Lovely Wife is off getting shots for the puppy and I'm here fighting off a mild nicotine attack and simultaneously getting a two year old screamer to shut his yap. He seems to enjoy reading over my shoulder, so to speak, so I parked him in his high chair and let him look. We draw a picture together. Well, I did the drawing, he did the artistic management. May I present Snoozebob!
Snoozebob is a youthful character. He's got a full head of hair that might be a white guy afro (like Richard Simmons). He's got freckles. He also has fangs. I'm not sure if he's a vampire or if that's just some wacky birth defect. With such innocent and trusting eyes I just can't see Snoozebob as an evil unlive blood sucker. We'll go with freakish mutant.
Submissions are needed for the Bestofme Symphony. Get 'em in while you can!
Send your submissions to bestofme@jpeacock.net and they'll be in Monday's edition at Ambient Irony.
The only requirements are that you think the post is good and that it be at least 2 months old. And it doesn't even have to be from your own blog! How's that for ease of use?
The basics of the Bestofme Symphony.
We need you to host a Symphony.
Want to get reminder emails?
Thanks to the Welbutrin there wasn't any shaking or unbearable fits. Lots of lung cookies as the ol' breath bags tried to clean themselves out.
I did have some moody periods this morning. Until the mail came. With the awsomest and unexpectedest spirit lifter ever! Helen, you rock my world. Thank you from all the clan. That's a pretty prodigous thank you, you know. Seeing as there are five of us and all. :)
To the winch, wench!
UPDATE: Results in extended entry
Want to know what it's about? See the Shamming/Sharing intro post.
Our third offering. Is this anecdote the truth or am I pulling your leg?
My dad and I have a lot in common. I got my work ethic from him. I got my anal retentive personality from him. Even my job shadows what he did for a career.Until a few years ago my dad did quality assurance for the Air Force. When he started it was called Quality Control then it was Quality Assurance and for the last upteen years it was called Non Destructive Investigation. Whatever they called it, it's what we civilians now call QA.
He did stress tests and other analysis on live birds. That's aircraft in service, y'all, not actual feathered beasties. He had much cooler toys than I do. I have a PC and some nifty software. He had irradiation machines, X-Rays big enough to scan the wings of a C-130 Hercules transport and more tools than you can shake a fist at. He was forcibly retired (high year tenure) a few years ago.
He's not sitting idle though. He kept his side job for the FBI. He isn't a spy or anything. He does the upkeep and maintenance on the surveillance aircraft used by the Buffalo FBI. And I used to help him.
That's right, I worked on airplanes for the FBI. Well, to be precise I worked on FBI airplanes for their contractor and that contractor just happened to be my dad. For many years I would go up to the Niagara Falls Air Force Base with him on the weekends and do odd jobs while he did the important stuff. I washed square acres worth of plane wings over the years (seemed like it anyway). Towards the end of my time in Buffalo I was doing some cool stuff too. Engine checks, firing magnetos, instrument checks, testing the smoke screen generator...lots of cool stuff. Once I even got to fly one of the planes.
It was after the completion of a 100 hours maintenance cycle and the agent (not sure if I'm supposed to say his name so I'll just call him Agent Bob) was there to go over a couple of things that he thought were quirky. We all ended up taking a short flight so he could show Dad what the quirks were. When we were up to altitude Agent Bob gave me the controls. That was very cool. And scary. I don't have a whole lot of specifics in my memory because the majority of my one and only piloting experience was spent staring at the attitude indicator and repeating a mantra of "Holyshitholyshitholyshit" to myself. It might have been better if I'd spent some time with Flight Simulator before then but it was still pretty cool.
Current Shamming/Sharing roster:
1 Correct
jim
Mike the Marine
MojoMark
Sue
Tiffani
0 Correct
Everybody else
I'm not going to rag on Lloyd because he's a homophobe. I'm not going to rag on him because he's opinionated. I'm not even going to rag on him because he's most likely a hypocritical closet fag himself. No, I'm not going to rag on him for any of these things. Instead, I'm going to rag on him because he's a flaming ass. In fact, Lloyd has inspired me to start a new category here at Snooze Button Dreams where I'll showcase such flaming asses.
As long as my faith teaches me what it does, coupled with the fact that homosexual lifestyles threaten the very fabric that has held society together for centuries on this planet...
Homosexual lifestyles threaten the very fabric that has held society together for centuries on this planet? Um, Lloyd (I keep wanting to spell that "Llyod" for some reason), you better sit down for this one. There have in fact been homosexuals on this planet, in society for centuries. I know! I was shocked too! I mean, how in he who must not be named's name has society kept its very fabric together? It's a mystery. Go pray for an answer.
I'm a quitter. A lowsy quitter, granted, but a quitter nonetheless. Kate's a quitter and so is Kelley. I quit for almost a year and a half back 'round '96 and Lovely Wife and I quit together for better than half a year in '01. I've tried quitting solo quite a few times over the past 16 years, never with any real success. Lovely Wife and I have also tried quitting together a few other times, also without success.
This time it's going to work. See, I'm quitting again. Lovely Wife already did and has been nicofree since Monday. In support of her courageous effort I've refrained from smoking around her or even bringing the deadly tempting cancer sticks into our domicile. This weekend will be the first days of my quitting for real since I'd be an absolute idiot if I started up again on Monday after going without for the entire weekend, returning only to this crazy half-smoker state where I get a mini withdrawal each and every day.
So I'm looking for support. Not moral support, financial support. Here's the thing - the absolute best I ever did was that year plus stretch. It was a year plus because I quit with my Dad, Brother-in-law and Brother-in-law's brother-in-law and we had a bet. Anybody who smoked again, even a puff, for the next year had to pay each of the others $25. The thought that my next cigarette was going to cost me $75 was instrumental to fighting down the urges when they hit. (Incidentally, Bro-in-law and I made it. Dad didn't make it and paid us our blood money. Bro-in-law's bro-in-law was a jackass and renegged on the bet.) So I'm going to go back to what worked and inviting y'all to come along.
Gay Marriage Ban Defeated in House
The vote Thursday was 117-50 for the gay marriage ban, but as a constitutional amendment, it needed a two-thirds majority, or 120 votes, to pass.
It goes back up for reconsideration on Monday and reps can change their votes. Lobbyists will be all over the place trying to swing the more wishy-washy representatives.
Seven of the 180 members of the House were present but did not vote, and five others had excused absences. Those 12 lawmakers can be expected to be targets of intense lobbying over the next few days.
It'll probably border on frenetic lobbying with the Christian Coalition of Georgia and Georgia Equality battling it out for the attention of the politicians.
Every Republican in the House except Rep. Jill Chambers of Atlanta voted for the gay marriage ban, along with most white Democrats in rural and South Georgia. "I voted to represent the people that put me office," Chambers said. "[My] district is very diverse."
Good on ya, Jill. Right action, not necessarily the right reason. Anybody remember the right reason? Say it with me: It is not the purpose of a state constitution to single out a minority group for the purposes of exclusionary legislation.
Also, putting your special interest crap in the Code of Law is bad enough. Adding it to the Constitution of Georgia is an abomination.
(Hat tip to Phillip Coons)
This week's Cheddar is going to be weak. It's a nifty concept, I just suck at it. See, we're supposed to do poems for the answers. The extent of my poetry knowledge is the repertoire of Andrew Dice Clay. Well, let's see what we can do.
1. What is your favorite poem or verse? Why?
There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a-blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes, the danger must be growing
'Cause the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing.
That messed up poem that Wonka said
Gave me chills and feelings dread.
When young it made me shake and shiver
Even now it sets me all aquiver.
2. Describe your family.
A Lovely Wife so tall and fair
A rugrat boy that we call Bear
The Burger boy is our third son
And number two we call Bacon
3. What line in a song or poem do people always screw up that drives you nuts?
I must admit,
I am not teasin'
There's no such line
That gets me seethin'
4. Are there poems or songs that you intentionally change the words to?
Yeah there was a special one
Idol's Mony sucked
Billy really should have sung
Y'all get laid get fucked
5. Make up a standard limerick about something funny that happened in the last couple of days.
A beautiful day in Lawrenceville
We took our kite atop the hill
The spool was lost
The kite was tossed
But all was saved by puppies' skill.
(Lovely Wife lost the thread spool and the puppy chased it and held it up long enough for her to grab it again)
6. How about a haiku about your last intense emotional moment?
Quitting smoking now
My blood cries for nicotine
Fury ebbs slowly
7. What's caught your eye in the news lately?
Bush says marriage is for guy and girl.
An amendment for this? I'm gonna hurl.
Kerry keeps talking out both sides of his face.
He'll say anything he thinks will win his race.
The Georgia House's resolution
Makes mockery of our Constitution.
Idiots on global warming last night
This morning Atlanta's covered in white.
Politicians snipe and root like hogs.
Fuck em all, I'll read weblogs.
Bonus: Whoever can figure out what rhymes with orange gets the bonus prize this week!
Whate'er it is you think you hear
With strained and tender youngster's ear
The sound of pogo bouncing high
As playmate comes approaching nigh
To bounce then fall to bounce again
Its springy coil so serves and then
The sound you hear, that "pornge, pornge, pornge"
Still yet not quite doth rhyme with orange
Points?: None this time around. Sorry folks, I almost had an aneurism just writing a half dozen verses. Imagine what might have happened if I had to put devious thought into one! I'll make it up to you later.
No, that wasn't the setup for a joke. An aquaintance needs a very good lawyer in the Augusta and/or Atlanta area. The issue involves a student and a school and said school's policy that improperly forced said student into a youth detention center. Any help/leads would be appreciated.
Is there some contest I haven't been made aware of? Is there a competition between the various State Houses to see which one can pass the greatest number of superfluous and ridiculous laws? If so, Georgia just leapt into the lead with this beauty:
A bill introduced in the Georgia House Wednesday would require twice as many toilets in women's restrooms as in men's rooms.
The measure would apply only to government buildings built after July of this year. But the sponsor hopes it would send a message - women shouldn't have to wait so darn long to use the bathroom.
Tommy "Ain't my nickname cute" Smith is a flaming jack-ass and should be ridden out of the House along with the three female reps who co-sponsored this idiocy. And every fuck nut who voted to pass it, too. Don't these people respect their oath of office at all? Don't they have even the slightest iota of a clue of what laws should be and what laws should do? They are passing a law that will mandate twice as many toilets in female rest rooms as in male restrooms but only for government buildings and only those government buildings built after July of this year.
First, you don't make a law regulating the number of shitters in the ladies room. Second, you don't pass legislation specifically designed to not apply to anything currently and designed to apply to next to nothing in the future. Third, the legal code is not the proper vehicle for you to "send a fucking message".
The law is not a place for Tommy boy's potty jokes and his flippant remarks make it clear that this is what his intent is. Here are shit boy's brilliant rejoinders:
"Anytime you have a toilet or - what are them things called? - urinals, you know, for the men, you should have twice as many for the ladies.""It's not good for the females that they can't go to the bathroom."
"And it's not good for the men because we have to wait on 'em to get out."
"This is serious, a serious problem," he said. "If you talk to any woman, she'll tell you it's a serious problem."
Damn I hate politicians.
(Hat tip to Phillip Coons)
So I got up this morning and what to my wondering eyes should appear? No, not the fat elf. I'm talking snow! Actual frozen water from the sky lay across the landscape like a soft white baby's blanket. A really big-ass soft white baby's blanket. A really big-ass soft white baby's blanket with holes ripped in it from trees and cars and stuff. And the spots where the snow had melted on the street looked like cigarette burns. Now isn't that nice - cigarette burns in a baby's blanket. God can be such a jerk sometimes.
Because they do shit like this.
A 14 year old boy is the victim of statuatory rape. Over a decade later the mother wants him to pay child support for the child that he unwillingly fathered. The court says that he must. You see, it did not matter that she committed a crime by seducing a minor. Child support is about the needs of the child and the circumstances of the impregnation do not matter at all.
So if a woman breaks into a sperm bank, fills up a turkey baster and blasts away, 9 months later she could sue for child support. If a chick has a crush on some fella and slips him some scopolamine, screws the hell out of him in his confused state and drops him off at his house with no memory of the event she can pop up after the kid is born and demand child support.
After all, the circumstances of the impregnation do not matter at all. The biological father is required to support his issue. It's all about the children, y'know.
(Hat tip to Phillip Coons)
I had got a problem that very few people know about. It was a habit that sometimes affected my life. It was soemthing I wasn't emotionally committed to but just couldn't stay away from. It was not an addiction! I am a mature person in total control of myself. I'm no addict. Anal retentives don't get addictions, we get compulsions. Well, maybe you could call it a need but only occasionally. Definitely not an addiction!
It's not like it filled my entire day or something. It was just one in the morning, maybe another at work, one or two at night. Maybe some practice while I was having a cigarette or on the crapper. You know, when I wasn't otherwise engaged anyway. It's just something I used to keep my mind occupied when I was bored. Well, okay, sometimes I got a bit lost when I was doing it and didn't realize that Lovely Wife was talking to me. And maybe once or twice I didn't hear a kid screaming while I was doing it. Does it really matter that I zoned a bit when I was concentrating? Isn't that the mark of a committed mind?
And so what if I did it a lot? I'm good at it so why shouldn't I have? I don't think anybody ever went up to Jordan and said "You know, Mike...you're playing an awful lot of basketball. Maybe you should give that a bit of a break and try something else for a while". Damn straight they didn't.
Natalie Dee is the funniest artist on the web. I mean, with stuff like fun facts, can there be any doubt?
She's got a weblog too.
I just can't get enough of these penguin games. I'm strangely drawn to this one...
668.1 is my best so far.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
You remember the Butt Game, right? That's where you call out "Butt" and something that you can see. Whoever gets the most laughs wins. Well, Bear is getting really good at this. The other day we were playing it in the car and he trumped both Lovely Wife and myself with his butt-isms. Some were so good that I couldn't help but wonder why they aren't part of our regular vocabulary. In the interest of expanding the wonder and grace of the English language I present a sample of Buttcabulary.
Buttramp: Sounds naughty doesn't it? This word could be used with hillarious effect as a synonym for "slide".Buttplate: This is an actual word already but it lends itself to another definition. You know those round plastic sleds that you can't control worth a damn and are designed so you can't sit at the center of gravity so you always end up going down the suicidal hill backwards? Yeah, those are now called buttplates.
Buttbus: "Short bus" has taken on dangerously non-PC tones. We'll call them buttbusses from now on.
Buttpole: Can't really stay away from homosexual references when we're talking about butts, can we?
Buttlight: The doctor uses this during rectal exams.
Buttgrass: This was the winner of our last contest. Isn't this just perfect to describe the muppet like growth that covers some folks backsides or the jungle of hairs pouring out of some butt cracks? Here, let me use it in context for you: "Damn, girl! Mow that buttgrass!"
What Buttcabulary words do you know?
Update: Results in the extended entry.
See the intro for particulars.
Our second entry. Is this anecdote a lie or is it the truth?
One time...at band camp... (Heh. Just kidding.)I was the class comic in school. Not the class clown - I didn't go for making a fool of myself back then. But I was always there with a quip or cutting remark, a joke or anecdote, a one liner or tidbit appropriate to the situation, etc. I was a cut up.
Anyway, I was not quite smart enough to restrict my cuts and comments to just other students and I would frequently be a class distraction as I tossed bon mots around (usually when I was bored with the subject and/or didn't like the class). One time in 11th grade History class (Mr.Balsavage was the teacher) I was being particularly
irritatingcrafty and Mr.B (who was a teacher I liked so I don't know why I was being such a jerk) walked over to me, bent down so we were face to face and said "You are the type of person who shoots from the hip and then leaves." I knew immediately that I hadsteppedpole vaulted over the line. That marked the end of my cutting apart teachers and put quite a damper on my mouth overall. Even to this day I'm far more selective of my targets and will generally put my self up for a joke before I take somebody else down with one.
Current Shamming/Sharing roster:
Sue: 1 correct
Everybody else: nada
Just a note about how I'm writing these. I am thinking up some element of Jimstory and then running a random generator (Excel is my favorite multi-purpose number playground) that tells me if I should write it up as a sham or a share. That way I won't get trapped into that humanistic need to balance out the number of true ones with the number of false ones or have to do a true one after a couple false ones & vice versa.
Okay, I'm sick and twisted. I admit it, fully and freely. But Natalie Dee is much better worse. Case in point: Look Ma! No hands!
A few weeks ago I posted a piece at ZeroIntelligence.net on a Champaign, Illinois coach who was railroaded out of his job due to a run-in with a zero tolerance policy. The story has developed a bit.
After a hue and cry from the populace, Coach Anderson was reinstated with the agreement that he would resign at the end of the season. He coached the 8th grade basketball team to win the state title.
On a more personal note, ZeroIntelligence.net is no longer accessible from computers in the Champaign School District. Their filtering software now says that the site is pornography and bans it. This could be explained in one of two ways. First, their new software is more stringent than their previous version and/or it is badly configured. Second, my site was manually added to their banned sites list.
It could be a total coincidence that my site was available to Champaign students and staff before I posted an article critical of Superintendant Culver and now it isn't. I've requested a review and statement from Dan Casing (Assistant Superintendant of Business Services & Operations for the Champaign School District) and sincerely hope that this is software error and not deliberate censorship.
I first saw something like this over at Ilyka's and now Michele's getting into it too.
What are the first 10 songs that come up if you put (insert your music playing program) on random? Here's mine:
- Metallica - The Shortest Straw
- Heart - Who Will You Run To
- Green Day - Basket Case
- Scorpions - The Zoo
- Dan Fogelberg - Longer
- Beastie Boys - Brass Monkey
- John Cougar Mellencamp - Hurts So Good
- Nirvana - Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle
- Aerosmith - F.I.N.E.
- Sister Hazel - We'll Find It
And number 11 (My playlist goes up to 11)
Commander Cody - Hot Rod Lincoln
And just in case you're interested (and who could blame you?), here's the first 10 from my last non-random playlist (Playlist title is "Crap Code Mix"):
- 10,000 Maniacs - Candy Everybody Wants
- Alien Fashion Show - Detroit Swing City
- Megadeth - Symphony of Destruction
- Sarah McLachlan - VOX
- Bad Company - Fist Full of Blisters
- Metallica - Breadfan
- Brahms-Piano Concerto No.1 (Maestoso)
- Sinead O'Connor - Just Like U Said it Would Be
- Brian Setzer - Gettin' In the Mood
- Concrete Blonde - Bajo la Lune Mexicana
And number 11:
Gipsy Kings - Bamboleo
So, am I odd or just eclectic?
Vatican Weighs Reports for Abuse Rules
Most people have probably forgotten about the huge kerfuffle over Catholic priests putting "The Spirit of the Lord" into their charges in an improper manner. And the coverups by the church and shuffling around of these naughty priests to different parishes that had only one real effect and that was to keep them supplied with fresh targets.
Well the Church has not forgotten about it. In fact, they commissioned several reports from external agencies to analyze the problem and suggest solutions. These don't agree on much except that the policy of the US Church to defrock priests who have sodomized children is wrong.
Yah, that's right. They think that it's wrong to defrock a priest just because they buggered an altar boy. Seems that might send a bad message that the Church thinks said individual can't be rehabilitated. And firing them might just lead to more assaults because the individual isn't under supervision.
Hello? Vatican? Get your heads out of your asses (or your prepubescent toys' asses as the case may be). If a priest fucks a kid that should most definitely be a "Go directly to layman. Do not pass the altar, do not collect ablutions". What parishoner is EVER going to trust a priest who nailed a kid? And why should they? Or are you planning to quietly move the kid fuckers around to other parishes like you were doing before all of this blew up in your faces?
Defrocking the priest says nothing about the person not being capable of rehabilitation. It means they defied the laws of God, Church and Man and have lost any claim to the cloth. It might lead to other assaults? Only if you protect the bastard. The courts take a dim view of adults who screw kids and they are set up to "rehabilitate" these worthless pieces of shit.
When Jesus said turn the other cheek he wasn't talking about our kids' rear ends.
Still having DNS difficulties where snoozebuttondreams.com isn't working for some people (including me at home). For now I've rebuilt the site using a base address of snoozebuttondreams.mu.nu so the site should work correctly for everybody who can actually get here no matter how they got here.
Pixy mentioned that it looks like there's a DNS server out there with a bad cache and it keeps propagating the wrong info. That makes sense as the .com worked for me at home yesterday for a short while and then it cut out again. Very frustrating and not really anything we can do about it.
For the time being I'm just going to chill a bit and play with Grow.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G for the game)
The 12th Bestofme Symphony is up at The Owners Manual and ready for your Monday morning reading pleasure. Gary has quite a performance for you, complete with a guest conductor!
Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note.
Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.
Spread the word: Webloggers, please give Gary a hand by spreading the word a little linky love goes a long way.
Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, drop me a line at this address. It's not a mailing list, just me sending out friendly little reminders. There'll be one on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.
...so is the Cheddar X of our lives.
Similar to last week, one of the answers here is a bald faced lie. Can you spot it?
Update: Answer to the lie is at the bottom of the extended entry.
If you got here through www.snoozebuttondreams.com or snoozebuttondreams.com then all is right in your snoozy world. No problems at all.
If you got here through snoozebuttondreams.mu.nu, go ahead and try to get to www.snoozebuttondreams.com. Did you get there? If so, you're fine too. If it didn't work then your service provider sucks as badly as mine and even though you can get around a bit on the index page the site overall is going to blow for you.
The problem is DNS propagation and how some servers are updated proactively and others are updated days later. The provider at work for me is proactive and everything works fine. My home provider (rot in hell, Charter!) is one of the lazy bastards.
It'll be cleaned up in the next 24 hours or so as even the layabouts are sort of mandated to get their shit together at the 48 hour mark.
Ever get one of those "Everybody from X-place knows" or "If you're going to X-place you should know" email jokes that's been forwarded so many times that the brackets are so deep (>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>) it pushes the content into a single word column on the right? We got one the other day for the hometown and damn if it isn't accurate.
I shall temporarily ignore my Voluntary Southerner status and wax nostalgic as I present the much cleaned up list.
We, the people of Buffalo (and surrounding areas), hold these truths to be self-evident:
Submissions are needed for the Bestofme Symphony. Last week's performance was a fine rally against recent participation dropoff. Thank y'all and let's do it again!
Send your submissions to bestofme@jpeacock.net and they'll be in Monday's edition at The Owner's Manual.
Remember, the only requirements are that you think the post is good and that it be at least 2 months old. Don't have your own blog? Who cares? Send in a favorite post from whatever author you'd like to.
The basics of the Bestofme Symphony.
We need you to host a Symphony.
Want to get reminder emails?
Well it's a gorgeous day here. We're pushing 60 degrees with a very nice breeze so I'm taking the rest of the day off and going to the park to fly kites with the boys.
Cross your fingers and maybe Ilyka will show up to entertain y'all in my absence. ;)
By the way - Munuviana will be moving to its new high powered home this tomorrow evening. The site won't look any different but there won't be any posting or commenting for the duration of the transit. Maybe 4 hours or so.
The Bull has made a terrible error. She has posted a lightbulb joke, thereby opening her comments to every bad lightbulb joke known to man. Or woman. What's your favorite lightbulb joke? Head on over and contribute.
POINTS: 1 point to the first person who can name my source for the title of this post. No searches, please.
URL: 81.9.106.157
Email: Anything fake. Particuarly fond of @mail.com
Name: Hero aka Acanty aka Creno aka Meban (very clever that last one. get it? it's "ban me". hahaha)
Crimes: Accumulated irritation over time. Too many fake IDs.
Big Update / Rules Change: 20 April '04 - Instead of accumulating a scorecard throughout the month (which was nifty but ended up being work) a point will be given to each correct participant when the individual sham/share is closed. They'll also be coming out whenever I think of something apropriate instead of the semi-schedule of one or two a week. It was getting tedius for me and hopefully this will be enough to make it fun again. Other than these changes the rules noted below are still valid.
Update: Results to Shamming/Sharing #1 are in the extended entry.
I had this idea for something that might be cool - I got it from the Sex, Lies and Cheddar X post. Once or twice a week I'm going to post something about me. It might be true or it might be a lie. You guess if I'm shamming or sharing. When the next one is posted I'll give the answer to the previous one (so there will always be at least a couple of days for people to jump in on it). At the end of the month I'll tally up who's got the most correct responses and the best one(s) will get some points. I'm thinking maybe 5 for the top dog, 4 for the second, etc down to 1 point for the fifth finisher. It'll depend on how many people play along. Oh, and Lovely Wife, Dopple-G, others who know me in real life: If you know for a fact that the anecdote is true or false please don't guess. If you don't know, feel free to play along.
Sound interesting? Here's your first one to judge:
I have a scar above my left eye that goes through my eyebrow. I got this in a snowball fight in Buffalo, NY when I was but a lad. My opponent in the snowball fight used a chunk of ice and put a bit of snow around it and this missed blinding me by about a half of an inch. Because my face was frozen I didn't realize I was bleeding profusely at first and I chased him down and beat him thoroughly. I stopped when I saw all of the blood and thought I'd really hurt him. I went home and my Mom went into hysterics when she saw me literally covered in blood. He was bigger than me too, by the way.
Am I shamming or sharing? Lemme know.
You'll hear about this in 3 days everywhere else.
That terrible bathroom policy in that New Jersey school that's being commented on all over the blogosphere? The one nobody except me and the readers of ZeroIntelligence.net new about when it popped up on Monday? The one that is finally getting press today?
Well, it was changed on Tuesday. Everybody is commenting and reporting on a 2 day dead phantom. Boo-ya! I win! (Happy Dance)
The policy limited students' in-class bathroom trips to 15 per month, with another 15 trips for locker visits and other assorted uses. However, the school administration announced a change late in the day Tuesday, and now students will be permitted to leave class 30 times per month for any reason.
Take THAT Opinion Journal!
If Mr.Taranto should happen to read this post I would just like to explain that by "Take THAT Opinion Journal!" I really mean that I love your work and read it every day and one day I aspire to such greatness.
(Guest-posted by the girl who drank too much coffee today.)
I don't like Bill Maher, frankly; I didn't like him very much before September 11 and I liked him less afterwards, and the final straw was when he was quite rude to an interviewer from my favorite animal charity (hint: it's not PETA?), despite being on record as a supporter of animal rights.
That said, my brother sent me a link to this piece, which pretty much nails my position on the whole gay marriage thing. My favorite bit:
Republicans are always saying we should privatize things, like schools, prison, Social Security -- OK, so how about we privatize privacy? If the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what's their alternative? They can't all marry Liza Minnelli.Which reminds me, I've been meaning to vent this for some time now . . . in a comment at S-Train's blog, in response to a post in which he gave his support for gay marriage, I wrote the following:
[From S-Train's post] And this shouldn't be a liberal or consevative issue. It should be a human issue.This earned me a little chastisement from my very favoritest of all my favorite people, whom I won't link here simply because if I'm going to go toe-to-toe with him, it's going to be on my own blog, and not Jim's. But the enterprising researcher will be able to figure it out. The remark was:Sure, make it sound all simple and logical like that! Huh! Where's the partisan hatemongering? Where's the team of legal experts debating constitutionality? Where are all the hand-wringers moaning about what this might mean for the future of Western civilization?
Oh, right: You don't do all that.
Which is why I love this blog.
Ilyka: Umph. Calling people "hatemongers" for disagreeing and/or having concerns is a bit counteproductive in my experience. Just makes them dig their heels in harder.And that's about when I had my wakeup call: For my own sanity, I have to stop pretending that there's a single blessed thing I can do to make the people I honestly would describe as "hatemongers" dig their heels in any less; or, as the quote atop Zeyad's blog says, "It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of what he was never reasoned into."
Those I consider hatemongers have had the gloves off for a long time. Why'm I still wearin' my pair?
So long, social conservatives, and thanks for all the fish.
I've read your arguments. I've listened to your concerns. And I've noticed something: When you need, I mean really really NEED, the socially liberal folks on your side--when elections are close and winning isn't everything, it's the only thing--you have "concerns" that you're just "airing" in the "interest" and "spirit" of "liberal debate."
But when you think you have us by the short hairs, you move to make your concerns amendments.
Don't fuck me like that, darlings. More importantly, quit fucking yourselves--because that's what you're about to do. You're about to hand the country to a Democrat president because you can't keep from sticking your noses into what is essentially other people's business.
Here's all Bush had to do to win in a landslide: nothing. That's right, nothing. No Constitutional amendments. No statements on the issue whatsoever. If someone asked, all he had to do was state that he trusts the courts to uphold the Constitution, as indeed justices are sworn to do, and that now is not the time to focus on divisive domestic issues because, you know, there's a war on.
Yes, National Review would have shed bitter tears of "disappointment" that their "concerns" were not being "seriously addressed" by the "leader of the free world." (Look, Ma, I got sneer quotes!) But the middle, amigos--the middle that you need, whether you have the courage to admit it or not--the middle would have been sewn up tight. How tight? This tight.
Of course, it has been suggested in some quarters that the middle is already in pocket. To that, I have only this response:
Think about it.
(With thanks to Michele of A Small Victory for reminding me that I do not have this whole thing out of my system yet. Not even close.)
Disjointed and caffeinated thoughts that most certainly do not come from your regular host, Mr. Jim Peacock, so throw the tomatoes at me, not him. 'Course, you'll have to wait until the site's back up, which is what I'm doing right now. The other thing I'm doing right now is taking advantage of Jim's kindness in giving me a guest login. I'm a real super-good taker-advantager. I'm knacky with the grammar, too, if you couldn't tell.
Anyway, Jim didn't write the following, I did, and you'll be able to tell right away because Jim, unlike myself, is normally coherent.
Seems like everybody in the blogosphere is commenting on the school bathroom regulation story today. I did this story three days ago at ZeroIntelligence.net.
[sigh]
By the way, if you're interested in items like this one, there's at least one a day over at ZeroIntelligence.net.
I haven't really written about this issue for a couple of reasons. First, unless I somehow catch homosexuality from one of my gay friends it isn't likely to ever be an issue for me. Second, it's one of those issues where nothing that anybody says is really going to change anybody's mind one way or another. People have decided their position either emotionally or logically. There's nothing changing in the debate to affect a logical decision and you aren't going to change somebody's emotions via your arguments.
So why am I piping up now? Because I've heard "to preserve the sanctity of marriage" one time too many. Every time I've heard this particular argument I've cringed a little bit at the hypocrisy of the statement. I've run out of cringe room. (Plus the retort finally came to me earlier today at Trey's place.)
The people who are arguing for amendments defining marriage as being a union between one man and one woman do not care one whit about the sanctity of marriage. The people fighting for laws defining marriage as being a union between one man and one woman do not give a damn about the sanctity of marriage. The people who are fighting against any and all legislation that would make homosexual marriage legal couldn't give two shits for the sanctity of marriage.
Want to know how I know this? It's because if they actually gave even the slightest weight to preserving the sanctity of marriage they would be fighting for amendments, laws and legislation to bolster marriage instead of this hypocritical hogwash they are involved in.
Want to preserve the sanctity of marriage? It's easy. Make that "til death do us part" portion for real. Make the marriage contract an actual contract. Make marriage a rare and precious thing instead of the "discard after use" recyclable it has become.
Imagine if marriage was permanent. First off there would be a hell of a lot less of them. People wouldn't be getting married for idiotic reasons any more. Britney would have stayed single. Rock stars and celebrities wouldn't count their spouses with sillhouettes on their car doors. People would be forced to actually deal with their partner and make things work. No quick outs.
So if you care about the sanctity of marriage stop putting your efforts into keeping people apart and start putting it where it should be: keeping marriages together.
I think Bull just qualified for Snooze Button Dreams guestblogger in the unlikely event that I ever get a vacation.
My belly hurts. No drinking while you click that link.
So Snooze Button Dreams is getting simpler. Yay!
How's it getting simpler, you ask? Well, the recent redesign (and follow up tweaks) have removed some stuff that wasn't necessary. Specifically, the comment and trackback pop-ups are gone. When you hit the comments link it opens the individual post archive page at the point where the comments start. Same thing with the trackback link. Those pop-ups were extra pages that had to be rebuilt whenever a comment was left (or a trackback, as the case may be). They weren't needed since that info is already on the individual archive page anyway.
Cool, eh? Can we make this an industry standard?
The Snooze Point Leaders have also been tightened up. The top 10 are always displayed. Other point holders are there in a collapsed list. Don't worry, all of the links still count for Ecosystem stuff.
Special thanks to Harvey for finding a problem with the way we had trackbacks working. Harvey gets a Snooze Point!
Points: 4 points to the first person to name the movie that this post's title came from. The points are higher for this one (it's usually 2 points) because it's a lousy movie that nobody probably saw. No searching, please. After 24 hours this will drop to 1 point and you'll be allowed to search for it.
If you'd like to be notified whenever a post goes up with points available, just put your email address in that box in the Snooze Points section of the sidebar and click on that little submit button.
Is there anything sexier than a babe and a wet t-shirt?
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Apologize profusely and wipe it off.
Do you have a Goody Box at work? It's a cardboard display with all sorts of chips, cookies, microwave popcorn, cup-a-soup, etc, that's brought in and stocked by some local vending company. It's the stuff you'd find in a classic vending machine except it's just in this open cardboard thing with a cardboard box with a slit where you put your money (All items 75 cents!). There's one sitting by the printers on the other side of the building and another in the break room slash kitchen. They work on the honor system. You want a Snickers bar, you're supposed to put in your 3 quarters.
My problem is that I don't have any money. I don't mean I'm destitute, y'all. I mean I don't carry cash. Like ever. Except for vending machines (or vending cardboard boxes) the old debit card works for just about anything. So what do I do when I'm pouring my coffee and I look over and see those Lorna Doone cookies staring at me? What could possibly complete a morning cup of coffee like shortbread cookies? Do I just take a pack of cookies? That's stealing, even if it is from a faceless corporation. The guilt would just crush me if I did that (I am a recovering Catholic after all). No, what I've had to do every day for the past several months was wipe that single tear from my eye, pass by the coveted Lorna Doones and retire to my desk to attempt to enjoy a suddenly tasteless cup of coffee.
That's what I had to do until recently anyway. You see, we got a new vending box last month. It looks the same as the old one - cardboard half box with the cardboard safe that has a slit on top for money deposit and prepacked snack delights filling up the display portion - except for one small detail. This one has a little Master Card/Visa sticker on the pay box. Hallelujiah and saints be praised! I just swipe my debit card in and out of that cardboard slot, take the beloved Lorna Doone cookies and enjoy them with a clear conscience. I was a bit concerned at first because there was no slip to sign but then I remembered that signatures aren't required for purchases under $50.
It's odd that none of my purchases showed up on my last bank statement. They must process all of the transactions in a batch and they just haven't hit mine yet. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Mad Cow Disease? Pshaw! Meat's good for what ails you. Now veggies - those things will kill you. Why there are two rampant viruses in onions alone!
Alex Csinos, a plant pathologist at the university's Coastal Plain Experiment Station [said] "How extensive it is, we don't know. How debilitating it will be, that also is unknown."
I say Hah and Hah again!
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
I've never been a flosser. It could be because I come from a family of non-flossers or maybe it's because my teeth are fairly tight and when I tried flossing way back when it was too uncomfortable. Maybe the seeping blood from your gums if you misjudge and hit them with the razor wire floss just turned me off. Whatever the reason I've just never been one to floss. I made up for it by being a militant tooth brusher. Once as soon as I wake up, once before leaving for work, once when getting home from work, once before bed. I used to also brush at work after lunch. I'll still add another brushing in there as needed if my mouth feels nasty.
Bear and Bacon recently had dental hygienists into their school to teach the kids how important tooth care was and to give the basics on brushing and flossing. Now anybody with kids will know what that means. They learned something in school that we didn't do at home. This became the absolute most important thing in the world to them. If they didn't floss then all of their teeth were going to fall out! They'd be overrun by plaque! Their breath would stink so bad that they could conceivably kill the birds with the poisonous gasses issuing from their orifices. (Personally I think that this was a bit over the top. If the birds could live through years of babies with crap pants I doubt they'd kick the bucket from nasty breath. Anyway...)
So Lovely Wife found these neat pre-loaded floss doohickeys. No fumbling around with the wax string and shoving fingers into mouths. Oh, no. Not with these sexy dental beauties. They are slick, easy to use and very efficient. So I tried 'em out.
My teeth are still very tight and it was hard to work the string on down between them. I still misjudged a couple times and was rewarded with crimson spit as my gums protested being sliced by the razor wire floss. And my efforts were rewarded as I dislodged some unidentifiable thing that smelled vaguely like raw sewage. I gagged. Seriously. I fought down the urge to puke. I then realized that I had just found evidence that there was something rotting inside my mouth. I fought down the urge to puke again.
I am now a militant flosser in addition to being a militant brusher.
This man called 'Brian'
The man they called 'Brian'
This man called 'Brian'!
Apologies for the Monty Python moment.
The Bonfire of the Vanities is burning brightly at Kin's Kouch. Not sure how I got renamed but we'll go with it. Brian's my brother's name and it's a fitting tribute to attach it to a Bonfire entry.
Incidentally, Kin rates my entry as perfect for the Bonfire.
Highlights: None
Gore: none Bad Special Effects: nada Sex: nope Horrid Acting: not here
That's right. Absolutely nothing of value. Bonfire perfection.
I do so totally rock.
He's got the switcherbar in place!
Yes my beloved fans, Rob has got the style switcher working and you can now select from three (count them - three!) fantastic styles (also designed by Rob). Just use that dropdown box at the top of the sidebar to pick your preferred look.
One more will be coming - that fun-lovin' style worked up by The Bartender.
Comments on the styles are very welcome. Which is going to be your Snooze? Let me know. And let Rob know how much ass he kicks, too.
And in case you didn't notice yet, he's also put in the "view comments in the post" doohicky and the "show trackbacks in the post" whatchamacallit. I know the terms are technical so please try to stay with me here.
Hey Rob? You rock!
Points: 2 points to the first person to source the inspiration for this post title. No searches please.
If you'd like to get an email notification when posts with points get posted just put your email address in that box in the sidebar (the one in the "Snooze Points" section). That'll give you a chance against the hordes who just hover on my site hitting refresh all day in order to be the first ones with a chance to guess.
I was cleaning up some old emails this morning when I ran across a gem of a conversation between Ilyka and myself. It was from the time when she was hosting the Bestofme Symphony and suffering the deluge of spam that goes with temporary stewardship of the public submission address. As this email was right next to one from Nguzo Makagbo I took it as a sign that this must be shared with the world at large.
Ilyka: I've received one other submission, so the forward's working okay.Oh, and spam. Definitely have received some spam. Want to go into business with a Ghana national who only needs your bank account # in which to transfer the secret-secret proceeds from his father's failed kingdom?
Jim: Sorry about the spam. One of the drawbacks of a publicly posted email address. At least you can be comforted that the spam stream will be flooding someone else next week.
PS - Never reply to the emails from Ghana, they're all a bunch of thugs and liars. The Nigerian classic is the way to go.
Ilyka: I don't know why you have to be hatin' on Ghana like that. They didn't invent the spam; they just perfected it! And Mr. Nagodobo assured me that he is a well-bred gentleman of royal descent. He gave me his WORD.
Jim: Mr. Nagodobo? I don't know if I'd trust him. I had a message from Doctor Ndroge's widow and she told me all about how her good husband the doctor had loyally served the insurgent government while acquiring a fortune of several million US dollars only to be slain in a royalist uprising. She had to be telling the truth BECAUSE IT WAS ALL CAPITALIZED. The poor thing needs my help badly as both the good doctor's former employers as well as the royalists want her inheritance.
Beware Nagodobo. He's probably just using you to find Ndroge's hidden funds.
Ilyka: Oh--you know I can't top "She had to be telling the truth BECAUSE IT WAS ALL CAPITALIZED." I'm out.
Jim: Sorry I had to GO CAPS on you, but you know what they say - a weapon unused is a useless weapon.
The morals of the story? Stick to the Nigerian scam - the original and still world leader in online scams.
And don't mess around with Jim. ;)
Because it has the Bold hint of guacamole! The bold hint of guacamole? Yes, that's right. The commercial talks about the bold hint of guacamole.
Let's get a couple things straight. First, there is no such thing as a bold hint, okay? It's an oxymoron like "government efficiency", "PETA cares" or "French courage". Either it's bold or it's a hint but never the twain shall meet. Secondly, guacamole cannot be bold. It's a squashed avacado. Avacados are nature's milquetoasts. Finding bold guacamole is about as possible as finding a rational fundamentalist.
Doesn't matter much, really as all of 'em end up up-ended in The Hunting of the Snark
Ever wonder what's in a Rorschach test? Here's your chance to find out without shelling out the cash to pay for some psychiatrist's second yacht.
My answers are apparently very high ranking intellectually, quite low emotionally. See? I told you I was a rational adult!
Freud reading the results at the end is a nice touch too.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Do you know how when you and your partner are both really tired on a Saturday afternoon and she's lying on the bed relaxing while you (for some unknown reason that even you can't explain except that it has something to do with your severe anal retentive nature) are checking your work email on your own time and then you finish up and shut down the computer and you lie down in the bed with her and just snuggle for a while until that certain spark starts up (most likely because she suddenly says "I am so horny right now") and you start fondling her but then you hear the kids coming down the hall so you distract them by telling them they can go to town on their entire box of Valentine's day candy and to stay in the front room and you and Mommy will be out in a little bit and then the two of you get under the covers giggling a bit because you're oh-so-naughty having a quickie in the middle of the day when the kids are up but not giggling too much because you're both so horny now that you can only really think of one thing and then you're rocking away in the spoon position and having a grand old time and then you hear your oldest child (the four year old) pipe up from the foot of the bed "Hey! Stop messing around!" and gives you a huge panic because even though you're under the covers you just got caught and you have that panic like you did when you were messing around in your parents' house way back when so you yell "Get in the living room now!" and when the confused lad runs out of the bedroom your Lovely Wife starts laughing and you can't help but laugh too in a mixture of relief and humor at the absurdity of the situation?
Me neither.
Updated 16 Feb: Contest results are in.
This is a very special edition of the Cheddar X. It's about SEX!!! Everything you've always wanted to know about my sex life but were (quite intelligently) afraid to ask. Ever wanted the truth behind that cow picture? The story of how I lost my virginity? How many partners I've had? Well you won't find answers to any of those but there's a lot of other titilating stuff.
There's also one answer that is a total and complete lie (and I don't mean the ones I brushed off humorously either). Can you spot it?
The 11th Bestofme Symphony is up at Yap Away Jay and ready to pleasure your Monday morning. Enjoy an ecclectic collection of the best in the blogosphere.
Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note.
Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.
Spread the word: Webloggers, please give Dan a hand by spreading the word. The Symphony is a bit 'lean' this week so we could definitely use a bit of help here.
Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, drop me a line at this address. It's not a mailing list, just me sending out friendly little reminders. There'll be one on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.
Submissions are needed for the Bestofme Symphony. It's crunch time, y'all. Jay has only received a short handful of entries for the Feb 16 performance. Is the Symphony failing? It's all up to you.
Send your submissions to bestofme@jpeacock.net and they'll be in Monday's edition.
Remember, the only requirements are that you think the post is good and that it be at least 2 months old. Don't have your own blog? Who cares? Send in a favorite post from whatever author you'd like to.
Those of you who read yesterday's post on my hosting problems may have noted that we were taking the boys to the dentist. I took off a half day of work for it. I invested 4 hours of my precious time off to take my kids to the dentist. I figured that three kids, all at the same time, all of them dental virgins...there's going to be some seriously good material here! Who wouldn't take off from work to gather amazing writing fodder like what was guaranteed to be generated in a situation like that?
I was so freaking robbed. The kids behaved the entire time. The staff was great. The place was great. No screaming. No tantrums. No whining. No. Freaking. Anything. No material whatsoever.
Well, I could maybe bitch a bit about the mounds of paperwork but that'll just make me a whiner. I mean you've got two ways to go with paperwork bitching: tragic and humorous. Tragic doesn't work here because every one of you have done idiotic paperwork so you're not going to feel a bit of sympathy for me. Humorous doesn't work either - what's funny about a pile of tedious paperwork? That's like trying to make being smothered by a pillow into a funny anecdote. Just doesn't work.
So I've got nuthin' for you. I had planned on having some fantastic humorous or touching material for y'all to read today but we were stiffed. Despite sacrificing an entire half of a work day to the cause we've got a net zero. Why did my kids have to pick this of all days to behave? Why, God? Why?
I swear, next time I'll amp them up on coffee and candy bars before we take them in. I won't let you down again.
PETA, through one of its sham front organizations, is getting the message out to just say NO to mad cow beef. PETA wants us to avoid eating beef, totally concerned over our health and the dangers of mad cow disease, right? But we really, really, really like to eat meat. Is this an impasse?
Heck no! I'm always trying to help folks out and I think I have the perfect solution here. Any time you were going to eat beef, substitute veal instead. See, it takes quite a few years for mad cow disease to manifest to a communicable state. If we kill the cows when they're babies we'll be safe, just like PETA wants!
Just say NO to those 100% USDA all beef burgers. Go for veal burgers instead! Meatloaf is a no-no. Cook up some wholesome and satisfying vealloaf! Beefsteak, no. Vealsteak, yeah!
There are some great side benefits to removing beef from our lives and going for veal instead. All those cows don't have to spend agonizing years in miserable captivity (PETA's very sad about this). They'll only spend a fraction of the time that they are now since they'll be slaughtered for veal while quite young. With the demand for beef going down and the demand for veal going up the price of beef will rise (this will make PETA happy) and the price for veal will decline (this will make us safety concious diners happy).
Everybody wins if we switch from beef to veal. We're safe from the dangers of mad cow disease and PETA doesn't have all of those grown cows to fret over! Support the cause, eat a vealburger today!
(Hat tip to Michele)
And he's rearing to bean some penguins. This target game is a bit more complicated than the distance swing one but just as enjoyable. Plus the penguin victims stick around wiggling their little feet as you continue playing. My first game was a best hit of 85.5 and total of 521.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Okay, so if anybody emailed me anything this morning or tried to do a Symphony submission or tried to go to ZeroIntelligence.net they discovered that 1and1.com has locked down my email addresses and websites. Seems the fuckers can't figure out how to bill a credit card without also crediting the credit card so my account balance can't seem to go down to zero where it should be. Contacting them is very close to impossible but I'm trying my best. Of course today also happens to be the morning that we're taking the three monsters to the dentist so my efforts are more limited than I'd prefer.
In the meantime you can email me here with anything, including Symphony submissions, and I'll make sure it gets to where it should be going.
Remember that old axim "You get what you pay for"? Yeah, they weren't shittin' about that.
UPDATE: All is better now (for now?). Seems they had a glitch that has been fixed and they've unlocked my account. But according to the bank they've yet to administer a correct charge so I'm going to await further developments with baited breath.
UPDATE2: And they're gone again. Supposedly it'll all be fixed at 5:00pm. I think that coincides with their office closing time. Convenient, eh?
UPDATE3: And we're back up again. I feel like a yo-yo. I'll grudgingly give 1and1.com one prop here - it was fixed when they said it would be fixed.
I've passed my 100,000th site visit. 100,000 visits in a little over half a year. Wow.
The odometer was tripped on Feb 11 at a bit past 5:00pm (EST) which means the big winner of the .1 Million Invitational is Margi! Nobody nailed the date but her guess of Feb 10 (which was also her birthday) was the closest.
Due to a rogue nipple throwing off projections very few people guessed I would hit 100,000 this soon. That's what you get for not respecting chaos theory. A bit of double exponential smoothing would have taken care of that boobage with no problem. Margi didn't fall into that trap, though. She had faith that I was a hit machine and would get the tenth of a mil mark on the early side and she's walking away with 6 Snooze Points as a reward. Way to go Margi, you rock!
Joining Margi on the winner's podium are 2nd place contestants Pylorns and JimiLove who were the next closest guessers under and over Margi. They each win 3 points. 3rd place finishers AlGore and Pixy Misa receive 1 point each. Pixy's guess was the very latest date guessed and the earth is round so it sorta made him the very earliest guess too so I gave him the point as nobody guessed earlier than Pylorns.
Hey, Rob, oh great and terrible guru of skins and designs! Can I muss about in my template? I need to give out some points.
My email address is out there in public and it's been taken and used by spambots like Ned Beatty was used in Deliverance. I get around seventy or eighty spam emails a day. Now this was something that I knew was going to happen so don't cry for me. It's actually not such a problem for me since I'm using a kick ass spam filter and I have it cranked up to eleven.
SpamBayes separates out all of the obvious crap into one folder and all of the questionable crap into another. I actually take the time to peruse the sender and subject of the items in the questionable category. Two reasons for that: first, they're questionable; second, that's how I train my vicious spam attack program. If I recognize the sender or the subject line appears suitably non-spammish I'll actually open the email and take a look. Of the 70 or 80 spam mails a day only a handful will be in the questionable folder. I'll take a cursory glance at the obvious crap too, but it's really not with any intent to rescue emails. I'm just scanning for unusually humorous subject lines at that point.
The other night things got a bit frisky at home and Lovely Wife and I got a bit happy with the old digital camera. Hey, it's a free country, it was the privacy of our own home and the kids were all asleep. While reviewing the resulting incriminating evidence it became apparent that we had a difference of opinion. I thought that they were very beautiful and considered them artistic photos. Lovely Wife thought they were basically porn and that I better not even think of posting them.
Since I'm naturally contrary and I've got a good 8 hours or so before she can physically harm me I've decided to post a select couple of pics. I'm not trying to showcase the Peacock Family nudity here, I'm genuinely interested in whether you think these are artistic or pornographic.
If a female spreads her legs is it automatically porn? View image
If it's tastefully done can a penis be artistic? View image
Let me know what you think.
Carnival of the Vanities #73 is up at On The Third Hand. MommaBear has worked it up into a literary theme but don't let that make you think it's boring - the first book is Sex and the Single Girl.
POINTS: 2 points to the first person to name my source for this title. No searches, y'all.
Happy Crappy Post Day!!*
In celebration of Crappy Post Day I give you Trey Givens on the Nefarious Ways of El Qaeda**. It's humor - we try to avoid serious stuff on Crappy Post Day.
* Crappy Post Day is when I don't have the time to write up any sort of decent post on my own so the only amusement you'll find here are the occasional gem I've found elsewhere or perhaps some cheesy jokes.
** Remember that the posts I refer you to are not the Crappy ones, those are on this site that you are currently viewing. Trey's post is one of those 'occasional gems' noted in the first note.
Bull from Irritable Blog Syndrome gives the straight twisted dope on blogging anonymously. Plus she says things like "shut your cock holsters". You just can't beat that.
A lamb!
Which begs the question, what do you stuff a lamb with? Chickens, obviously.
Does the recipe for stuffed camel put you in mind of The old lady who swallowed a fly?
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise.
He was greeted by George Washington, who gut punched him and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin. Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans.
As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared. Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
If you'd like to get your own hossensnarker ingredients head on over to the Hunting of the Snark. And don't worry about ruining your diet. They're low carb, low fat and even fit a vegan diet.
Finally, a political "where are you" test that makes it all clear. I'm a liberal conservative libertarian!
This test is a humorous take on the caricatures of the parties and will help you determine if you are an Archconservative, Leftwing Wacko, Antigovernment Libertine or Commie Sympathizer.
My favorite question:
The best things in life...CONS: have a substantial membership fee.
LIBL: need price controls.
LBRT: are subject to the whims of supply and demand.
COMM: have a substantial waiting list.
The 10th Bestofme Symphony is up at Dan K.O'Leary dot com and ready for your Monday obeissance. Pour a cup of coffee and sit back with the best of the blogosphere.
Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note.
Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.
Spread the word: Webloggers, please give Dan a hand by spreading the word. The Symphony is a bit 'lean' this week so we could definitely use a bit of help here.
Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, drop me a line at this address. It's not a mailing list, just me sending out friendly little reminders. There'll be one on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.
The more you eat, the more you fart.
The more you fart, the better you feel.
So eat cheese with every meal.
It's Friday, so bring out The Cheddar X!
It's been a while since I expressed my appreciation to the homosexual men in the world. Not you bi fellas! Y'all are icky. But gay men? Damn, do we straights owe you guys.
I don't understand why some hetero guys are gay haters. Don't you guys get it? You owe the gay guys a round of thanks too! I see you're confused so I'll take it a step backwards and start with an anecdote.
Iv, our next door neighbor's son, is gay. He's also a smoking hot specimen of male boditude with the sweetest personality you could imagine. He makes Lovely Wife and all of her lady friends weak in the knees. Unappologetically. They brag about it. Hell, if I ever decide to switch teams I am going to be so all over him it'll be pathetic.
Submissions for the Bestofme Symphony, that is. Get your minds out of the gutter - y'all are naughty.
Send your submissions to bestofme@jpeacock.net and they'll be in the Feb 09 edition at Pragmatic Conservatism.
Remember, the only requirements are that you think the post is good and that it be at least 2 months old. Don't have your own blog? Borrow somebody elses. Just send in a post from one of your favorites.
The Letter of the Day is "A".
"A" is for Absent. While the serpent's away, the mice will play. Like I just did when I posted the Letter of the Day over at Electric Venom.
(That mean's I'm a guest poster over at Kate's place.)
(This post almost came out as a rhyme. You can thank me later for my restraint.)
So that full bladder feeling starts up. You know the one - it says "It's about time to head on over to the can. We're approaching terminal capacity here." So I do what any normal male would. I ignore it for a while. Let that sucker build up a bit. You know - get the fire hose up to pressure. I'm at work, see? Work has many benefits including health care, salary, job satisfaction...and urinals.
Yes, urinals. Urinals are a gentleman's playground. At home we have the shitter sitter. That classic low slung all purpose throne. It works great for the ladies and even guys would be lost without it but it has drawbacks. For a crap it's got everything you could want. For a piss it is less than satisfactory. You have two basic choices - sit or stand. If you sit for a pee you are automatically docked a minimum of 5 Guy Points. Sitting is for toddlers and men afraid of their women. A guy really has only one valid choice - the stand.
The Letter of the Day is was "Z".
"Z" is for Zephyr. Watch as Trey turns Dean's big wind into so many tiny zephyrs.
The Scene: Dopple-G and I are eating lunch and discussing the 7 year old who was suspended for saying 'hell'.
Dopple-G: You've got to be a little nervous about stuff like this, right? I mean, Bear's about to enter the vaunted public school system.
Me: Yeah, it's a definite concern.
Dopple-G: But he doesn't have a potty mouth, right?
Me: Nah. In fact, he does a good job keeping Lovely Wife and I straight. He does play The Butt Game with me though.
Patient: Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.
Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Patient: Tom Jones Syndrome? I've never heard of that. Is it rare?
Doctor: It's Not Unusual.
Ba-dum-bum
From Zero Tolerance for Violence in Schools blogged at Zero Intelligence.
And just last Friday, Janae Thorpe claims she was trying to break up a fight between her sister Ashley and another student at Groves High School when Janae was stabbed in the eye with a pen. All three girls were suspended and are also awaiting an expulsion hearing. "I didn't do anything," said Janae, who feels the school's policy is "stupid."
If Michele gets that laptop so she can cover the Republican convention in NYC I am so going to buy this T-shirt for her.
The iGrill, from George Foreman.
A fsh.
(I slay me! Hoo, boy, no more coffee for this guy!)
Your resistance is futile for I am the King of Cheeses!
Your cheese rating is: Stilton
The King of cheeses. Stilton is a rich, tangy cheese with blue/grey marbled mould veins running throughout, and a dry, crusty, inedible rind. Daniel Defoe mentioned Stilton as "a town famous for its cheeses" in 1727. It is milder than is continental counterparts, Roquefort and Gorgonzola, and is famed as a dessert cheese, best served with Port.
(Filched from Rob)
POINTS: Three points to the first person to name the source of this post title. Remember, no searches.
I've had a few people ask just what points are and since I'm running short on flippant rejoinders I figured I'd just do a post and handle it the nice way.
Points are...well they're just points. When you earn them you go up on the Leader Board over in the sidebar. At a minimum this gets your link up on my site and might get some traffic to you. At a maximum this will be the culmination of your life and you can die happy. Most people end up somewhere between those two extremes. Maybe I'll give a prize to the top point holder at the end of the year. Anything's possible.
There are a couple of ways to earn points:
- The most common is knowing the same obscure things that I do. When I recognize that I've used some wierd, odd, or little known phrase or bit of past culture I'll offer points to the first person who can name the source of what I've used. The more obscure I think the knowledge is, the more points I'll offer. Searching for the answer using the internet is not allowed for these. It's the honor system so there's no real way I could stop you (apart from the vicious hex I've put in place) but it's all for fun so why bother cheating?
- Sometimes I'll have contests, like the .1 Million Invitational. The winner(s) of these contests will get points.
- I'm not beyond bribery.
- Or flattery.
There are two ways to keep abreast of point earning opportunities. The preferred method is to visit this site several times a day and read everything that's posted. The lazy bastard way is to put your email in the box at the bottom of the Snooze Points section of the sidebar and press the submit button. You'll get put into the subscription list and you'll get an email whenever a post is made where points are offered.
UPDATE: Button doohicky removed as it doesn't work. You'll just have to keep checking back after all.
UPDATE2: Button doohicky replaced as it does work now! Yay!
UPDATE3: This post is being attacked by a crapspambot so I must close the comments.
The Scene: A summer barbeque at our house. The sun is down and the rugrats are abed. Dopple-G, his wife, my own Lovely Wife and I are relaxing on the veranda with beers and cigars. Lovely Wife goes into the house to get a glass of wine. She returns with a bottle in one hand and a glass in the other. The bottle has about a half inch of wine in it.
Dopple-G: Why bother with a glass? There's barely a swig left in that bottle.
Lovely Wife: Because wine is drunk from glasses. Perhaps it's acceptable for Americans to drink from the bottle but I am European. I'm naturally more sophisticated.
At this point Lovely Wife is faced with a conundrum. Both hands have something in them. There are no flat surfaces ready at hand to put her glass upon. She solves the problem by biting the cork and spending considerable effort and no small amount of time to worry it out of the bottle. She then spits the cork across the veranda and prepares to pour the wine.
Dopple-G: (laughing) Oh, yeah. You're definitely more sophisticated. I probably would have used an armpit or something to get that out. And there's no way I could have spit that far for distance. Nowhere near sophisticated enough.
Lovely Wife realizes what she just did and starts laughing so hard that she drops her glass in the dirt. At this point she gives up and finishes off the wine with one good pull from the bottle.
So now you know why I call her Lovely Wife and not Sophisticated Wife.
Man, I hate these things. I'm a sucker for deceptively simple looking games that prove complex and disturbingly interesting. This one seems really simple. Click on the block in the middle and drag it around to avoid the other blocks flying around. But then you start seeing developing patterns and an odd symmetry and the next thing you know 10 minutes have gone by.
Bah! I'm through with these things!
Well, maybe just one more time...
(Many curses upon Dopple-G's head for inflicting this on me)
It always knows.
The flavor of fruit.
Just follow my snoot!
This little ditty is lodged firmly in my head this morning. I have no idea where it came from. As far as I know this jingle was retired many, many years ago. I also haven't actually seen Toucan Sam in I don't know how long.
So why do I have this bloody annoying Fruit Loops jingle bouncing around my grey matter? What synapse misfired to bring this annoying stuff out of cranial retirement? Is it a warning sign of some grand mental problem lurking just beneath the surface?
Of course some people would clarify that as another grand mental problem lurking just beneath the surface. Because they're all out to get me and they do stuff like that. What was that noise?!
[mumble mumble mumble]
This is not a political blog for one basic reason. Politics (and specifically politicians) generally disgust me. I do my duty and keep informed. I vote. I'll discuss particular items with interested parties. I'll joke and make fun of them. What I don't do is get involved in battling against the retards and asshats that get off on the partisan bullshit screeds that so pervade the blogoshpere and the Internet at large. I'm making an exception.
Sue is an AOL user and died* in the wool Kucinich vigilante who befouled my comments with a 500 word rant ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS!WITHOUT SPACES BETWEEN THE SENTENCES!AND ENDING EVERY SINGLE STATEMENT WITH AN EXCLAMATION POINT!IT WAS, ODDLY ENOUGH, IN A REGULAR WEIGHTED FONT!MOST LIKELY BECAUSE SHE IS NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO USE THE [BOLD] TAG!
MY FIRST INCLINATION (oops, let's take that "caps" button off) was to just blacklist this mentally deficient character and be done with it but I decided to draw swords instead for a couple of reasons:
- Although she's a retard it's quite possible that she is an honestly misguided retard. Too long under the aluminum foil and anybody could be convinced to put the Kucinich gun deep into their oral cavity.
- I'm pretty strongly against censorship. This was pretty obviously a cut and paste screed so I wouldn't really feel bad about deleting it but there's still the principle of the thing. I was offended by the comment but I certainly wasn't harmed. It was also a reply to a post where I critized Kucinich for his heartless assault against our GIs so it was at least correctly placed.
- I think that it's important that people who pretend to be a "Sue" be exposed for the idiots that they are, when they make it oh so apparent exactly what idiots they are. I know a bunch of "Sue" types and all of them are bright and lucid. It's painfully honest that whatever this freak is, she isn't a genuine "Sue". If I let this go unpunished I would be doing a disservice to the "Sue"s that are being impersonated.
- How can I pass up the opportunity to pour out buckets of backloaded vitriol on such a worthy target?
Disclaimer: My political beliefs center around the concept of an elected official performing their job well and doing so within the bounds of the constraints laid upon them. For the President these constraints include little things like the Constitution, the Legislative Branch and the Judicial Branch. As Kucinich has openly stated he has no intention whatsoever of giving even lip service to those three (and others) I have classified him and anybody who supports him as a nuckfut. If you are a Kucinich supporter then you are a nuckfut. Yes, really honest and for true. Therefore, nuckfuts will quite likely be highly offended by reading the contents of the extended entry. I guess it's quite possible that they've already been offended by my words above as well as from being called out as the nuckfuts they are and I should probably have put this disclaimer way up at the top of the post for it to be the most effective. But that's okay - like I really care about offending a bunch of nuckfuts.
The Real Disclaimer: This is a long fisking. I was pissed when I wrote it. Seriously pissed. Over several days. It is not a jocular taking to task of a misguided commenter, it is a furious diatribe against a target of opportunity that has provided me with an outlet to unload months of accumulated pissedoffedness. I did not open a can of whoop-ass here, I tapped a keg. If you love Snooze Button Dreams for my lighthearted quirky humor, anecdotes of life & family and the occasional kooky jack-ass maneuver recorded for posterity then this is seriously not the entry for you. You've been warned.
With that said, let us continue to the extended entry where I fisk this jackass's screed.
It's just another Jackson exposing their body parts to youngsters.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Pictures of "Nasty" girl Janet Jackson's well rounded right breast are plastered all over the place with commentary ranging from outraged to "yummilicious". My only comment is this:
How can you end up as a pedophile when you grow up with such awesome boobage around?
The 'what' I refer to is of course "XSET". I want to know what it means, and so does Rob. He's offering valuable prizes including XSET points(tm) and an all expense paid trip to your own kitchen to the three people with the best explanations for just what the heck XSET is supposed to mean.
I've put in a couple but my brain hurts now and I can't come up with any more. My first inclination was (of course) to let it go at this point and wait to collect my valuable prizes. But, seeing as I'm trying to put up this facade of me as a kind and caring fellow I figured it would go a bit better for that image if I helped out a bit and clued y'all into the contest.
You can submit as many times as you want, your suggestions don't have to be that close to XSET and you have until Feb 22 to enter. Go forth and name that site.
The 9th Bestofme Symphony is up at Unbillable Hours and ready for your weekly perusal. A cuppa, a Symphony, and thou. What more could a blogger ask for?
Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note.
Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.
Spread the word: Webloggers, please give TBP some props for a fine Symphony. Maybe a bit of link love would best show our appreciation? (Hint, hint, hint)
Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, drop me a line at this address. It's not a mailing list, just me sending out friendly little reminders. There'll be one on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.
