That title doesn't match the post. I'm 45 minutes into a 15 minute conference call to launch an application update into the wild, wild world and that phrase scampered jauntily across the sleep deprived fundament of my mind. Immediately following the effervescent bunny farts thought was another thought that Bunny Farts would make a fantastic name for a rock band and I better share it before I'm once again drawn into this update call in a role beyond my standard verbal nods of "Hmmm", "Yes", and "Uh-huh" and I lose the entire "Bunny Farts" stream of conscience. So here I am, guaranteeing that Bunny Farts is preserved for all of posterity.
That's all I've got. It's 7 minutes to midnight so the synapses are not firing on all cylinders. I had to explain that - as if you didn't figure that out already based on the preceding paragraph.
Oh, wait. I do have something to share. The application update I'm up way past my normal bedtime to shepherd home is none other than PROJECT BLACK WIDOW. The bitch is in Beta with a very large customer on it. The project is essentially wrangled back on track, mostly through brute force. Yay me!
Last note: Do you know why the Easter Bunny hides his eggs?
I was watching Nip/Tuck tonight, and during her seduction of Christian; James says of Islay region scotches; "Some love their complexity and robustness, while others think they are unspeakably foul."
Oddly enough, this rung a bell in my head. And then I knew where I read it; here. There it is, word for word under the heading 'Islay'.
I'm not sure if this makes me a well-read individual with an uncanny memory, or an alcoholic with a reading problem.
Bossman: It's Employee Appreciation Week. Why aren't you off at the picnic being appreciated?
Me: There's just too much ass around here and I'm the only one with a functional boot.
I'm considering applying for a job at AOL.
I'm thinking CEO. Judging by current standards I'm really overqualified, but I figure I could cruise under the radar for a while.
Look at these beauties. 100% guaranteed not to make your ass explode.*
Yes, Victor. That is charcoal. I'm all grown up now.
* Though some of my sauces have been known to make asses burn.
MS Passport required.
Click on the Valuable Information image in the right column.
Test answers are “2” and “True” for all others.
It's not about elegance, fairy tales, and releasing doves. It's about having fun. And that, that's easy baby. If you can't throw a fun wedding, you either invited the wrong people or threw the wrong wedding.
When in doubt, it looks wonderful. You couldn't have imagined anything more perfect. Even if you know nothing about flower arrangements, it's great; and you know what? You're glad to be a part of the decision-making.
Always, always, always remember the exact time of your wedding. Even though, as the groom, you're going to be at the church hours a(fucking)head of time, and there's no possible way in Satan's Holy Hell that you'd miss the wedding; always remember what time it starts. If you forget, you'd be better to call a guest and ask them to read you their invitation than asking the bride. She will mount your head over the fireplace.
Even though I'm not married; I like to wear my wedding ring around the house.
My wife has taken to calling me Dorian Gray. I’m not too goddam happy about it.
Licking nipples is a sexual act. Kissing boobies is simply an appreciation of the female form.
Lovely Wife: You're being so good today! What's up with that?
Bacon: My brain isn't working right.
Something!
* For Tiffani. Let it not be said that I am anything but accomodating.
Wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving.
And remember, the first one to eat him/herself into a stupor wins!
Who was the 142nd fastest gun in the West?
(Remember - no searching online.)
Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
Caution: Despite many similarities in letter use the phrases "gild the lily" and "gird the lion" have little to nothing in common.
As soon as the elevator stops at a floor yell out "Oh my God! The doors are stuck!"
Leap to the doors and wedge your fingers into the crack. Strain like mighty Hercules forcing open the vaulted doors of Gehenna as the elevator doors open. When the doors have opened, step back with a sigh of relief and say "It's safe now."
This works even better when you do it at multiple floors so people see you do it more than once.
Additional: As each person leaves the elevator say "Your welcome" or "Looks like you owe me one".
Fasturbation: (n) A solo quickie.
Just wanted to take this time to Welcome Jim Home from his vacation! We all missed you!! But I think we did a stellar job at keeping your readers entertained. Er...... when's your next vacation? We might need to start getting our material prepared for the next one. LOL
Glad to have you home!
Well, it seems as if no one wants that last point. Heck, I even said you could bribe the judge. Of course, what could you have bribed me with? Besides with the obvious, that is.
Rat pictures would be good.
Joe Don Baker pictures would also be good.
C'mon, people! Use your imagination!
Ah, well. Since no one gives a rat's ass about it, I'll give you the answer to number two: A Day Without a Mexican is the movie with the SoCal dialogue in it, and apparently no one but me has seen it. Not that it was worth seeing. But then again, neither are most of my favorite movies.
But seriously, folks, it's been fun posting on Jim's blog whilst ignoring mine. Next time Jim takes a vacation, I hope I'll be invited back, even if I did post a crappy "Match That Quote" game and possible bored off some of his readers. Sorry, Jim.
Yep, rambling posts that just jump from point to point...that's my style!
Well since today is probably the last day I get to post at Snooze Button Dreams I wanted to write a post expressing just how much this experience has meant to me. Most folks just don’t get a chance to post on a blog as successful as this one. For a week I had the warm fuzzy feeling that what’s his name must get every time he spanks a midget porn star. For a week I had the more power than this hateful shrew and much to my surprise I was able to withstand the urge to blog about a group of angry lesbian midgets.
For a week my fellow Snooze Crew™ Members and I have turned out posts that would make that other group blog jealous. We’ve posted lots of funny, some stuff that was thought provoking and some stuff that was rather disturbing (who’s damned idea was it to post a picture of Jim in Manties anyway?).
It wasn’t just the Snooze Crew™ that made it possible either. It was the loyal readers of Snooze Button Dreams that kept us posting; that and Jim’s threat to withhold spankings for a week if we misbehaved while he was gone. Sure I know what you’re thinking a spanking from another man doesn’t sound right. But you know what, it’s not like we’re gay (even though Jim’s running one of the finest gay blogs on the Interweb), nope, we’re like Romans. And nobody ever called the gladiators homo’s even if they were playing slap and tickle in the locker room.
Sorry I got a little side tracked. Back to the readers, yup you guys really made us feel all warm and fuzzy. Like when I used to climb a rope in gym class, type warm and fuzzy. It’s definitely a feeling I’ll miss, but hey maybe y’all will stop by and visit my little hole in the wall of the blogidoheckiweb every now and then and we can laugh about the good ole times when Jim turned over the keys to his shop to a bunch of wingnuts.
I’m desperately trying to come up with something for the Snooze.
Except- My teeth hurt. I have a crew of trolls with jackhammers pounding away at one tooth and the dentist is busy, probably picking out his Ferrari purchased from funds acquired from my insurance company last time I was there.
Shall we say the quality of his work is a bit suspect, to say the least.
Yesterday I wrote about my favorite cartoons, and I mentioned how I can't hear Wagner without thinking of What's Opera, Doc?
Right now, the classical station is playing The Barber of Seville, and I ain't a-thinking about Figaro and Rosina.
Man, I love me some cartoons, especially Tom & Jerry (pre-1955, please) and Wile E. Coyote. But my very favorite cartoons are two Bugs Bunny cartoons which are probably faves of yours, too: The Rabbit of Seville and my absolute favorite, What's Opera, Doc?
At work, I listen to a classical station, and you know what I've discovered? I can't hear anything by Wagner without thinkig of that cartoon.
Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit!
Okay, I admit that there is a small possibility that it wasn't actually Bernie Mac who wouldn't even give the courtesy of "The Wave" when I let him out of the Arby's parking lot onto the highway. As a co-worker pointed out there's a high probability that Bernie Mac doesn't drive a beat up late model Oldsmobile. Then again if he's getting paid according to the acting ability he's displayed in recent films he just might be. The googly eyes were funny 10 years ago, Bernie. Now go buy yourself a new shtick.
Sure looked like him anyway.
- Towel dispensers placed high on the wall so when you reach up to them the water on your hands runs back down your arms. I've also noticed that the vast majority of paper dispensers are placed out of reach of kids. Don't we want these guys to learn basic hygiene?
- People who don't give you "The Wave" when you let them pull into traffic ahead of you. It's my right of way, buddy. The least you could do is give me a thank-you when I try to be nice and let you in.
- Pencils that are too short to use. Why do they put graphite all the way through them anyway?
- Office chairs with the tilt lever where the up/down lever is supposed to be. Purchasing agents should not be permitted to buy chairs unless they've sat in them.
- Cubicles set up so everybody passing by sees your screen. One of my projects has hush-hush elements and I'm getting paranoid every time I open up a document for it.
- Phones without caller ID. The Do Not Disturb setting works really well but there's no "Except for Boss1 or Boss2" setting.
- Whiny blog posts that are full of nothing except a list of annoyances.
So what's pissing you off today? Sound off in the comments.
3 points to the first person who can correctly identify why this is a shocking drink order. Specifically, why is it shocking that Bond orders a martini this way?
Conferences are business meetings taken to the ultimate level of inefficiency.
Once is luck.
Twice is coincidence.
Three times is a charm.
So what's four times?
Points for the top three answers. Bonus points if anybody gets the real answer, which isn't too likely because I just made this up in my meeting this morning but if you've been following along with the bits I drop about the job it's at least possible to get it.
Q: How can you tell if your roommate is gay?
Awesome blog title: Pith and Vinegar
Adding to the awesomeness, pithandvinegar.com is available.
First one to take it wins, but you have to promise to blogroll me there.
If you sue the Supreme Court, who hears the case?
Next time you're on an elevator, instead of staring up at the floor level indicator, turn around and stare at the back of the elevator. This works better if there are other people on the elevator.
(This does have the inherent problem of you not knowing when you get to your floor but a clever elevatrix can turn that into an adventure in itself.)
"Separate but equal" applies to only two things in this world - earrings and breasts.
Be the first person to name the quotee and win 3 points!
I would comment further but I can't see the screen well through my tears.
(Hat tip to Randall)
Say you've just loaded up the family to go pick up lunch/dinner*. Momma is in her fuzzy slippers, 2 out of 3 kids are in pajamas with only one of them wearing shoes. Dad is wearing the white sweat pants that must never be seen in public.
Would that be indicative of white trashitude or redneckosity?
Not much happening around here today. Morning writing time was taken up with three stories of maddening school atrocities over at Zero Intelligence. Speaking of ZI, it's been getting some serious attention lately. In the last few weeks I've been interviewed by two newspapers, contacted by a scholastic watchdog group and the site will be profiled on an independent law review radio show next week.
Sweet.
There are some leftovers here you can play with, since I've got nothing new at the moment. The caption contest is still open as is the drag queen cat fight. Enjoy!
* Breakfast/lunch is brunch. What is lunch/dinner? Linner? Dunch? Lovely Wife prefers dunch. I'm undecided.
PayPal button is over there on the right. Get cracking!
(I'm practicing my 'command voice'. It seems to be losing effectiveness at home.)
Sorry, not going anywhere with that. It just had to be said.
Blame Margi.
When they get pregnant you can sell the offspring.
I bet epileptics are the freaking kings of masturbation.
Druggies going through DTs might give them a run for the money but they're probably just not as 'into it'.
This is probably going to bother me until I find an epileptic and a druggy and have them compare notes.
There is sickness running rampant in the house. No baking until I've passed the incubation period and know I'm not communicable.
The microphone purchase will need to wait until next paycheck. It comes down to mic or haircut and my hair is touching my ears. This causes obsessive compulsive hair management so must be corrected with extreme prejudice.
Counties are much smaller down here. Atlanta proper is in five of them and there are a good dozen in the Atlanta Metro area. Watch what counties you're house hunting in - some have a much higher property tax system than others.
If your sentence begins with any of the following, please consider whether there is an actual need to relate the information you are about to divulge:
Don't freak out or anything but...
I probably shouldn't say anything but...
Don't get the wrong idea but...
In fact, if the "but..." conditional is anywhere in the opening sentence of your anecdote you may want to rethink the necessity of speaking whatever is on your mind.
And if you should decide that your personal world will stop unless you divulge your mental gem please, please, please verify that there is nobody within earshot who shouldn't, mustn't or doesn't want to hear what you are about to relate.
Especially if that person is me.
And you are talking about bodily functions gone awry.
Thanks,
Jim
It just came to me in a flash. Mars Attacks is just a remake of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. I'm too stunned to comment adequately. It's like a piece of my youth has been used as a mung rag, peed on and then "taken" in the biblical sense.
I go now to cry softly in a corner.
Elevator sign:
"Out of order - Men at work".
I press the button.
The screams, they are horrific.
I guess I'll walk down the stairs.
A "tanka", for those of you unfamiliar with the beast, is a poetic form similar to but older than the haiku. It has five lines of 5,7,5,7 and 7 syllables. Feel free to try some for yourself.
Nope, not back yet. Another Trickle post for your entertainment. See how much I love y'all? It's not everybody who'd go to these lengths to keep y'all amused, you know.
I really hate the after-effects of a good hurl. The pieces of vomit and goopy stomach acid that's stuck in your nose and sinuses. The reward for a stomach purge is two days of smelling puke with the occasional chunk of mucous and partially digested yesterday's dinner that works itself back into your throat or nose.
It's hard to look forward to shootin' the shoes when you know what's coming afterward. Makes me appreciate Mary-Kate's fortitude and commitment to bulimia, it does.
To the fellow in the Mazda this morning: The blinking yellow light means "proceed with caution". It does not mean "yield right of way to side street traffic". And just in case you decided to stop all of the traffic on the main road just to be nice to those folks making a left through their blinking red stop light please let me remind you that you are in Atlanta and during rush hour we are permitted to remove one of your appendages to discourage such displays of weakness.
To the punks using the second floor bathroom: That horizontal handle at the top left of the urinal? Yeah, go ahead and wiggle that sucker after you've taken a piss. We call this "flushing". It makes it much more pleasant for the next fellow plus keeps the urine reek in the bathroom to a minimum. And if you do it while Mr.Happy is still dangling free you'll get a delightful wash of cool air and a free spritzer. Try it, you'll like it.
It was down at the Atlanta Bread Company. I had stopped in for a loaf of soup and some coffee and I ran into him at the coffee bar. We really hit it off. He's quite a talker. A bit of a "let's talk about me" attitude but I guess that's what happens when you're God.
Anyway, we had a pleasant brunch and he even gave me his autograph. It was all swirly and illegible, just like a doctor's signature. I figured 'what the hell' and stopped off at my pharmacist on the way home. They filled a prescription ($10 copay, of course) for it! I took two before bed, just like the bottle said. It turns out that they were laxatives. Powerful laxatives.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Those are the little bumps on the otherwise glass-smooth upper torsos of certain overexercised Olympic athletes.
Dislikes: mean people, clowns
Likes: kittens, long walks on a moonlit beach
Bull.Shit.
Why do women say they like long walks on a moonlit beach when it is so patently false? If even half of the women who swear that they love these long walks actually did like them you would be able to go to any beach in the world at the full moon and see hordes of women wandering aimlessly through the surf. It would look like the invasion of the mutant grunion.
I'm just saying.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and that has "comfortable living" writen all over it.
...isn't the Bush/Cheny '04 bumper sticker redundant?
"Move it back and forth! If all you are doing is sucking on it you aren't doing it right."
(Redemption is in the extended entry. Or at least a defense.)
I demand accolades for my inhuman restraint.
Sign seen as Boston Garden:
All salads may be tossed fresh at your request.
A 'brown trout' really is a fish.
I wonder if there's really a 'stink pickle' too.
Watching a Saturday Night Live movie is _________.
My entry: ...like watching the first hour and a half of a three minute skit.
Updated
My recounting of Strawberry Island got me thinking about islands and a trivia question popped into my head.
What is the largest fresh water, riverbound island in the world?
5 points if you can name it without searching, 2 points if you can find it in a search.
Update: Rob won the points and now I can tell you why this somewhat esoteric trivia bit ended up in my noggin.
Several years ago the officials of Grand Island erected very expensive billboards proclaiming Grand Island to be "The Largest Freshwater Island in the World!". After all, everybody 'knew' this to be true. Well, shortly after this they were informed (in rather embarrassing fashion by a local news channel) that Grand Island was most certainly not the largest freshwater island in the world. That honorable title goes to Manitoulin Island.
The honorable officials were horrified to have been exposed in such a gaff. A cursory search of great islands would have shown that Manitoulin was the largest freshwater one. They now had very expensive signs that were a constant reminder of their lack of fact checking before spending huge sums of money. They decided to have the signs changed (at no small expense) to lay claim to being the largest river island in the world.
It was pointed out to them that this was also not true (and easily verifyable). Bananal was in fact the largest island formed by rivers. Fortunately this was before the signs had been changed.
They then decided to forgo trying to use facts and had the signs changed to say "Grand Island. Greatest Freshwater Island in the World!" in exceptionally tacky 1960's perma-smile Pleasantville style.
It was then pointed out that this choice of words indicates by over-definition that they felt Grand Island was inferior to at least one saltwater island. The signs weren't changed again.
I really had to use the bathroom about a half hour ago.
I wonder what happened...
No, really. I'm serious.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
French Vanilla is really just Marshmallow flavor.
If you put Ann Coulter and Hillary Clinton in the same room, could the resultant energy surge be used to power the Enterprise's warp coil?
The really big chunks rise to the top.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Curbs add texture to driving.
Good news for the home team but this can only be seen as a blow for upstart challengers.
From the list of "Things About Atlanta" sent to me by my Lovely Wife. This one is particularly apropos at the moment:
The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy, which starts at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses - everything - is yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies, you will die. But other than that, it's a great place to live!
No joke. The current level is a nice low 396, thanks to some rain yesterday. Yes, we breath a sigh of relief when the pollen count gets down to only 3 times the extremely high marker. A couple of days ago the pollen count was over 5,000. You probably won't actually die from it but many people wish they would. I have personally seen people fight over an Alavert.
Shouldn't they be called "War Protesters"? They're protesting against war, aren't they? Or are they called peace protesters because they're not in favor of peace at all. Judging by the pictures I've seen of every single one of these protests over the last year and change, I'm going with that as my answer.
I was messing around on the computer last night and never bothered to get up to turn the TV off. As a result I had The Reality Channel Fox hitting me subliminally for a good chunk of the evening. Let me summarize what I got out of it:
1) Persons who have not yet achieved the legal age to run for President of the USA should not, i repeat NOT try to cover Elton John songs.
2) When a show defies description by normal man you can find it aptly and succinctly summarized by Bunsen.
Just in case you were wondering.
If you are a holy man and you need a private army to protect you from other holy men of your own religion do you think that maybe, just maybe, you are not actually following a religion of peace?
Tulips on your organ.
Collect the whole set!
Hey, gals. You know how when you're a passenger in a car and a guy is driving and when he has to stop suddenly or unexpectedly he puts an arm up across your chest so you don't fly forward? Yeah, well that's just to feel you up.
So I got up this morning and what to my wondering eyes should appear? No, not the fat elf. I'm talking snow! Actual frozen water from the sky lay across the landscape like a soft white baby's blanket. A really big-ass soft white baby's blanket. A really big-ass soft white baby's blanket with holes ripped in it from trees and cars and stuff. And the spots where the snow had melted on the street looked like cigarette burns. Now isn't that nice - cigarette burns in a baby's blanket. God can be such a jerk sometimes.
It's just another Jackson exposing their body parts to youngsters.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
My last "Nigerian Scam" email said I had inherited farmland in Zimbabwe.
Most dogs bite, wiener dogs use ordnance.
I have the best sex on buses and subways.
I've got a black belt in tung-fu.
A flame about three feet high.
...when you don't realize that the top button of the shirt is buttoned until after your arms are already starting into the sleeves you may rest assured that you look like a total dork.
What's better in the morning than a hot cuppa coffee and a handful of my wife's bundt? Nuthin, that's what.
It is firm yet yielding to the tongue. By the nibble or the mouthful you just can't beat that moist delicious bundt.
Mmmmmmmmmm...
Or better yet, hurl him from a catapult.
(Credit to Dopple-Claus)
Is it just me or when you see one of those orange Asplundh trucks do the words "Ass Plunge" go through your head?
Or maybe he is a muppet?
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
UPDATE: Link was misformated when originally posted. It's fixed now. Go see the redneck in all his hairy glory.
The Pessimist: Our meeting is cut back to 30 minutes? We'll never cover everything in that time!
The Optimist: Our meeting is cut back to 30 minutes? We'll concentrate on the important things and everything will be fine.
The Realist: Our meeting is cut back to 30 minutes? That means I'm allowed to kick out the teeth of any one of you plebians who starts regurgitating inane drivel that does not concern, and I mean DIRECTLY concern, the actual job oriented requirements and objective of this meeting. We'll be able to cover everything from a regular hour and a half meeting and I won't be subjected to your pathetic life stories and humorless anecdotes on a frikken Monday morning while supressing my urge to scream at and/or throttle any number of you on my way back to my cube where I have actual work to do. Work that is waiting for me in a not-being-completed-while-I'm-in-this-frikken-meeting state. You remember work, right? That shit we're all being paid for? All right! Let's get this bitch of a meeting moving!
(I'm a realist.)
Get into shape for those traumatic post-holiday party battles with the diabolical front door.
(Credit to Dopple-G)
If you don't want to be blackmailed the best thing to do is get the blackmail material out yourself. Here's a picture of me after a shower with only my boxers on.
(Link from Dopple-G)
Funniest war photo ever.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
THIS is what I wanna be listening to.
(One more for Dopple-G)
(This one is Dopple-G's fault too.)
Nope, it's just Steve Balmer being...unique.
Cube safe, unless you've got smello-vision.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Which John Cusack Are You?
(Hat tip to LeeAnn)
Campbells' is donating up to 5 million cans of soup to the hungry. They're already well over a million. One can is donated for each participant in their NFL team popularity poll. All you need to do to increase their donation by a can is go to this site and vote for your favorite team.
That's pretty cool.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
The Microsoft Team, 1978 (photo in extended entry).
Can you tell the difference between a Female and a Shemale?
I got 11 of 16 right. Makes me glad I'm married already. It's dangerous out there!
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
Thanks to the Sexual Recovery Institute you can find out in the safety privacy of your own home. Separate tests for guys and gals.
Phew! I made it just under the wire!
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
(Link credit to Dopple-G)
So, we're under a Severe Frost Warning tonight. Severe frost? Do they mean that it is an unusually serious and ill tempered frost? How does frost get bad enough to be called Severe? Are we going to open the paper tomorrow and read reports of 8 Confirmed Dead as Atlanta Struggles Against Severe Frost? It's frost! Not snow, hail or even freezing rain. Frost! Get over it!
And what classification comes after Severe? You know there has to be one. I mean, given the vagaries of weather there is eventually going to be a frost that makes this Severe Frost look kind and playful by comparison. Would it then be a Catastrophically Rude Frost? Perhaps it will be an Unbearably Frosty Frost? God forbid they call it an X-treme Frost.
It boggles the mind.
What's up with that? I don't know what kind of sticks there are in other necks of the woods but around these parts our sticks are pretty much the same length on either end. I mean, no matter which end you're grabbing, isn't it the same distance to the middle?
Click here to begin download. Give it a minute or so, it's a lot of data.
(Link kudos to Dopple-G)
How in the world does a car like this get built? Did the design team meet and decide that the criteria would be:
- Too small to use as an SUV. No, make that too small to use as a vehicle pretty much period.
- As absolutely dangerous as possible. (Yeah, we can combine a high center of gravity with plastic sidewalls! Yeah, yeah! We'll call them "dent resistant" or something. Sweet!)
- Uglier than an Aztec.
It's like the unholy offspring of a Mini Cooper and a Suzuki Samurai.
Piss on 'em, Helen.
Ladies, you know how when you're out at a popular club and you have to go to the bathroom and you've been waiting in line to get into the damned ladies' room for a half an hour and it hasn't really moved and you've seen about a hundred and fifty guys go in and out of the men's room?
Hahahaha.
Women are better equipped for this than men because their butts stop the backsplash.
And vice versa.
...shouldn't "denude" mean to put clothes on?
