Jesus Mohamed was a streetie we encountered occasionally on our treks through Berkeley. Jesus Mohamed wore a natty robe and not much else and he SPOKE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. He was VERY CONCERNED about the environment and the fact that we young people DID NOT GIVE A RIP. He had MANY PLANS to save the world, if only the TEACHERS AND RICH PEOPLE would listen to him.

Why do I mention Jesus Mohamed here? Well, apparently he figured out how to use a computer because this nut who wants me to Pimp his Ride sounds exactly like him. The 'ride' in question is his wheelchair. Wouldn't it be freaky if this really was him? Maybe a few years ago he got hit by a car so he's in a wheelchair now. Maybe the kindly tree huggers out there in Berkeley took pity on the poor soul, brought him to the library and showed him how to use the computer so he could share his message with the world instead of just the Navy pukes on their way to dorm parties where they would steal away all of the hot co-eds from the hemp sandal guys.

In any case, I can't take the chance of being polite to this guy. As there's an outside chance that it's really Jesus Mohamed I have a tradition to uphold. His incredibly long and rambling messages are in the extended entry. Due to their length and general meaninglessness (is that a word? it should be) I've summarized for him:

From: Terral Green

PEOPLE CALL,ME THE THINKER,BECAUSE I,THINK A,LOT,,,,I AM,A,VET,THE,MILITARY,KIND NOT THE ANIMAL KIND I LOVE ANIMALS I HAVE THOUGHT OF 46 THINGS BUT THE RICH PEOPLE WONT LISTEN,TO ME I RUN THE SYSTEM I WORKED,TWO JOBS,BUT,AM,NOW DISABLED VET,I WANT TO BUILD A CASKET,OUT,OF,GARBAGE,SO OUR KIDS WILL BE HEALTHY,BIG CO LIKE JCPENNY AND USATODAY WON'T DO IT,,,,PIMP MY RIDE IT IS A WHEEL,CHAIR,THANKS,,,THE STORY IS I AM DISABLED I WAS HIT BY A DRUNK DRIVER AND DECAPITATED AND DIED IT WAS OUT OF BODY I MET GOD,PIMP MY WHEEL CHAIR,THANKS,,,,THE THINKER

To which there's really only one applicable response:

From: Xzibit
Subject: Home BOY! What you up to?

Jesus Mohamed, is dat you? I know it you, doggggg!! It's Smappy Mo-D here. You remember me, right? We used to hang out in the grounder park in Berkeley when the punks from the university tried to chase us down, remember? Used to pick lice outta each other's hair and shit? Good times, homey. Good times.

So what you up to now? You said you a Crip now? Man, I hang with the Bloods so I don't know if we can hook up if you know what I'm saying. Can't be having no Cripples on the show neither no how. We owned by AOL and they don't tolerate any of that handi-capable stuff. Prime beef only. Dongs and Hos, know what I'm saying? Can't be showing no ugliflesh on America's channel.

You still in contact with that bitch what wore the tank top and plastic flip-flops all the time? Man, she ran off wit my burrito once. I still wanna find that skank and show her what that burrito meant to me. Never should have married that ho, I tell you what.

Take care homey and don't be a stranger. With email I mean - don't you fuckin come within a state of me in the real world. I got a gat and a posse now. I'm just sayin.

Peace, out!
Xzibit

Is Terral Green really Jesus Mohammed? If not, will Jim be able to determine which of them is more insane? Stay tuned to find out!

Terral Green / Jesus Mohammed's actual message:

From: terral green
Email: onwelight@yahoo.com

HERE IS MY DREAM,HELP ME BUILD THE DREAM,FOR MY WHEEL CHAIR,NOW YOU CAN BUILD THEM,MY WAY AND YOU WILL OPEN A CAN OF LOVE THAT,ONLY LOVE WILL CAN REPLACR,NOW I WRITE,20 TO 30 LETTER A DAY,BUT NOONE,IS THEIR,BUT I STILL KEEP TRYING,I,M A INVENTOR,AND A VERY GOOD,IF YOU ASK GMAC,LTV AIRCRAFT,ARMY,POLICE,USATODAY,PRINT PAC,ALL GAIN FROM THE IDEA I,M SENDING,WELL I GUSEE YOU MIGHT ASA WELL TAKE THIS ONE TO,I,M JUST TRYING NOT TO BE ON THECSYSTEM,WHICH I FEEL I ERAN IT,I,VE WROKED TWO JOB ALL MY LIFE,BUT NOW I,M DISABLE VET,WELL THAT ONLY GOES SO FAR,SO I LIKE FOR YOU TO MAKE THE IDEA,OR ALL THE IDEA I HAVE IN MY HEAD,THIS WILL BRING JOY TO ALL DISABLE ALL OVER THE WORLD,FOR THIS IS A UN-TAP IDEA NOT MADE ANY WHERE,ONLY BY ME,SO YES PIMP MY RIDE MY WHEEL CHAIR,THANKS THE THINKER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

terral green wrote: HELLO,I,M CALLED THE THINKER,WELL THAT GREAT BUT I,VE GOTTEN,NOTHING,EVEN THRO,I PUT IN IDEA TO MAJOR CO,LIKE USADOAY,PRINT PAC,LTV AIRCRAFT,ARMY,AND MORE WELL AT LEAST I DID GET AWARD FOR THEM EVEN,TEXAS JOB,TRC,OH WELL ALL I ASK FOR IS A VAN WITH A LIFT,FOR A IDEA THAT WHERE 200,000,I KNOW I VE SAVE AND MADE I HAVE THE PROOF,WELL LETS GET TO MY NEW IDEA,JUST MAYBE I,LL GET A FREE DINNER OUT,HERE WE GO,WE LIVE IN WHAT IS CALLED A ''THROW AWAY ' SOCIETY SEE EA AND EVERY DAY,WE GO OUT AND JUST BUY AND BUY,WELL LET,S SEE WHERE THIS LED US,AND THIS CAME OUT IN 1990.PEOPLE TRY TO GET RID OR DISPOSE OF THESE TYPE OF ITEM,NEW PAPER,CARDBOARD PACKAGING,TIN CAN ALL TYPE,BOTTLE PLASTIC ALL TYPE AND COLOR,NOT COUNTING THE RED FLAGS FROM HOSPITAL,FOIL,AND EVEN DUMP BATTERY OF ALL TYPE,,REFRIGERATORS,ALL TYPE F TRANSPIRATION,AND MORE AND YOU SEE THAT,S NOT JUST HERE IT,S ALL OVER THE WORLD,AND NOW WE HAVE MORE AND MORE DUMPED ,GROUND.AND NO WAY TO PUT THEM,SO THAT DO WE DO WE CHARGE TO DUMPED,ON THAT,S A GREAT IDEA,NOW THEY JUST WAIT UNTIL NITE AND GET RID OF IT,WELL WE DON,T MINDS,,YOU DO ,SMILE WELL I CAN,T THE THEM THAT WE THEN MAKE A JOB FOR SOMEONE TO PICK IT UP,WELL THAT NOT WORKING EITHER,JUST LOOK AT THE HIGHWAY,PAPER,GLASS,TRASH EVERYWHERE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,SO NOW I,M HERE TO TRY TO HELP ,US SAVE OURSELF AND KID TO COME,THERE ARE PEOPLE SMARTER THEN ME,SO I KNOW IF THEY CAN BUILD THINGS FOR THINGS FOR FUN AND MOVIES,THIS IS A WALK IN THE PARK,BUT WHILE WE ARE DIEING FROM THE BUSES ,DUMP GROUNDS,JUST DIRTY ECT,WELL THIS IS ALL WE HAVE TO DO,STARTING,NEXT TWO MO,SEND OUT NOTICE,OUT SAYING THAT WE WILL DO BETTER,AND HAVE TO OR WE WILL NOT BE HERE IN 3001,NO ONE THIS WILL BE A REAL MOVIES EXPECT THEIR BE NO AWARD TO PASS OUT,WE WILL BUILD A BIG GRINNER TO PUT ALL TRASH THAT CANT, BE RECYCLE,I MEANS ALL GLASS ,BOTTLE,PLASTIC,METAL,ANYTHING THAT WILL GO IN THERE,MAKE MAYBE 3EA OF THEM,THEN WE TURN THEM INTO CASKET OF ALL COLOR THEN PUT INTO THE GROUND,NOW MANY MIGHT SAY THAT,S NASTY BUT,BUT I SAY,GIVE OUR LIFT TO SAVE OUR KID,S AND GRANDKID,S WE WILL SEE IF THEY REALLY LOVE THEM,WILL AS I SAID I HAVE MANY IDEA,WHICH I PUT IN BUT GOT NOTHING BACK BUT TO ALL THE RICH,AND KINK PEOPLE AGAIN ALL I WANT IS ENOUGH TO GET MY IDEA GOING THANKS AND STAY BLESS,,,,,,,,,,922W 9TH ST APT 311 DA 75208,,,,,,,,,THE THINKER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

That's not all, sir. No way. Can't leave it with just that. Nuh-uh. The next day he reinforced his message with this gem:

From: TERRAL GREEN
Email: ONWELIGHT@YAHOO.COM

I HAVE AT LEAST,46 IDEA JUST AS GOOD AS THE ONE I,M SENDING TO YOU UP ABOVE,SEE THE STORY IS I WAS RAN OVER BY A DRUNK DRIVER,DRAG 200 FT,MOUTH TORN,HEAD BROKE OPEN,AND DIE SOME CALLED IT OUT OF BODY,WELL I CALLED IT GOD GRACE,THAT,S MY GIFT,SO I NOW CALLED UPON YOU,I THANKS YOU,THE THINKER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,