Shank let the front page go blank, so I'll fill it up with one of the funniest scenes ever in any movie.
So, in preparation for what I (and others?) can only pray will be the utter failure of commerical music as we know it; I just want to throw out some bands. I love the hell out of 'em; some are new, some are old; but they're all designed to, I don't know...NOT BLOW DONKEYS!
(JJ Grey) and Mofro: Imagine a band; musically inspired by southern rock, the blues, and their own southern jazz roots. Take that band and give it a lyricist who channels James Brown, Ray Charles, and the blackwater region of Florida where he was raised in a way that makes you wish you were from there. Their most recent CD just came out, their sophmore release still goes for over $35, and their first was listed on Amazon as one of the best CD's out there. When I was looking for their sophmore disc a month ago, it was going for well over $75. Limited edition - apparently there are just...more copies now (ahem). If someone can get me a copy of Lochloosa for free, I'll gladly trade my posting priviledges at this illustrious website. For most of you, this would be tallied in the 'plus' column.
Jamie Lidell - If Timbaland, Jack Johnson, and modern funk had a love child; it would be Jamie Lidell. His 'Multiply' disc has it all: bluesy tunes, rappy tunes, neo-funk. Now we know where Justin Timberlake bit his entire music career from. Top secret info? I love listening to music that sounds like it comes form someone, or some time, that you don't expect it to. Like, for instance, this CD. I mean, isn't that what makes music so wonderful?
The standards: Never forget that your old music still stands up: Sublime, Goldfinger, Green Day, Live, Nirvana, ('scuse me if my chronology gets whacked here), Clapton, Creedence, the Stones (the old ones, not the touring ones), Zep, Hendrix, McCartney&Lennon, Ray Charles, Ellington&Parker, and from here the music becomes so intrinsic that the actual artists disappear. You know those songs: The Girl From Ipanema, etc. Those songs that existed only in the moment that you saw them performed, because after that, they were never performed the same.
God rest music.
Here’s another bonehead move from the wonderful people who have brought good music to a grinding halt by signing and encouraging the shitiest of artists over the last fifteen years.
These idiots are the ones responsible for the demise of the music industry. CD sales are down, I don’t remember the number exactly, but A LOT this year. For about the fifth year in a row. For a good reason, of course; the music being out sucks. And when I say sucks, I mean like a Vegas hooker in the penthouse suite at the Wynn.
And now this.
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard. I guess if you can’t sell music, you may as well litigate for it.
The crux of the matter is that bars and restaurants are supposed to pay for music that is played in the establishment. I know from experience that most places subscribe to one or more music subscription thingies that cover this or are supposed to. However, The good folks in the music industry are now suing the shit out of everybody.
“ASCAP says that besides broadcasting songs over the radio, television and Internet, the definition of performing copyrighted music includes playing it "any place where people gather," with the exception of small private groups.
For restaurants, that includes playing songs as background music, by a DJ and even music-on-hold over phone lines, according to ASCAP's Web site.
"As long as it's [played] outside a direct circle of friends and family, it is considered a public performance," Candilora said. "A musical composition is somebody's property."
Basically, what they are saying is that if you hire a band to play at your bar, and that band plays a cover song, they want their $.08 or whatever it is nowadays. See, back in the dinosaur days when I was young, the industry wanted everybody playing these songs in bars. They wanted cover bands because they got songs out there and then people who liked them often bought the album. But those days are over folks. It’s easier to sue people, since no one’s buying the shit on the shelves these days anyway.
“ASCAP alleged that a DJ at Ibiza played three copyrighted pop songs without paying a licensing fee, which Candilora calculated would have cost Ibiza $979 a year, considering the size of the venue and the type of performance.
"I think it's absurd," said Eshagi. "Not only DJs have bought that music, I also subscribe to an online music-use service, and I'm also paying the cable company for the same thing. I don't know how many times we have to pay for a song."”
The answer is, you shall pay until blood runs from your ears! Or until the industry starts putting out some decent shit and sales pick up. Don’t hold your breath.
I wanted to do my part on this important day, so Saturday night I ate two bowls of chili with kidney and black beans, 3 bowls of lentil soup and two generous helpings of black bean salad with corn and jalapenos. With extra beans. Sunday I spent the day outside spewing methane gas into the atmosphere, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
If you want to do your part for global warming, go to a Sheryl Crow concert. The more people we can get to attend one of these pompous-assfests, the bigger the carbon footprint. Sheryl Crowe's busses may run on soybean juice but I bet your SUV doesn't!!
And don't forget to exhale when you breath, earth-rapers!! If Sheryl and the jackasses that go to her global warming concert were serious, they would all kill themselves when the concert was over. Viola! Eternally carbon neutral!
How about I say this to you instead: I'd really love to "always be there when you wake", but that requires actual waking on your part, ya friggin' junkie.
Virginia Beach has hit the big time. And all because of a homicidal drunken illegal alien. I mean 'undocumented worker'.
O'Reilly: Virginia Beach Mayor and Police Chief responsible for death of two teens.
Undocumented Workers - 2
Virginia Beach - 0
It couldn't have happened to a nicer town. I'm so proud.
Hello, I'm Senor Poopy also know as Bill, formerly of Bloviating Inanities...
(Pause for wild applause)
Thank you. I've been invited by the lovely folks at SBD to blog here and of course I took them up on it. I'm not sure why they want me here but here I am. The only rule I was given was no "upper-decking". I had no idea what "upper-decking" was, so I looked it up. Apparently, it's a practical joke whereby one takes a crap in the tank of the toilet instead of the bowl. So when the unsuspecting victim comes by, uses the toilet and then flushes, well, they get, uh, "beef stew" in the bowl. Frankly, I don't see what's so bad about this. And if the folks at SBD were so concerned about upper-decking, I wouldn't have been the first choice since Bloviating Inanities was two full years of nothing but upper-decking.
Still, here I am. I'm sure if I cross that magical line, I'll lose my password faster than you can say "Dinty Moore". Get it? They make beef stew. It was a joke. Nevermind.
Anyway, here goes. Oh, you thought I was done? I'm just getting started. Shut up.
Anyway, I went to the doctor and found out I have high cholesterol. I didn't want to take Lipitor or Gigantor or whatever the hell that stuff is because you can't drink while taking it. And if you haven't guessed yet, I haven't stopped drinking. On the contrary. So I decided to get healthy and go the diet and exercise route...except for the drinking, smoking and occasional Meth binge. So I bought a bike and started eating healthier. I'm on a - say it with me - "Heart Healthy Diet!" Low in cholesterol and saturated fat. High in fiber and anti-toxicants and Omega-3 fatty lucopenes. That's right, I'm takig fish oil pills.
Since I need a lot of fiber I've been eating high fiber cereal every morning with my vodka. And I saw this commercial for Kashi Go lean Crunch. It was this fruitball running along the beach in slow motion with his fruity dog as they frolic and splash in the waves. I guess they were healthy. And maybe they were frolicking so much because flax seeds are delicious.
I bought it anyway because it is, "a delicious combination of crunchy honey-sweetened 7-grain clusters, sliced almonds and whole flax seeds". Don't ask me what's in the fucking clusters or what a flax seed is. It's high in Omega-3's, whatever they are, and high in protein and fiber. It's $4 a box. If you'd like to re-create the taste of Kashi Go Lean Crunch with Honey Almond Flax for a fraction of the cost, here's how:
Go to your couch and remove the cushions. Gather up the lint, the 4 Planters peanuts that have been there since 2003, the 14 cents in loose change, that dust-covered raisin, assorted paperclips, rubberbands and fruity pebbles.
Put it all in a bowl. Add a dollop of honey and some soy milk and voila!! You have your own home made Kashi Go Lean Crunch with Honey Almond Flax.
Your welcome.
Lastly, have you ever stuck anything up your ass? Anything at all? If so, we here at Snooze Button Dreams would like to know about it. We know the where, now tell us the why! That's what the comments are for, people. Of course everything will be completely confidential. Our comments section is completely secure and absolutely no on can read them except other people. So what do you say? Tell us what's been in your ass lately!
Update: That last paragraph was by no means meant to shock or outrage. I've been accussed of being juvenile and a potty mouth, but those days have passed. The reason for that last paragraph is that I'm writing a piece for The New England Journal of Medicine called "Wacky Anal Insertions". Hey, NEJM does fluff pieces too. And if all goes well, they might turn it into a show on Discovery - Health. Cross your fingers!
I have never gotten a traffic ticket before. In fact, I’ve never even been pulled over before for any reason. Until recently.
I was in a resort town and was completely unfamiliar with the area. I backed out of my friend’s driveway, put the car (a minivan) into gear and drove approximately 70 yards when officer lard-ass waved me over. I thought there must be some mistake.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“I didn’t even know I was pulled over.” I smiled. It still hadn’t dawned on me yet.
“You were going 37 MPH in a 25 zone. Let’s see your license and registration.” He had taken a very nasty tone.
Let first say that I have (had) a great respect for cops. I realize they deal with not only danger but a lot of bullshit so I always show them a great deal of respect. I guess that’s because I haven’t had much experience with them before. Anyway, I’m sitting there with my wife and kid in a minivan and it begins to dawn on me that there was no way I could have gotten up to 37 MPH in the short distance that I had driven.
I’m the first to admit that on the freeway, pending traffic and road conditions, I may go a little too fast. But I don’t tailgate, I have taken defensive driving courses and I’m a safe driver. But on residential streets, I never speed. I have a kid and I’m always conscious of other kids on residential streets. I also had never driven this vehicle before and was adjusting the seat as I started forward. There was no way in hell I was going 37 mph. But that didn’t matter because I was in shock that I’d been pulled over.
So I sat there waiting while this fat bastard sat in his car and wrote out the ticket which took thirty fucking minutes. Then he waddled his fat ass back towards me and explained that it was an $80 ticket and showed me where to sign. I signed it, nodded and drove off. He actually looked hurt that I didn’t thank him for it. My clean driving record was gone, thanks to an asshole that was tourist baiting.
I thought about it for the next hour. I should’ve asked how he knew my speed, I should have asked to see the radar or whatever. I should have done a lot, but as my wife said, “I’m too law abiding to know how to deal with these people.”
Later I went back to the scene of the crime, pulled out of the driveway, and floored it. I could not get up to 37 MPH by the time I got to the place I got pulled over. At least not without trying hard and looking like a maniac. What a prick. I guess they know a tourist won’t be around to fight the ticket so they hand them out like candy whether they’re deserved or not. I haven’t decided how yet, but I’m going to make it my life’s mission to tell everyone I know how much the place sucks, having the nerve to pull shit like that. Did I mention that as the asshole was talking to me in a very nasty voice he was hollering to his buddies as they drove by doing 50 mph, “When we goin’ fishing, Fred!” and shit like that. Maybe I’ll write a letter to the mayor and Chamber of Commerce thanking them for warning me off, as I almost booked my industry meeting at their convention center, but thanks to officer lard-ass, instead, I’m going to make it my life’s mission tell everyone I ever fucking meet how I feel about that shithole.
Yes, I imagine this sounds like sour grapes, and I suppose that’s what it is, but if you people knew me in real life you’d understand. If I’m caught I’m a very good sport; if I’m set up, I’ll remember it to my dying day. And I can be relentless.
What a nasty, goddamned, shit-heel, good-ole-boy fat fucking liar.
Did you know that Martin Luther King Jr. was heavily invested in making New Orleans a majority black city? Or that his central focus was hurricane recovery? And I bet that you didn't know how he lobbied tirelessly for reparations.
I have to confess that I missed all of that in my studies of the man. I could have sworn that he was all about equality but I guess I'm wrong. I mean it's like this - either I'm wrong or some of the most prominent black leaders of our time are sticking their feet up MLK's ass to promote their own causes on the very day we've set aside to remember him and his works and they wouldn't do that.
Would they?
I hate it when you say "Merry Christmas" to someone and instead of an equally friendly reply; you get a scowl and any number of possible condescending comments:
"Hmph. I don't celebrate Christmas."
"Whatever, it's all been commercialized anyways."
Some people will even frown and say they're Jewish. Which really confuses me, because being Jewish ain't all that bad, so what's with the frown? But I suppose that's a whole 'nother subject.
A few years back, I came up with my own retort to these folks: "Don't be a dick." Look, if someone comes up to you and says "Happy Cinco de Mayo", non-Mexicans don't scowl and say "Whatever. I'm from Wisconsin." No. You say "Hell yeah! Let's go get some Coronas!" Same with Octoberfest. Granted, I've got German lineage, but my friends still don the lederhosen, eat a bunch of brats, down some Hefeweizen, and occasionally wake up next to a member of the '76 Olympic swim team. Why? Because it's just a fun celebration.
And this applies to us all. I mean, if someone came up to me and was like "Happy Kwanzaa" I'd be like "Thanks." I might even say "Let's go sacrifice some goats!" Just kidding, you kwazee Kwanzaa kids. Oh Christ. At any rate, if someone wishes you a "Happy Whatever" and it's not a holiday you celebrate, try not to be a dick. It only makes you look like a dick. And nobody likes dickotry.
Seeing as how I, as a member of the Snooze Crew, am about to be blown away by upcoming bloggy goodness from Jim, Paul, and shank, I decided to take a look at my old posts here at Snoozehaus, and see if there's anything that might vaguely be considered good.
Nah. Not really.
There was a little stretch there, though, where some of my posts had comments approaching double-digits (I'll take my victories, no matter how small, as I get them.). These were posts that, quite frankly, probably helped boost the gayness rating of The Blue Snooze.
(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
But while reading one of my more infamous posts, a phrase I put in there struck me, much like the SBD* I cut loose on a very crowded Metro train on the Fourth of July probably hit the people standing next to me when I cut that bad boy. I had to find out where the Snooze-a-roni stood when that phrase was googled.
Now, I'm sure Jim is LW's number-one husband. Betcha Burger, Bacon, and the Bear have given him a coffee mug or t-shirt or a tie that proclaims Jim their "Number 1 Dad." We all know him as a number-one BS artist, and also as a number-one eater of meat.
And, as it turns out, he's also Number One when I ignore my own advice, given in a certain blog post so very long ago:
Folks, don't ever google the phrase "man rape movies." Just trust me on this one.
Congratulations, Jim! Or not.
Update: Rachel Ann asked if there wasn't some sort of award that we could give these folk. Since they are unfortunately still alive they are disqualified from the Darwins. Enter the Flaming Asshole, designed for just such a circumstance. Good call Rachel!
U.S. Humanitarian Group Arrives in Cuba
120 supporters of Pastors for Peace violated the US embargo on Cuba. They arrived in good spirits with their contraband goods and t-shirts calling for regime change in the USA.
Try that again - they went to Cuba and are calling for regime change in America.
Thank God they've moved to Cuba so we won't have to deal with them any longer. What? They aren't staying in the workers' utopia? They prefer the horrific boot of the oppressive Bush regime against the back of their collective neck to living in Cuba? Damn.
Flaming Asshole Award Reassigned
It turns out that Daniel Watts is the likely victim here and the flaming ass is the Associated Press. Daniel commented and emailed regarding his treatment by the press:
As I learned during the gubernatorial race, the media has a tendency to take everything I say out of context.
Some of the articles have misquoted me as saying that the video "is not a big deal."
It IS a big deal. Anyone dying in Iraq is a big deal. What the media blew out of proportion was the attempted showing of the Nick Berg video on Library Walk on Tuesday (by another student, not me); the video wasn't even shown, but the media hung out for 2 hours to interview the guy.
There are multiple reasons to show the video. The main one is that photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse have been plastered all over the newspapers and Internet, but the media have not gone to similar lengths to try to give the same attention to an even worse crime committed AGAINST Americans. The media's coverage of the Abu Ghraib prison abuse is slanted; they will show graphic photos of prisoners being mauled, humiliated, etc. but they won't show even worse atrocities committed by the terrorists.
I'm sorry the story you read portrayed me unfairly. If I've learned anything it's that the media selectively choose what to include in their stories.
Sincerely,
Daniel Watts
Thusly it is that the Flaming Asshole Trophy is reclaimed from Daniel Watts and bestowed instead upon the Associated Press, long may their gasseous discharges burn.
What do you call it when a blogger leads off a series with a targeted attack on another blogger and then closes the comments on the post? I call it bullshit. This particular pile of bullshit was birthed by Mrs. du Toit. She leads off a multi-post essay with this gem:
In a comment thread regarding domestic violence I was taken to task for referring to myself as "Mrs du Toit" by (what I would refer to as) a Femi-Nazi. She made some comment that she had a name and was proud to use it, and she'd never refer to herself the way I do.
The comment thread in question was at my place. Mrs. du Toit had commented that there is no such thing as Stockholm Syndrome and that women in abusive relationships are there solely because they want to be. Helen took her to task, this being the "some comment" referred to above:
And Dean? Yeah, I don't read you, and I really don't feel the need to, either. You've been there on the man's side? Well, I've been there on the woman's side. And you and Mrs. Du Toit (again, let me state thus: I find it revolting to be referred to by my spouse's name. I have my own name, thank you) should understand this: if you haven't walked the woman's side, then you just don't understand.
So what is it, Mrs. du Toit? Any woman who has been abused is a feminazi? Any woman who disagrees with you? Any woman who wants to be known by her own name instead of her husband's? What exactly is your label of "feminazi" a result of? One thing we can be sure of is that it is in no way related to any knowledge of Helen that you might have because if you had taken even a few moments to get to know her before spitting out your vitriol you would know that she's quite the opposite.
Frankly the moral equivalence necessary to use a term like "feminazi" in the first place is disgusting. Your casual attack on somebody you know nothing about simply because they disagree with you is reprehensible.
Bullshit, Connie. Absolute bullshit.
Incidentally, this is for you:
I am constantly and consistently astounded by the open hatred that forms the wellspring of peace rallies. These fuck-knobs scream about the USA being a dictatorship while marching in open protest. How fucked in the head do you have to be before you get it into your skull that those two are mutually exclusive? Try protesting in the peacenik's favorite land of Palestine. "Gay's for Palestine"? That's a fucking joke and a half. Homosexuality is a crime punishable by death there and these cretins support terrorists blowing up babies in the name of eliminating the only democratic country in the Middle East?
The king of the jackasses for this latest travesty is the bastard that Laurence posted on this morning. You sir have earned the title of Flaming Ass. Wear it until your untimely timely death.
(First seen at Kelley's, then at Michele's and finally decided to post on it when I saw it at Jen's)
I'm not going to rag on Lloyd because he's a homophobe. I'm not going to rag on him because he's opinionated. I'm not even going to rag on him because he's most likely a hypocritical closet fag himself. No, I'm not going to rag on him for any of these things. Instead, I'm going to rag on him because he's a flaming ass. In fact, Lloyd has inspired me to start a new category here at Snooze Button Dreams where I'll showcase such flaming asses.
As long as my faith teaches me what it does, coupled with the fact that homosexual lifestyles threaten the very fabric that has held society together for centuries on this planet...
Homosexual lifestyles threaten the very fabric that has held society together for centuries on this planet? Um, Lloyd (I keep wanting to spell that "Llyod" for some reason), you better sit down for this one. There have in fact been homosexuals on this planet, in society for centuries. I know! I was shocked too! I mean, how in he who must not be named's name has society kept its very fabric together? It's a mystery. Go pray for an answer.
