GreenZap, the alternative to PayPal, is set to launch on June 1. I think this is just too cool. I'm all about better capitalism through competition and until now PayPal was all alone in the ball park.
If you sign up for an account now you'll get a starting balance of $25. If you sign up through the link above I'll get a $5 signing bonus. There's no mention of if/when the $25 new account thing will go away but I expect it will shrink down to $5 or so at or around the launch. I'd much rather you get $25 than $5 so sign up now!
I bet you're all wondering where the anecdotes and stories of our Warshington trip are. They're coming, I just haven't had a chance to put them into pixels yet. You see, I had a very exciting return to work that has had me quite occupied and distracted...
Wednesday was my first day back to work. It was also Boss's last day at work. This came as quite a surprise because as late as Tuesday evening I was confirming future meetings with him. Needless to say, he was as surprised as I was. So I'm getting a new boss starting on Tuesday. What does this mean apart from putting that butterfly feeling in my belly?
The mega project I'm doing business analysis for now has no project manager at all. Boss was working PM for that project, you see. He was in the closing stages of contract negotiation with our biggest information provider as well as holder of the project plan. I'm keeping it together on my own and am getting decent support. I'll be meeting with Almost Boss and Boss2 today to see what we need to do to keep it on schedule.
My move into an official PM position is no longer as tight. This was my Boss's plan and he's gone now. On the plus side I've got the full support of Almost Boss. I'm meeting with Boss2 later today to discuss. Fingers crossed, please.
The department is in a bit of turmoil. We're very deep into defining processes and procedures. Work on this has been going like gangbusters since our Chicago meeting. This was Boss's initiative. What happens now? We've decided to keep going full steam until somebody tells us different and are meeting for a strategy session today.
New Boss has extensive experience with organizing and training project managers. This is very, very good. I expect training resources to become available and strong support for our streamlining and process development efforts.
So my overall opinion is mixed. Boss was a great boss. He was very personable and an extremely straight shooter. He also had the confidence in his people to assign tasks and then back off unless his help was needed. In the age of micromanagement this mix of traits was priceless. He's going to be missed. On the other hand New Boss has more experience with this particular department type and specific experience in getting a young department up to speed.
Good? Bad? Ugly? We'll have to wait and see.
Welcome to the First Whenever Snooze Crew™ Awards. These awards recognize distinguished service in the line of duty with a Snooze Point (how come there's no ™ for Snooze Points?) for the best post in each category. Without further ado, here's the winners:
Best "Jokin Around" post goes to vw bug for this bit of Tasteless humor.
Best "News & Notes" article is awarded to Diamond Dave for You Have Been Chosen.
The best "Snooze Button Dreams" post was a steal by Phin with A memo from the boss
Post that should have been left in the "Deferred" category goes to Rob P for With my apologies.
Best "Match That Quote" post goes to Victor for Match that quote, special Snooze Crew edition!
Best True Stories post (even though nobody shared. you bastards.) is awarded to Denise for The Great Lengths One Will Go To.
And in the special non-category categories the winners are:
Diamond Dave for "Best Suck-up" post with his entry SBD's Greatest Hits (according to Jim's fans).
"Best Use of Non-sexual Imagery in a Sexual Context" goes to Phin for It's travel time. Alternately, this could have won for "Greatest failure of a trackback party in the history of the blogosphere".
Last, and most certainly least, is the "Best Post Poking Fun at Jim", which is awarded to Phin for A letter home from Jim.
Thank you and good night!
PS - The Snooze Crew™ roll of honor has been preserved in the sidebar blogroll. Yay!
Damn, what a mess! Rodent droppings under the blogroll, passed out gay midgets in the archive and I don't know what the hell that stain on the banner is. Sure tastes salty though...
The trip was a lot of fun, details to trickle out in the next couple of days. I've got over a hundred emails in the inbox and 450 posts in the newsreader. Expect my commenting to be light over the next couple of days.
Many thanks to the incomparable Snooze Crew™. I think my readership actually increased over the past week. Hmmm...I might have to do this again in the near future. I'll be handing out some bonus points for the best posts and hosts. Details, as they say, to follow.
In the meantime, any Crewmembers who awarded points please send me a tally and I'll update the list.
Just wanted to take this time to Welcome Jim Home from his vacation! We all missed you!! But I think we did a stellar job at keeping your readers entertained. Er...... when's your next vacation? We might need to start getting our material prepared for the next one. LOL
Glad to have you home!
Well, it seems as if no one wants that last point. Heck, I even said you could bribe the judge. Of course, what could you have bribed me with? Besides with the obvious, that is.
Rat pictures would be good.
Joe Don Baker pictures would also be good.
C'mon, people! Use your imagination!
Ah, well. Since no one gives a rat's ass about it, I'll give you the answer to number two: A Day Without a Mexican is the movie with the SoCal dialogue in it, and apparently no one but me has seen it. Not that it was worth seeing. But then again, neither are most of my favorite movies.
But seriously, folks, it's been fun posting on Jim's blog whilst ignoring mine. Next time Jim takes a vacation, I hope I'll be invited back, even if I did post a crappy "Match That Quote" game and possible bored off some of his readers. Sorry, Jim.
Yep, rambling posts that just jump from point to point...that's my style!
Well since today is probably the last day I get to post at Snooze Button Dreams I wanted to write a post expressing just how much this experience has meant to me. Most folks just don’t get a chance to post on a blog as successful as this one. For a week I had the warm fuzzy feeling that what’s his name must get every time he spanks a midget porn star. For a week I had the more power than this hateful shrew and much to my surprise I was able to withstand the urge to blog about a group of angry lesbian midgets.
For a week my fellow Snooze Crew™ Members and I have turned out posts that would make that other group blog jealous. We’ve posted lots of funny, some stuff that was thought provoking and some stuff that was rather disturbing (who’s damned idea was it to post a picture of Jim in Manties anyway?).
It wasn’t just the Snooze Crew™ that made it possible either. It was the loyal readers of Snooze Button Dreams that kept us posting; that and Jim’s threat to withhold spankings for a week if we misbehaved while he was gone. Sure I know what you’re thinking a spanking from another man doesn’t sound right. But you know what, it’s not like we’re gay (even though Jim’s running one of the finest gay blogs on the Interweb), nope, we’re like Romans. And nobody ever called the gladiators homo’s even if they were playing slap and tickle in the locker room.
Sorry I got a little side tracked. Back to the readers, yup you guys really made us feel all warm and fuzzy. Like when I used to climb a rope in gym class, type warm and fuzzy. It’s definitely a feeling I’ll miss, but hey maybe y’all will stop by and visit my little hole in the wall of the blogidoheckiweb every now and then and we can laugh about the good ole times when Jim turned over the keys to his shop to a bunch of wingnuts.
Confucius say: Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Heard this on the news this morning. Couldn't wait to get home and find it online so I could post it:
Boy gets trapped inside vending machine
I enjoy Jim's stories about his kids getting in trouble, but I'd like to see him top this one.
For that matter, can anyone else with kids top this?
SIDE NOTE: I goofed earlier. I posted with a different, though similar, story about another child who crawled into a stuffed animal machine. Trouble was, it was 18 months out of date. In my panic, I deleted the original entry rather than edit it and ended up just rewriting the post. Sorry for the brain-fart.
I guess this activity about crawling into game machines isn't all that uncommon, after all.
Apparently my behavior at work hasn't been up to par as of late (the past five years). I received a memo, via e-mail, of things I'm no longer allowed to do at work. I'm not sure if I should read too much into this, as it's probably my boss's idea of a joke. But he's serious it's going to be awfully dull around here.
The List:
- Leave open cans of potted meat or sardines in the boss's office; I was only offering him a mid-day snack.
- Set the "On Hold" Music to the Llama Song.
- Fill the boss's desk drawers with Styrofoam packing peanuts.
- Set the boss's computer up with a Barbie, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Fraggle Rock or Muppets Themes.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .
I'm sorry What was the question?
The husband had just finished reading the book, "MAN OF THE HOUSE".
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director!"
Confucius say: Man who cook carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
What's brown and sticky?
The challenge here still has points available. I am now opening it up to cheating--that is, Google, IMDB searches, asking people, and bribing the judge. However, they are now worth only one point. Good luck!
UPDATE THE SECOND: I've decided to offer some hints; they're in the extended entry. Still only one point each.
Via The Corporate Mommy comes the Funniest Caption Ever. She also posts a reason why I don't want kids. For another reason to not have kids, read the Google cache for the first hit for this search.
(Full disclosure: Once I flushed a diaper down the toilet--this was in the 60's, which means it was a cloth diaper, not a disposable. My parents ended up having to have the lawn dug up to get the pipes fixed and I don't think they were too happy about that...and that, basically, is yet another reason why I don't want kids. That, and remembering the time I caught the curtains on fire.) (What it comes down to is it's self-preservation, man.)
Poor Jim. He leaves for a week, gives us the keys to the castle, and all we can do is humiliate him on his own blog.
I think us regulars ought to honor Jim instead by sharing our favorite SBD posts. Posts that make us laugh, cry, think, scream, mutter "whadafuk", spooge, hurl, etc. Who knows, several of us may mention the same posts.
My favorite post went something like this, I think:
I kind of feel bad for pickin' on Jim. Here he was nice enough to loan me a set of keys to his place and I went and poked fun at him for wearing Manties. Ever since that post I've been feeling guilty, but you can't un-ring a bell. The only thing I could think of was to post something to sooth his possibly damaged ego.
But what to post. I’m new to the gay blog scene and unsure of how to "stroke" the ego of a gay blogger, sure I know Jim isn't gay but he is listed by spidergay. So I called a couple of gay bloggers I know.
The one thing they said that always makes them feel better is when someone talks about the size of their cock in a positive light. Luckily I was digging through Jim’s archives and I found the picture in the extended entry, which unlike the others is definitely work safe (Scout’s Honor, I Promise it is really!!!).
I’m desperately trying to come up with something for the Snooze.
Except- My teeth hurt. I have a crew of trolls with jackhammers pounding away at one tooth and the dentist is busy, probably picking out his Ferrari purchased from funds acquired from my insurance company last time I was there.
Shall we say the quality of his work is a bit suspect, to say the least.
You know the rules...but in case you're either dense or a newbie:
1. In the extended entry are quotes from 10 movies. Your job is to identify the movie that each quote came from.
2. Guess as many times as you want, just don't get silly about it.
3. First person to correctly guess each entry gets a point. If there are any left after 24 hours they are worth 2 points.
4. As people guess the films I will strike out those entries and note who got it first.
5. NO cheating!!! That means NO: Google, IMDb, searching my archives etc.!
And I think this one is harder than Jim's Match that Quote. These are taken from old movies, cult films, and are, I think, lesser known quotes from relatively recent movies (except for one or two giveaways). Heck, one of 'em might even be from a cartoon. I confess I probably won't be as quick on the draw as Jim is on announcing right or wrong, so you'll just have to deal with it.
He's probably trying to get back to his hotel. Only you can help him out!
(My best was 49 meters. Poor Jim is still asleep in the gutter.)
As most of you know Jim’s run off for a while to a wedding in Spokane. He hand picked the best writers on the internet the six knuckle heads that actually took the time to fill out the request. Using his powers of telepathy Jim could tell that you, the faithful Snooze Button Readers could miss him. So he sent me the photo* with a note scribbled on it (its in the extended entry and Not Work Safe) that I wanted to share with you.
I must warn you a bit though before you take a look at the photo that it’s a tad bit disturbing. I had always thought that Jim was joking when he said he looked like Matt LeBlanc**. And from his recent post an Argument for Creationism I had assumed he was a breast man (not that he had a pair). Well maybe he’s just fascinated will all facets of the human body since in his next post he was fixated with his ass. I just didn’t expect him to send us a photo with it on display (in red Manties no less).
So go ahead read the note Jim sent***, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Today is two for one!
INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
Continue in the extended entry for the rest of this humor and the second truly tasteless funny.
Kids if you've been paying attention this week we learned earlier from Victor that States can no longer ban out of state wine shipments.
Every seeking to help our reader in their daily lives The Snooze Crew™ set out on a mission to review the best screw top wines available. After several trips to the corner mini-mart we determined the results of this wine review site were accurate.
With the help of the wines mentioned in the review you too can drink any woman pretty; even her.
Hat Tip: Confederate Yankee for point out referring us to the Wine Review mentioned above.
Hello faithful SBD readers! I am one of the beloved Snooze Crew that has taken over in Jim's absence.
I had to beg for help on some ideas of what to write about here while Jim is gone, and someone gave me a stellar idea. Favorite Summertime Memories.
My Favorite Summertime Memory happened about 10 years ago when my eldest daughter was 5 years old.
For those interested in filling out applications:
Hello - we are a team of award winning producers working on a film for a major cable network about women's progress - as well as our "unfinished business" and dreams.We are currently seeking women in their mid-40's to 60's who might be interested in sharing their recent coming out stories on camera. We believe that, by focusing on the personal and workplace conflicts and concerns of women who recently came out, we can illuminate the important struggles, triumphs and hopes of the lesbian community and of courageous, individual women.
Sure they're looking for women, but I figured what the hell I'd apply too, I'm a Lesbian trapped in a mans body (so I'm half of what they're looking for).
If you're interested in filling applying, here's the contact information.
There that should help firm up Jim's standing in the gay community. No matter what anybody else says I’m here for ya boss.
Yesterday I wrote about my favorite cartoons, and I mentioned how I can't hear Wagner without thinking of What's Opera, Doc?
Right now, the classical station is playing The Barber of Seville, and I ain't a-thinking about Figaro and Rosina.
A good-ole-redneck boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the broken whiskey bottle glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, your bloodshot eyes, and all that blood in the bed, but, mostly.... it's all those band aids stuck on the mirror downstairs!"
But only if you answer this question: WWJD?*
*What Would Jim Do, dudes.
Man, I love me some cartoons, especially Tom & Jerry (pre-1955, please) and Wile E. Coyote. But my very favorite cartoons are two Bugs Bunny cartoons which are probably faves of yours, too: The Rabbit of Seville and my absolute favorite, What's Opera, Doc?
At work, I listen to a classical station, and you know what I've discovered? I can't hear anything by Wagner without thinkig of that cartoon.
Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit!
What do Britney Spears and Michael Jackson have in common?
My girlfriend and I have the unwritten rule of three-
This is, simply put- A free pass to sleep with three pre-agreed upon famous people should we ever get the chance. It’s a nice little semi-harmless exercise- We get to hoot, whistle and drool unabashedly in front of each other when any of the five chosen ones appear on TV.
Yes, I did say five. (More on that in a minute..)
From Da Professor comes word the Supremes have ruled states cannot ban direct out-of-state wine shipments. This fills me with joy, as I live in Maryland, one of those backwaters where direct wine sales are banned. Worse, I live in Montgomery County, which regulates the sale of alchohol out the wazzoo. OUT THE WAZZOO, I SAY!!!.
Cheap Mad Dog! Cheap Mad Dog! Man, my life is COMPLETE!
Fortunately I do know when I'll be back again. That would be next Monday. If you're expecting any posts from me before then, or on that Monday, or even the following Tuesday you'll likely be even more disappointed than you normally are when I actually post something.
So until Wednesday next I leave you in the competent capable enthusiastic hands of the Snooze Crew™:
I promised in my application to guest host I wouldn't start a comment party unless bribed by Harvey. Well Harvey hasn't bribed me yet, so I figured I'd host a TrackBack party, since we need something to track back to I figured an image would be a great idea. Now the only thing to ponder is the image.
Given Jim's preference for all things bird & boob (i.e.: the blue footed boobie) related I thought it best to go with a combination of both. So without further delay I present to you, Jim's purple hooter:
A picture of Jim's purple hooter is below in the extended entry and should be work safe.
I'm not a man of wealth, nor of taste. Believe you me.
My name is Victor, and I'm helping trash Jim's blog while he's away. In the likely event you're not one of the six or so people who read my blog, you have no idea who I am, so by way of introduction, I'd like to post my answers to Jim's Guest Blogger Application. I confess I filled it out pretty much because I like to fill out forms, and less because I wanted to guest blog here. I mean, take a look at my blog--I hardly ever post there.
Well Jim isn't actually leaving until the 17th; but since he said we could start posting I figured what better way to send him off than with a picture?
So in the extended entry, Jim said to post pictures that may not be work safe in the extended entry portion, I've posted a picture of a hairy pecker. And it's even from Washington State, which is even more fitting since Jim's headed to Spokane.
* The picture should be work safe; it's not the hairy pecker you're thinking of pervo.
Here's an interesting tidbit I found at Rhymes With Right. The animal shelter at PETA's Norfolk headquarters isn't a no-kill shelter. In the past five and a half years they've killed over 10,000 puppies and kitties (Figure doesn't include murders in 2005).
PETA had income of over $29,000,000 (that's TWENTY-NINE MILLION, in case you're having trouble with all of those zeros) last year. Obviously that wasn't enough to house the thousands of companion animals they killed. There must be something wrong with my math though because when I multiply 2,000 pets times $600 (average annual cost for a shelter to keep an animal) it comes out to way less than a single PETA advertising campaign.
There is no notice anywhere on PETA's website that they kill animals. There's lots of begging for money to save the animals though.
So donate to PETA and kill a kitten today!
Helen has a list of demands for the world at large. It's good stuff - mostly common sense things like having an option for a non-shedding cat (besides those nasty hairless ones, of course). I put a couple of my own in her comments but my brain has been on fire since then and has regurgitated its own list.
Dear World, the following are my demands:
* Stop making hot sauces turn my ass into a fiery red inferno of pain and bloody leakage the next day. I know back in the day that this was a mark of honor and gave me bragging rights to show off my consumption of deadly spices but these days I'm not showing off at all. Honest. I just like the taste and would like to enjoy it without the specter of a disintegrating colon hanging over my head.* Please throw whatever switch is needed in women's heads so they'll understand that it is not necessary to have any particular objective in mind in order to purchase a reciprocating saw. Having a reciprocating saw is self justifying just because it is.
The argument between the Creationists/Intelligent Design people and the Scientific/Many Pens in the Pocket community is a fiery and contentious thing. The battle is waged in the legislature, in school boards around the country and in uncountable online communities and their offline equivalent, Starbucks.
I always counted myself among the enlightened skeptics until this morning in the shower when I realized that there really did have to be something behind the design of the human body. There is one feature of the male body that is so perfectly designed for its use that the mere thought that it might have resulted from happenstance is simply ludicrous. One area that if it were even marginally different would have spelled the extinction of our race.
I speak of course of the male's lack of boobies. Imagine if you will a world where men had boobies. Men are unable to resist the draw of a boobie. We are genetically programmed to want to play with them (that's why they call them "fun bags" you know). We want to fondle them, jiggle them, wiggle them and squoosh them into a single virtual boobie with two nipples. Speaking of nipples, we have a serious fixation with manipulating those suckers too.
Imagine what things would be like if every man on the planet had a pair of boobies that they were allowed to play with at any time. No constructive work would ever be done. Meetings, already a bastion of inefficiency, would become a total farce as nobody would be paying attention except perhaps for a moment or two between sessions of fondling their boobies.
Sales of disposable razors would skyrocket though. Furry boobies are a major turn-off so most guys would be shaving their chests. That would of course add considerable time to a guy's morning routine. Not only the time spent shaving the boobies but the aftermath of the shaving itself. Seriously now, what do you think would happen when a guy was confronted by a well lathered set of boobies? Tardiness at work would be a huge problem.
It's obvious then that men don't have boobies for a reason. If the Creationists ever get a hold on this argument they'll easily win the whole debate.
The Governator is apparently in the shit-house with California Democrats because he can't get them to actually work on fixing the state's many problems and he is readying himself to *GASP* take the issues to the voters.
To me this seems eminently logical. I have two paths to completing my job. The preferred path isn't working. I take the other path.
This is not logical to the Democrat led state legislature. They feel that they cannot work with the Governator now since he has basically said he is willing to take things up with their bosses. Ummmm...wasn't it the not working with the Governator part that is forcing him to take things up with their bosses in the first place? So what's the loss here?
Dems: We're sorry. We know you mean well but we simply can't work with you on these initiatives to solve the massive financial problems that our programs have caused.Governator: Ah you sure? Ah would really lahk to work dis out wit you.
Dems: Yeah, we're sure. There's simply no way we are going to give up the ability to draw our own districts or limit spending in any way whatsoever and we feel very strongly that job security should be a reflection of time served, not some mythical ability to do a job. We are especially against the very concept that union leaders might need permission of union members in order to give us our kickbacks.
Governator: Dat's too bad. Ah will have to go to de voters den.
Dems: If you do that we won't work with you!
Governator: Vatever, little girly men.
No, I was wrong. I'm not really surprised at the Dems being pissed at him. He's trying to give workers a say on where their money goes, make job performance more important, limit spending and eliminate a politician's ability to decide who votes for him. Those things are the lifeblood of the liberal elite.
Worst of all, he's going to let actual voters decide on these things.
Gimme a free frosty ... bitch.
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
After I posted that editorial yesterday it put me in the mood to write another one. Today's is about general failings of today's schools and a glimse of the light at the end of the tunnel.
Then you've got to check out the newly redesigned IMAO. Catblogging taking to the Frankth degree.
He doesn't do it often but when he does it he does it sooo well.
At least that's what the chicks say.
I got some more information on GreenZap, the soon to launch alternative to eBay PayPal. They won't be using a percentage fee system like PayPal. It will be just a flat $1 fee to transfer funds. That means that any transfer or purchase over $28 will net more cash if you use GreenZap over PayPal.
And if you sign up before the launch using that nifty link in the first paragraph your account will start with $25 in it and I'll get a $5 finder's bonus. What's not to like about that?
I just figured this out and it is so cool I had to share it with all of you. Every word really does mean 'nads'. Just put it in the right context and BLAMMO, it's nads. Here's an example:
He missed the line drive and the ball smacked him right in the wall socket.
Now 'wall socket' doesn't ordinarily mean 'nads', right? Well, not in your everyday conversation anyway. But just by creating the imagery of a guy getting a line drive in the groin we've made a normally placid and harmless word mean 'nads'. Isn't that great?
Here's another one:
Never drive naked. Bob did that last Tuesday and got his block and tackle stuck to the seat.
Hee hee hee. I feel so naughty. I'll never think of pulleys the same way again.
Hey, wouldn't 'pulleys' be a good euphemism for wanking off? Just thought of that.
Sorry. Got sidetracked. Back to the nads. This is just the coolest thing. I'll be doing this for hours.
Go ahead. Try it for yourselves.
In February an editor from the Dallas Morning News contacted me requesting an editorial. I happily wrote one for them but they've never used it so I posted it at Zero Intelligence.
Go. Read. Enjoy.
Okay, I admit that there is a small possibility that it wasn't actually Bernie Mac who wouldn't even give the courtesy of "The Wave" when I let him out of the Arby's parking lot onto the highway. As a co-worker pointed out there's a high probability that Bernie Mac doesn't drive a beat up late model Oldsmobile. Then again if he's getting paid according to the acting ability he's displayed in recent films he just might be. The googly eyes were funny 10 years ago, Bernie. Now go buy yourself a new shtick.
Sure looked like him anyway.
- Towel dispensers placed high on the wall so when you reach up to them the water on your hands runs back down your arms. I've also noticed that the vast majority of paper dispensers are placed out of reach of kids. Don't we want these guys to learn basic hygiene?
- People who don't give you "The Wave" when you let them pull into traffic ahead of you. It's my right of way, buddy. The least you could do is give me a thank-you when I try to be nice and let you in.
- Pencils that are too short to use. Why do they put graphite all the way through them anyway?
- Office chairs with the tilt lever where the up/down lever is supposed to be. Purchasing agents should not be permitted to buy chairs unless they've sat in them.
- Cubicles set up so everybody passing by sees your screen. One of my projects has hush-hush elements and I'm getting paranoid every time I open up a document for it.
- Phones without caller ID. The Do Not Disturb setting works really well but there's no "Except for Boss1 or Boss2" setting.
- Whiny blog posts that are full of nothing except a list of annoyances.
So what's pissing you off today? Sound off in the comments.
I'm very happy to announce that I have a cadre of experienced motivated writers set to amuse and entertain you during my upcoming hiatus. For those of you unfamiliar with military parlance a "cadre" is, in this case, a half dozen. Unless you're talking about a baker's dozen, in which case a cadre is approximately 0.46153846153846153846153846153846 dozen. This is in no way related to "The Dozens", an urban game of insults dealing primarily with your mother. Yes, YOUR mother. It doesn't matter who's playing The Dozens, they're all talking about your mother.
Without further ado, allow me to introduce you to the Snooze Crew™:
We begin with frequent commenter and occasional SnoozeBob poster Diamond Dave. Dave's a local and I fear his FartBlast so he's in.Next up is Phin. He's new to Munuviana but not to blogging. Any man who needs to actually point out that he could whoop Aquaman's ass needs all of the support he can get.
Victor's been a blogneighbor for eons. Victor likes rats and swimming in ladies underwear. I mean he likes rats swimming in ladies underwear. Victor himself seldom, if ever, engages in ladies underwear swimming. With rats.
Denise's hobbies include tormenting me in my comments and having sex. That's a winning combination if I ever saw one.
The coveted number five position (not to be confused with "The reverse wheelbarrow" which is also position #5 but in an entirely different context) goes to Rob. Rob isn't Rob from Xset but a completely different Rob. To avoid confusion, close one eye when you read Rob's name.
Rounding out the
half dozen0.46153846153846153846153846153846 dozensix is vw bug who I think is blogrelated to me through some sick twisted chromosonal chicanery of Harvey's. I'm not sure what the laws are regarding cohabitating with blogcousins but I'll be out of the place while she's here so I think it's legal. Especially in Virginia.
Snooze Crew™, I'll be sending each of you an email with account and login information where needed and restraining orders where appropriate. Probably not until Monday though as this weekend is supposed to be exceptionally fine weather and I need to suck up as much of that as possible before we go to Spokane.
One more thing - I forgot to mention this in the application post but these are paid positions. These motivated volunteers will all be earning some Snooze Points for their efforts.
I saw this a while ago and was reminded of it by Claire.
English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 93% Expert!
You have a godlike intellect. You are a beacon unto the idiot masses who should fall at your feet in humble supplication in the forlorn hope that your benediction will raise them from their ignorant stupor. Please contact me for possible chromosonal exchange. *Wink* *Wink*
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!
To take the test, *click*
Ah...English. It's like a second language to me.
In a couple of weeks we'll be traveling to Spokane. I'm going to basically be on blog-hiatus for eight days. The Snooze gets bitchy and moody if I ignore it for more than a weekend so it is imperative that I find a couple of blogsitters. If you are interested in putting up some content while I'm off gallivanting just submit the following application* in the comments:
The rules:
- In the extended entry are quotes from 13 movies. Your job is to identify the movie that each quote came from.
- Guess as many times as you want, just don't get silly about it.
- First person to correctly guess each entry gets a point. If there are any left after 24 hours they are worth 2 points.
- As people guess the films I will strike out those entries and note who got it first.
- NO cheating!!! That means NO: Google, IMDb, searching my archives etc.!
The caption contest is complete!
Grand Prize: 5 points
*pop* *pfffffft*
Dafyd
First runner up: 3 points (selected by some chick wearing a wedding dress on a Greyhound bus in New Mexico)
In an effort to thwart terrorism in America's linen closets, the FBI has developed and trained a litter of Doberman Pincers with highly evolved camoflage.
shank
Second runner up: 2 points (Selected by all of the politicians who didn't travel on a lobbyist's dime. Both of them.)
The highly evolved chua-chua waits for its prey, the unsuspecting naked human. Little does the human know, its this chua-chua's snak time...
pylorns
Third runner up: 1 point (selected by the genetically enhanced hybrid pundit known as Ann Malkin)
This is what happens when you nag your husband about "Doing a load of laundry for once, and maybe give the dog a bath".
Rob
...NOT the brown wire with the yellow stripe.
We had some excitement at work yesterday. Around 2:30 our receptionist made an announcement along the lines of "If you discarded a black bag in the garbage can out front we REALLY need to talk with you. Please come to the front desk." I didn't think any more of it until I was outside catching a smoke with some building neighbors and the subject came up.
One of said neighbors was an agent of the ATF. They own two floors of our office building. The FBI offices are in the next building.
He was saying that they did have to take things like that seriously because they really did get things sent to them and threats made to them. Constantly. Several times a week in this office alone and the FBI had it worse.
Check this out! Snooze Button Dreams is a gay blog. No joke - I've been indexed by Spidergay.
Denis (the Spidergay webmaster) sent me a very nicely written form email to give me the good news. They hope that my "indexation will provide you with a greater number of GLBT Internet surfers". How sweet is that? I am now eagerly awaiting an influx of glibbet surfers.
And guess who didn't show up in a search of their directory? That's right. Snooze Button Dreams is more gay than Trey Givens.com. Boo ya! In your face, Trey!
They also include a handy one press link if I want a deindexation but forget that. Traffic is traffic.
Wednesday is starting out to be a pretty cool day.
UPDATE: Victor thinks it might have been this post that got me indexed. That would be ironic since I was first accused of hating gays due to that post.
The one for when somebody gets axed from their job because of their weblog? The name of the first person to get dumped on like that became the term for having it done to you. What's that word?
Well, whatever the hell the word is, it happened to 8 Z E R O 8. His is one of the blogs I found on that click exchange thing. What was the name of that thing? Damn, I'm bad with names today.
Anyway, he made it to the blogroll because he was funnier than me. For all of you who didn't know it, that's the only real requirement to get on my blogroll - just be more entertaining than me. Seriously, if I can entertain myself better than you can entertain me, what do I need you for? And remember, masturbation is entertainment so you have to be able to beat that. No pun intended.
Anywho...Somebody at his work ratted him out and they fired him. And that sucks big, huge amounts of vacuum.
Go visit, commiserate, spread the word, help him find a job, and click on his GoogleAds (no tipjar over there).
On the ride home yesterday my eye was caught by motion in the car to the right and a little bit in front of me. The passenger of said vehicle had just done a full head turn and was looking at me. The young, female passenger. Traffic separated us before I got more than a glance.
A minute or so later the traffic flow brought me back alongside them. This time driver and passenger both gave me a look. That's young, female driver and passenger. The young, female driver smiled. I smiled back and did the "Howdy" head nod. Traffic flow separated us again.
I know what you're thinking 'cause I was thinking the exact same thing. Visible booger, right? A quick check put the lie to that assumption. Next most obvious thing was to verify that I was indeed driving in my milk white mini-van. There's always the possibility I accidentally got into a Maserati when I left work and just hadn't realized. But no, I was definitely in the mini-van. Neither was I inadvertently shirtless, topped with messed up hair, nor obviously discolored by ink or food.
Traffic brought us alongside a couple more times until we both turned off in separate directions at the same intersection. Each time the girls would look over at me and the driver would have a big smile for me. With all other options eliminated I was forced to the only logical conclusion: I'm a hottie.
(Either that or they recognized me from the infamous cow pic.)
On Sunday we took the boys to Stone Mountain Park, our favorite place in all the outdoors. With the possible exception of just outside the carport in front of the burn barrel while drinking beers and tossing back vodka shots.
Where was I? Oh, yeah - Stone Mountain. We had the two boys from next door as well since their adults were off to Taladagua Taluhdagua Tailadaygua Talladega to watch redneck drive-bys NASCAR race. For those of you who don't know parent math, five boys are approximately four times as many as three boys after putting them through the "Outdoor Nature" algorithm and multiplying by the "Peer Impression" conversion factor.
They were suspiciously well behaved. I began to think that I had made an error in my math calculations. Perhaps I'd failed to carry the 1? We went to a classic car show in the fair grounds and the worst they did was an occasional touch of a highly polished muscle machine. I couldn't fault them too much for this as I myself was having a difficult time not rubbing my groin on some of those beauties.
The next stop was a ride on the SkyRider (aka sky-lift) to the top of the mountain. Again, they behaved almost frighteningly well. The only gaff here was Bear(5) walking into a puddle after being specifically told not to walk into a puddle (no extra socks or shoes on hand, otherwise we turn them loose). Maybe we didn't see their typical boyish terrorism up there simply because we didn't have enough time. It was right chilly on the top of the mountain, we had no coats, and the trip was aborted pretty quickly.
(Yanked from IMAO)
* Yes, I realize that the title has nothing to do with the entry. You try coming up with a title for a three word post.
[profanity alert]
I heard about this on NPR the other day and it pissed me off to no end.
The ivory-billed woodpecker, a magnificent bird long given up for extinct, has been sighted in the cypress and tupelo swamp of the Cache River National Wildlife Refuge in Arkansas, scientists announced yesterday.
That's not the part that pissed me off. I actually thought that was pretty cool.
Dr. John Fitzpatrick, director of the Cornell Lab of Ornithology, who led the effort to confirm the sightings, said at a news conference in Washington, "This is really the most spectacular creature we could imagine rediscovering."
That didn't piss me off either. I'm happy for the birders. This is like finding the holy grail for them and it really is an impressive looking bird.
The Nature Conservancy and other conservation groups have bought land in the region of the refuge to help preserve a larger area.
Nope, that didn't piss me off either. Private groups spending their money to preserve nature is okay in my book. People can do what they want with their money.
[Fitzpatrick] was joined by Interior Secretary Gale Norton, who announced that the agency, along with the Department of Agriculture, had proposed to spend $10 million of federal money for research, habitat protection and law enforcement efforts to protect the bird.
That's the one! What the fuck!? The government wants to spend $10fuckingmilliondollars to protect one damned bird? That's right - ONE bird was found. It took them an entire year to verify that ONE ivory-billed woodpecker was alive and they want to spend TEN MILLION DOLLARS on it!
What in the ever living fuck are these worthless shits thinking of? If people care enough about this bird then they'll pony up the cash to protect it. And guess what? They do care and they did pony up. The bird's habitat is already purchased and protected! By private organizations! The way it should be!
Damn, am I pissed!
(This rant spurred because I was reminded of this travesty by a post at I Hate My Cubicle)
We got some pretty terrible news yesterday. My dad was put in the hospital for a collapsed lung. More properly known as Spontaneous Pneumothorax, this is one of the recurring side effects of emphysema.
Emphysema destroys the elasticity of the lung walls and structures. The alvioli become rigid and weak and trap air instead of transferring it. Eventually an air sac will rupture allowing air to collect in the chest cavity and collapsing the lung. Treating pneumothorax involves cutting open the chest wall and sticking a tube inside. This lets the air escape and the lung will typically reinflate within a few days.
It is not a pleasant sensation.
Mom had a couple of ectomies to treat her cancer. Her sister (my auntie) is in her third or fourth remission after some seriously rude treatment. Grams and Nana both had emphysema. Lung cancer killed Dad's sister. Everybody smoked.
I guess it's time to wake up and smell the nicotine.
