What do you call it when a blogger leads off a series with a targeted attack on another blogger and then closes the comments on the post? I call it bullshit. This particular pile of bullshit was birthed by Mrs. du Toit. She leads off a multi-post essay with this gem:
In a comment thread regarding domestic violence I was taken to task for referring to myself as "Mrs du Toit" by (what I would refer to as) a Femi-Nazi. She made some comment that she had a name and was proud to use it, and she'd never refer to herself the way I do.
The comment thread in question was at my place. Mrs. du Toit had commented that there is no such thing as Stockholm Syndrome and that women in abusive relationships are there solely because they want to be. Helen took her to task, this being the "some comment" referred to above:
And Dean? Yeah, I don't read you, and I really don't feel the need to, either. You've been there on the man's side? Well, I've been there on the woman's side. And you and Mrs. Du Toit (again, let me state thus: I find it revolting to be referred to by my spouse's name. I have my own name, thank you) should understand this: if you haven't walked the woman's side, then you just don't understand.
So what is it, Mrs. du Toit? Any woman who has been abused is a feminazi? Any woman who disagrees with you? Any woman who wants to be known by her own name instead of her husband's? What exactly is your label of "feminazi" a result of? One thing we can be sure of is that it is in no way related to any knowledge of Helen that you might have because if you had taken even a few moments to get to know her before spitting out your vitriol you would know that she's quite the opposite.
Frankly the moral equivalence necessary to use a term like "feminazi" in the first place is disgusting. Your casual attack on somebody you know nothing about simply because they disagree with you is reprehensible.
Bullshit, Connie. Absolute bullshit.
Incidentally, this is for you:
I am absolutely thrilled to bits.
She calls me a Femi-Nazi...well, I could really give a shit what she calls me, but she clearly doesn't do her homework if she wants to call me that.
I was going to say that I can't be bothered to check out her site, since I like my temper intact and my intelligence to not be insulted, but that would make me guilty of doing precisely what I am accusing her of-not checking out the details.
And you know what? She should be ashamed. She should be ashamed that she is lecturing ME about attacking HER without checking HER out, when that's exactly what she just did.
You know, Mrs. DuToit-we are more alike than you know. Despite your desire to be known as "Mrs" and your conservatism, we're not that far apart. I posted just yesterday that people are not what they seem, that I hide parts of me. I too have had an extremely fucked-up childhood (and adulthood!) But if you want to just put your head in the sand, let my comment upset you so badly, and then act like a martyr, that's ok with me.
It's sad-I think that women need to stick together. I think there's enough support and sympathy to go around, enough understanding and commonality to accept people-but you just go ahead and blindly label me a Femi-nazi.
I've been called worse, and likely will be again by your legions that feel that in order to defend you, they need to swing blindly in the night.
i stayed in a verbally abusive marriage because i had no where to go & lacked the confidence to go out on my own.
and i haven't taken my new husband's name, either. i'm very proud of MY family's name.
i'm with you, helen. we need to stick together, not fight about these things.
It's too bad, really. Both Helen and Mrs. DuToit are great writers who, unfortunately, tend to react a bit strongly when challenged, veering into overreaction at times. Not that reacting strongly to challenge is exactly rare in the blogosphere. But still.
I respect both women, both for their experiences and their writing. The topic is serious, and reasonable people can disagree about some aspects of it.
Mrs. DuToit...there's no need for name-calling. I've gotten to know Helen, and she's no femi-nazi. She's a strong, vibrant, women who has overcome tremendous challenges in life to become a special person. Helen...there are femi-nazis around, even though you aren't one. And Mrs. DuToit takes rightful pride in taking on her husband's name. She's proud of who she is, and who her husband is, and that's a worthy thing to be proud of. It's not right to mock her, or to denigrate her choices. And it's especially inappropriate to insult someone's self-identification when the person doing the insulting is someone who won't use her real name on the blog.
Uh...yeah.
If that was intended to get me to use my real name on my blog, it's not going to happen. I use a pseudonym since I write a personal blog, and as such, I don't want colleagues to find it. If I wrote a political or current events blog, then I wouldn't care and so would be myself.
I really appreciate your support and your very lovely words above.
But shame on you, Jiminy. You know why I use a pseudonym.
Especially since I have been honest with you and you know my real name.
And for the record, for the final fucking time: I wasn't insulting anyone. I wasn't flaming anyone (what a ridiculous word), and I wasn't having a go. I WILL NOT EVER go by my husband's name as "Mrs. Helen Johnson" or "Mrs. Helen Adams" or whatever the man's last name is. I may take it as my last name, but I will not call myself Mrs. Helen X. I just won't do it. I am not property.
I currently have a taken name that I am very happy with. I went to the courts. I petitioned for it.
It's mine, and I have no intention of ever changing it, even if I ever do get married again.
I haven't insulted anyone. I have just been stating my opinion. But I am beginning to get hot under the collar and can see I am going to start to do so very soon, so I am stepping out now to go to the gym and become Zen.
Helen,
No, I was not trying to get you to use your real name on the blog. And yes, I know why you don't. And I respect that. In fact, that's the point. I respect your choice to identify yourself however you want. You came across -- and because you are such a good writer it's hard to believe it was inadvertent -- as saying that the way Mrs. DuToit identifies herself is wrong, or...weak. It's not.
That's all I was saying.
After being called a FemiNazi I made this Yahoo Profile http://profiles.yahoo.com/boobzillaoffeminazia as a parody. As to why women would stay in abusive relationships, oh, sometimes they don't have a lot of choice. Leave, get killed. It happens. Lots. Sometimes the bullet isn't quite lethal and they end up in a coma. Not a viable alternative. And if the woman lacks job skills and has a lot of kids, it's a little harder to leave. Names, oh people can call themselves anything they want, doesn't bother me.
I just have to butt in, against all better knowledge...
Helen, you may not have wanted to insult anyone, hell, I'm sure you didn't want to. But the fact is that your opinion about going by your husband's name had absolutely no bearing on the debate, which means that due to the way it was phrased in that context, it more or less amounted to an ad hominem attack on Mrs DuToit. Her calling you a feminazi was uncalled for and base, but let's keep in mind that for all practical purposes, it was you who started the name calling here.
And no, I'm not trying to defend her, just trying to get some perspective into this.