Looks like some people think ol' Xzibit is a bit on the stupid side. I've received a slew of fake messages over the past couple days. You know what that means, right? Yup. Gloves are off.

The first idjit:

From: matthew ludescher

I HAVE SEEN THIS WONDERFUL PROGRAM AND WOULD LIKE
TO SEE IF I QUALIFY. I'M 44 AND I AM DYSLEXIC AND
THIS MAKES IT HARD FOR ME TO FIND A GOOD JOB.
AS I CANNOT READ OR WRITE.
I'M A GOOD COMPUTER TECHNICIAN AND MY FRIEND
DARRELL SMITH IS HELPING ME WRITE THIS LETTER.
I HAVE A 1982 CHEVROLET VAN THAT NEEDS SOME PIMP
LOVE.
IF YOU CAN HELP ME, I WOULD BE BLESSED.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CARING SHOW.
YOU ARE TRULY GOOD PEOPLE IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.
LOVE
MATT

Ah, yes. The dyslexic computer technician story. Haven't we all heard this before? Actually, after dealing with some customer service lines I can readily believe that the people manning them are illiterate. But this guy is a fake so he gets this:

Subject: No helmets

matty mo d is in da house!

what up matt-u?

i wanted ta personally write you because i was touched by yo plight. im sorry my man but we dont have no special programs for handicapable folks. we had a miniseries planned for it called "Pimp My Special Needs Transportation Device" but it didnt pan out. one of the crips wouldnt wear his helmet when he test drove his smokin hot ultra-lowered motorized chair. he muffed it on a curb and it wasnt pretty. let me tell you dogg you dont want to hit a curb at 30 without a helmet. we were scraping up cripple for a week.

oh, and friend darrel? thats nice that you helpin out matt and all but take the fuckin caps lock off. you like a baby nizzle with an audiovox subwoofer fresh from the kmart. loud as hell and cant understand a thang.

hang chilly matt!
Xzibit

Our second faker takes a more personal angle:

From: mr lund

HI x to da z iam gay n i would lik u mr z to da x u sexy thing to pimp
my ride. i have a old mini i want sme 22s on it some sounds n to b
painted purple cuz u knw purple is a gay colour please pimp it x u
sexy beast i luff u

Sort of screams "I'm 14 years old and I think I am freaking hillarious", doesn't it?

Subject: howd you know?

oh.my.god. how did you figure out that im gay? oh dogg you sure nailed it though. was it because i prance a bit? damn i been so tryin not to prance but it just comes out sometimes. i mean how can i be expected to hold all this gay inside all the time?

its so unfair. like a fag cant pimp on cars? hello its "designing", right? damn job is built for queers. its my agents fault he said id never get the j-o-b unless i act straight. dammit im sick of livin a lie!

lundy baby, youv woke me up to the way it is. if you could see that im gay then others can too. its only a matter of time befo i get outted. im takin control back right now. the next show i tape im going to tell the world that im gay and proud.

thank you so much sweetie fo givin me the strength to see what needs to be done. i luff u 2!
Xzibit

PS - send me pix. if u hot ill fly u up for the show n dinner n maybe a bit more

Here's where it gets cute though. Mere minutes apart was another comment from the very same IP address, but a different "Mr" alias.

From: mr gani

yo yo yo wassup dis mr gani all day way from new zealand jus letin ya all
know dt ure show iz wicked nd yea when r u guyz cumin to new zealand new ways catch ya up

So I'm getting played by a kiwi? That's not right.

Subject: evil gay midgits

hey dere gani-man! u from new zeelund fo real? i seen that place in that movie about the midgits and the ring. freaky shit man. how many o them naked evil midgits you got runnin around there? Xzibit dont mind midgits per say but evil naked midgits freak my shit out.

u gots lots of gays there too. seems every dam kiwi i hear from is gay. damn, dogg - it like the land of the evil gay midgits i bet.

i think u should revolt from australia. i bet they dumpin gay midgits on u and that why you got so many.

hey, is that why you called kiwis? cause kiwis are little fruits? id be pissed if somebody called me after a fuzzy little fruit, dam strait.

catch you later home boy. keep it real, yo!
Xzibit

And finally, one that might be genuine:

From: Jacqueline Fortin

My husband watches your show every week. He has a 1988 Sunbird GT turbo
convertible which he has had since new.For the last few years he has worked on the car almost weekly fixing it and keeping it running. He would like a new car but he works in the airline industry and things have not been great over the past few years with salary cuts and longer workdays.He says he will never get rid of the Sunbird as we used it for our wedding ride and it was the first car our kids rode in. It has lots of sentimental meaning to all of us and all it needs is to be pimped to bring it back to its former glory. He has said many times if he had the money he would rebuild it from the ground up and relive our first years of marriage. I don't know anyone who works harder and is more self sacrificing than my husband who has gone without many times just to make sure me and the boys get what we need. He is always there for his friends and getting his car pimped would be a dream come true. If you should consider this request I would arrange with his friends to ship the car to California to be pimped. This is my request and he has no idea I am sending this. I hope you will consider my husband's car for your show.

Sincerely Jacqueline

Jacqueline has earned herself the first contact 'gimme a picture' email.

That's it for this edition, folks. Will Xzibit's comments touch off a nerve in the kiwi viewership? Will he find love with an evil gay midget? Will Matt be consumed with rage at his insensitive comments but be unable to exact his revenge because he can't type a reply? Will I get a picture of Jacquilin? Stay tuned to find out!