Updated 16 Feb: Contest results are in.
This is a very special edition of the Cheddar X. It's about SEX!!! Everything you've always wanted to know about my sex life but were (quite intelligently) afraid to ask. Ever wanted the truth behind that cow picture? The story of how I lost my virginity? How many partners I've had? Well you won't find answers to any of those but there's a lot of other titilating stuff.
There's also one answer that is a total and complete lie (and I don't mean the ones I brushed off humorously either). Can you spot it?
1. Who's your daddy?
Mister Peacock.
2. What's your orientation?
Vertical at the moment. I prefer semi or fully horizontal though.
Hahaha. Okay, enough joking around. Obviously I'm not vertical, I'm sitting.
3. What's your favorite sexual position?
Tough question. I can't decide between female superior, missionary (yeah, I'm a traditionalist) and spooning.
4. How do you feel about porn?
I start at the ankles and work my way gently upwards. Oh, you mean emotionally? I can take it or leave it. Erotica's much better. Tasteful nudes kick ass. I've got my own imagination and I don't need things graphically represented in order to be titilated or appreciative.
5. How do you feel about same sex porn?
Lesbo porn yay, gay guy porn nay. Not that I'm more supportive of female than male homosexuals it's just that I like looking at naked women and don't get a thing out of looking at naked guys.
6. About how often do you engage in sexual relations?
That depends on what your definition of "is" is. With a partner or without? In a dream or real life?
Okay, okay! Serious answer: Basically we engage in relations at every opportunity. With 3 kids, family plagues, different sleep schedules and ...er... womanly issues those opportunities don't arise as often as we'd like. We stay physically close through much touching, hugging, kissing, backrubs, tickles and such.
7. How often do you masturbate?
What time is it now? I think I'm late.
8. Do you have toys?
Lots of toys! Lovely Wife bought me a PDA for an anniversary present - that's my favorite toy. I've also got a GameBoy Advance and a whole bunch load of PC games. We bought the kids a GameCube so that's always available. We've got board games too but we don't play them very often.
9. What was your most intense sexual experience?
Some of you may recognize this as I put it in the Writer's Noose story. I needed something totally erotic and crazy and fantastic for when Charles and Becky got back together and I used this little piece of me.
For those of you who don't know the Skylon Tower, it looks a lot like the Space Needle and has external elevator cars with glass sides and tops. The view is fantastic in these things and the ride lasts a good five minutes. There's a restaurant at the top of the tower that spins slowly so you see the entirety of the Falls and the surrounding landscape over the course of your dinner. It's very romantic and very expensive. After a particularly wonderful and romantic dinner my date (my girlfriend of the time, not Lovely Wife) decided to show her appreciation by attacking me in the elevator on the way down. Imagine getting the blow job of your life as you are looking out over Niagara Falls in a glass elevator that's slowly decending to earth, never knowing just when it's going to come to a stop and the doors are going to open. I doubt that this experience will ever leave me.
10. How important is sex to maintaining the bond between you and your partner?
Another one I can't give a straight answer on. And that's not because Lovely Wife reads this blog either, I just don't know how to answer it. Is a sexual relationship important in a healthy relationship? Absolutely yes. How important? I just don't know how to rate it against things like affection, mutual bonds, caring, and the miriad thousands of things that go into a relationship. Rough ranking I'd put it in the top 20%.
11. Have you ever engaged in same sex activities?
Not to the best of my knowledge.
12. Have you ever considered "swinging"?
Is having two chicks at once swinging? No? Then no.
13. What is your earliest sexual memory?
Fellatio from, and autofellatio with the assist of, a babysitter (female variety). I don't remember quite how old I was but it was young enough where the babysitters all sort of melded into one homogeneous figure in my little person memory and a different babysitter got quite a shock when I asked her if she was going to lick my penis.
14. Have you ever paid for sex? (interpret that however you like)
Of course I have. I'm married. (This is going to hurt when I get home.)
Seriously though, I've never paid for sex. The closest I've come is buying shots at $5 a pop at a Tijuana dive so I could suck on the titties of a house hooker.
15. Are you more aroused by visual, auditory or sensate (touch) stimulation?
Touch. Definitely touch. Smell is also a powerful stimulant for me and that really sucks since my sense of smell seems to be retreating at an alarming rate.
16. How long have you gone without sex with another person?
Almost 19 years. Man, I hope that never happens again.
17. How long have you gone without sex period?
13 years. I hope that never happens again too!
18. Do you have to have an emotional connection before having sex with someone? How has that changed as you've grown up?
Sex, probably not. Making love, absolutely. The reason it's a "probably" for sex is that it hasn't come up. I've never been intimate with someone who I wasn't already familiar with and didn't already have affection for. Hmmm...I guess that means "yes" then, doesn't it?
POINTS: Can you guess which of these is a baldfaced lie? Each person may guess once and each one who's correct will get one point. I'll keep it open for guessing until sometime this weekend.
UPDATE. MORE POINTS ADDED: Can you guess which of these is a baldfaced lie? Each person may guess once and there will be one point awarded for each person who participates and those points go to the people who guessed correctly. So if 10 people guess and 2 got it right, those 2 people would each get 5 points. Cool, eh?
Some time this weekend we'll wrap up the contest and give away the points.
Please note: If I'm commenting on the one that's a lie I'm still going to be lying so you won't know that that was the entry that was a lie. Oh what a terrible web we weave...
Don't forget that you can stick your email address in that box in the sidebar under the Snooze Point Leaders and you'll get notified whenever points are available.
UPDATE: Points Contest Results
#13 - True. But don't cry for me, Argentina - I'm not traumatized by it. I was a bit confused until I found out many, many years later what was up with it. My reaction was "Oh, no wonder she wierded out when I said that. Wonder if I could find that first sitter now". Better luck next time MojoMark, tommy, and Clancy.
#16 - True. I was a late bloomer. I was a cunning linguist by 18 but didn't come into my own (so to speak) until 19. Thanks for guessing this one Ilyka!
#4 - True. I am a leg man. My eyes will absolutely be drawn to a shapely turn of leg before any other part of a female body. Yup, even boobs. And a tasteful nude will get my blood flowing whereas much porn just won't entice. Maybe you'll hit the next one Helen.
#11 - True. To the best of my knowledge I've never engaged in same sex activities. I have on occasion been blotto to the point of loss of memory so even the politician's denial I used here is actually appropriate. So sad for Christine and Jeremy.
#1 - True. I really am a Peacock, from a long line of Peacocks. Our clan is actually quite sizeable in the Buffalo, NY area. Mostly thanks to my randy grandparents (who had 7 kids) and my randy aunts and uncles (I've got 20-something first cousins). Good guess Tiffani but didn't work out for you this time.
#14 - True. I've never paid a gal for sex (or a guy, to the best of my knowledge). I've spent money wooing a girl and used dough during seductions but I've never handed a lady cashola in exchange for sex. Sorry Mitzi.
#9 - Lie. This was a total and complete fabrication that i made up for Writer's Noose, just as Mike the Marine thought. It's not even based on anything close to a firsthand experience. I've never been to the Skylon Tower, much less gone up the elevators to the restaurant.
That's 10 contestants and 1 correct answerer. Mike the Marine is the big winner here!
13's a lie. Autofellatio?
#1- ew.
#2, men aren't usually that flexible, even with assistance, and,
#3 what is so shocking about asking a babysitter to lick your penis?
Ah, but remember my youthful state. Kids are very limber. Plus she put sugar on Mr.Happy to encourage my efforts.
I have to vote for autofelatio also. and you beat the .1 mil mark.
you must've been listening to too much Def Leppard back then.
That was many a year before hair bands arrived. To give you frame of reference, I graduated high school in '87.
16. How long have you gone without sex with another person?
Almost 19 years. Man, I hope that never happens again.
That's my vote. I'm betting you "lost it" sooner than that.
The babysitter thing?--Just sick enough to be, potentially, true. I'm going to get my mind off that by contemplating your cow picture some more now.
Or relax with some nice artistic photos! ;-)
I was through basic training and corp school before my cherry got popped. I did have oral sex before then but the first time I dipped my wick was after my 19th birthday.
Just to get the rules straight - if I'm commenting on the one that's a lie I'm going to lie some more. Otherwise y'all would have no problem figuring out which one's the lie, or I'd have to not comment at all and that would be sad.
The lie-you start at the ankles and work your way up on the porn.
Total lie.
Did I win?
OHMIGOD!
According to your site meter, you are at 100,148!
You hit the 100k mark! Who has won?
I'm a genuine leg man so if they're shown, that's where my eyes are going to start from.
Margi's the big winner. She's queen over 4 lesser winners. It's like a belated birthday present!
I think you're trying to pull another fast one on us.
#9 is the lie. You made that shit up for Writer's Noose - don't try to pawn it off on us as the real deal now!
(like I know... I just want points!)
The trick here is guessing not only which one is a lie, but which one of the lies Jim is willing to admit too. :-)
Anyway - if 16 & 17 are true, then 13 must be a lie.
Clancy - Trying logic again? We saw what that bought you in the .1 Million Invitational. hehe
Mike - I wish I had the imagination to make up stuff like that. I'd be writing for Penthouse instead of doing all this boring QA stuff every day.
DAMMIT ALL! I coulda sworn you were fulla crap on that one.
Actually, I'm just really jealous....
I could be full of crap on it. We won't find out until the weekend. ;-)
I think you're lying on #11. "Not to the best of my knowledge?" Come ON! That's the standard response of a politican. I think you know for absolute certain whether or not you have had same sex activities.
Ah, but the politicians use it because it works so well. To the best of my knowledge I've never smoked the bologne pony and my sphincters are all still in virgin condition.
I vote for #1 -
Is Peacock really your or his last name?
Yup, and I have the emotional scars to prove it. A name like that is just begging for teasing and boy did I get it.
To make matters even worse, my family was cruel enough to call me "Jamie" instead of "Jim" so I got loads of crap for that too.
You poor thing...
It's okay [sniff]. I don't even think about it any more [sniff, sniff]. It only brings up bad memories when someone callously reminds me of those terrible, terrible times [sniff]. I'm okay [sniff]. Really, I'm fine [sniff, sniff].
I think 11 you either have or hav'nt "dont know" is just a cop out (see Tony blair "45 min dossier")
#14.....you HAVE paid for it...and I ain't talking $5 titty suck....
WINNA WINNA CHICKEN DINNA!!
ROCK ON!! WOOHOO!!
Dern! If only I had found this blog sooner! I had visited Niagara Falls once and gone to the Skylon Tower. When I was there, there was an emplyee riding the elevator with all the people. So I knew that #9 was the lie. :P