Snooze Button Dreams
Snooze Button Dreams
Snooze Button Dreams
July 17, 2008
Hell No, We Won't Go.
(Category: Miscellaneous )

And I thought I hated moving:

A ‘vulnerable’ man cut off his own head with a chainsaw after being ordered to move out of his home to make way for developers, police believe.

David Phyall’s severed head was found beside the power tool inside his housing association flat shortly after receiving his eviction notice.

Vulnerable? Sweet baby Jesus. The icing on the cake is that his place was a total dump. I mean, if you're going to make your last stand, don't to it at this place:
apt.bmp

At least shoot for a Holiday Inn or maybe a nice rental by the beach. Which begs the discussion: If you could have any residence in the world, which one would be worth swallowing a running chainsaw?


Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
March 10, 2008
Go Ahead, Make My Day
(Category: Miscellaneous )

The Spinster mentioned something here about purchasing firearms, which reminded me that The Wife and I were discussing the very idea this weekend.

We're not big hunters, so the guns would be primarily for security purposes. We decided that if we were going to buy guns for personal safety, it doesn't make much sense unless you apply for a permit to conceal and carry your weapon. I mean, if your gun is at home in your safe, how can you possibly use it to protect you?

Neither one of us grew up in homes that owned guns, but several in my extended family own guns and hunt on a regular basis. I've been hunting on a couple occasions, and been to the range with them; so I have a familiarity in some respects. Maybe we're just a little paranoid, but you read some of the crazy shit that goes on and you think to yourself "If that shit happened to me, it would be really nice to have some protection."

Anyone have any advice on selecting a gun, a proper storage method (e.g., something secure, but easy to get to in the event that we need access in the middle of the night), and how to go about the process? I mean, what happens if you get pulled over for a routine traffic stop and you've got your gun in the glovebox? Are you supposed to inform the officer immediately or what?

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (6343) | TrackBack (0)
November 08, 2007
Dog Bites Man
(Category: Miscellaneous )

While the in-crowd of the blogosphere are salivating over this year's Weblog Awards, we at SBD have to settle for this:

cash advance

But hey, who wants to be caught up in another circle-jerk awards show right? Not us! It's okay though, we of the avant garde are used to being overlooked in our time.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
March 28, 2007
So, the prodigal son has returned
(Category: Miscellaneous )

And he comes out of the gate with the old favorite, “What have you had up your ass lately?”

I’ll admit it’s a solid, if not predictable, start. I fear he may follow up with what’s been up his ass, which at the very least includes a couple of male fingers.

So, what’s next? Any guesses?

Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
March 27, 2007
Drum roll please…
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Once there was a man. An incompetent, totally inept in all things, who decided to blog.

It was a train wreck in every possible way. Yet we could not look away. He stole material from me and just about everyone else. He’d steal ideas, links…you name it. He had no shame.

He became known, simply, as the king of suck. He got absolutely no respect.

He and I became ordained ministers on the Internet and then blasphemied all over the place simply because we needed material.

And one day this man disappeared. He left no note and no forwarding address. He was simply gone. Until today. He has risen from the ashes like the Phoenix.

SBD readers, please join me in welcoming the great Bloviator himself, Bill.

Go ahead, Bill. Stink the place up.

Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)
Stay Tuned
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I shall be making an announcement some time today that will rock the walls of this place.

Have I found the Templar gold?

Is Shank in jail?

All I can say is that it will make you laugh. Or cry. And probably make your bowels twitch.

The Clues:

1. The phoenix rises
2. Internet ordained
3. Rodney Dangerfield

Don’t touch that dial.

Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
February 14, 2007
Help Wanted: Makin' Moves
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Well, having made quite a run at the career thing in the recent years, I think I'm beginning to feel the sluggish effects of burnout. Well, I'm not sure if it's burnout or not, but I've recently gotten some acute feelings of frustration with the current system.

I've been doing project management all day everyday for a couple of years now, and it's beginning to lose its luster. The easy projects have become kind of boring (even though success is nice), and the larger projects have become tiresome even though they're not challenging. It's kind of like addition. We've all pretty much mastered addition, and if your job was to add; you'd find adding two numbers together all day to be intensely boring, and you'd find adding two hundred numbers together tiresome.

Current events have also further exacerbated my corporate malaise. The other day, someone two rungs above me on the ladder left the organization. My mentor, on the rung above mine, is moving into the position in the interim, with the clearly communicated goal of taking the position on full time. The upshot for me would be that should he get this new job, I'd probably have a decent shot at his old one. He and I have a very similar skillset, progression, and background. It'd be nice, because it would throw other tasks in with the project management. I'd still have some of the larger projects, but some of the piddly stuff would be left behind, and I'd get a helping of people management on my plate. I know, everyone bitches about people management; but it's something I need to get under my belt and it's a welcome change of pace. Besides, contrary to what evidence might be on this site, I'm actually pretty good at it.

However, it seems a monkey wrench has been thrown. My old mentor told me this morning that someone's already been shadowing him, learning his job. To make matters even more irritating, this person has only been here six months (as an intern-type position, no less), making this his very first job. The scuttlebutt is that he's somehow put himself in the good graces of the CEO, but scuttlebutt and a dollar might get you a cup of coffee. Even if it's true, acknowledging it in public will only mark you as a fool. To say the least, it's a hard pill to swallow; that someone with less experience has been plucked from obscurity to cut me out of the loop, possibly taking a position with more responsibility (and of course, pay) than my own. It seems like I'm about to get leap-frogged by a nepotist (nepotee?).

I'm meeting with my VP tomorrow, and I'm trying to collect my thoughts on this. I want to communicate my desire to take over some of the duties, but I think I'm going to play stupid on knowing who the shadow is, or that there's even any going on. Mostly because I pretty much always tend to play close to the vest when it comes to this stuff; but also because I've only been under this VP for a few months, and I'm unsure if I am trying to be kept here. I'll just explain the similarities between myself and my mentor, the need for variety in my workload, and a few of the other aspects that make me a logical fit. I'm assuming the Veep can't smell this coming, so the more clearly I think the conversation through, the more leverage I'll have when the time comes.

Anyone have any experience with this??

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
June 17, 2006
Everybody's favorite guilty pleasure
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Honestly...who doesn't like midget wrestling?

More midget wrestling videos can be found here.

Posted by Victor | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
June 14, 2006
The Drought Continues
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Since I have nothing of real value to offer:

Al Gore, renowned inventor of the Internet and part-time politician; has decided to take his brand of devastatingly sharp intellect into climatology. Where, apparently, he's been trumped by some people who - well - actually are climatologists.

And remember those debit cards that were handed out by FEMA to displaced Katrina evacuees? Turns out, more than a billion dollars-worth of that loot was spent on porn and debauchery. Sadly, some of us are not surprised.

In health news, head lice have evolved from a mere pest to a super-resistant organism. Hippies everywhere are being forced to either wash their hair, or get carried away by head lice the size of NFL linebackers. Yes folks, it seems Mother Nature herself has found a way to select hippies out of the gene pool - militant lice.

And even though this link is absolutely pointless, I just wanted to say that I can't wait for this woman to fall off the face of the Earth. Or at least walk into traffic and get railroaded by a flaming tanker truck. I mean, how is this even on CNN? She's newly single and this network decides that needs to go on their front page?

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
May 17, 2006
Random Joints
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Interesting article. The Saudi leaders are not only openly oppressing women in a way that the modern world hasn't seen in at least fifty years, but the government is also actively gagging the court of public opinion. Gotta love those Islamists; what a great group of guys.

You know, I hate to make broad generalizations, but I'd be willing to bet that monkey was asking for it. Seriously, you ever seen a monkey at the zoo that didn't strike you as at least a little annoying? And those bears were locked up with that little bastard day in and day out.

I was thinking the other day that the downfall of the blogosphere is probably going to be one of the things that has made it great in the past - its accessibility. In earlier years, not many people really 'got' this thing that would become the blogosphere. Some people were still unfamiliar with the Internet itself - let alone anything beyond AOL Instant messenger, email, or online shopping. Actually running your own website? Who knew how to do that? Didn't you need to learn one of those wacky programming languages to do that? Soon, however, the days of point and click web editors were upon us; and riding on their coat tails were open source templates.

The simple fact that I am blogging right now is testament to the argument that it's just become to damn easy for any idiot to set up a site.

But seriously, when the blogosphere was still a little inaccesible or at least too 'geeky' for most people it was at it's least polluted stage. There was discourse, courteous dialogue and the kind of reasonable debate that actually added value. These days, easily half of the comments left on political blogs (or even the blogs themselves) are simply verve. The kind of vitriol that amounts to verbal graffiti. Why have things changed? Mob mentality. There's so many people out there in today's blogosphere that it's hard to have open, polite arguments without some band of wingnuts hijacking the comment thread. I'm talking about the kinds of commenters that repeatedly attack the same blog, without ever really addressing the argument. You people fucking blow. You're like spammers; except spam's manufactured, automatic sort of uselessness is attributed to the fact that it's just a program someone is running. Wheras you guys actually choose to be one dimensional.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
May 09, 2006
Haiku
(Category: Miscellaneous )

To all the spammers,
May you find your end in Hell
Next to Carrot Top.
- - - - - - -

Boredom, like the sound
of snow falling around me,
comforts and quiets.

- - - - - - -
I suck at haiku,
hated poetry in school.
Today, I still do.
----
Hey, that last one rhymed. Maybe I'll go warm up some eggrolls.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
February 05, 2006
I rarely speak in this tongue
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Seattle denied a touchdown and the Steelers given a freebee.

That ref is a poxy cunt.*


*Poxy Cunt may be a registered trademark of Twenty Major.

P.S. It's good thing I can't draw cartoons.

Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
February 01, 2006
The Haunting
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I received an email this morning from a dear friend who believes his house is haunted. He’s shaken up about the whole affair. I know this man and his wife pretty well. Intelligent people. Guy’s got a physics degree or something of that ilk. He’s a rational man, and what’s more, he’s one of the few people I know who are mentally stable.

Anyway, he described some incidents that are certainly extraordinary. I know the house well and it’s not very old and the things he described were intriguing.

The email went to out to a small group of friends and I was surprised to find that some of them now BLAME ME for the haunting. First of all, I don’t know that I believe in hauntings. I’m the rational type. Until it happens to me—then I shriek like a little girl.

Continue reading "The Haunting"
Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)
January 31, 2006
It’s The Little Things That Make Life Sweet
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I just came into a bootleg Led Zeppelin concert from 1977 in Cleveland. The sound quality is pretty good. A good acoustic set and plenty from Physical Graffiti. There’s an especially hot version of Ten Years Gone.

Disc 1 :
The Song Remains the Same
The Rover
Nobody's Fault But Mine
In My Time of Dying
Since I've Been Loving You
No Quarter
Ten Years Gone

Disc 2 :
Battle of Evermore
Going to California
Black Country Woman
Bron Y Aur Stomp
White Summer/Black Mountain Side
Kashmir
Jimmy Page Guitar Solo
Stairway to Heaven
Rock n' Roll
Trampled Under Foot

I fully realize that most people couldn’t give a shit about this because it’s not some breathy thin-bearded boy band or a group of depressed, post modern indy songwriters, but, in the off chance that someone out there has taste, be aware that this thing is making the rounds.

Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
December 29, 2005
One line movie review
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Blue Velvet: On a scale from 1 to 10, this movie ranks as "Some seriously fucked up shit".

Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
December 13, 2005
CONFIRMED: I am a wimp
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Early yesterday evening I realized I was completely out of scotch. My wife was out Christmas shopping so I called her to ask if she would be kind enough to make a stop on the way home. She didn’t answer her cell phone. Since I was already undressed I was dreading the thought of having to go out and procure my own liquor.

At 6:30 PM she walked through the door, arms full of purchases. And I mean loaded down with bags full of stuff. I had two important questions to ask:

1. Will you please go buy me some scotch?
2. What the hell are you using for money?

I didn’t want to know the answer to number two so I asked about the scotch.

“I’ve just completed the Christmas shopping. It’s done. Finished. Without you going anywhere, do anything or even offering suggestions. Tonight completes a week long endeavor and I’m not going back out. Go get the rest of the shit from the car.”

I couldn’t really argue. I contributed nothing this year except the cash and I expect that ran out earlier in the week.

Then she added, “I’ll make you a deal.”

“What kind of deal?”

She pointed at me. “If you go to the liquor store dressed like that, I’ll do anything you want.”

I looked down at myself. I was wearing Snoopy pajama bottoms. Goofy looking, sky blue, ankle length pajama bottoms. Snoopy was printed all over them, wearing a nightcap and carrying a candle. I hate peanuts and I hate Snoopy…the origin of the things are another story.

To compliment the bottoms, I was wearing a wife beater and a pair of sad old slippers. I’m a pretty big guy (not fat) and I looked like a real asshole.

“What do you mean you’ll do anything I want?”

“Whatever weird, perverted, sexual thing that you’ve ever wanted but were afraid to ask for, I’ll do it. All you need to do is go to the liquor store dressed like that. Exactly like that. You can’t take the slippers off.”

I walked into the bedroom and put on some jeans. There was no way I was going out looking like that. Not to the liquor store I go to. I guess that makes me a wimp. That’s what I felt like. But you know, I really couldn’t think of anything that perverted we hadn’t already done. In hindsight, what I should have done was asked her to throw something out there on the table. I can't believe I let that get by me. Christ, I’m slipping.

Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBack (2)
December 09, 2005
Spreading a Little Sunshine
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I really appreciated the emails, trivial as they might seem. Today, I'm in an unsually good humor; probably because of all that light beer I drank last night. Turned me into a right pussy I'd imagine. At any rate, I decided to make a note of the folks who sent me Friday Greetings, and say a nice little blurb about them. I figure it's a nice thing to do (see! Unusually good humor. Odd), plus my blogging consultant once told me that "everyone likes to see their name in lights". Yes, I have a blogging consultant. I didn't develop from 20six.co.uk to SBD in a year because I'm charming (obviously), it's just good management.

Victor - Vic really loves rats. Granted, rats may seem a little grody to some of you, but a life without passion is no life at all. Besides, anyone who can set aside the social stigma and love the hell out of some rats probably ain't a bullshitter; and as Martha would say "That's a good thing." Now get over to his site and help him win a bucket of Iowa crap.

Tiffani - Tiffani is probably a hottie. With a name like Tiffani you just can't go wrong. Additionally, Tiffani leaves her work email attached to her comments, plus she puts her work signature at the bottom of her emails. Tiffani is an unabashed office blogger. A hot, (possibly) well-dressed, office blogger. I'd hit it.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (1)
November 15, 2005
Administrative Horse Poo
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Okay, so Jim was Snoozy enough to import all the old content from Id's Cage. For those of you not familiar, I suggest perusing the stuff. I highly recommend the categories 'How Many Beers', 'Goddamn Wedding', and 'The Cage'; though my faves are in the other ones. I can't remember though; I usually blog blind drunk.

Also, Paul and I are pretty engaging bloggers when we have the time, hence the game 'How Many Beers'. Of course, I've been toying with the idea of playing the game 'Murder, Marry, Fuck'; but we might have to come up with a new name for that one.

Another thing about the Id's Cage bloggers. We're full of it. I mean, just about every entry, unless it alludes to some current event in the news, is probably a good 75% bullshit, probably more in my case. I tend to have a pretty boring life, but a really cracked out imagination.

Okay, you get the idea. We're glad to be here, hope ya'll stick around. I'm outta here.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
November 10, 2005
Hmph. Stupid Meme.
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I, of course, got this...

You scored as Maximus. After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him.

Indiana Jones

75%

Maximus

75%

James Bond, Agent 007

71%

Captain Jack Sparrow

67%

Lara Croft

54%

William Wallace

46%

El Zorro

38%

The Terminator

33%

Batman, the Dark Knight

33%

The Amazing Spider-Man

29%

Neo, the "One"

25%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

Only a fricken 75% score too, but I like those two guys. I guess if I'm 75% Maximus and 75% Indiana Jones, that's like 150% head-stomping, smart-talking badass; right? Plus I got Jack Sparrow in there, talk about a one-in-a-million wingman. But Lara Croft? Dude, if I was more than half Lara Croft, I wouldn't leave the house. I mean, whether it was the upper half or the lower half, it wouldn't matter. I'd be at home playin' with my womanly parts.

And Paul got 100-fucking-percent Bond? I think he rigged that shit, the wily old coot.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (2)
November 09, 2005
Say what?
(Category: Miscellaneous )

So Paul added this dude TwentyMajor to the blogroll in Bills spot because Bill's once again fallen off the face of the Earth.

Twenty's a friggin' riot.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
November 08, 2005
Wooo!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Today was an absolute headspinner. Got up at 3am to pick the finacee up from work. Back home and in bed til 7am. Straight to work, where I finished up a backlog from last week's chest cold. Capital planning meeting at 10:30 across town that was attended by 1 architect, 1 VP, myself, and about four complete blockheads with either: 1) no vision whatsoever, and/or 2) a conflict of interest that runs deeper than a wide reciever who's contract is up. Stategy meeting at 1pm with another divison that was the complete opposite - tackling a much more complex debacle, and attended by folks with a better understanding of our future orientation. bolted from that meeting to my office where I completed some ASAP work that developed from it, then got my shit togeter to meet the tow truck guy back at the university at 4. Towed the heap to my garage, where it'll be ready for pickup tomorrow after work. Drove to the grocery store, picked up a twelver and a few other sundry items. Back home, refusing to move a muscle until tomorrow morning.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
November 04, 2005
Friday Blogging
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Friday blogging is not something many folks do. Traffic dies on Fridays, people start their weekends, the social aspect of the week begins that blogging satisfies during the droll work week.

Well, I like to blog on Fridays, and will continue to do so. Consider it the yardsale of the blogosphere. Hey, some of it might be junk, but some of it is just what folks are looking for. So sneak a peak every so often over here on Friday's, there just might be something for you.

Today - Normal vs Abnormal

Masturbation - Normal. Granted, I guess not everyone does it, but the majority of people do, making it normal.
Watching yourself in the mirror whilst doing so - Admittedly abnormal. I mean come on; what kind of narcissistic prick gets off on watching themselves at the apex of passion? No wonder you're single!


Conflict - Normal.
Seeking out Conflict - Abnormal. If you go around picking fights, you've obviously got some pent up anger from a conflict you didn't resolve (seek out?) in the past. Quit picking stupid fights and pick the one that matters

Idiots - Normal. As we all know, idiots are a part of life. Most people see them as a burden; we feel like we have to take care of idiots since they're too stupid to take care of themselves. I say, idiot's are God's comic relief for the rest of humanity. I say, fuck the stupid. We carry on and have them make their own way. That way, we can laugh, point, and hope they learn the rules of the game.
Geniuses - Abnormal. For some reason though, everyone seems to either 1) be one or 2) think they know one. This can't possibly be the case, because if there were that many geniuses in the world we would have half as many politicians.

Heterosexual - Normal.
Homosexual - Abnormal. Don't misunderstand me here. I'm not homophobe, nor am I in any fucking way someone who judges folks on their sexual orientation. I'm just saying it's a completey abnormal condition in natural history. Yes, given obtuse environmental conditions some species will become asexual or hemaphroditic. However, this is the exception to the exception to the rule; and we can't ignore the amazingly high incidence of homosexuality in the human species versus all other species in the world. It's absolutely staggering. It's a biological miracle (for those who believe homosexuality is a biological trait).

As always, this isn't about me putting shit out there to convince people or trying to assert my view on others. I'm just trying to encourage discussion. Think about all the things you think are normal, and then try to describe what it is that makes them normal. And don't give me this "Nothing's normal maaaan, it's all relative." I had a hippie friend in college that said that at least twice a week, and everytime he did so I'd piss on his toothbrush that very night. It's a cop-out for people who've given up on understanding the way they think. Anyways, if you really contemplate what it is that you and others consider normal, and then try to figure out how all that became accepted as normal, all this other shit comes out in the wash. It's like cutting a shark's stomach open and finding, amidst the fish bits and detritus, a hubcap from a '72 Granada.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
October 27, 2005
Tired
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I am so incredibly worn out. With all the developments in my personal and professional life lately, I feel like I've aged 10 years in the past ten months. School'll be over in May though; but it seems like an almost uphill battle until then. I did get quite the upper at work today when my director sideled up to me and said "Your promotion is in the works as. We. Speak." If I'd anything in me I'd have passed the fuck out. So, and I hate to bank on it here, it seems that things should work themselves out here in the immediate future. Hmm. I guess once you get the good job, and get married, and finish school - it seems to spool faster and faster. Cuz then there's a house, kids, bigger workload at the office, schools, etc., etc. Holy shit. And I'm already tired.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
October 25, 2005
This'll be Quick. UPDATED!!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

So, still busier than a motherfucker. I did, however, manage to come across something interesting today about Mr. George Galloway. You might remember the British politician and colossal jackass from such hits as 'Even the Labour Party Doesn't Aant My Crazy Ass', "It's All a Pack of Lies", and most recently, 'Okay, So Maybe It Wasn't All A Pack of Lies, But I Dare You to Try Me for Perjury!'. He's also written a book, aptly titled "I'm Not the Only One". I swear to you, that book is real, that's not a joke.

I assume the forward is written by Kofi Annan. Those fuckers. I'mma go get some beer and be right back. WOO!

update: My Rouge Dead Guy Ale, a movie buff if there ever was one, has just informed me that Galloway has signed on to star in a new production this summer; temporarily titled "I'm Going Upstate to Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison." Word has it, he'll be co-starring along side Saddam Hussein and "Punk'd" host Aston Kutcher. The latter of whom is apparently "Just along for the free ass-play".

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
October 24, 2005
Breaker Breaker!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

This is shank, over. I was BC'd on an email from my director to the VP, copy. Director supports the consideration of a raise for yours truly, over. I'm dug in behind enemy lines, pinned down by a wave of paperwork on the west and an entire night of school on the east, over. I don't know if I'm going to make it out alive. Haven't heard from Paul, and I fear the worst, over. If anyone gets this message, find him first, he blogs better. We can hold our own here on my end for a few more days, but we'll need reinforcements. I'll keep you posted as long as the batteries hold up and we're all here. Shank out.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
October 18, 2005
Mmmm... UPDATED!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

DSCF0007.JPG

The fiance went to Sam's Club tonight and found this monster bottle of Riesling. I don't know how she managed to drag this Moby Dick of Teutonic wines back to the house in her compact hatchback, but she did, God love 'er. I had my annual evaluation at work today, and things went well - so I deserve to finish this whole bottle. And when I do, so help me sweet Jesus, at about 11 tonight; I think I'll cork it and have it shipped to NOAA on the back of a flatbed towtruck so they can use it as an open ocean weather buoy.

Hey, I'm just givin' back, you know, from my immense bounty.

Update: Holy shit, we just passed 10,000 hits since June! As my two buddies used to say - Thanks for your support.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)
Goat Cheese and Gray Matter
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I can’t help but notice a shitload of spam in the comments. Shank is asleep at the switch.

Most of you are still using the paul@sanitys-edge email address and that will be dead by tomorrow or Wednesday. Please use the alternative. I would post it here but then I’ll be inundated with offers of cheap hard-on pills and penile enlargement doohickeys, neither of which interests me. If anybody knows how to do that thing with the code where your email address is on the page but in the source it looks like Latin vomit, please speak up and make yourself useful.

For some reason I can’t make a decent Bloody Mary. Either too much Worcestershire or not enough. I guess I’ll have to start actually measuring. I like to use Clamato instead of tomato juice and I add few shrimp so that’s kind of like a meal.

I’m debating going home for lunch and afternoon sex. And a Bloody Mary.

Did you know that Worcestershire sauce has a disputed history? You might also be interested knowing what that shit’s made out of, namely, vinegar, molasses, corn syrup, water, chilli peppers, soy sauce, pepper, tamarinds, anchovies, onions, shallots, cloves and garlic.

Lea & Perrins, the most popular brand also has a secret ingredient that purportedly gives it an extra kick. They’ve kept it a secret since 1837 and they’re pretty serious about it. According to their slow-ass loading web page, only three or four people know what the secret and it’s been broken up so that no one knows the whole recipe and it involves a lot of secret code words. It takes up to two years to make a bottle of Lea & Perrins and their website makes it all seem very romantic.

Tell me this ain’t good blogging.

The Bloody Mary itself has a distinguished history.

It was first mixed at Harry’s American Bar in Paris, a notorious Hemingway hangout. It was originally made with gin because back in the 20s vodka was not a very popular spirit. The originator took the recipe back to New York where hearty Americans insisted it was a pussified French drink and insisted on adding Tabasco.

Many speculate the concoction was named after Mary Tudor, daughter of Henry VIII who killed off just a shitload of her Protestant adversaries and became known as “Bloody Mary.” Others speculate it was named after a Chicago whore. Since I doubt that many 1920s bartenders were acquainted with the history of the House of Tudor, I’d have to go with the whore theory.

Regardless, it’s one hell of a versatile cocktail and I’d like to have me one as soon as possible.

Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
October 12, 2005
Phase two, wherein Paul has nothing
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Yeah, I’ve got nothing. And to make matters worse, Shank’s been poking me with a stick, albeit subtly, to make something happen. He’s becoming Col. Parker and I think he’s afraid I’ll die sitting on the toilet like Elvis.

Perhaps I exaggerate. He sent an email saying, “Hey, what’s up?” But I can read between the lines. He’s thinking that fucker hasn’t been producing. Well, I guess I can’t blame him there.

When this type of situation happens in my professional life, I’m full of articulate responses that generate the required effect even if they’re complete bullshit. Allow me to simulate them here:

Well, Shank, I’m glad to see you’re rallying the team, and it’s quite timely on your part, as I’ve just put together a proposal that I believe will push us over the top. One of my research teams has concluded that the font we’re using currently is not only unappealing, but subliminally conjures the image of complete ineptitude on our part. Furthermore, the blog is an odd color. It’s somewhat black and somewhat gray. It’s floating in the netherworld between these two colors. Again, as you’ll see from their upcoming report, the research team found that among men ages 24-36, 84% found the current background color “half-assed.”

Of women polled from the same age group, 73% found the background to be, in their words, “shitty.” How quickly can we get Design and IT into a meeting about this? Because frankly, I’m getting some calls from the top and I’m not sure how long I can pacify them.

That’s what I usually do at work. Here on the blog I can’t really do that. Here, because of my tenuous position, I must write something. If I don't come up with something soon I'll have to start making shit up about other bloggers and post it with feigned indignance.

Who wants to play How Many Beers?

Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (33) | TrackBack (0)
October 10, 2005
Trivia
(Category: Miscellaneous )

UPDATE: Results in the extended entry.

Another post in such a short time might give Victor and Tiffani a heart attack, but I'm willing to take that chance in my vain efforts to get all of you to dance like trained monkeys for me. That's just the sort of selfless fellow I am.

The trivia: What was the little circle doohickey called that you put in the hole of a 45 to play it on a standard record player spindle?

The payoff: 3 points to the person who knows the answer. Some more to the answer than most makes me giggle like a schoolgirl.

The restriction: No searching.*

* I'll do that when I check for the correct answer since I haven't the slightest clue what that thing is called**. Despite the fact that they were an everyday part of my life for two decades.

** Astute readers will interpret this in one of two ways. Either I've recognized this as a cool odd-ball trivia and am taking advantage of it to give out some points or, since I have to look up the correct answer eventually, I'm using the contest thing as a tool in my continual efforts to procrastinate in order to avoid looking up the answer for as long as humanly possible. It's probably a bit of each.

Continue reading "Trivia"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)
October 06, 2005
BlogMaintenance
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Added a few blogs to the blogroll becuase I visit them on a daily basis. Firstly A Small Victory. Michele runs an entertaining pop culture joint over there, but don't get her wrong. She used to be a pretty political blogger, and has quite a wit about her. Of the bloggers I'd screw, she'd be one of them. If she weren't married to some stud half her age. What a sexy bitch!

Secondly, Outer Life; a supremely written, interesting blog. The guy brings you right into his mind. If I could communicate like that, I'd have you bitches begging me for more.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
October 05, 2005
It's a miracle!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Jim has posted twice in one day! Granted, it's neither your usual bloggy goodness nor your usual bloggy gayness, but for right now, I'm happy with baby steps.

Posted by Victor | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
October 03, 2005
When Good Bathrooms Go Bad.
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I spent most of Friday night and the wee hours of Saturday morning sitting on the porch with a beer in hand, telling stories with friends while Ray Charles did his thing in the background. It was a helluva time, but it left me a little worse for the wear when I got up the next morning.

Usually, a crisp shower helps me regain something resembling composure, so I headed off towards the bathroom. Eyes barely open, I hobble in to the tub, pull the curtain, and start the water. I reached up to tilt the showerhead and point the stream of water further towards the back of the shower. Apparently, I am in such awesome physical condition, that with a mere flick of my wrist I can snap shit in two - because that's exactly what the shower head did. The collar that twists onto the pipe coming out of the wall just cracked from end to end. I muster the kind of garbled, incoherent swearing stereotypically attributed to someone suffering from a hangover.

Water begins spraying all over the place - on the walls and ceiling over the showerhead, in my face, over the curtain rod, everywhere. I'm still swearing, something like "Shitshitshitahhhfuckshitshit etc., and I've got my hands wrapped around the threaded collar to prevent it from spraying everywhere, but I realize immediately that it's exacerbating the situation. Not only can I NOT turn off the water (since both hands are on the leaking head) but the tiny gaps between my fingers and palms are only providing more holes for the damn water to spray out of. Good thing for me, this morning my brain is working as deftly as my rippling, PVC plastic wrending muscles. I lift my right foot up to the shower knob on the wall and try to push the nob down into the 'Off' position. I get my foot up there, and apply gentle pressure to the knob while my hands are wrapped over the shower head above. My left foot slips on the wet bathtub floor and I go airborne.

I guess the pressure I was applying to the knob couldn't be countered by the single foot I was standing on at the time. My left foot slipped forward, and the right foot that was pushing against the shower wall propels me backwards. My grip on the shower head turns the crack in the collar into a shatter, and the entire assembly comes off. We have one of those massage showerheads on a length of hose, so there's quite a lot of debris flying around at this point. When I realize I'm about to knock myself out on the tub floor and drown in my own bathwater, I do what only comes naturally - I reach out for the shower curtain to my left.

I'd like to take a moment here and just say: Yes, I know that was dumb. The second I reached out for the damn thing, I knew it was a dumb move. But I figured it was better than just enjoying the ride.

The curtain rod holds for a split second, my decent stalls, and the curtain in my fist swings just a little further left. Before it snaps. You know how shower curtain rods are - they're held in place by friction basically, braced against the bathroom wall. Well, I guess that slight swing to the left was enough to pull one of the ends out, and I finish the homestretch of my little morning decent. The rod comes clanging down, my ribcage its the rim of the tub, and I damn near knock my gord on the toilet seat. The pipe where the showerhead used to be is still spraying cold water, and the showerhead itself is wrapped around my arm. I groan. I just wanted a shower.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
September 23, 2005
And the Wheels Keep on Turnin'
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Well, the final presentation to our clients went off like a bomb. They really appreciated the work we put into it, and said our recommendations really opened their eyes to ways they can manage their growth. Right as I was leaving the president of the client company practically offered me a job. Even if he had been explicit I would have declined; my interests don't really lie in manufacturing right now. But I consider it a hell of a compliment. Apparently, our work is now in the running for some kind of collegiate prize. I'll stay hopeful, but I'm happy with the things we've acheived so far.

In November or so, I start my practicum. I'll be working with one of the residents at the hospital on building a strategic plan for one of the service lines at the hospital. It will take several months, but there's a lot of opportunity with this particular project, and I'm about thrilled with it. I've always wanted to get into strategy and now I've got the chance to really show my stuff.

I'm also putting together an application for an administrative residency at a regional health network. I would basically be working side by side with CEO/CFO/Strategic leaders for a year, and getting paid handsomely as well. The competition for these things is pretty stiff, but I'm confident that given the chance I can really be a viable contender at the least.

That is, if I ever develop the determination to stay past 3pm on a Friday. Have a good weekend biznatches!

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
September 19, 2005
Beyond Busy
(Category: Miscellaneous )

All day tomorrow I have a management skills retreat at a private location with my employer. There goes a day's work hey? In all seriousness I kind of prefer the boondoggle to the daily grind, but don't tell my director.

I'm not sure when we'll be finished at this little seminar, but at five I give a presentation to a client company I've been working with for over a year. I and a few of the crew from grad school have this moonlighting gig as consultants. Anyways, we're presenting the clients with our final findings and recommendations on how they should take the next step in managing their growth. It's exciting to be involved in the process, and I feel like our team knows their company almost as well as they do. I can't help but be afraid sometimes though; that we're going to present something to someone that they think is completely off the wall - at which point the entire pitch will come to a screeching halt, and we will be chased out of the office by a pitchfork-wielding, torch-waving board of directors. Sometimes it's hard to tell how personally business owners are going to take your advice. But this group seems to be on the same page with us. They're ready to grow, willing even, they just need something to help manage and control said change. Well, we'll see what happens tomorrow.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
September 06, 2005
Labor Day Weekend II
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Friday - Left work early as per my usual summer Friday ritual. ONe day, they'll fire me for it, but until then I persist. Went to the beach, surprisingly great conditions - four to five feet, clean sets. I tried not to suck at surfing for about an hour, gave up and went to the body board for the remainder. Met some friends for beer and pool later that night, closed the bar, fell into something soft (a bed? couch? closet floor?) sometime in the wee hours.

Saturday - Saturday morning and afternoon never really existed. I got out of bed just before five, cooked up some fine gourmet food for the woman and watched movies.

Sunday - Volleyball and beer from noon until about six. Then I had abrief work-related meeting. I don't remember it being to productive because I could only think about getting back to volleyball and beer, but somehow I finished everything I needed to. There was a return to youthful reverie (and not so much to volleyball) sometime around nine pm. I fell asleep in the car and woke up in my bed.

Monday - Minor housekeeping issues, catching up, preparing for the onslaught that will be the next four days. I have finally completed a keystone ananlysis and research project (hence the Sunday meeting of the minds) that I've been working on with a team for the past year or so; and will be beginning another six month project immediately after my presentation a week from now. So I took the time Monday to build up a little momentum for what should be an interesting few weeks.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
August 31, 2005
Carnival of Idiots
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Okay, I'm not sure how a blog carnival works, but I'm doing one of idiots. Post up links to or stories of the biggest idiots you've ever known; or maybe just idiots ripped from the headlines. There's the usual suspects like Cindy Sheehan, but here are some more:

People Blaming Katrina on Global Warming - Namely, these Germans and RFK Jr. You're all idiots. Glen ('Heh' yourself you pithy pundit you) and the NYT talk hurricane cycles and explain why you're stupid. I mean, other than the fact that you obviously suffer from a mental disease that disallows you to form logically based arguments and that you're probably too ignorant to find your way out of a wet paper bag with scissors in your hands. And a fucking map.

The lady at work who pulled her skirt down to show me her hugely disgusting belly, upon which she had tatooed a pixy. Very classy dear.

Bill. Because he's probably the only person on the internet who knows less about it than I do. It's lonely at the bottom isn't it buddy?

The cellphone=tumor people. You can put away your tinfoil hats and shit now; it's been debunked.

And of course, myself. Because what kind of idiot calls people out via the internet, and expects everyone to agree with him. You fool!

So yeah, if you know of any idiots, post links or trackback with your stories. It's Carnival time!

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
August 22, 2005
House cleaning
(Category: Miscellaneous )

First thing’s first. I added De to the main blogroll, because anybody who writes a post containing the line, "When i'm masturbating the only time i can come is if i have a lint brush stuck in my ass" certainly deserves to be there.

Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
August 19, 2005
Press Release
(Category: Miscellaneous )

So I hired a guy to do A&R for this website. I only post a few times a week, and I figured it would be nice if I could get someone in here to post as well. But I had standards, the blogger had to be good. The conventional wisdom was that I shouldn't bring on anyone better than me, but I'm lazy; so I was like fuck that, I'll bring on somebody good and I'll be associated with their goodness and people will come to my site. Lots of people, thus feeding the primeval urge of all bloggers: the hungry Sitemeter that lives deep inside of all of us.

So I was contacted by some well established talent looking for a new place to roost. Apparently there were some differences at their previous label, and this candidate was on the prowl as a free agent. I had known this particular blogger from around the way, so I went ahead and pushed the paperwork through legal and got everyone to sign on the dotted line.

I gotta say that there's really going to be something added to Id's Cage by having this particular person on the team. I even thought about changing the name; but the perpetual laziness put a stop to that idea ex post haste.

UPDATE: If you have purposefully not seen Wedding Crashers, I suggest you go to the doctor and get that stick up your ass surgically removed. Probably the funniest film I've seen in two or three years. I'm talking, striaght through, didn't even stop for the plotline funny. I mean, there's a plotline, they just didn't stop the funny for it. Classic.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
August 15, 2005
Why Do I do this to Myself?
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I bought a new leather belt yesterday, and it's just the tiniest bit stiff, so that the slack end of the belt sticks out from my waist when I wear it. It's somewhat annoying because it'll tap my wrist as I walk, or when I sit down the slack end gets a little fouled. Pretty easy fix, I just taped the slack end to the rest of the belt with a peice of clear scotch tape - very discrete.

So anyways, I just went to the bathroom to take a leak, and I had to take the scotch tape off to unfasten my belt. I try to flick it into the urinal, only to succeed in getting the tape stuck to my forefinger. I try to flick again, and it sticks back to my thumb. I heave an exasperated sigh, and try to roll it into a ball between my thumb and forefinger to reduce the sticky surface area. It's not quite into a ball shape but I try to flick it anyway and it sticks back to my pointer finger. Fuckall! I begin rapidly opening and closing my hand, like flicking with all fingers simultaneously, whipping my hand back at forth at the wrist standing there with my pants undone. I look like I'm strumming a furious air-guitar solo. Or maybe maybe I just look like I'm whacking it.

At any rate, the pesky ball of tape finally flits off, only to stick precariously to the lip of the urinal. I almost decide to leave it there, when I'm struck by an odd moment of ownership and accountability: I should at least flush it. What kind of twat sticks tape to the urinal right? Of course, I'm not touching the damn thing, so I use the sole of my show to kind of scrape it into the urinal bowl. It sticks to my shoe, for the love of CHRIST! I put my foot down, and decide to just piss and deal with this thing when I'm finished.

So I finish up, and now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to get this wad of tape off the bottom of my shoe. I certaintly can't touch it now that it's been on the urinal and the bathroom floor. I consider grabbing some paper towels to pick it off, but trash that idea. If the tape is wet with piss and godknowswhatelse from the bathroom floor, it'll soak right through the paper towels and my fingers'll be covered in the absorbed detritus.

I decide to just rub the sole of my shoe on the tiled floor, in hopes that a little friction will rub the tape off. I rub back and forth a few times, and that doesn't get it. I put all my weight on the toe of my shoe, and being to swing my leg back and forth, scrubbing the sole on the tiles. Dammit! Almost there. I grab a section of wall near the doorless entry to the main bathroom area for leverage, and really begin to rub the shit out of my sole. With some effort, I feel the tape roll out from underneath my toes, vitory! I check the bottom of my shoe and alas, the damn thing is stuck to the very tip of the toe of my shoe. I skim it across the corner of the wall, it falls off, and I stare down at my nemisis.

I figure maybe I should pick it up and throw it out.

Nah, fuck that.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
August 12, 2005
"Deliverance" through a twenty year-old filter
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Victor here, taking up the slack in Jim's blog while ignoring my own. Since it seems no one got the last stealth point (except for me) I thought I'd give you a quick summary of the Academy Award-nominated movie Deliverance, as remembered through a twenty+ year-old filter:

Ok. These four city guys go on a canoe trip down a river in Georgia or Alabama or West Virginia--someplace where there's a lot of hillbillies. One dude meets this weird-looking kid with a banjo so he pulls out his guitar and they play Dueling Banjos. Then the four guys go down the river some more, but they stop because Ned Beatty has to take a dump or something.

Ned is accosted by these two hillbillies (who, between the both of them, have about three teeth) who force him to undress, then they rape him while making him squeal like a pig. Then the four guys decide to hunt down the rapists. I remember one of them was using a bow and arrow, and I think one of them died, but that's about it. The End.

If you want the full, correct story, it might be best if you just bought it.

Posted by Victor | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
August 10, 2005
Hi. My Name is Shank. And I'm a Wimp.
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I have always had a fear of the dark. When I was a kid it was pretty intense, but these days it's more entertaining than debilitating.

It was kind of a weird fear feeling. I remember feeling surrounded by the unknown, but also feeling alone if that makes any sense. When I was a kid and I'd go camping or something, I always hated it at night. I'd try to keep myself busy, stick to the firelight and the latern. But the dark spaces between the campsite and the bathroom (if there was one) were always scary. And when there wasn't one, you had to go out into the dark and do your business right there in the thick of the unknown. Sometimes, walking back to the campsite with my little flashlight I could feel something chasing me. Before I knew it, I'd be sprinting through the woods towards the campsite, feeling whatever evil was chasing me right at my heels.

Even as a young adult it freaked me out. I remember one night in college driving along the Blue Ridge parkway with two other buddies, Nick and Russ. We parked at Price Lake and started walking the trail the wound it's way around the lake. We got about halfway back and it started to snow, so we sat and enjoyed the first dusting of the season. When we began our walk back to the car, I made sure to stay in the middle, Russ up front and Nick bringing up the rear. At least I'd have fair warning from either end if something lashed out of the thicket surrounding us and slashed someone's throat. About three quarters of the way back, I turned around laughing about something Russ said, and the guy behind me was gone. Russ didn't even get the words "Where'd Nick go?" out of his mouth before I was bounding full bore through the pitch black. I don't think I'd ever run that fast, and I was doing it in the dark along a trail pitted with large stones, and bulbous roots shooting back and forth across it.

As many politicians know, and historians warn, fear is contagious. It's an airborn virus with so many different strains that if someone displays the right one we all succumb; and that's exactly what Russ did. There we were, two practically grown men tearing ass through woods like a pair of horror movie floozies. We ran flat out all the way back to the truck, hopped in and sat there panting.
"Whered....Nick...."
"....Dunno....but fuck that..."
"Dude....you're such...a..pussy..."
"...Heh....whatever you say....billy badass..."
Then we spotted a light slowly bobbing through the trees near the trail head. We froze.
"Shit."
"Dude, start the friggin engine."
The light kept bobbing towards the end of the forest, I fumbled with the keys, looked up at the whateverthehell that was about to burst through the trees and eat us, slammed the key into the ignition and the car roared to life. I half expected the battery to be dead. I whipped the vehicle around so the headlights were pointing right at the trail head just in time to see Nick come sprinting out of the undergrowth.
"DUDE! Pick him up man!"
"Fuck yeah, get me the hell out of here."

We swung closer to Nick just in time to throw the door open, pull him and and peel the hell out of that place. Nick was in the backseat, panting and trying to say something. Russ and I were in a frenzy, bombarding him with questions: Did you get hacked by an axe murderer? Are you hurt? What the hell?
"Guys, pull over at the next turnout, I think I got bit by something."
I swerved off the road and Russ grabbed a flashlight while Nick clambered out of the backseat.
"Lemme SEE."
"Dude."
"What?"

Continue reading "Hi. My Name is Shank. And I'm a Wimp."
Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (2)
August 02, 2005
Remember that time...
(Category: Miscellaneous )

..You forgot to do laundry for like two weeks, and you came home to a pair of socks that were so overgrown with mold or bacterial colonies that they had actually begun evolving into a higher lifeform? That could teach itself the Charleston?

Well, this is what happens to your mind when it stagnates for 71 years. You put together a blog that exemplifies the most disgusting, rude, tactless bits of the human experience.

And it traxfixes the soul. Glad to have you back Bill!

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
July 31, 2005
Vacuum
(Category: Miscellaneous )

On Friday I got a call from my best friend. He's been in Costa Rica for about six months working on various sustainable development projects; the guy's like a brother to me. Anyways, we had a great weekend did all kinds of cool stuff.

But last night we watched the movies 'Million Dollar Baby' and 'Hotel Rwanda'. After such a great weekend, those movies were the ultimate buzzkill. Honestly, by the time I'd wasted five or six hours of my life watching those flicks; I was ready to go out in the backyard and fall on my sword. What a depressing couple of hours that was. I got up today and it's all rainy, I feel like I should check myself into a crisis center or something.

We decided to ditch out wedding reception plans at the parents house. IT was turning out to be lots of legwork and a real logistics nightmare. So I had to call the DJ back and re-book him. I'm sure he's fully convinced that we are by far the most clueless people he's ever done business with. Instead of doing it at my parent's house to save money, we're going to do the rehersal dinner at their place, pizza and beer most likely; and use the money we save on the rehersal dinner to pay for a better reception. Ah, who am I kidding, we'll probably end up using the extra money as a downpayment on a photographer. I mean, given what these wedding industry types charge, we should be able to work off our indentured servitude sometime shortly after Hillary's first term as President.

The funny thing is both she and I agree that eloping would be superior to planning a wedding like we are. But we talked about it, and decided that the whole point of us wanting to have a wedding is to share it with all the friends and family over the years who've meant anything to us. And if fulfilling that goal means spending lots of money on a big party, then fine. Those mothers better bring some good gifts and fat checks though. For real. No tickee no washee.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
July 21, 2005
Aw, She's Funny!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

The wee little lass is growing into her element. She's growing up and into something as awesome as we ever could've imagined!

On a side note, I think her and Jennifer could have high times. They're both so similar: intelligent, snarky, well read, but not impenetrable. Real people.

Here's to the ladies!

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
July 15, 2005
The Friday Blues
(Category: Miscellaneous )

One of the externs came in looking for Carol, the program coordinator. Apparently this poor bastard let her CNA license lapse. Her renewal application needs to be faxed to the state ASAP and she needs the hospital's DFS license number. So this young girl is looking at me all running off at the mouth about "Oh my gawsh! What am I going to do?!" Of course no one else is in the office because it's Friday. I have no fucking clue really what any of the stuff she's spouting means because I'm an analyst, but i decided to help her out, give her a few phone numbers of people to call.

Then she starts wanting me to let her borrow my phone, when there's one in Matt's office that he doesn't even use. I mean, it's like two steps away, and she was using it two minutes ago to call her mommy to bring her lunch or whatever it is that externs use a phone for. Then she starts getting all huffy and melodramatic about "Oh, what ever shall I do?"" and I'm thinking, "Well, for starters you could send your renewal application in before it's overdue, thus avoiding all this panting and using of my office space." I know, I'm an asshole, but don't come into my office asking for my help taking up my fucking time, and then when I try to help you with this situation you got yourself into that I know nothing about, give me the frowns because I can't bail you out. Welcome to the real world, where you pay the consequences for letting this kind of shit happen. This is not college anymore, I'm not running a daycare, and neither are the AA's in this office. I pray thee, get the fuck out.

Then this oldass volunteer comes in. Volunteers are, on a grand scale, slow to the point of having a handicap. That's why they volunteer, because no one would pay their ass to do anydamnthing, becuase it could be done quicker and cheaper by a trained flea circus. Anyways, she wants to know if she can take an inservice to renew her clinical license that probably lapsed sometime after the late pleistocene. She's so freaking old that her mind has gone, because she obviously thinks this is still where Human Resources is located. HR moved across the street two years ago people. Two years, let it go. So she asks her dumbass question and I basically tell her I have no fucking clue how to help her, that maybe she should fucking try HR. Ma'am. She replies as slow as her age-addled mind can muster, "O h, w h e r e t h e o l d g r o c e r y s t o r e u s e d t o b e?" Sure, whatever you say lady. You're two steps away from pushing a shopping cart full of someone else's garbage down the street and mumbling to your imaginary friends. I think it might be a little to late to consider a decision to re-enter the job market. It was the kind of day that just makes you want to slow down, take a deep satisfying breath, count to three, and yell "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFFFFIIIICE!!"

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
July 10, 2005
Guess What? I'm Fucking Complaining Again!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

You know, I'd rather be dead than be stupid. Stupid people are killing us, literally dragging us down. And I'm not talking about a socially stratified definition of stupid. I mean, I go to fucking grad school with people of all ages that I would consider to be complete fucking morons. And you know who you are!

I know people who know nothing but farming who're smarter than some of the fuckheads I work with. The sad part is that these idiot co-workers of mine think they've earned a place in academia. Fuck. You know, if I wasn't afraid of getting sued, I'd record audio from some of these numbnuts that qualified as graduate students and post it up here for all to see. There's this one fucknut who's got the IQ of a bushel of radishes. He's fucking RETARDED.

His stupidity is so....it... causes me so much stress that I can't think about anything except Gallagher and how much fun he had smashing watermelons with that fucking 20lb mallet. This guy is that big of an IDIOT. And it's not just me; just so you know. There's women old enough to be my mother in this MBA program, and even they express a yearning for the Gallagher mallet. That's when I KNOW you're officially a fucktard; when I'm not the only person who wants you dead.

Really though; the motherfuckin' icing on this shitcake is that this guy got a degree from a nationally recognized university. I'm talking about a college that has a stellar academic and athletic program. If I said the name, you people would be astounded. SLACK-JAWED even. And yet somehow this choad-for-brains managed to graduate and end up polluting MY fucking grad program! Jesus. Jesus fucking Mary and God for fucking saken Joseph. Yes. He is that stupid. Where the fuck do we find these people? Is the state running out of funding so much so that we have to let these retards into the colleges to get state income from their tuition?? STOP THE MADNESS!!!!

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
July 04, 2005
The Twilight Zone
(Category: Miscellaneous )

So the trip to Georgia was quite that. The place I went to is so small, that I couldn't mapquest it. So I googled it, and discovered that it's consistently mispelled, went back to mapquest and was able to locate it under its mispelled name. Ha!

The town has a population of 402, and no traffic lights. I take that back - there's a blinking yellow light somewhere on the main state road running through town. There's one store (a quick mart of some type), an elementary school, and a Methodist church. That's it man - nothing else. I have no fucking clue what those 402 people do to support themselves because there's no mechanics, repairmen, tradesmen, shops, retailers, industry, or any goddamn thing there. I figure they must take welfare checks or something.

Couldn't get cellphone reception out there either. Not that I was expecting a call or anything, but with that fucking dusche running around TV asking "Can ya hear me now? How 'bout now?", acting like you can get cell reception all over the place; you'd think they'd be able to follow through. If I ever see that prick out and about I'm shoving that phone in his ass and shouting "How 'bout now bitch!"

Pumped my great uncle for info on the war. Not interested necesarily in the history, just think primary sources are absolutley amazing. And for a guy who's eighty some-odd years old, that mofo can ratchet-jaw all day long. I mean, I asked him about the war, and three hours later I came out of my trance and he was still talking about how he and his buddies would weasel out of 20-mile radius vacation leave.

And just in case someone is planning to make Screven County, Georgia a vacation destination anytime soon I have a few pieces of advice. Firstly, bring something to do, because there ain't jack shit to do unless you enjoy watching grass grow. I mean, even if you wanted to do something, you couldn't because you're so far away from everything that it would take you five hours just to drive somewhere where there was something to do. Second, bring bug spray. And by that I mean call Orkin and have them hook you up with whatever they have in the way of immunizations, because the mosquitoes are so damn big they can screw chickens standing flat-footed. I saw the shit, but couldn't get the digicam in time.

And finally, I need to impart some knowledge I gained while on vacation. This is important too, so pay attention. Dogs can eat chocolate. Everyone always says not to let the dog eat chocolate because apparently it makes their hearts explode or some shit. This weekend, my cousin's lab mix knocked a two-layer double chocolate cake off the buffet table, and ate more than half of that son of a bitch. That dog ate more cake than I could eat in one sitting, and took it like a champ. Fuck, I bet there's a majority of people out there that couldn't eat as much chocolate as this dog did without getting sick. The fucker didn't barf, moan, or anything. Matter of fact, I think she took a nap. We weren't even in the house when she did it, so she had the opportunity to eat as much of that cake as she possibly could. Amazing.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
July 01, 2005
Fourth of July
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Driving down to Georgia for the 4th. My grandmother grew up in a tiny farmhouse in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere near the South Carolina border. When her mom died, her brother kept the house. About ten years ago, my dad's cousin bought the house right next to it. We've been having 4th of July get togethers there for longer than I or my parents have been alive.

It's an abnormal place. The town is too small for a traffic light, a grocery store, or even a McDonald's; but it has it's own cemetery. The forecast is mid 90's and humid, with a 20-30% chance of a thunderstorm everyday. There's not much to do in the modern sense of the phrase; but I do plan on seeing if I can milk a few odd stories from some of the old folks.

I like old people. They're the best kind of historians - primary sources with personal bias.

We've got to drive through South Carolina, the Mecca of imported explosives, to get there. I plan on spending a good one or two hundred bucks on the good stuff that's illegal at home and in Georgia. Hey, blowing stuff up is a human past time. Thinking of taking the camera along and doing some kind of montage when I get back. Huzzah bitches!

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
June 28, 2005
Quality Assurance Specialist needed
(Category: Miscellaneous )

This is an insider position at the moment as it won't be posted until I actually leave the slot. If you have experience with software QA and are interested in the position let me know.

Incidentally, I know this site sucks lately. Two reasons. First, I'm hella busy at work and work thoughts have been intruding upon my normal stream of consciousness. That's the background brain noise that writes the stuff that I regurgitate for your reading pleasure. Things will settle down once we've got our new processes defined (yeah, I'm part of the three person team defining our PQA process - sweet, eh?) and fill out the holes in the team. That should be settled in the next couple of weeks. Second, I made the mistake of reinstalling Medieval: Total War. Yeah, I know. I must have accidentally doubled up on my stupid pills that day. I think I'll be done with it as soon as my Spaniards finish annihilating all of Africa and the Middle East.

Almost forgot! I do get a finder's fee if I refer a person who gets a job here so that dinner offer is a definite thing if you can fill out one of the open positions.

Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (16) | TrackBack (0)
June 27, 2005
Project Manager needed
(Category: Miscellaneous )

We've got two PM positions open. One is mine! Back off! Don't make me cut you.

The other one is open to applications. If you're interested in a PM job and willing to work with me (I'm sure there's some form of salary compensation for that) let me know and I'll send you the particulars.

If I get a finder's fee I'll even take you out to dinner.

Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
June 17, 2005
Best Meme Ever. EVER.
(Category: Miscellaneous )

This meme is too damn good. Thanks to Jim at Snoozebutton for bringing it to my attnetion.

1) Has your father the cheerfulness which is known you?
I was born a poor black child...

3) It is many the dog and the cat it spreads out how, it has?
I'm pretty sure that's illegal though.

4) How many licks it adopts obtains to the tootsie popular music center?
Actually, I prefer a slurpee when someone's going downtown.

5)If I enter mine pinky finger you in the mother, hoped I arrive exhaust together with the thunderclap sound?
My mechanic friend actually thinks it's the cylinder walls, but I gotta say you need to get the plugs checked friend.

How it works:
1) When you post this on your blog get rid of the first question, bump up all the numbers and make a new question for #5. In other words, you are going to be answering your own question #5 and not answering my question #1.

2) You make a new question by writing it in English, translating it to a foreign tongue, and then translating it back to English. Don't tell anybody what the actual original question was.

3) Trackback to this post or return here to make a comment and let me know where you are because I'm keen on seeing what y'all come up with.

4) Make sure to trackback/comment to the person you snagged this from too because they're going to want to see how you answer their question #5. Responses to the Engrish questions are hillarious when you know what the original English was.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (0)
Since we're on the subject...
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Talk about you're pooping on high. Damn. Those people must've really wanted som solitude.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (0)
Jim? Jim's still not here.
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Well. Jim has told us why he's not here ("Just been flat out busy, y'all.") and promises he, like MacArthur, shall return ("I shall return."). I have no idea what to make of the mild curse ("Dang.") because I can't tell if he's upset because he hasn't posted, because he's flat out busy, because someone else is posting on his site, or if it's just a general exclamation of frustration. Who really knows?

Besides Jim, I mean.

Then there're the threats by some BlogSnot poseur going by my old nickname of Wolf (that was the nickname I had before Bunny, for what it's worth), who promises he will, "have (Jim's) goddamned Charter pulled," which is amazing to me because the only person who can pull Jim's "charter" is his LW, though Jim just might let Wolf pull his charter since he has one of the gayest blogs around.

That is, of course, between Jim and Wolf. Anyhoo.

Due to the underwhelming reaction to my last movie offering, I've decided a different, shorter one is in order. I hope you all enjoy the late '60's PSA VD is for Everybody as much as I did.

Posted by Victor | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
June 16, 2005
Jim? Jim's not here.
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Before anyone starts asking the Snooze CrewTM why Jim isn't posting, I'll answer: We don't know. Jim may be a benevolent God, but he doesn't tell us everything. I suspect he's just being Fashionably Late with his next post.

In the meantime, for all those waiting patiently for some Bloggy Goodness from Jim, I invite you to watch this short film, Squeak the Squirrel, about a cute little squirrel who perseveres (and suceeds!) despite all of the obstacles put in his way by The ManTM.

Posted by Victor | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
June 15, 2005
I Poop on High.
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I can't drop a deuce in any of the bathrooms at work except the one on the topmost floor.

The other bathrooms see lots of traffic; I can't concentrate or relax enough in that kind of environment to get comfortable enough to drop trow. I don't know if anyone of you out there has ever had to take a hurried shit, but they suck. There's nothing worse than being in a pressurized situation, having to coax a stubborn log out of your bum. It's the worst ever. So I can't use these bathrooms that have constant people going in and out.

The other bathrooms are much dirtier than the top floor units too. I think that's probably mostly due to the traffic thing; but they're also a little newer. And the ones on the top floor are the most spacious; with these big windows that look down over the city. A man can really relax and get some shitting done in there. It's peaceful. And that's what I need out of a good bathroom. Tranquility.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (3)
June 12, 2005
What's in a Title?
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Many thanks to Dave (Oorgo.mu.nu) for cleaning up this goddamn dustbin. I'll keep you on as an author Oorg, so just come and go as you please.

Spent the weekend trying to surf the six foot swells rolling in. There's nothing like getting up early to go to the beach and getting slammed for a few hours. It was quite possibly the hardest paddle I've had to do in a while. I mean, the current around here gets bad in late summer, but the breakers were nuts this weekend. It was more of a workout than anything else. It's one of those lessons that we all need to be reminded of though. Sometimes, no matter how strong you think you are or how great your experience base may be; ther'es nothing you can do but just go with the flow. I ended up paddling out in the rip current and then across to find my place in the lineup.

Father's Day is coming up. My immediate family is a big deal to me. I don't say it to them that often because we're not that kind of family, but they're awesome. Some of my extended relatives are more of a standing joke to us, but my parents and brothers and sisters are awesome. If you fuck with them bitch, you're gonna get it; and I'mma be the one givin' it to ya.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (0)
June 10, 2005
Mmmm friiiiday
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Came home from work. Drank beers. Fucked with website. G/f came home. Drove to beach. Water, surfing, beer, came home. Shower, beer, grilling steaks and twice baked potatoes.

Life is good.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (0)
and now when you click
(Category: Miscellaneous )

and now when you click on the permalink it gives a 404 not found message. I fucking hate computers.

You know, I do have some redeemable qualities though, I swear. Just ask Paul. I'm good with anything that runs on gasoline and has four wheels. I've helped him out on some car-related issues. I like doing that kind of shit. There's something about a machine so precise that makes it easy to understand and manipulate. There are a series of inputs, some physical and environmental constriants, and these produce a series of outputs. You can change the inputs and constraites to produce all kinds of outputs from one engine platform. It's fugging awesome right?

I'm also a great outside the box thinker. And by great I mean, if someone at work presents a problem to me, I can come up with at least two viable solutions within the first minute or so. Give me a day to think about it, and I'll have some more, give me a week, and I'll have a flow chart for a completely integratable process that will not only solve the problem at hand, but grow and expand as needed. It's just the way I am. My old man says I should've been an engineer; somedays I think he's right (uh-gan); and sometimes I notice there's a lot of engineering that goes on in business that people ignore.

Another thing I'm good at is making people laugh. Seriously, it goes over much better in person, I promise. If I didn't know how to make people laugh, I probably never would have gotten laid or gotten a real job. So yeah, thank god for that.

But web editing? Nope. Definitely suck there.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (4)
I suck at the internet
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Okay whew, blogging sucks man. If you people knew the trouble I went to just to please you. I talked to Oorgo about getting this place all situated and pretty looking. he was great help, so I just tried cutting and pasting some templates right? I forgot the key fundamental - I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a web editor because I'm a complete FUCKTARD.

So after like an hour of displaying gabrled sdfS(sdf"SD{s}dgS{g shit like that, I just went and got a default template. Hey, I'm an idiot, and having a pre-written template is a small price to pay you know?

Still haven't figured out how to get a blogroll going. This is really labor intesive dammit. I already have a million other things to do. I wish I could just blog away without having to worry about all this crap.

Update, how do I catgeorize shit on the sidebar? I've already set up a few categories, and clicked it to archive by category, but they won't show up. Moveable type? More like Doodooable HYPE. Well, that and I'm a retard.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (0)
If the formatting around here
(Category: Miscellaneous )

If the formatting around here is going nuts for the next few days, it's not that I'm still moving in, it's just that you've finally lost your mind.

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (1)
June 03, 2005
The Friday Meme
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Here's a meme for that ass:

1. Total Number of Books I’ve Owned:
Hahaha, aside from text books, auto shop manuals, or other reference material? Hmmmm..Let's see, four...12...carry the 3...would bring us to a grand total of five:
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, Adrift by Steven Callahan (great story written by the man who spent the most time alone at sea and survived. He designs life rafts now. How intuitive.), two Thoreau's and an Emerson. It's not that I don't own many books, it's just that most of them are rather utilitarian; that is to say - the only reason I ever read them is because it is neccesary.

2. Last Book I Bought:
Jesus, it was probably one of the myriad 'neccesity' reads; but I did register for an Hemingway anthology for my wedding. I've not read too many of his stories or novels, but I've read about his life. I can't wait to see what his books are like.

3. Last Book I Read:
I did read a shit ton of Dan Brown recently (Angels & Demons, DaVinci Code, Deception Point) because I find the plot lines and pseudo history very intriguing. But that was like last summer. I don't know if I've read any books since then. Mostly I read newsmedia, blogs, short fiction, and reference books.

4. Five Books That Mean a Lot to Me:
I grew up really enjoying The Outsiders. I must have thumbed through that little bastard ten times before I was 15. It's the first book I ever truly appreciated.
I've always enjoyed religious texts. I have a couple copies of the Bible, A Book of Mormon, and a few others. I love sitting there and reading them together. I think religious texts are some of the most misunderstood novels in the history of great writing.
And I love my Thoreau and Emerson. That's about it really. These handful are the only ones I've read more than once.

5. Tag five people and have them do this on their blog.
Sheeeeeiiit, I tag yo mama lasz ni-eet!

Posted by Pixy Misa | Permalink | Comments (0)
Our benevolent dictator
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Jim's such a benevolent dictator if he wins the lottery he's going to buy us all a big ass present. I am super grateful and don't want to come across as an ingrate, so if he wins I'm hoping he'll use part of the money he would have otherwise spent on me to have Xzibit and MTV Pimp His Ride.

That's right, it'd no longer be a Milk White Mini-Van for my Boy.
He'd be pimptastic cruisin' in this ride:

Posted by phin | Permalink | Comments (3)
June 02, 2005
I want to buy you each a big-ass present
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Unfortunately we didn't budget for that this year. But hope is not lost! The Georgia Lottery (well, one of the Georgia lotteries - we have more state sponsored gambling here than Nevada) is over $100 million and if I can scrounge together a dollar I plan on winning it.

I figure that after taxes, setting up college funds, leveling and rebuilding our house, buying yachts and cars and "personal appliances", binging, parties and all that other standard stuff is complete I'll have a cool hundred grand left to blow on my fans. I figure I'll spend $2,000 each on my fifty most motivated readers.

So sound off on what you want for your present. Lurkers, this is a great time to speak up. With palimony suits what they are these days, this is likely legally binding.

And what the heck - in the off chance that I don't win the lottery I'll give out some points to the best gift ideas in each category. Categories to be announced later - I don't want to unduly influence your selections.

Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (18)
May 23, 2005
A memo from the boss
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Apparently my behavior at work hasn't been up to par as of late (the past five years). I received a memo, via e-mail, of things I'm no longer allowed to do at work. I'm not sure if I should read too much into this, as it's probably my boss's idea of a joke. But he's serious it's going to be awfully dull around here.

The List:

  • Leave open cans of potted meat or sardines in the boss's office; I was only offering him a mid-day snack.
  • Set the "On Hold" Music to the Llama Song.
  • Fill the boss's desk drawers with Styrofoam packing peanuts.
  • Set the boss's computer up with a Barbie, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Fraggle Rock or Muppets Themes.

Continue reading "A memo from the boss"
Posted by phin | Permalink | Comments (5)
May 16, 2005
The rule of three
(Category: Miscellaneous )

My girlfriend and I have the unwritten rule of three-

This is, simply put- A free pass to sleep with three pre-agreed upon famous people should we ever get the chance. It’s a nice little semi-harmless exercise- We get to hoot, whistle and drool unabashedly in front of each other when any of the five chosen ones appear on TV.
Yes, I did say five. (More on that in a minute..)

Continue reading "The rule of three"
Posted by Rob P | Permalink | Comments (4)
August 05, 2004
The pimpees keep getting dumber and dumber
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I'm pretty used to getting a couple of comments a week on the original Pimp My Ride post. What's surprised me in the past week or so are comments asking me to pimp somebody's ride and these comments are actually on Pimp My Ride posts that ridicule people for asking me to pimp their rides.

How.Stupid.Are.These.People?

As they didn't follow the established form and they commented on different posts I'll follow their leads and give some freeform responses.

Name: mikime jackson

mtv please pimp my ride my sitter have a old jeep she got for collage in it got no radio, the handle to the were you put it in park and drive is broken off, the back seats are kinda dirty, the air dont work, and the platic windows keep comming off. the zippers are to rusty so they wont zip up. please please please pimp my ride zip code xxxxx galevston 7200 xxxxxx lane apt#xxxx

Mikime lives in 'galevston', which I believe is in Texas. If anybody from Texas is reading here, please go smack Mikime in the head. Thanks.

Continue reading "The pimpees keep getting dumber and dumber"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (6)
August 03, 2004
Chock full of crunchy nutty goodness!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Jesus Mohamed was a streetie we encountered occasionally on our treks through Berkeley. Jesus Mohamed wore a natty robe and not much else and he SPOKE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. He was VERY CONCERNED about the environment and the fact that we young people DID NOT GIVE A RIP. He had MANY PLANS to save the world, if only the TEACHERS AND RICH PEOPLE would listen to him.

Why do I mention Jesus Mohamed here? Well, apparently he figured out how to use a computer because this nut who wants me to Pimp his Ride sounds exactly like him. The 'ride' in question is his wheelchair. Wouldn't it be freaky if this really was him? Maybe a few years ago he got hit by a car so he's in a wheelchair now. Maybe the kindly tree huggers out there in Berkeley took pity on the poor soul, brought him to the library and showed him how to use the computer so he could share his message with the world instead of just the Navy pukes on their way to dorm parties where they would steal away all of the hot co-eds from the hemp sandal guys.

In any case, I can't take the chance of being polite to this guy. As there's an outside chance that it's really Jesus Mohamed I have a tradition to uphold. His incredibly long and rambling messages are in the extended entry. Due to their length and general meaninglessness (is that a word? it should be) I've summarized for him:

From: Terral Green

PEOPLE CALL,ME THE THINKER,BECAUSE I,THINK A,LOT,,,,I AM,A,VET,THE,MILITARY,KIND NOT THE ANIMAL KIND I LOVE ANIMALS I HAVE THOUGHT OF 46 THINGS BUT THE RICH PEOPLE WONT LISTEN,TO ME I RUN THE SYSTEM I WORKED,TWO JOBS,BUT,AM,NOW DISABLED VET,I WANT TO BUILD A CASKET,OUT,OF,GARBAGE,SO OUR KIDS WILL BE HEALTHY,BIG CO LIKE JCPENNY AND USATODAY WON'T DO IT,,,,PIMP MY RIDE IT IS A WHEEL,CHAIR,THANKS,,,THE STORY IS I AM DISABLED I WAS HIT BY A DRUNK DRIVER AND DECAPITATED AND DIED IT WAS OUT OF BODY I MET GOD,PIMP MY WHEEL CHAIR,THANKS,,,,THE THINKER

To which there's really only one applicable response:

From: Xzibit
Subject: Home BOY! What you up to?

Jesus Mohamed, is dat you? I know it you, doggggg!! It's Smappy Mo-D here. You remember me, right? We used to hang out in the grounder park in Berkeley when the punks from the university tried to chase us down, remember? Used to pick lice outta each other's hair and shit? Good times, homey. Good times.

So what you up to now? You said you a Crip now? Man, I hang with the Bloods so I don't know if we can hook up if you know what I'm saying. Can't be having no Cripples on the show neither no how. We owned by AOL and they don't tolerate any of that handi-capable stuff. Prime beef only. Dongs and Hos, know what I'm saying? Can't be showing no ugliflesh on America's channel.

You still in contact with that bitch what wore the tank top and plastic flip-flops all the time? Man, she ran off wit my burrito once. I still wanna find that skank and show her what that burrito meant to me. Never should have married that ho, I tell you what.

Take care homey and don't be a stranger. With email I mean - don't you fuckin come within a state of me in the real world. I got a gat and a posse now. I'm just sayin.

Peace, out!
Xzibit

Is Terral Green really Jesus Mohammed? If not, will Jim be able to determine which of them is more insane? Stay tuned to find out!

Continue reading "Chock full of crunchy nutty goodness!"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (1)
July 19, 2004
Xzibit ain't no fool
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Looks like some people think ol' Xzibit is a bit on the stupid side. I've received a slew of fake messages over the past couple days. You know what that means, right? Yup. Gloves are off.

The first idjit:

From: matthew ludescher

I HAVE SEEN THIS WONDERFUL PROGRAM AND WOULD LIKE
TO SEE IF I QUALIFY. I'M 44 AND I AM DYSLEXIC AND
THIS MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO FIND A GOOD JOB.
AS I CANNOT READ OR WRITE.
I'M A GOOD COMPUTER TECHNICIAN AND MY FRIEND
DARRELL SMITH IS HELPING ME WRITE THIS LETTER.
I HAVE A 1982 CHEVROLET VAN THAT NEEDS SOME PIMP
LOVE.
IF YOU CAN HELP ME, I WOULD BE BLESSED.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CARING SHOW.
YOU ARE TRULY GOOD PEOPLE IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.
LOVE
MATT

Ah, yes. The dyslexic computer technician story. Haven't we all heard this before? Actually, after dealing with some customer service lines I can readily believe that the people manning them are illiterate. But this guy is a fake so he gets this:

Continue reading "Xzibit ain't no fool"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (4)
July 12, 2004
It's actually spelled "Xzibit"!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Wow! All this time and all this correspondence and I was spelling my own impersonated name incorrectly. Special thanks to Kimberly/sapphire for showing me the correct spelling. Speaking of Kimberly/sapphire, she's one of the two latest rocket scientists to mistake SBD for MTV:

From: Kimberly

Hello Its yah girl sapphire to xzibit and pimp my ride fellas. I have a very different case I live in Minnesota and I have major problem just read! I have very sweet brother his name is josiah, all he does is try to help me my family and his self. He has a two year old son in africa he never sees he could barely could send him money because he's always buried in bills and car troubles. Josiah has a 79 Benz but it's more like it's falling off the henges for instance, we got stranded on the hyway because she smoked until she choked. He's a twenty eight year old struggling college student, working a temp job tryna make ends into dollas, I just think he deserves a break with a special wish from me to the guys at mtvs pimp my ride.He would be so thankful and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart P.S. If mtv can't come out here I'm still MTV and Xzibit greatest fan holla!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phew! No pressure for this one. She'll still be my greatest fan even if I don't pimp her bro's ride. That's good since there's precisely zero chance that I'll do so.

Continue reading "It's actually spelled "Xzibit"!"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (1)
What's all this Pimp stuff about?
(Category: Miscellaneous )

A couple of people have asked just what the hell this Pimp My Ride stuff is about so I shall endeavor to elucidate.

MTV has a show called Pimp My Ride where they take peoples' nasty old beater cars and Pimp them. That's where they fix all the garbage that's wrong with them, tune the engine to sound like an egg beater, drop them so low they can't take a residential speed bump and put enough chrome on them to blind Stevie Wonder (oops!).

Way back in December of 2003 I had a one sentence post that linked to a flash game that let you take a virtual car through a virtual pimpin experience. That post started being found by searches for "Pimp My Ride" (or rather "pimp my ride" as none of these retards uses their shift key). They left comments asking for me to pimp their cars. I tried replying that this site has absolutely nothing to do with the MTV show. That post and the comments allow absolutely no opportunity for any rational or even semi-intelligent person to confuse this site for the MTV site.

But they kept coming. After a half dozen or so of these simps had commented I decided to screw with them. So now when somebody comments there I send them emails to mess with them, pretending to be the host of the show. My general purpose is to amuse myself, my secondary goal is to get them to send me pictures of themselves holding signs about my website.

That original post has never been changed. The people commenting really are morons who need to be taken advantage of. You can see the whole shebang (in reverse chronological order) here.

Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (5)
July 02, 2004
Everybody want the pimp ride!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

We got a bunch of new contacts that just got their premier emails today. They're pretty standard so have all recieved the basic first contact mail (with fine print disclaimer of course).

From: Magsz

Hmmm... Where do i start? With the truth> My ride is a big time Hooptie!!ha
I really enjoy watching the show and my friends and family are always making fun of my ride. The running joke is i should get my ride on your show or leave it on the street. ha ha ha I have a white 92 Nissan Pathfinder. Its pretty banged up in regards to the body and the insides could use some work BUT i love that i dont have a car note. This is too funny but here it goes... My door on the drivers side is falling off. The head light is broken and hanging off but i tape on it. My leather seats have holes and the middle thing you put stuff in is broken. It gets worst-etc etc... and yes its a little embarrassing> okay alot embarrassing.. My friends all have nice cars and they think i should get a new car because im expecting a child. I thought it would be fun to get my special hooptie pimped because she's been good to me... Peace and Love
Magalye

Mags sounds like she's got a sense of humor. I like that. Plus, she's expecting so she'll have that special glow. Send us a picture, Magalye!

Continue reading "Everybody want the pimp ride!"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (38)
Charlie's looking to be a Pimp
(Category: Miscellaneous )

This hit is a bit different from the rest. Instead of asking me to pimp his ride, Charlie's looking for me to hire him as a ride pimper.

From: Charlie

Hey Guys,

I’m an ordinary car stereo installer from the east coast, (NJ) who moved out to CA for the ultimate dream, to be a custom car stereo installer. I just got done watching you’re show MTV Pimp My Ride and decided to drop you guys a line. What do I have do loose right? Well everyone knows that the west coast is where it’s at when it comes to custom. I’ve been worken at national retail chains doing the regular deck slams (Boring) when I was back on the east coast Circuit City I went from being an installer to a manager in three years and all that was just a mess of paperwork and got away from what I was striven for being a custom installer. I know you guys are plenty busy and may even not read this e-mail but I would love to apprentice with your company I do a little custom work here and there but my area of expertise is in wiring electronics and security. I currently live about 3 hrs. north of la but am willing to relocate. Even if you do not have any openings but could drop be a line or two about the LA area and where if any is custom apprentice work may be needed in CA . Well thanks a lot for taken the time out of you’re busy day to read this e-mail.
I look forward to hearing from you soon Charlie

Now seeing as I'm due to be unemployed in a bit under a month I'm not willing to bank up on bad employment mojo at the moment. So instead of leading this fellow on I'll just go straight for the photo request.

Continue reading "Charlie's looking to be a Pimp"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (1)
June 30, 2004
I got one!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Melissa's been getting worried. I've been so involved in real life that Xibit hasn't had a chance to answer her back and she's been sending mails like there's no tomorrow. Now remember that the last thing we sent her was a mail saying that she needed to send me a picture with people, the car to be pimped and a sign saying "High on SBD". I lost the first two from her during the great mail deletion of 2004. They were pretty unremarkable and both contained a picture of the car without people holding the requisite sign. But she turned it around on the 25th with two identical emails:

From: davidirizarry72@someplace.net

subject: im real

this is me melissa i;m us my brother computer because mine is missed up so here is the picture u whated

The picture that I whated...er...wanted was attached and it was indeed the holy grail of this whole Pimpin' Punk'd theme. A picture of her adorable daughter (and her mens) holding a "High on SBD" sign!

Woo hoo! I rock so much I should require a permit and a variance for the noise ordinances!

Continue reading "I got one!"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (2)
June 21, 2004
Smokin' hot latino women
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Or should that be "wimmin"? I guess it should really be "woman" seeing as there's only one.

Got a reply back from Melissa with a photo.

From: Melissa

sorry about that so here is a picture of me its old but still me

Go ahead and click that link up there. She's posing with a cute teddy. Here's Xibit's answer:

u lookin fine, baby. F-I-N-E. fine.

i gots all yo shots togetha an u made the cut on friday. u headin toards a pimp ride fo sure!

we gots one problem tho. unfortunately we been having some fools signin up from anonymous mail hosts (like hotmail). seems people like to just send shit in to us and they tryin to punk us. shit aint even real and shit. now i believe youse real but that don’t fly wit the whole crew (and the dam blood suckin lawyas).

so anyway, me and funk mastah flex worked out a way to make sure people was real. heres what you need to do so we knows you is real. take a picture of you and you mens car. now that don’t tell us that u real. what tell us u real is you need to be holdin a sign that say something specific that we didn’t tell nobody else to use. yo sign needs to be:

“High on SBD”

that don’t mean drugs, yo. sbd the hydraulic lifts we use wit ground effects.

the person in the pic can be u, yo boy or your kids (cause they so cute – the kids are cute that is, not yo boy. he good looking but Xibit doan float that drection). just reply to this mail with that pic and we get you set straight baby.

keep on watchin Pimp My Ride, baby!

Xibit

Also got a new hit from "Kyle" and sent him standard photo request #1 (modified not to ask for a bikini shot). And of course everybody's got the disclaimer too.

So, will I ever get a picture with an SBD sign?

Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (3)
June 17, 2004
They just don't stop! Two more ladies want some pimpin:
(Category: Miscellaneous )
From: cheryl

I would love to have a new car, but unfortunately I cannot afford one, but if you can pimp my escort, I would be forever grateful!!
Give a girl from Arkansas a break and pimp my ride.

and

From: Ashley

I would love it if you would put my brother Johnathon Norris on your show because he always says i wanna pimp my ride.

Thank You
Ashley Norris

The mail I'm sending both is fantastically similar, differing only in the details that they've provided. I've decided to go for specific graphical targets. The pictures I'm getting now are useless and it's too much work to keep building up the scam waiting for these brain challenged folk to figure out that this is fake. Instead of that, I want a collection of pictures of people holding up Snooze Button Dreams signs. Now is that a noble goal or what?

Continue reading "They just don't stop! Two more ladies want some pimpin:"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (3)
June 16, 2004
Melissa still wants some pimpin
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Melissa wrote back too. Dey jess caint get enuff o this ride pimpin, yo!!

From: Melissa

it taking me a little longer because i can't send u a picture of my mens ride it's not working i'll keep on trying

She would have gotten back to me sooner but she's having some email problems. Damn those Hotmail addresses! She sent me two very large pictures (over 900 KB each). This wouldn't have been too bad except she sent one of them six times. Damn, girl! Lay off my inbox! But in Melissa's defense, I did already determine that she's clueless and I instructed her to send pictures. It doesn't take the Oracle to figure out that this is a recipe for disaster.

Continue reading "Melissa still wants some pimpin"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (6)
Pimpin for Heathony
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Heathony wrote back again. I think I scared the little guy a bit.

From: Heath

Hey Xibit its my dad (anthony) just that im usein my friends heath e-mail address cause i don't have one k dogg srry for da confusin but ill try gather some hunnies up n send em to ya k

peace out

Now hold on a second here. His dad is Anthony and his friend is Heath. So who the hell is he? I guess he'll remain Heathony for now. What's up with using a friend's Hotmail addy? Did they start charging for these things and nobody told me? Ah, screw it. I'm having fun here.

Continue reading "Pimpin for Heathony"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (1)
June 14, 2004
For the ladies - it's Karate Man!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Due to popular demand I present Heathony's dad!

What do we know about this fella? Well girls we can be reasonably sure that he's employed. These photos were taken behind Radio Shack and he's wearing a Radio Shack shirt! Either he works there or Heathony got Pops entered into a shirt giveaway at the Shack.

We know that Heathony is very fond of him. That's cool and says good things about his character.

We know that Heathony isn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. That doesn't necessarily reflect on Karate Man himself but you know the old saying about fruit not falling far from the tree and all. Take it under advisement.

He was in the Air Force and that really doesn't tell us a whole lot except he couldn't get into the Navy and that he is very, very lazy.

Ha! I kid. I'm such a kidder. So he's a veteran and that's also very cool.

He has a lot of tattoos. This could indicate gang affiliation or show a predisposition for hepatitis or Aids. Then again he's a veteran so there's every chance in the world that he was never off on a drunken bender getting inked. We'd give mad props for the tats themselves but we can't really see any good looking ones. We'll reserve judgment on this one.

He's a kick boxer and looks to be in pretty decent shape. A bit of the Steven Seagal paunch showing up but otherwise quite solid looking.

From that last picture we see that he keeps his truck very tidy. A clean truck is a sign of an orderly mind (or a disturbed one). Speaking of the truck, he's driving and maintaining a 20 year old vehicle so we know he's frugal (or cheap). Okay, this one's a wash too.

One thing we know for sure is that Karate Man wants you. Yes, you. And he's going to get you too because he is indeed Karate Man. Just look into his eyes. Oh yea, baby. Oh yeah.

Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (2)
You pimpin? I be pimpin!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

I got an answer back from Anthony. If you're confused about what I'm talking about, click on the category link just above and read the previous entry.

From: Heath

Thax alot Xibit I appreciate for all the that man. Well here are some pics of me and my pops and his beater. My dad is a funny guy and hes a kick bower, he start when he was in the Air Force he was in Tae Kwon Doe is an awesome pop.

Peace Out Bro

XIBIT ur awesome man

Note the name change. Anthony on the comment forms, Heath in the email. I deal with that in my reply to him. He sent four pictures of him and his dad and one beat to hell early 80's Chevy Scottsdale pickup. Now since I can see from the pictures that he's a kid and there's no hotties in there anyway I'm not going to put up the pics he sent*. In fact I was just going to forget about this ruse since he's a teenager and there's not exactly a huge amount of challenge in messing with a teen's brain...until he did it again.

Continue reading "You pimpin? I be pimpin!"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (4)
June 09, 2004
It time to get pimpin yo!!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

For whatever reason, this post keeps attracting people who think they'll get their cars worked on if they leave comments on it. Go on, take a look. It's a single line post pointing elsewhere. I've commented specifically that I've got nothing to do with the Pimp My Ride show. They keep coming:

Name: Anthony

Whazzup Xibit, Hey I really like whatching the number 1 show Pimp My Ride it's da graetest. But anyways this message is for my dad because I really look up to him and he means alot to me, because he is always there to help me out and I would like to give him something in return by having you guys pimp out his old beaten down truck and make it into a really pimpin' machine. I'd really appreciate it so if you could write me back on how to enter. Peace out Dogg ( by the way we live in Wisconsin) Awesome show keep it up.

Now the ones before could conceivably be borderline functional. Maybe I hadn't been specific enough in my statement that I wasn't the ride pimper. Anthony has no excuses so he's going to be my first bitch. Hey, if I'm a pimp then I need bitches, right? Here's what I sent Anthony:

Subject: We wanna pimp yo ride!

Wazzup An-tone! Got your request askin how to enter. Surprise! You're already entered, bro. Took care of that for ya. In fact, you're one of the randomly selected finalists, how you like that?

The next step for you is to send in the graphx. We need pix of your Dads and his ride. We can do serious magic but we need the right ingredients, see what I'm sayin? Just reply to this email and attach a clear pic of the truck and another of your pop.

If the truck passes the eyeball test you go into the pot for final selection. If Dads don't have the teevee look we might need to pass on him. It's fo shizzle that you and Dads are tight but we're talkin ratings and all, yo. If he doesn't pass muster do you have a chica who could stand in as the truck 'owner'? Send in the pix on her too.

(Just a side note from me to you, bro - hot pants and halter tops go a long way towards 'winnin' this thang. Caint be a pimp ride wit no bitches, see what I'm sayin.)

Thanks fo watchin Pimp My Ride, bro. Keep it real!

Xibit

Continue reading "It time to get pimpin yo!!"
Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (10)
December 01, 2003
Got me a pimp ride!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

Get your own stylin' ride over here. Fo shizzle my nizzle! All rightey my whitey!

(Hat tip to Dopple-G again)

Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (51)
October 16, 2003
BAGELDONUT!
(Category: Miscellaneous )

All hail the Bageldonut!

Posted by Jim | Permalink | Comments (3)
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