Hello, I'm Senor Poopy also know as Bill, formerly of Bloviating Inanities...

(Pause for wild applause)

Thank you. I've been invited by the lovely folks at SBD to blog here and of course I took them up on it. I'm not sure why they want me here but here I am. The only rule I was given was no "upper-decking". I had no idea what "upper-decking" was, so I looked it up. Apparently, it's a practical joke whereby one takes a crap in the tank of the toilet instead of the bowl. So when the unsuspecting victim comes by, uses the toilet and then flushes, well, they get, uh, "beef stew" in the bowl. Frankly, I don't see what's so bad about this. And if the folks at SBD were so concerned about upper-decking, I wouldn't have been the first choice since Bloviating Inanities was two full years of nothing but upper-decking.

Still, here I am. I'm sure if I cross that magical line, I'll lose my password faster than you can say "Dinty Moore". Get it? They make beef stew. It was a joke. Nevermind.

Anyway, here goes. Oh, you thought I was done? I'm just getting started. Shut up.

Anyway, I went to the doctor and found out I have high cholesterol. I didn't want to take Lipitor or Gigantor or whatever the hell that stuff is because you can't drink while taking it. And if you haven't guessed yet, I haven't stopped drinking. On the contrary. So I decided to get healthy and go the diet and exercise route...except for the drinking, smoking and occasional Meth binge. So I bought a bike and started eating healthier. I'm on a - say it with me - "Heart Healthy Diet!" Low in cholesterol and saturated fat. High in fiber and anti-toxicants and Omega-3 fatty lucopenes. That's right, I'm takig fish oil pills.

Since I need a lot of fiber I've been eating high fiber cereal every morning with my vodka. And I saw this commercial for Kashi Go lean Crunch. It was this fruitball running along the beach in slow motion with his fruity dog as they frolic and splash in the waves. I guess they were healthy. And maybe they were frolicking so much because flax seeds are delicious.

I bought it anyway because it is, "a delicious combination of crunchy honey-sweetened 7-grain clusters, sliced almonds and whole flax seeds". Don't ask me what's in the fucking clusters or what a flax seed is. It's high in Omega-3's, whatever they are, and high in protein and fiber. It's $4 a box. If you'd like to re-create the taste of Kashi Go Lean Crunch with Honey Almond Flax for a fraction of the cost, here's how:

Go to your couch and remove the cushions. Gather up the lint, the 4 Planters peanuts that have been there since 2003, the 14 cents in loose change, that dust-covered raisin, assorted paperclips, rubberbands and fruity pebbles.

Put it all in a bowl. Add a dollop of honey and some soy milk and voila!! You have your own home made Kashi Go Lean Crunch with Honey Almond Flax.

Your welcome.

Lastly, have you ever stuck anything up your ass? Anything at all? If so, we here at Snooze Button Dreams would like to know about it. We know the where, now tell us the why! That's what the comments are for, people. Of course everything will be completely confidential. Our comments section is completely secure and absolutely no on can read them except other people. So what do you say? Tell us what's been in your ass lately!

Update: That last paragraph was by no means meant to shock or outrage. I've been accussed of being juvenile and a potty mouth, but those days have passed. The reason for that last paragraph is that I'm writing a piece for The New England Journal of Medicine called "Wacky Anal Insertions". Hey, NEJM does fluff pieces too. And if all goes well, they might turn it into a show on Discovery - Health. Cross your fingers!