I have never gotten a traffic ticket before. In fact, I’ve never even been pulled over before for any reason. Until recently.

I was in a resort town and was completely unfamiliar with the area. I backed out of my friend’s driveway, put the car (a minivan) into gear and drove approximately 70 yards when officer lard-ass waved me over. I thought there must be some mistake.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“I didn’t even know I was pulled over.” I smiled. It still hadn’t dawned on me yet.

“You were going 37 MPH in a 25 zone. Let’s see your license and registration.” He had taken a very nasty tone.

Let first say that I have (had) a great respect for cops. I realize they deal with not only danger but a lot of bullshit so I always show them a great deal of respect. I guess that’s because I haven’t had much experience with them before. Anyway, I’m sitting there with my wife and kid in a minivan and it begins to dawn on me that there was no way I could have gotten up to 37 MPH in the short distance that I had driven.

I’m the first to admit that on the freeway, pending traffic and road conditions, I may go a little too fast. But I don’t tailgate, I have taken defensive driving courses and I’m a safe driver. But on residential streets, I never speed. I have a kid and I’m always conscious of other kids on residential streets. I also had never driven this vehicle before and was adjusting the seat as I started forward. There was no way in hell I was going 37 mph. But that didn’t matter because I was in shock that I’d been pulled over.

So I sat there waiting while this fat bastard sat in his car and wrote out the ticket which took thirty fucking minutes. Then he waddled his fat ass back towards me and explained that it was an $80 ticket and showed me where to sign. I signed it, nodded and drove off. He actually looked hurt that I didn’t thank him for it. My clean driving record was gone, thanks to an asshole that was tourist baiting.

I thought about it for the next hour. I should’ve asked how he knew my speed, I should have asked to see the radar or whatever. I should have done a lot, but as my wife said, “I’m too law abiding to know how to deal with these people.”

Later I went back to the scene of the crime, pulled out of the driveway, and floored it. I could not get up to 37 MPH by the time I got to the place I got pulled over. At least not without trying hard and looking like a maniac. What a prick. I guess they know a tourist won’t be around to fight the ticket so they hand them out like candy whether they’re deserved or not. I haven’t decided how yet, but I’m going to make it my life’s mission to tell everyone I know how much the place sucks, having the nerve to pull shit like that. Did I mention that as the asshole was talking to me in a very nasty voice he was hollering to his buddies as they drove by doing 50 mph, “When we goin’ fishing, Fred!” and shit like that. Maybe I’ll write a letter to the mayor and Chamber of Commerce thanking them for warning me off, as I almost booked my industry meeting at their convention center, but thanks to officer lard-ass, instead, I’m going to make it my life’s mission tell everyone I ever fucking meet how I feel about that shithole.

Yes, I imagine this sounds like sour grapes, and I suppose that’s what it is, but if you people knew me in real life you’d understand. If I’m caught I’m a very good sport; if I’m set up, I’ll remember it to my dying day. And I can be relentless.

What a nasty, goddamned, shit-heel, good-ole-boy fat fucking liar.