Melissa wrote back too. Dey jess caint get enuff o this ride pimpin, yo!!
From: Melissait taking me a little longer because i can't send u a picture of my mens ride it's not working i'll keep on trying
She would have gotten back to me sooner but she's having some email problems. Damn those Hotmail addresses! She sent me two very large pictures (over 900 KB each). This wouldn't have been too bad except she sent one of them six times. Damn, girl! Lay off my inbox! But in Melissa's defense, I did already determine that she's clueless and I instructed her to send pictures. It doesn't take the Oracle to figure out that this is a recipe for disaster.
Before I could reply in my erudite and refined style I got hit with four more emails with monster pictures. The original two over again and two new ones. One of the new ones is a picture of her kids. I felt serious pangs of sympathy for them because they are very cute and their momma is not too bright.
From: Melissai;m sorry that u got alot of pictures of my men. I'm sorry that it toke me a long time to write back its because i just had a baby on 6/10/04 and got home on 06/14/04 so i will try to send all u needand thank u for writeing back . and i'll send u a picture of me kids
Just had a baby? Okay, I'll forgive Melissa for the multiple humongous files. What I won't forgive her for are the picture contents. Pictures of her "men's" primer gray K-car, Sir mens himself (Rico...Suave) and her kids. Unless I missed something completely there are no hotties in any of these pictures. I was pretty specific in requesting a hottie shot. And what's up with the dish towel stuck to this guy's forehead? Is this a new style I'm behind the curve with? Definitely substandard pics as far as I'm concerned.
From: Xibithole on there, sistah! u bombin me with monstah emails. i gots the first pic 6 times. gots the second one twice. got two others too (damn those are cute kids! congrads on the newbie, mama tita!)
i see wut u meen wit dat cah. dat boy needs sum serius help, word. dont go tellin that to yo man now - it would only hurt his feelins. no shame in not bein able to compare with the skills of xibit, funk mastah flex, roni moe-d and fly grrrl jeni-d-cup. leave that piece to us professunals wit our mad skillz.
lissen up - i ran the car by our art folks and they came up with some fly concept drawins of what we could do wit it. those be attached to this email. give em a look but doan let yo mouth hang open too long baby cause they are hottttt!
you see em? din i tell u they wuz hottttt?
we do have one serius problem tho. those pix you sent r missin one impotant feature - u baby. go reread that first email i sent you lil sistah. the hottie level of the pics is what we use as tie breakers here. if it come down to a bubble butt or your boy with a towel on his head you gotta see whats gonna win, see what i'm sayin? now i know you jus had a baby but you still lookin pretty fly in that pic. trick yoself out and snap a pic. hell baby, if you just not feelin comftable in the postpartum you can send an older pic (all my baby mommas get a bit insecure fo a couple weeks after havin a baby so i know what that like and i wont tell nobody its not a recent pic).
we dont put the entrants through the final ringer until friday so you gots some time to get the bootie pics in.
peace out, sistah!
Xibit
This time I sent pictures of a Porsche Boxter that were passed through Photo Editor's "Chalk and Charcoal" filter. I'm curious if she'll notice the completely different body style between her boy's car and the one in the 'concept art'. She also got the increased phonetics, incorrect hip-hop slang, and new updated fine print. She got a bonus of exceptionally bad spelling of easy words and correct spelling of difficult words.
So, will Jim rot in hell for picking on a woman who just had a baby? Will we get bootie pics of Melissa? Will Jim ever be blessed with his prefered target, an adult male or will he be forced to continue ridiculing women and children? Will any of these pimpettes ever figure out that they're on a long ride to nowhere? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Pimp Yo Ride!
I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. I'm actually in physical pain from writing two of those in one day.
The sad thing is that she's probably super stoked to be doing this with you and not even having the faintest clue that she's being Jim Punk'd (or should that be Snooze Punk'd?).
And yeah, I'm hoping that the dishrag bandana thing DOESN'T catch on.
What have you got yourself into?
Dayum, J-Snooze...
Youz gots me huk'd!
You're evil. Funny as hell. But evil.
Did Melissa get the small print too?
Yeah, Johnny, I had that thought too. It's sort of like fishing with a howitzer.
Melissa got the new small print too. That's going out on every email now.