon
Barry Bonds = cokehead
The Passion of the Christ = Enough Already
Beach = nude
Britney Spears = nude soon
Paris Hilton = Barry Bonds
Microsoft = All encompassing warmth, gratitude and security
France = Cheese eating appeasement monkeys
Hans Blix = ankle biter
Linux = Luxy
MTV = More (of) The View
Outsource = Profit
Hummer H2 = Poser Hummer
Honor = Harrington
Love = Ly Wife
Courtney Love = skank

Well, okay. Some of those weren't my real responses. The problem is that some of my actual responses blew. Okay, okay. The real responses are in the extended version.

Update: Results at the end of the extended entry.

Here it is - Friday already. Sweet!

Let's start the day with a slice of Cheddar X.

Ah, listen to the weekend approaching, bringing with it balmy breezes, relaxing rays and buckets of booze the Cheddar X.

UPDATE: Points results are at the bottom of the extended entry.

This week's Cheddar is going to be weak. It's a nifty concept, I just suck at it. See, we're supposed to do poems for the answers. The extent of my poetry knowledge is the repertoire of Andrew Dice Clay. Well, let's see what we can do.

1. What is your favorite poem or verse? Why?
There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a-blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes, the danger must be growing
'Cause the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing.

That messed up poem that Wonka said
Gave me chills and feelings dread.
When young it made me shake and shiver
Even now it sets me all aquiver.

2. Describe your family.
A Lovely Wife so tall and fair
A rugrat boy that we call Bear
The Burger boy is our third son
And number two we call Bacon

3. What line in a song or poem do people always screw up that drives you nuts?
I must admit,
I am not teasin'
There's no such line
That gets me seethin'

4. Are there poems or songs that you intentionally change the words to?
Yeah there was a special one
Idol's Mony sucked
Billy really should have sung
Y'all get laid get fucked

5. Make up a standard limerick about something funny that happened in the last couple of days.
A beautiful day in Lawrenceville
We took our kite atop the hill
The spool was lost
The kite was tossed
But all was saved by puppies' skill.

(Lovely Wife lost the thread spool and the puppy chased it and held it up long enough for her to grab it again)

6. How about a haiku about your last intense emotional moment?
Quitting smoking now
My blood cries for nicotine
Fury ebbs slowly

7. What's caught your eye in the news lately?
Bush says marriage is for guy and girl.
An amendment for this? I'm gonna hurl.
Kerry keeps talking out both sides of his face.
He'll say anything he thinks will win his race.
The Georgia House's resolution
Makes mockery of our Constitution.
Idiots on global warming last night
This morning Atlanta's covered in white.
Politicians snipe and root like hogs.
Fuck em all, I'll read weblogs.

Bonus: Whoever can figure out what rhymes with orange gets the bonus prize this week!
Whate'er it is you think you hear
With strained and tender youngster's ear
The sound of pogo bouncing high
As playmate comes approaching nigh

To bounce then fall to bounce again
Its springy coil so serves and then
The sound you hear, that "pornge, pornge, pornge"
Still yet not quite doth rhyme with orange

Points?: None this time around. Sorry folks, I almost had an aneurism just writing a half dozen verses. Imagine what might have happened if I had to put devious thought into one! I'll make it up to you later.

I first saw something like this over at Ilyka's and now Michele's getting into it too.

What are the first 10 songs that come up if you put (insert your music playing program) on random? Here's mine:

1. Metallica - The Shortest Straw


2. Heart - Who Will You Run To


3. Green Day - Basket Case


4. Scorpions - The Zoo


5. Dan Fogelberg - Longer


6. Beastie Boys - Brass Monkey


7. John Cougar Mellencamp - Hurts So Good


8. Nirvana - Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle


9. Aerosmith - F.I.N.E.


10. Sister Hazel - We'll Find It

And number 11 (My playlist goes up to 11)
Commander Cody - Hot Rod Lincoln

And just in case you're interested (and who could blame you?), here's the first 10 from my last non-random playlist (Playlist title is "Crap Code Mix"):

1. 10,000 Maniacs - Candy Everybody Wants


2. Alien Fashion Show - Detroit Swing City


3. Megadeth - Symphony of Destruction


4. Sarah McLachlan - VOX


5. Bad Company - Fist Full of Blisters


6. Metallica - Breadfan


7. Brahms-Piano Concerto No.1 (Maestoso)


8. Sinead O'Connor - Just Like U Said it Would Be


9. Brian Setzer - Gettin' In the Mood


10. Concrete Blonde - Bajo la Lune Mexicana

And number 11:
Gipsy Kings - Bamboleo

So, am I odd or just eclectic?

...so is the Cheddar X of our lives.

Similar to last week, one of the answers here is a bald faced lie. Can you spot it?

Update: Answer to the lie is at the bottom of the extended entry.

Updated 16 Feb: Contest results are in.

This is a very special edition of the Cheddar X. It's about SEX!!! Everything you've always wanted to know about my sex life but were (quite intelligently) afraid to ask. Ever wanted the truth behind that cow picture? The story of how I lost my virginity? How many partners I've had? Well you won't find answers to any of those but there's a lot of other titilating stuff.

There's also one answer that is a total and complete lie (and I don't mean the ones I brushed off humorously either). Can you spot it?

The more you eat, the more you fart.
The more you fart, the better you feel.
So eat cheese with every meal.

It's Friday, so bring out The Cheddar X!

This is a very special Cheddar X. This week we're serving a very bitter cheddar, as the answers to the questions should amply show.

...it's time for the Cheddar X!

It's time for the Cheddar X!

A little New Year's Cheddar for your enjoyment:

1. How do you organize your music?
I don't. Once long ago there was a purposeful random disorganization along with a detailed index. The index got out of date so it was abandoned. I've tried once or twice to put the CD's in alphabetical order but that only lasts for a relatively short time. On my PC at work I do have one slight bit of organization. One folder has classical music, the other has everything else.

2. Do you have more online or more hard copy music?
Hard copy. I have some MP3s ripped to my PC at work for listening there but I have none at home.

3. What are your three most favorite bands you found or heard of online?
None. I've never found a one of 'em online.

4. What are your New Year's resolutions, if any?
I posted those in the Resolutional a couple days ago.

5. How did you do on your last year's resolutions?
I don't know. I can't remember if I made any last year. If you've read the post linked in #4 above you've probably caught that I'm not huge on resolutions.

In 2004, I resolve to:

1. Drink more
2. Eat more
3. Cuss more
4. Diddle both myself and others on a far less frequent basis
5. Blow more cash on gadgets and jeejaws
6. Get into massive debt
7. See #4 again
8. Develop a hair-trigger temper
9. Totally obsess over the upcoming elections
10. One more time for #4

You see, I don't hold a lot of truck with New Years Resolutions. If you need to change something, the fact that you profess it at the beginning of the year doesn't really do anything towards helping you accomplish the change. And doesn't it have some sort of "New Wave Psychic Confessional" feel to have people parading out what they think are their worst habits in need of changing? Some wierd "Resolutional" vibe?

Besides that, I like to win and the typical resolution has a distinct chance of failure. With my way, failing to keep my resolutions is actually a success for me personally. On the odd chance that I do keep one then I've succeeded in keeping a resolution. Either way, I win.

Do you have any items to get off your chest at the Resolutional?

Cheese is best when properly aged so this extremely late Cheddar X should be phenomenal!

It's Friday and that means its time to serve up a wedge of Cheddar X. The format is a bit different this week. Johnny Huh explains:

Choose one of your favorite bands and answer the questions using song titles by that band. I think it would add some fun to not name the band and see how hard it is for people to guess (guessing, by the way, does not include using Google so no cheating!). But do it either way you want to.

I cheated just a little bit and used a singer and that singer's original group. 2 points each for the singer and the group (no internet searching, remember!). And what the heck, 2 more points for the group that sang the song that inspired the title to this post.

Cheddar X, that is. It's a Cheesy Movie Friday (in the extended post).

Yes, the end of the week is here and that means it's time for The Cheddar X!

In the interest of saving space and keeping the Paris Hilton porn post as close to the top of the page as possible I've put the Cheddar in the extended entry.

Time for another round of The Cheddar X.

Jennifer's interview of me is ready for your perusal. Ever wonder what's up with the giant cow udder? Now's your chance to find out.

Here, have some Cheddar

1. What's the worst candy you've ever gotten on Halloween?
Necco wafers. What the hell is that about? It's not sweet, it's not sour, it has the consistency of chalk and tastes like that nasty pseudo bread that the priests pass off as Jesus meat.

2. What is your best comfort food?
Chocolate milk. Not just any chocolate though. It has to be Nestle Quick powder so it won't actually disolve all the way and you get little choco granule bits and a thick brown slurry at the bottom of the glass.

3. When was the last time you tried a new vegetable or fruit and what was it?
The last new fruit I remember trying was kiwi and I thought it was quite a bit like a lemon crossed with a strawberry with extra seeds added. I can't for the life of me figure out what is so special about those things.

4. Is there a dish your mom or dad made for you growing up that you hated and can't even stand to think of now?
Liver and onions. Do you know what the liver does? It filters all of the nasty poisonous crap out of your blood so you won't die from your own internal filth. And people eat this?

5. What's your favorite snacking food?
Cheese. Good cheese like a nice boerenkaas gouda or aged cheddar. Ementaller is one of my favorites.

Bonus Question. What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
I was briefly dressed up as a bottle of Tequila today but they made me take off the costume when I wouldn't stop talking about the worm in the bottle.

Referred by Suburban Blight to OTP who ripped it off of North Georgia Dogma.

A-ACTOR (favorite): Sean Connery

B-BOYHOOD IDOLS (in the non-biblical sense): John "Hannibal" Smith, Commander Adama

C-CHORE YOU HATE: Chores? I have a wife. [duck] SWISH [/duck]

Than a slice of aged Cheddar,
In the mooooooooorningk.

(Read that in a Bugs Bunny singing voice for the full effect.)

And he's headed straight for my Cheddar X!

1. Of the cast of characters in your life today, who amongst them are people that you cannot envisage your life without?
Lovely Wife and G. And that's not because they'll be reading this sometime either. I have no idea what I would do or where I would be if Lovely Wife wasn't in my life but I know it wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am now. Same with G - he's my cousin but he's also (and more importantly) my best friend.

2. If you could name a Talk Like Day (as in our recent Talk Like a Pirate Day), what day would you initiate?
How about Talk Like an Intelligent Adult Day? For one day there would be no Spanglish, Ebonics, pidgin English, colloquial butchery, slanglish, etc.

3. What's your favorite home remedy for a cold or flu?
For a cold I don't have one. Either suck it up or self medicate. You will not beat a cold no matter what the advertisers tell you. For a flu I recommend large quantities of alcohol. Hey, if you're going to be miserable with a splitting head and puke bucket next to the bed anyway then you might as well. It's like a "Get out of Hangover Free" card.

4. What's your most embarassing moment? (I could swear this has been asked before but I can't find it anywhere)
You're thinking of "What's the absolute dumbest thing you've done?". My answer to that one works for this one too.

5. What's the funniest product name you've come across or invented?
Colon Blow cereal and New Super Colon Blow - with twigs! in honor of the plethora of root and bark breakfast options that became available a few years ago.

6. What's your ideal honeymoon?
A couple weeks at the Playboy Mansion would fit the bill. Okay, so it might not be the most romantic setting but if you can tell your buds that you spent your honeymoon at the Playboy Mansion do you know how many Guy Points you would get? That's like hitting the Lottery right there!

Extra Credit
10 points to anybody (except G) who can tell me where the title to this post came from.

Faster than a hit counter during an Instalanche, more cheesy than those nasty new chips from Nabisco, able to leap clean over the Friday 5 in a single bound, it's the Cheddar X.

1. This one's from Lileks: “Families of terrorists who blow up men, women and children, some of whom are Americans, no longer receive money from Saddam, because Saddam no longer rules Iraq. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? Explain.�
I'm not so sure that the premise of the question is correct. If Saddam is still alive, as most intelligence sources believe, he isn't hurting for cash. Continuing to funnel money to Exploder Corp would still be a worthwhile venture for him. Keeps the goodwill of the terrorists and sets up a retreat for him if needed. If he can make it to the occupied territories nobody can go in and touch him without being branded as anti-Pal for invading them. To answer the question though - Yes, it is a very good thing. The less support that there is for radical terrorist groups the better it is for all concerned.

2. You've got the Magic Button of Death. Every time you press the button the person you want to kill will die. One other random person will also die. Do you use the button? Who do you whack?
Do you remember that video game Track & Field? The faster you pressed the button the faster your guy would run and there was no upper limit. To get ludicrous high scores you would lace a comb through the fingers of your left hand, rest the edge of the comb on the button and then do an impersonation of the worlds fastest telegraph operator. Now picture me with the Magic Button, a comb and a great big grin. The list of people who need to die for the betterment of mankind is long but Arafat and Hussein would definitely top the list. Former likely targets such as Charles Taylor would be spared to encourage other Evils in Power to step down peacefully.

Okay, daydream is over now. No, I don't think I could actually use the button. It's not because I have any problem with taking the life of a Hussein, Arafat or bin Laden. It's because of the "Monkey's Paw" clause that takes the life of a random person when The Button is used. I know that collateral deaths are a regrettable but inevitable part of targetted strikes. I know that a single casualty to take out these monsters is way better than any real world situation could provide. I also know that taking them out would save dozens, hundreds, even thousands of lives in the future. I just don't think that I could bring myself to take that one random life in order to do it.

Maybe I'd give my button to Rumsfield and then watch for the inevitable signs of carpal tunnel syndrome.

3. You've won a million dollars with the conditions that you can only use it to purchase things for yourself and anything you haven't spent in a month is forfeit. What do you buy?
1983 Porche 911 Turbo Cabriolet, approximately $50,000.
2004 Itasca Horizon, approximately $100,000.
House of my dreams, approximately $300,000 (I have moderate tastes).
Every kick ass widget and geejaw that a geek could have a wet dream over (plasma TVs, PCs from Hell, Bang & Olufsen systems, etc.), probably around $125,000.
Stocks, bonds, gold bars, other assets would make up the remainder.

4. You've won a million free and clear. What do you do with it?
"If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a monkey. Haven't you always wanted a monkey?"

Houses and cars get paid off for Pops, G, Moms, S-Sis and S-Bro. Moms gets a house in Georgia, Lil Bro gets a new piano and coffee maker plus tuition paid (he's hard to shop for). Pay off debts for Lovely Wife & Me. Buy the dream house noted above, new minivan for Lovely Wife, car for me. New PCs for Lovely Wife & myself. Kick Ass tree house/fort/playground for the kids. Great Dane for Lovely Wife. Trip to Hawaii for all of us. The rest goes to savings and investments.

5. What song or band do you listen to when you want to reminisce or visit a moment in your past? What's the moment?
Rough question for me. I pretty much stopped listening to music for enjoyment around a decade ago. I'll occasionally use it for background noise and if somebody else has it on that's cool. I'll even play DJ at a party when the muse strikes me but I can't remember the last time I instigated music for the sake of listening to it. That said, if I happen to hear Led Zeppelin or Nirvana it takes me back to OR Tech school in Oakland. Concrete Blond will bring me back to my days rooming at E's house in Amherst. Hall & Oats puts me way back to my proto-geek days when I first discovered RPGs and video games made their debut.

6. Can you know what someone is like just based on how they look or act without meeting them?
In the absolute sense it's dangerous to assume that you know a person based on their appearance. I myself will most often be found in a moderately ripped t-shirt and threadbare shorts though I'm a far cry from what that would typically indicate. I wear those because they have not yet invented polo shirts and slacks that are as comfortable and I am all about comfortable. In the abstract, yes, you can. Appearances do count and generally speaking you can tell a lot about a person (or the person they are trying to be) by the image they are projecting. If you've got a punk haircut and a chain running between the rings in your eyebrows, nose and chin then I'm going to assume that you're a punk until you prove otherwise. If you show up to work in a skirt suit, delightful perfume, just the right amount of leg showing and a decent amount of heel under your shoe then I'm going to take you seriously and give you the benefit of an assumption of intelligence and class. That's assuming that you're female. If you are a guy dressed like that then I'm going to have an entirely different set of preconceived notions.

Happy Birthday to you.
You look like a monkey,
and you smell like one too.

That's how it goes, right? I'm trying to recall the birthday traditions of my youth in order to pass them down to the boys. You see, summer is birthday season for our clan. Bear was July 24. Pop is Aug 8. Big Sis is Aug 9. Mom is Aug 10. And today? Well, today is when I officially turn twice as many years old as I was when I graduated high school.

Spooky. I don't feel 34. I certainly don't act it. I mean, 34 is so...adult. Heck, I spent a good chunk of last night playing Wario World on the Newly Restored Ultra Incredibly Cool Nintendo Brand Game Cube! Until I had to stop to rescue Burger from a nightmare and spent a half hour rubbing his tummy and talking him down until he could sleep again. Heck, as soon as I post this I'm going to fire up another game. Probably Medieval: Total War. Until the rugrats wake up, of course. Then I'll go upstairs, wipe butts as necessary, assist as needed with AM tooth cleansing, help the older ones pick out clothes, dress up the little guy, do the 4 dwarfs walk downstairs (Hi ho, hi ho, it's down the stairs we go.), get the breakfasts going, etceteras.

Taking an inventory we have: slowly thinning hair, minivan, "Dad" job, whole life, term life, medical, dental, renters, auto, supplemental life, clean house, 3 kids, Lovely Wife. When Lovely Wife went to New Orleans, G offered to take me to his favorite ballet club. (Ballet club is a Buffalo euphamism for the Canadian Ballet, or strip club.) My response was how about 6 Flags instead?

Damn. I am growing up.

>From the Cheddar X. This is even better than an (i)FAQ. Actual questions from other people!

1. What is people's greatest misconception about you?
That I'm whipped. When I answer a "Wanna go/do xxxx" question with "Lemme check with Lovely Wife" I get some sad and pitying looks. Trust me, if I want to go somewhere/do something, it's going to be gone and/or done. I check with Lovely Wife for a couple reasons. Most importantly, I have absolutely zero ability to recall my own committments. This is a malfunction in my brain that has been there since childhood. (On the plus side my haywire wiring allows me to read a list of 5 questions and "write" my responses in my head while editing a support document and simultaneously running regression testing on new software.) I have no idea if I'm already committed to doing/going something/somewhere at the time the question is asked. Second, unless Lovely Wife knows about it I will not be reminded about it so I will not end up going/doing somewhere/something. Lastly, I've got a Lovely Wife and three kids and I'm a committed hubby/daddy. I'm also whipped.

2. What is your most over used expression?
"Could be worse. Could be raining."

3. If they made a movie of your life, who would you want to play you and who do you think would end up playing you?
Want: Tom Hanks. Get: Martin Short

4. If you could have sex with anyone, ever, who would it be?
All of the above. Oh, sorry, that wasn't multiple choice. Catherine Zeta-Jones is the sexiest woman in the world, IMHO, but from what I've read in interviews and the fact that she married Michael Douglas she appears to be seriously "challenged" in the intellect department. That makes Elizabeth Hurley the champ in my bed. Gorgeous, smart, funny, gorgeous and you just know she's a wild lay.

5. What's the best and worst thing you've done for or to your appearance?
Best is dropping 50 odd pounds of lard that I carried around for waaaay too long. Worst was a mullet. Do not comment on the mullet. I know.

6. What's your best physical trait?
My back. I'm vertically challenged so my wide back & big shoulders have been my saving grace. So long as I'm not standing next to another human I look bigger. Plus, looking like a prototypical Irish brawler has allowed me to be an irritating prick without actually having to get my ass kicked.

UPDATE:

I have been informed by G that being whipped is not the the correct answer for #1. The answer should have been that people believe that I am productive and diligent. This is due to the fact that I work quickly and efficiently and never procrastinate. I do that because I am lazy. Very lazy. Lazy with a capital "L". By doing things quickly and efficiently I get them out of the way so I have more time to do nothing. By not procrastinating I prevent the terror inducing situation where I must work because something is due or (horror of horrors) overdue. Do not mistake my work ethic for a desire to actually work.

I had such a great time pretending there was an audience so interested in me that they were asking actual questions that I am continuing my self delusion with even more (in)frequently asked questions.

Q: How long are you going to do this (i)FAQ thing?

A: Until it bores me. Generally speaking that's how long I do everything including work, driving, sex, taking care of the fish tank, etc.

Q: Why do you use big words?

A: I don't use that many, really, but I have been known to use them on occassion. Here's the thing - The English language is gorgeous. We have the largest selection of words to use in the world because we take words from every other language in existence (and some languages that aren't). We combine words to make new words, morph words into new words, retire and rehabilitate words and generally do everything in our power to make English as difficult for a foreigner to learn as humanly possible. (Just ask Lovely Wife if you don't believe me.)

Let me put it another way. What sounds better?

1) Kate, whom we all adore, has a nearly perfect ass.
2) We adore the callypigian Ms. Kate.

#2 is much a much sexier sentence. Yes, it has a disadvantage because many people don't know what callypigian means but you don't have to be a cunning linguist to figure it out. Plus, look how concise #2 is. I've saved you, my dear reader, 4 entire words with that sentence! Let's try another one.

1) I can almost feel pity for the PLO when Meryl unshrouds their rancorous claims of revanche. But not really.
2) The PLO is a bunch of murderous thugs led by the worlds oldest terrorist and any chance of true peace in the Middle East is contingent upon the total annihilation of this group.

Now this one is a bit harder to choose a winner but that's mostly because they say totally different things. #1 is shorter and has cooler words though so we'll give that one the ribbon.

Q: How's the sex life?

A: Freakin' awesome! It's always been good but marriage year 5 has been exceptional and keeps getting better. Not sure why but if I had to guess it's because:

1) Lovely Wife and I are very much in tune with each other.
2) I dropped a load of fat. Lovin' is much better when you can breath during and after the pump and grind.
3) We're more rested. We finally have consecutive nights with no sleep interruptions due to screaming children.

Q: You're just bragging now, aren't you?

A: Yeah, but it's my blog so I'm allowed to.

Welcome to my (in)Frequently Asked Questions post. How (in)frequently have these questions been asked? Well, I'll just say that your question should have been phrased in the form of my answer and we'll go on from there.

Q: How did you meet Lovely Wife?

A: We met over the internet. She was a German living in Illinois, I was living in Buffalo. I was new to the Internet and playing around with ICQ and other messaging software. She went looking for a random profile to chat someone up and came up with mine. She liked my tag line (If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?) so started up a chat. We became closer gradually, helped each other through a breakup each and eventually realized we really, really wanted to be together. A bit over a year later she was living in The Netherlands (aka: Holland) and she came back here for our first RL visit. She never went back. 5 years later, 3 kids, much happiness.

I have been known to play the lottery occasionally now.

Q: What's your problem with guns?

A: I don't have a problem with guns. I'm actually quite fond of them. I often have a problem with people that have guns. Many of these people use them to shoot other people. I am fully aware that people have killed and will kill other people without guns. Guns just make it very, very easy. Guns also make it easy to accidentally kill people. How many accidental stabbing deaths have there been? The Constitution says we can own guns. I'm fine with that, I just want to put a better screen on what it takes to buy one. If you're an idiot - no gun. If you're a criminal - no gun. If you're a nut - no gun. When in doubt, err on the side of not letting idiots, criminals and nuts have guns.

Q: So would you own a gun yourself?

A: Probably not. There are few reasons to have one: hunting, protection, sport shooting. I don't fit any of those. I haven't hunted in many years. I never have and likely never will simply "go shootin" whether it's targets or clay pigeons. My 22 year old hickory bat is all I want or need for home protection. I guarantee I only need to connect once to take all of the fight out of an intruder. After all, I have the home field advantage. So I have no real reason to get a gun and 3 excellent reasons not to get a gun (Hint: Bear, Bacon and Burger).

Q: Are you some bleeding heart liberal?

A: Nope. Most liberal causes leave me sick to my stomach.

Q: So are you a conservative?

A: Nope. Although the conservative agenda sits much better with my orderly (read: anal retentive) thought processes, as a collective plan it rubs me the wrong way.

Q: Green?

A: Hehe. Hehehe. Hehehaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, Lordy. That's a good one! Tell me another.

Q: So what the heck are you then?

A: No idea. I support the individual policies that I support. Some of them are openly (and unapologetically) contradictory. I'm a big supporter of the armed forces. I believe in gun control. I think that government should get out of just about everything that it is into. I believe that States' rights and powers should come before the Federals'. I'll vote for a candidate that I like and trust before I vote for a candidate that apes my policies. I was happy that Clinton won until he made me regret it. I was sad that Bush won until he made me happy he did. Overall I guess I lean a bit to the right. If you must pigeonhole me then call me a Reformist Antidisestablishmentarian, but not really.

Q: You don't like politicians much, do you? Why not?

A: No, I don't. Two words: Cynthia McKinney. Two more: John Kerry. Okay, two more: Newt Gingrich. These people, and many more like them, were/are elected to public office. High public office. Blatant lies, blatant racism, skullduggery, party politics, nepotism, you name it. All considered part and parcel for the highest leaders in the land. There are some good, honest, hard working and dedicated politicians. They are both overshadowed and tainted by the performances of their compatriots.

Q: How would you fix the problem?

A: Oh, my sad, naive friend. Your question assumes that the problem is fixable. I seriously doubt that it is but let's give it a good old fashioned Yankee try:

1: Abolish political parties. The vast amount of ridiculous crap that goes on in the government is a direct result of the party system. Partisan politics is an albatross around Uncle Sam's neck. Does anybody seriously think that Cynthia McKinney could have been elected/reelected without the support of her party? Does anybody seriously think that anybody in the party supported her? Hell no! They would have supported a tortoise with a lisp to secure that seat in Congress.

2: Start the Finger and Toe Policy. In addition to the current required standards (not that those actually serve any useful purpose) let the people issue a monthly referendum of support for their elected officials. If the official has at least 33% approval then all is well. If they don't they must either vacate office or cut off a finger or toe (their choice). This would correct the problem where politicians ignore their constituents until they need to campaign for reelection.

3: Do not allow idiots, criminals and/or nuts into office. The public has proven conclusively that they do not have the ability to prevent these people from gaining office through the simple act of not voting for said idiots, criminals and/or nuts. To protect the people from themselves, candidates would have to take tests to prove that they are intelligent, not past or probable future jailbirds and are not in any way, shape or form a loony.

Q: Would you really cut off politicians' fingers?

A: And toes. Please go back and reread that paragraph. Thanks.