Helen has a list of demands for the world at large. It's good stuff - mostly common sense things like having an option for a non-shedding cat (besides those nasty hairless ones, of course). I put a couple of my own in her comments but my brain has been on fire since then and has regurgitated its own list.
Dear World, the following are my demands:
* Stop making hot sauces turn my ass into a fiery red inferno of pain and bloody leakage the next day. I know back in the day that this was a mark of honor and gave me bragging rights to show off my consumption of deadly spices but these days I'm not showing off at all. Honest. I just like the taste and would like to enjoy it without the specter of a disintegrating colon hanging over my head.* Please throw whatever switch is needed in women's heads so they'll understand that it is not necessary to have any particular objective in mind in order to purchase a reciprocating saw. Having a reciprocating saw is self justifying just because it is.
* Make the cell phone manufacturers put a "disable" feature on the cell phones that will turn off the actual calling/receiving functions but let the rest of it work. We're looking at six hours in planes on Tuesday and we can't use any of our cool phone toys because the transmitting function on the phones can't be turned off.
* Or, make the FAA and the International Lord Of Hospitals admit that having a cell phone turned on isn't going to bring down a Boeing or make Old Mister Humphrey's morphine drip go into overdrive. That way it won't matter if a phone is on or not.
* Please make it so mini-vans are thought to be the coolest things on wheels. We love ours and it would be cool if some guy in a Maserati was jealous of us. I know this is a big one so you can cut a few corners and make the coolness apply only to late model milk white mini-vans if that's easier for you.
* Make Fear Factor go away, or at least make them change the name of the show to Who Wants To Eat A Bug.
* Does poop really need to smell that bad? I'm not asking for the effluvium of flowers on the vine or anything but can you just ratchet it back a few notches from "Initiate gag reflex" to "Avoid as unpleasant"?
* Some sort of selective valve in the stomach would be very cool. Nutritious stuff would get digested and all of the stuff that we actually like to eat that's bad for us would shuffle off straight to the colon.
* If that one is too big how about a fat substitute that doesn't have "anal leakage" as a side effect like Olestra does?
That's it for now. It's not a whole lot to ask considering my huge karma balance. I'm willing to pay for express shipment on #3 or #4 if you can deliver before our flight next Tuesday.
Placing the words "disintegrating colon" in the top entry might have been a bad idea. I just didn't have the stomach to venture further. Reordering might be in order. ;)
That's there intentionally. To set the mood, know what I mean?
I want a working hallodeck.
Considering that whoever is filling these demands is going to start with the easiest to fill, I would like it to be known that I want a sit-on-top ocean kayak. For one person or two, it doesn't matter.
I'll let Paul use it if he shares the hallodeck every once in a while.
You are really in touch with your backside today-4 of those have to do with the nether regions..
Aww, what the hell. (We'll call it "anal awareness")
In college, we had three main sources of nutrition- Beer, ramen noodles and 10 cent wings. The after effects of beer mixed with speech defect-inducing hot sauce were affectionately referred to as "Sh*tting a running chainsaw" or "giving birth to aliens".
Oh- And I want to be invisible for a day so I can hide in the ladies room and lift all the seats.
Here's the trick with the reciprocating saw. Just go buy one, but keep it hidden from the wife. Once you have one, you will find a need for it, I promise. When I bought mine I wasn't sure what I'd need it for. And now I've used it on just about every project to date.
Anyway - once you have the saw and you've identified several uses for it, start the project and stop midway (while the house is a mess) and declare your need for the saw. The wife will relent.
Then, you can go to the range and drive a bucket of balls (while she thinks you're out buying a saw you already own).
It's just a shame that LW reads these posts - I'm sure you could have gotten away with this!
Clancy,I have the financial and bank access....no hiding for him anyways.hehehe
Jim.....about the hot sauce:THIS is coming out the mouth of the one who cooks that hot crap and risks that wife and kids suffocate while you do that?LOLLOL
At least you know that you're not the only one who's suffering. ;-)
yeah...and while you're making your demand for minivans to be cool, why don't you ask for something equally preposterous--like hilary clinton turning from the dark side or Ted Kennedy drying up.
Jim,
I have a Sanyo 4900 and it has an Airplane Mode. I know Sprint has a couple other phones that have that. I'm not sure about other carriers, although I would think there has to be other phones that have that feature.
Come on now, a cool minivan is at least THEORETICALLY possible. I bet they could turn out a sweet one on "Pimp my Ride".
Ryan - Sweet! Item #3 is already being granted. The rest of them should fall like dominos.
theory aint reality, bub. hehe...
P.S. I have driven a minivan for 10 years and rarely if EVER do i get even an acknowledgement from masareti owners.hehe.. On the flipside, i drove my husbands '68 buick once and I got LOTS of attention. Granted, it was from illegal mexicans, but a girl's gotta take what she can get! ;-)
"Does poop really need to smell that bad"
I never really knew I could gag from bad smelling poop until we got a dog.
I know when I get old and have to live on dog food I know which brand I won't be buying.
Blech.
I'd like a 'This is gonna come up and bite you in the ass' flag, built into MS Project. This week, it would've come in handy. Pass me my whoopee cushion.
All I want is teleportation... that's it. No traffic jams, no being late to work, and being able to hit Starbucks on the spur of the moment. My poop could gag me to death as long as I had teleportation.
Gimme a "T" Gimmie an "M" Gimmie an "I"
[running chainsaw?!? yikes]
Here's a couple of ideas born out of experience:
If the lady doesn't see the inherent value in that saw, let her use it for a while. [In my case] that would involve showing her the basics, leaving the book handy [yes, men, these things come with The Book] and then going away for a while and letting her play with it. 'Til she's done.
If that's a no-go, make the saw / shoes analogy. "The perfect project / outfit *will* come along; then where will I be?"
A big YES from the House of Bou on the cool state of the mini-van. I'm tired of being the asexual Mom person who drives a mini-van.
I'd think the probabiity of getting colon cancer is significantly smaller if you're constantly burning it out...