I've posted the epilogue for Writer's Noose. I was going to wait for tomorrow but since tonight is Halloween I have no idea if I'll even get a chance to turn the box on tomorrow. I took the easy way out, posting it now with tomorrow's time stamp.
Go enjoy and spread the word. It's a pretty decent Halloween Story after all. >:-)
Here's some holiday linkage for your viewing frightful pleasure.
The 100 Scariest Movie Scenes of All Time
Not a bad roundup - I can agree with most of them. Especially #19, Willy Wonka. You remember that nightmarish boat ride with the psychedelic-LSD-flashback-moving-walls and Willy Wonka spouting out a poem of terror about the Grim Reaper mowing? Yeah, that one. Scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. Best kids movie ever.
The 100 Scariest Holloween Costumes
The Devil Cheerleader is especially frightful. I don't think I could bear to have all of these come up to my door tonight. Oh, wait a second. Lovely Wife will be out with the kids. Bring 'em on!
What's scarier than STDs? I mean besides Michael Moore in a tutu. Nothing! So we'll close out the special Holloween post with some quotes ripped from the sperm coated hand of Condom Man himself:
Here, have some Cheddar
1. What's the worst candy you've ever gotten on Halloween?
Necco wafers. What the hell is that about? It's not sweet, it's not sour, it has the consistency of chalk and tastes like that nasty pseudo bread that the priests pass off as Jesus meat.
2. What is your best comfort food?
Chocolate milk. Not just any chocolate though. It has to be Nestle Quick powder so it won't actually disolve all the way and you get little choco granule bits and a thick brown slurry at the bottom of the glass.
3. When was the last time you tried a new vegetable or fruit and what was it?
The last new fruit I remember trying was kiwi and I thought it was quite a bit like a lemon crossed with a strawberry with extra seeds added. I can't for the life of me figure out what is so special about those things.
4. Is there a dish your mom or dad made for you growing up that you hated and can't even stand to think of now?
Liver and onions. Do you know what the liver does? It filters all of the nasty poisonous crap out of your blood so you won't die from your own internal filth. And people eat this?
5. What's your favorite snacking food?
Cheese. Good cheese like a nice boerenkaas gouda or aged cheddar. Ementaller is one of my favorites.
Bonus Question. What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
I was briefly dressed up as a bottle of Tequila today but they made me take off the costume when I wouldn't stop talking about the worm in the bottle.
I think Chuck has said his final goodbyes over at Writer's Noose. It doesn't seem like the tale has ended but I don't think he's coming back from that walk in the woods.
Helen put up a list of the necessary traits in a man. Oddly enough her list is very close to the perfect man (that's me, by the way).
-Can make me laugh.
If this blog isn't proof enough, just wait till you see me naked!
-Loves hockey
Formative years spent in Buffalo, home of the Sabres. Hockey is therefore a love/hate thing with me.
-Tall
I absolutely tower over my kids.
-Big hands
It's not the size of the fingers but the hair on the palm. My fingers have been massaging things since I was 14. Only one female ever in my life has had a massage from me and not been seduced. And I'm still working on Mom.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
Sorry blogging has been so light lately. Blame all of the usual suspects. And blame Chuck too. Though I don't think he's in a mind to appreciate it after last night.
I've had a couple people interested in the collapsable lists that I use for my sidebar links so I've gone ahead and prepared some easy to use files that will help anybody to implement the same. These can also be used inside posts. Just right click on this link and save the zip file to your PC. Inside are 4 text files. Read the one called instruct.txt and it will guide you through setting up your blog to use collapsable lists.
Note that the instructions are tailored to an MT blog with the MuNu setup. I don't know how differently other blogs function but some tweaking may be necessary.
Also, credit where credit is due: This is a script implementation I got from Microsoft FrontPage.
UPDATE: As MojoMark reminded me in the comments, these collapsable lists will not work for Mozilla. At least not up to version 1.4. Future versions? Who knows. The good news is they fail in an uncollapsed format so the worst that will happen is that they show up expanded, even on Mozilla.
UPDATE2: Just encountered this helping Simon get his lists set up. When you create the outline.js script file you must also build it. After you save it there will be a "rebuild" link (or button) underneath the "body" field. Click on that.
Ever have one of those days when you're driving into work and you're so freaking tired that you seriously think about slamming your car into that jackass next to you because then there would be a car accident and you could get a quick 15 minute nap before the emergency crew got there?
No? Uh...me neither.
Well written, humorous and useful. DON'S MOSTLY USELESS GUIDE TO BECOMING A SUPERSTAR BLOGGER is a blogging hat trick. It's bound to be a well linked story so I will of course go for a ping in order to leach off of the readership it attracts.
Looks like Chuck's troll has forced a confrontation with some pretty sad results. Is Chuck's story over now?
Laurence is mobilizing an army to take over the world! To join the ranks of the Amish Army just visit this page and click on the number that is presented. You can add one soldier each day to the mighty Amish forces.
One click a day. No pay or benefits but it's almost as easy as serving in the Navy.
This week's Carnival of the Vanities is up at Who Censored Blogger Rabbit. It's in my greatly preferred format of easy to pore through post intros. Go give it a look-see.
The Instapundit has pointed out what looks to be another DOS attack on Internet Haganah for Thursday. After using the handy dandy Arabic to English translator at Ectaco I must say that I agree with him. Loosely translated, the message says that 7PM on Thursday, October 30 is a favorable time for anybody who is available. It then gives details for Internet Haganah and their IP on all of their mirror sites.
So expect all of the Hosting Matters sites to go down around 7PM (time zone would be helpful) on Thursday.
UPDATE: From the comments comes good news for many blogs from Aaron at Internet Haganah -
Haganah is no longer hosted at HostingMatters. Trust me, I know, I'm the Director of Internet Haganah. HostingMatters ' network is not on the target list.
I'm not sure if he's falling apart or getting it together. At least he seems to have handled his troll, thanks to a suggestion from Susie.
Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. He's got the scoop on a device that can greatly speed up your commute. At least until the next guy gets one.
G beat me at pinball this morning. I could give excuses like he uses a good paddle and I use a house paddle or that I'm sick as a dog and regurgitating a lung right now or that my drug addled senses couldn't focus on the ball or even that he has gained enough skill to actually beat me at ping pong. But those would all just be excuses.
The real culprit is my Great Uncle. He's dead so it's not much use for me to bitch at him. You see, he and my Great Aunt lived in Hawaii and they sent me some crystals and volcanic rock when I was a little kid. This was bad. It angered the gods and cursed me, much like that episode of The Brady Bunch with the Angry Tiki God.
I didn't understand about the curse until I was a teenager and by then it was too late. I didn't have those rocks any more so I couldn't return them to Pele's bosom to break the curse. That's Pele the Hawaiian volcano goddess, not the aged soccer player.
That's right, y'all - I am doomed for all eternity to suffer the curse of the Maori. I can normally keep it at bay with constant ritual sacrifice but every now and then it will creep through into my life.
On the plus side I always know exactly why things go wrong when they do. Like this morning's ping-pong game or last week when I ran over that kid.
Damned Maori.
Good time for a Bonfire. Go take a peak as Kevin offers up a massive pile of inanity for your displeasure.
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Western Wall and there he is!
She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall."
(Hat tip G)
Referred by Suburban Blight to OTP who ripped it off of North Georgia Dogma.
A-ACTOR (favorite): Sean Connery
B-BOYHOOD IDOLS (in the non-biblical sense): John "Hannibal" Smith, Commander Adama
C-CHORE YOU HATE: Chores? I have a wife. [duck] SWISH [/duck]
The semifinals are over. Results of the second elimination series are:
Doppel-G (9)
Gee (2)
G-Spot (8)
Moondoggie (10)
Moose (0)
Squirrel (1)
Gorney Huy (1)
G-Willikers (1)
That Guy (1)
Why Not (1)
That means that "Doppel-G" and "Moondoggie" will compete against the first round winners "G-Whiz" and "G-Muse" to determine for once and for all what G's nickname will be!
Good luck and may the best name win.
I've gotten a lot of mileage for ragging on Texas for these idotic policies so it's only fair to give space when it's my own adopted state that is playing moron.
Kelley spotlights the plight of Rachel Boim, who was suspended and then kicked out of her school for a story she wrote in her personal journal.
Come on, Georgians! We're supposed to be the last bastion of common sense and down home wisdom. Eliminate these zero intelligence policies and start thinking again!
Helen's flight to the States was made miserable because she couldn't recline her seat and the person in front of her could. Broken seat? Maybe not.
WASHINGTON - Every cramped air traveler may have the right to lean his seat back, but Ira Goldman sees airplane justice from another perspective — that of the person behind — and he's found a way to even the score.Goldman invented the Knee Defender, a beeper-sized block of plastic that lets passengers prevent the seat in front of them from reclining
The hard plastic block, which has an inch-wide groove down the middle, fits around the arm of a tray table and acts as a barrier to the seat's backward movement.
So next time your seat won't go back, go ahead and check for the Knee Defender. In the event of an emergency your seat cushion may be detached to serve as a non-lethal bludgeon.
Okay, we've all seen the picture of Miss Afghanistan in a bikini. She has a pretty face and enough body fat to feed an army of mice for about a millisecond. Could somebody please buy this girl an ice cream cone?
But it seems that she's been in the States for the past 8 years or so and there wasn't any actual pageant in Afghanistan that she won in order to represent the country. Did you really expect that there was? I mean, come on now. We displaced the Taliban but the Afghani culture is still the same as that of its neighbors. If a genuine Afghan girl stripped down to her skivvies and paraded around on stage she'd get a belly full of stab wounds from one of her brothers trying to "reclaim the honor" of the family.
So is it a good thing that Miss Afghanistan is part of the Miss World pageant? Well, sure it is. The more half nekkid women there are in the world the better. Is it an indication that Afghanistan is moving towards a "western" culture? Nah.
Found a nifty link over at Ilyka's Place. It seems that Dean Esmay is looking to find out just what women hate about men. Ilyka had a rough time but finally thought one up. I don't see how this could be difficult for a woman. There should be loads of things that all y'all curvy wenches have against us.
Just for an example, there's the way we mark our territory over at your place. You know, the couple dribbles of pee on the rim of the toilet or the way we take the toilet paper roll off and put it back on so it rolls the right way (over the top!). Or the way we go through your cosmetics and beauty products and wipe our penises across your facial beauty bars. Or the way we'll put a couple of teaspoons of salt in your fish tank so the fishes all die and you'll sell the damn aquarium because you're so upset and that way we don't have to move the bloody thing for you when you get your next apartment.
You know, stuff like that.
The Snark Hunt is up and active over at Kate's place. Don't know what the Snark Hunt is? Well, it's simply the best posts of the blogosphere with all of the touchy-feely crap culled away.
First step, pick a kid friendly name, like The Wiggles. Do not pick a name that stands for terrorizing children.
We took Pooh Bear and two ninjas to a costume ball at a local mall yesterday. It was a one hour concert by a kids' band followed by a costume contest. The band was pretty good. They were high energy and got the kids, especially the little ones, dancing and participating in the music. Something bothered me about the band name though.
They were called "The Bugaboos". At first hearing it this sounds like a cute name. It's got "bug" in there and bugs are pretty popular with kids. They don't understand that "bug" also means "cockroach", "fire ant" and "black widow". For kids, "bug" means "daddy longlegs", "lady bug" and "cricket". But "bugaboo" sat wrong with me. I've got a fairly decent vocabulary but I couldn't think of specifically why it bothered me but it certainly did.
When we got home (none of our munchkins won the contest - it was rigged) I looked up "bugaboo" at Miriam Webster and found the definition:
1 : an imaginary object of fear 2 : BUGBEAR 2; also : something that causes fear or distress out of proportion to its importance
Yup, they named their band after the boogeyman. I seriously doubt that they intended to make their band name synonymous with childhood horror but that's where they ended up.
Moral of the story: When you pick a name for your band, go ahead and verify that it doesn't mean the exact opposite of what you are going for. When in doubt, use the Band Name Generator. Then again, Billy Manlove and the Amazing Hamster System might not be the best name for a kids' band either. Unless you're a priest.
Daylight Savings Time,
Oh, Daylight Savings Time,
You suck.
Warning: Vulgarity ahead.
Is Jim actually blogging on the weekend? Heck no. It's a beautiful autumn morning that's promissing to evolve into a fantastic autumn day. I'm about to mobilize the troops for an invasion of Stone Mountain.
But you can catch a couple of quality posts over at Writer's Noose. Chuck had a wierd morning and he has his very own troll now. He also has a post on a very disturbing EULA development.
Go visit and say Hi.
How are y'all liking the story aspect of Chuck's site? Good mix of actual development and bloggish entries? Anybody actually following along? Lemme know.
As long as you don't have a heart attack, of course. Seems Chuck had a bit of a scare today.
Swedish church takes step towards gay marriages
UPPSALA, Sweden (Reuters) - Sweden's national church has taken a first step towards allowing gay marriages after senior clerics voted to draft an order of service for such a ceremony.While any final ruling is still a long way off, advocates of gay weddings celebrated the decision by the General Synod, the supreme church body consisting of about 250 clerics and lay officials.
The Swedish Church, formed soon after German cleric Martin Luther split with Roman Catholicism in the 16th century starting the Reformation, is one of the world's most liberal on sexual issues, allowing gay ministers and gay marriage blessings.
"It is a step towards making this reality but a solid theological foundation is needed before the church can go further," Archbishop K G Hammar told a news conference.
"The Swedish church has thus taken a prophetic role upon itself," lesbian pastor Ann-Cathrin Jarl told Reuters at the assembly in Uppsala, north of Stockholm, on Thursday. "We are the first major church that has come to that point."
Y'all thought that Kevin Bacon was the most connected actor in all Hollywood? After all there's that whole "6 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon" thing. Nay, nay, Fluffy. The truth is that the coveted spot is occupied by the one and only Rod Steiger who, despite having 119 films under his belt, is most famous for causing people to scratch their heads in consternation wondering "Who the hell is Rod Steiger?"
Steiger has an average separation of 2.651939. That is, there are about 2.65 degrees of separation between Steiger and any off-hand actor. Bacon has an average separation of a staggering 2.941131! That puts Kevin 1221 places out of first for best center of the Hollywood Universe.
This and other myths of the Hollyverse exposed by The Oracle of Bacon at Virgina.
(Hat tip G)
Time to vote in the best weekly contest for new bloggers. Today I'm taking my cue from Susie and voting for Defending the Blogosphere Front in the War on Terrorism from Irreconcilable Musings.
Unfortunately politics seems to be rearing its head in the Showcase itself as a block of liberal blogs attempt to promote their agenda at the expense of a fair contest. Not that such an action couldn't have been taken by righty blogs, of course. Except it wasn't. And never seems to be. Peculiar, that.
Than a slice of aged Cheddar,
In the mooooooooorningk.
(Read that in a Bugs Bunny singing voice for the full effect.)
And vice versa.
The Letter of the Day is was "B".
"B" is for Buffoon. Chuck's take on the recent anti-spam legislation sure makes the Senate look like buffoons.
So this morning I opened up the old email and had 3, count them 3, spam mails for spam blocking programs. There's just something fundamentally wrong with this marketing approach. It's like a kevlar manufacturer drumming up business by walking around and shooting people.
Normally I delete spam faster than it can register (Spambayes filters the crap out into my "Delete me, I am an intrusive mass marketing email" folder where I summarily dismiss it after a cursory glance at the subject field) but one of these anti-spam spams happened to be the first in the folder so I got a look at it in time to halt my fingers in their automatic pressing of shift-delete. Here's the jewel that caught my attention:
Description:The Most Powerful, Effective & Intelligent ANTI-SPAM BLOCKING program EVER!
Automatically cleans spam messages out of your mailbox before you receive or read them!
Anti-spam blocking?
Do they even proof this crap before subjecting the world to their drivel? Spam blocking software would block spam. Anti-spam software would work against spam. Anti-spam blocking means that their software works against techniques to block spam. In other words they are saying "Use our product to make sure that all of the spam sent to you gets around any spam blocking systems you have in place."
Retards.
When she was growing up in South Korea, Sumi Lough says, she used the traditional pencil sharpener that all children there used: a 2-inch-long blade that folds into a small handle.Now a resident of Katy, Lough went to a school supply store while visiting Seoul, South Korea, and bought one of the sharpeners for her daughter to use.
But what may be considered a routine item for schoolchildren there was alarming enough in the Katy school district to get Lough's 13-year-old daughter in deep trouble. School officials viewed it as a potential weapon.
Lots of good stuff over at Writer's Noose. Chuck's having a bad day (boat trouble) and has some snarky type posts. Go visit and say hi.
Rice-a-Roni, The SanFrancisco Treat.
Rice. A tasty side dish, certainly, but a treat? I can't imagine getting a hankering for a treat and thinking "You know what would be a nifty little pick-me-up? A nice bowl of Rice-a-Roni. Yeah, that's the ticket." As far as treats go I have to rate Rice-a-Roni way down on the list. Well below traditional items like cookies and pastry. I'm thinking it would even fall below a medium rare steak on the old Treat-o-Meter. So what exactly is up with "The SanFrancisco Treat"?
G and I think we have it figured out. What is SanFrancisco well known for, besides the aforementioned rice treat? Yes, that's right. Homosexuals. It seems pretty clear that Quaker Oats (The company that makes Rice-a-Roni and it's non-treat cousin Pasta-Roni. And why exactly is rice a treat but pasta isn't?) is inferring that the preferred treat to the homosexual palate is a tasty dish of rice.
This is very interesting and raises several questions. Why do homosexuals prefer rice to more common "straight treats"? Is this seeming sensual oddity a side effect of homosexuality or a cause of it? And most importantly, can this preference for rice be used as a substitute or enhancement of a straight person's gaydar?
We quickly decided that the first two questions lacked sufficient humor potential would likely require federal funding to investigate fully so we concentrated on the last one. Could we develop a system that uses the knowledge of tasty rice being a preferred homosexual treat to assist homophobes the world over? And, more importantly, would there be any way to make money off of it? We believed that we could indeed develop such a system but there would be little profit potential. Any money we made would most likely be lost when we were sued by Quaker Oats. Therefore our system, known as the "Rice-a-Roni Homosexual Evaluation System", or more simply the "Rice-a-Roni Test" would be open source and free for use by any and all.
Our first step was to verify that tasty rice was not a preferred treat for heterosexuals. We took a poll of our straightt coworkers (male and female) and the unanimous decision was that they did not seek out Rice-a-Roni as a treat, or even as a snack. Some admitted to occasionally using the product as a meal instead of its intended use as a side dish but even that was done rarely and only when "there wasn't anything else in the house". We did not, of course, poll homosexuals as Quaker Oats already established the homosexual preference for tasty rice as a treat and we didn't want to get beat up or anything when said homosexuals found out what we were doing.
A second poll established that all straight respondents viewed chocolate chip cookies as an acceptable treat. For most it ranked quite high or at the top of their overall treat preferences. Even the ones that didn't have a particular love for chocolate chip cookies still preferred them to Rice-a-Roni as a treat source.
Our groundwork done we set about constructing the "Rice-a-Roni Homosexual Evaluation System". Being computer nerds this naturally fell into a flow chart. The beauty of this system is its simplicity. No training is needed to administer the test, simply follow along on the flow chart according to the responses of the subject. Note that although the original intent of this test was revelation of homosexuality for homophobes (gaydar enhancement) it can just as easily be used by sexually confused persons to determine their own sexuality or as a dating assistant for homosexuals. There's a much lower chance of an awkward situation developing when asking a prospective partner if they like cookies instead of grabbing his/her ass and jamming a tongue in an ear.
So without further ado, here is the "Rice-a-Roni Homosexual Evaluation System":
The Letter of the Day is was "A".
"A"is for Alternative. Is man juice a decent alternative to facial cream?
(Hat tip G)
The Writer's Noose is a short story in weblog format. It was presented on the sly in the tradition of War of the Worlds. Some regular readers of Snooze Button Dreams were aware that it was a work of fiction but the majority of commenters on that site were honestly unaware. Of the authors and commenters there, Chuck, Burger Queen, Alan and Becky were my characters. All of the others were readers.
Start at the beginning and read on through. I hope you enjoy the story as much as I enjoyed writing it.
The original post that was in this spot has been saved in the extended entry.
Neither has he.
Looks like Hosting Matters is under attack again. What's this, the 3rd in 3 days?
NOT!
Crash Different (Frikkin hillarious 3.45 MB .wmv file)
When she's in California. Then she's just part of the crowd.
Smucker Sued Over '100 Percent Fruit' Label
A California woman with a "sensitive palate" has filed a proposed class-action lawsuit against the J.M. Smucker Co claiming that its familiar label is misleading since its spreadable jam is less than half fruit.Tests on "simply 100 percent" strawberry jam revealed that the spread contained less than 30 percent actual strawberries and the blueberry version contained just 43 percent berries, the lawsuit said.
The premium jam also contains fruit syrup, lemon juice concentrate, fruit pectin, red grape juice concentrate and natural flavors, according to the Smuckers Web site.
Fruit syrup is from fruit, right? I mean it's right there in the name. Fruit syrup. As far as I know, lemons have not been declassified as fruits. Then there's fruit pectin. Again, the "fruit" right there in the name. Pectin is "any of various water-soluble substances that bind adjacent cell walls in plant tissues and yield a gel which is the basis of fruit jellies". In other words, this is the stuff that transforms fruit mush into preserves. Red grapes are fruit, yes? They don't say what the natural flavors are but I have a strange hunch that they might be something fruity.
So is this case being brought by:
- A wacko who genuinely believes that she has been ripped off.
- An idiot that doesn't understand the difference between 100% strawberry and 100% fruit.
- Your average sue happy con looking for a quick buck in an overly litigious society.
Swedish drinkers offered wider choice
BRUSSELS (Reuters) - Swedish drinkers should have a wider choice after the EU's executive ordered Sweden to make it easier to import wine, beer and spirits.Commission spokesman Jonathan Todd said the main impact of the decision would be to increase choice rather than reduce prices. Importers will still have to pay Sweden's hefty alcohol duties.
In a completely fallacious interview (not "fellatious" - get your mind out of the gutter), Todd stated that "It was necessary that we take steps to make Europe in general and Sweden in particular more attractive to Helen. She's been outside Europe for only a few days but her absence is already having deleterious effects. Especially in France."
No, that's not true at all. I love to say "I told you so". I lurve to say it. It's one of my all time favorite phrases.
Rejoice my brothers and sisters in arms. Straight from the horse's mouth, the pronunciation is crik.
Yes, it's spelled "creek" and the crEk pronunciation is also correct. The point is that crik is valid too.
To all of you people who throughout my entire life have told me that saying crik was colloquial and incorrect: The line to kiss my ass forms to the right. One at a time please and no cutting.
The first round of the Great G Name Contest has concluded. Results:
G-Whiz (7)
G-Muse (7)
G-Stringer (3)
G-Riffic (4)
Golly-G (0)
Spot (5)
Zone (0)
Wingman (3)
Giblet (3)
Goober (1)
The second semi-final poll has been posted. The top two here (G-Whiz and G-Muse) will compete with the top two from the new poll in the final poll to saddle G with a nickname.
Let your voice be heard! Vote early and often!
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: Father, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!
(Hat tip G)
Rubin Wants Middle Name 'Peace Activist'
SANTA MONICA, Calif. - Jerry Rubin, the region's indefatigable pacifist and former City Council candidate, went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court to challenge the city's refusal to print "peace activist" as his occupation on the ballot.On Thursday, he filed for a legal name change so that he'll be known legally as Jerry Peace Activist Rubin. A Superior Court hearing on the request is set for Dec. 11, Rubin's 60th birthday.
And if the court says no to "Peace Activist" as a middle name he has others to try:
- Jerry Nut Bar Rubin
- Jerry Spacecake Rubin
- Jerry Attention Deprived Rubin
- Jerry I'm So Glad I Live In Cali Cause This Idiocy Wouldn't Be Tolerated Elsewhere Rubin
Read Dong's very moving story about his battle with a high tech crapper.
*Bah-whooooosh!*Whu-?
Why are the ones in the other stalls flushing? I'm the only human in here. They can't communicate, can they?*Bah-whooooosh!*
*Bah-whooooosh!*
*Bah-whooooosh!*Jesus. Hyenas do this... one hangs out near a watering hole, waits for a weak prey to show up and then it calls out to the pack.
And no, I haven't the slightest clue what I was trying to do with that title.
We went to the park yesterday. The kids gather stones to throw into the crick (Yes, Lovely Wife, the term is "crick" and you will have to do more than withold favors to get me to utter that profanity of normalcy "creek". It's been "crick" since I was a wee lad on Aunt Evelyn's farm and "crick" it shall remain until my dying days. And I will polute our childrens' vocabulary with this anachronistic styling if it's the last thing I do. It is one of my missions in life.) and the canine does his best to add flavor to every tree, bush, fallen stick and clump of grass in the forest.
It's finished but it won't be posted here. I was about to post part 2 when I had an idea. A perfectly wonderful, awful idea. Don't be saddened by my grinchy nature for in about a week my heart will grow three sizes and I'll let y'all know where to find it.
Chip Maker Finds Bombs Among Potatoes
SALEM, Ore. - Workers at a Kettle Foods potato chip plant were feeding potatoes into a machine that sorts out stones and other debris this week when a 3-pound military bomb popped out.General manager Marc Cramer said the shipment from a Pasco, Wash., farm also contained a second bomb.
Police determined they were dummy military ordnance left over from a time when the military used the farm as a practice bombing range.
Cramer said Kettle Foods has a painstaking inspection process to cull all debris from potatoes.
Maybe we should contract airport security to Kettle Foods?
I am continuously amazed by the things people search for that get my blog as a match. Let's take a look:
...shouldn't "denude" mean to put clothes on?
No sign of Great Wall of China from space
BEIJING (Reuters) -- China's first man in space said the Earth looked beautiful from his orbiting capsule but he couldn't find the Great Wall.
No shit, Sherlock. You can't see most rivers from low Earth orbit, why do people think you can see a 20 foot wide wall?
MIAMI (Reuters) - Tall people earn considerably more money throughout their lives than their shorter co-workers, with each inch adding about $789 (472 pounds) a year in pay, according to a study.
I am SO going to start a class action suit.
Store Gives Free Clothes to Nude Shoppers
LISBON, Portugal - Dozens of young Portuguese stripped down to dress up Wednesday when a clothes store offered free designer wear for anyone shopping naked.
Why can't American stores come up with creative gimmicks like this? I'd even shop at Old Navy if I could catch an eye candy treat like this. Hey, Fran Drescher might have a voice like nails on a chalk board but she's got an ass that screams "Tag this!"
It's time for some Cheddar X.
You knew it was coming. I was nice enough to wait until after lunchtime to make sure I didn't ruin any appetites. Except for y'all out West who are 3 hours back of me. You may want to go chow down and then come back to this.
I took a crap at work today.
Hey, that sort of works with the Pearl Jam song "Jeremy". Let's try it out:
Jim is crappin' at work today
Jim is crappin' at work today
Clearly I remember
Sittin' on the can
Seemed a harmless little crap
But he unleashed a pile
Clenched his teeth
And bore down on his ass
How can I forget
He hit me with that surprise stench
My nose left hurtin
Eyes were burnin
Just like The Crew
That stinkin AM Crew
Okay, enough levity. It's time to recount my horror. By sharing this with you I increase the total amount of revulsion in the world, thereby decreasing my own revulsion relative to the mean.
Ted Rall is a commie asshole!
I made a blogchange that you might like. The website links in the sidebar are now in collapsable/expandable lists instead of that long-ass string of links. Yeah, I know the category color is too light. I'll work on that later. It was all about functionality so far.
UPDATE: Got the formatting fixed on the collapsable link lists. How do y'all like this? Good? Bad? Ugly? "Oh my Lord I cannot believe I have lived this long without collapsable lists!"? Lemme know.
Do you poop at work?
How, with such a horrid stench?
Better to suffer.
Do you have a poop haiku? Share it with us!
The alarm didn't go off this morning. Actually I can't guarantee that - it's possible that it went off and I turned it off and fell asleep instead of getting out of bed. It didn't go off because the alarm switch was firmly in the "off" position. So even if I didn't screw up this morning and turn it off then go back to sleep it's still my fault for not turning it on last night. That really blows because I'd like to blame this morning on somebody else.
Normally it wouldn't be a big problem if the alarm didn't go off. I usually wake up at around 3:50 and stare at the alarm clock until 4:00 hits and it lets off its piercing (and quickly silenced) bleat. That happens when I go to bed on time, anyway. Last night, due to some nocturnal activities that don't need to be spelled out and will resurface later in this diatribical self flaggelation, I went to bed late. This morning I woke up with that self congratulatory sensation of "Ah, I woke up naturally. I shall now turn over and gaze fondly at the digital countdown as it marches its way towards my assigned time of arrisal."
The Carnival of the Vanities (#56 if you're counting) is up and at 'em over at Priorities & Frivolities. It's a long one (as if there were ever short ones!) but laid out nice so you can cherry pick the stuff you like.
Discipline Decided In Student Inhaler Incident
MONTGOMERY COUNTY, Texas -- A meeting was held Friday for a student accused of breaking school rules and state law by giving his girlfriend his inhaler when she had trouble breathing, News2Houston reported.Andra Ferguson and her boyfriend, Brandon Kivi, both 15, use the same type of asthma medicine, Albuterol Inhalation Aerosol.
Ferguson said she forgot to bring her medication to their school, Caney Creek High School, 16840 FM 2090, on Sept. 24. When she had trouble breathing, she went to the nurse's office.
Out of concern, Kivi let her use his inhaler.
But the school nurse said it was a violation of the district's no-tolerance drug policy, and reported Kivi to the campus police. He was suspended for three days and charged with delivering a dangerous drug. He faced expulsion and being sent to juvenile detention on juvenile drug charges.
Critic Falls for 3-Year-Old Boy's Art
The artist whose work is hanging at an island gallery has sold a piece, attracted the attention of a critic and been compared to the art world's greats by his biggest admirers.He's also three years old.
The toddler uses brushes, scrapers and sponges and his "studio" is usually a newspaper-covered floor at the Lambs' south Georgia home.
Hehe. Hehehe. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Art. Speh.
HER DIARY
October 15, 2003, - Last night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset? He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. After about 10 minutes he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
10/14/03 - Cubbies lost today, but at least I got laid.
(Hat tip G)
The Letter of the Day is was "H".
"H" is for Homicide. That's what Kill Bill is all about.
The Bonfire of the Vanities has just been lit. Go and see the worst that the web has to offer.
Contrary to whatever I was thinking, Pollhost offers 10 options in a poll, not 20. Guess they don't go in for "California balloting". I can't get the 20 finalists down to 10 by myself (I lack that degree of determinalistic confidence) so we'll do two rounds of semi-finalists and then a Grand Pubah of Polls, Winner Takes All final round.
The first set of ten options is up now in the sidebar to the right. Go forth and vote!
References:
My original plea for help
The Culling of the Herd
I caught a fairy. A freaking fairy, can you believe it? Nasty looking thing, too. Two feet tall, scaly skin, big floppy ears, slanted eyes and a mouth full of teeth that could shred a side of beef in seconds. Freaking pirranha teeth. "You know, fairies can skeletonize a cow in 15 seconds" teeth. It's sitting over there right now staring at me and gnashing those rippers. Freaking unnerving, man.
You don't believe me? Guess I can't blame you. You don't know me from Adam after all and this isn't exactly the most commonplace thing in the world. A literal fairy tale with me as the main character and no idea how the story ends. Except that fairy tales have an annoying tendency to end with BAD THINGS happening to Joe Hero so I'm not all that happy to be cast in the role. Okay then, fair's fair. I'll give you the 411 and then you can activate your suspension of disbelief for my benefit and your edification.
Fantastic feedback on a new name for G. In fact, too much and too fantastic. We'll poll to see what G's new name will be but I needed to pare down the field a bit. If one of your suggestions is in the recycle bin here don't take it as an insult. I still appreciate your effort, it's just that you obviously don't love me enough.
Scene: Darkened bedroom
Lovely Wife: Ohhhhhh. Ahhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.
Me: Mmmmmmm.
LW: Oooooooooooooooh!
Me: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
LW: Ah! Oh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
(Click - bedroom lights come on)
LW: AHHH!
Me: SHIT!
The Snark Hunt is on! Get your weekly dose of invective and sarcasm (snarkasm?) to get you through the weekend.
Governments spend way too much money supporting special interests that are fundamentally self supporting. When the Nederlander High Council (or whatever it's called over there in Holland) cut funding to the Royal Dutch Athletics Union, motivated sportsters took matters in their own hands (so to speak).
The Letter of the Day is was "F".
"F" is for Furtive. Installing malware on people's computers as part of your anti-piracy effort is bad enough. When you do it without their permission you are being furtive.
the SunnComm technique relies on installing antipiracy software directly from the protected CD itself.
"F" is for Fool. When your anti-piracy technique can be completely circumvented with a basic Windows function you are quite a fool.
However, this can be prevented by stopping Microsoft Windows' "auto-run" feature. That can be done simply by pushing the Shift key as the CD loads.
"F" is also for Farcical. When you sue a guy for showing people how to use a basic Windows function to defeat your malware the entire thing has a farcical air.
"This is completely outrageous," said Fred von Lohmann, an attorney for the Electronic Frontier Foundation, a group that has previously represented computer academics concerned that copyright law would impair their ability to publish. "This is not black hat (hackers') exploits he's revealing. This is Windows 101...It is relatively hard to imagine any better example of how the DMCA has been misused since it was passed five years ago."
"F" is for Fair. When exposure of your easily defeated anti-piracy malware results in severe repercussions to your company, that's fair.
The damage to SunnComm's reputation, while not necessarily permanent, was quickly seen in a drop in its market value, totaling close to $10 million over several days, Jacobs said. No final decisions about legal action have been made, he added.
Lastly, "F" is for Freedom. Here in the USA we have certain protected freedoms. One of them is about speech.
Halderman said he's not overly worried about the legal threat. The EFF represented his advisor, Princeton professor Edward Felten, in a lawsuit dealing with academic freedom to publish computer security information, and Princeton University supported Felten in that case."I expect I will be well-represented in the case of a lawsuit," Halderman said. "If pressing the Shift key is a violation of the DMCA, then the law needs to be changed."
(Hat tip to G)
A while ago while jesting about some of the searches that find my site I made an offer for people to send in their homoerotic dreams for me to interpret them. The response has been absolutely overwhelming and of a broader scope than simple interpretation. There are people out there who need my advice and help and by gosh I'm gonna give it to 'em! I've been answering these inquiries personally but have culled a select few to share with the readership at large.
Doctor Jim,I discovered my homosexuality several years ago and have been doing my best to become comfortable with myself and explore my sexuality. I am very happy with just about everything except for my one major failing. I am unable to come up with any genuine homoerotic fantasies and I have never had a homoerotic dream. Can you help?
Todd,
San Francisco, CA
I've got a problem. My primary source of humor content and obscure insight is feeling slighted. You see, I have witty and clever aliases for the people in my life when I write about them in my blog. There's Lovely Wife and the boys (Bear, Bacon and Burger), Lil Bro, etc. But G is just "G". Yesterday he left a comment here and signed it "Mysterious" G and I ragged on him for it. He's not at all mysterious and I teased him that he was being a little bit self-aggrandizing taking a moniker like that.
Well, I could tell that he was hurt by my wicked barbs and that he feels slighted to have only an initial when everybody else has a nickname. He posted another comment and signed it only "G" and you can feel the disappointment dripping off of it.
People, we must keep G happy! As he supplies better than 80% of the decent content on this site his happiness is of critical import. I must come up with a nickname for G!
But I've got a problem there. The basic reason that I use "G" is because I don't have a nickname for him. The last nickname he had was G-Dog but that was back in the mid to late 90's and it is just too dated. I need something new and fresh and maybe even appropriate (although I'm not married to that last one) and I can't think of a damned thing. I know him too well and for all the years I've known him I've only thought of him by his name. Even G-Dog was an appelation given to him by my old housemate E-Dog. And this is why you must come up with a nickname for G.
I'd say that I want to go for quality over quantity but that's not strictly true. Quantity has benefits too, not the least of which is better odds on getting at least a couple humorous suggestions. Please give this subject a serious bit of thought (at least 5 to 15 seconds) and leave your suggested nicknames in the comments.
Depending on the number of responses I might do a poll for the winning nick and give away fabulous prizes*.
I thank you, the soon to be renamed G thanks you, The Snooze itself thanks you.
Update: And no sour cream references, please.
"You can't beat that with a stick."
Yes you can. You can beat anything with a stick. And for most things a stick beating has a definite effect.
Go ahead, try to think of something that I can't beat with a stick. And let me warn you, if you go for something metaphysical or allegorical or hypothetical I am going to whack the shit out of it with my metaphysical, allegorical, hypothetical stick.
The point is that there was a perfectly good phrase: "You can't beat that."
Simple, to the point, clear meaning. You can't beat that. That can't be bested. This thing I'm talking about is the best. See? It worked.
Then somebody (probably the same jackhole that came up with "eXtreme") decided that the best wasn't enough. We need better than best. Not "you can't beat that". Oh no, that's not enough. We need "you can't beat that, not even with a stick."
It's clever, see? A play on "beat". First we mean "do better than" and then we add that second "beat" for a physical beating component. Well, no. It's not especially clever. It's pretty moronic. The two just don't go together. The original was never meant in a physical sense so adding the bastard addition does nothing but confuse the intent of the phrase.
But then the original and the addition were folded together. "You can't beat that with a stick." No more separation to show the intended play on "beat". Now it's either a blatant literal falsity or a tangenital impossibility, depending on the subject of the phrase. It doesn't mean anything anymore.
It's not clever. It's stupid. Stop using it. Stop encouraging idiocy in my beloved language. What's next? "You can't beat that with an eXtreme stick"?
Oh, the horror.
Hikers Find 70 Shoes Filled With Butter
A Swedish couple hunting on a remote mountain Sunday in Sweden's far northern province of Jaemtland found 70 pairs of shoes, all filled with butter.He [Alf Kjaellstroem, a province spokesman] said there were 140 shoes of all kinds — sneakers, children's shoes, high heels, boots and tap shoes — each stuffed with half a kilo (1.1 pound) of butter and spread out in the landscape.
140 shoes. Filled with butter. Set out in the remote landscape. Waiting to rot.
What is this? A turf war between the Shoe Fairies and the Butter Goblins? Somebody call Roland, quick!
The find was similar to one done by artist Yu Xiuzhen's in 1996.His exhibit "Shoes With Butter," was laid out in the Tibetan mountains surrounding Lhasa, China.
No, no, no! This is not art. The Mona Lisa is art. David is art. The Sistine Chapel is art. Shoes filled with butter laid out in the remote landscape to rot is not art. It is prima-fascia evidence to put somebody in the Happy House.
"If we knew who had done this we could make them clean this mess up," Alf told The Associated Press Thursday.
I don't know about that, Alf. Reuters would probably do a big write up of how you're stifling the "artist's" mode of expression. Oh, wait a sec. You're not in America. Don't worry about it.
First we have McGruff the Crime Tiger taking a bite out of Roy. Then there's the Alaskan bear helping Tim Treadwell through the qualifying rounds of the Darwin Awards. Now we've got a bear raiding David Letterman's whisky cabinet.
Now that all of the craziness in California is taken care of we can get back to the important stuff like voting in the New Weblog Showcase. This week I'm going for one each of Funny, Serious and Southern. I was going to have a "Moonbat" category 'cause there's a couple of real lu-lus this week but I can't bring myself to give them traffic.
Funny: The Cult of Random - When Good Tacos Go Bad
Serious: Wired Opinion - Abolition of the Death Penalty
Southern: Ain't Done It! - I Love This State
Here's me:
| The Big Five Personality Test |
| Extroverted | |||||||||||||| | 54% |
| Introverted | |||||||||||| | 46% |
| Friendly | |||||||||||||| | 58% |
| Aggressive | |||||||||||| | 42% |
| Orderly | |||||||||||||| | 56% |
| Disorderly | |||||||||||| | 44% |
| Relaxed | |||||||||||||||| | 66% |
| Emotional | |||||||||| | 34% |
| Intellectual | |||||||||||||| | 58% |
| Practical | |||||||||||| | 42% |
Did you check out my emotional stability? 66% bay-bee! Oh, yeah! Rock on with my well adjusted self.
Then wander on down to Dancing With Dogs for the 55th edition of the Carnival of the Vanities.
Open Scene: Jim and G have just sat down for lunch. G is enjoying a turkey sandwich while Jim has leftover homemade mashed potatos.
Jim: Mmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmmm.
G: What is that you're eating?
Jim: Mashed potatos. Leftover from last night. They're heavenly.
G: They're only mashed potatos. You sound like you're having an orgasm in your mouth.
Jim: That's how good they are.
G: No mashed potato is that good.
(Jim gives G a taste of the mashed potatos.)
G: I've had worse but I've had better too. You know what would make them taste even better?
Jim: Cheese.
G: No, not cheese!
Jim: Everything tastes better with cheese.
G: Whatever. I was talking about sour cream.
Jim: Oh, yeah. A dab of sour cream can really be the difference. Lovely Wife usually puts some in but we didn't have any. Hey, you know what else sour cream is good for?
G: Masturbation.
Jim: (Stunned silence)
G: You mean besides that?
Jim: (Continued silence)
G: You caught a visual, didn't you?
Jim: Yeah.
G: Sorry bout that. You going to be okay?
Jim: Yeah.
Close Scene: Sound of one person eating as screen fades to black.
9 out of 10, baby! Beat that!
(Hat tip to G)
Bear Mauling Kills Grizzly Advocate, Friend
An advocate of grizzly bear protection and his camping companion were mauled to death by one or more bears in a remote part of Alaska's Katmai National Park and Preserve, officials said Tuesday.Treadwell was the founder of Grizzly People, an organization devoted to the protection of grizzly bears and their habitat. According to the group's Web site, Treadwell's practice was to travel to bear country without weapons.
It was the first fatal bear attack in Katmai for at least 15 years, the Park Service said. The park is known as one of the world's premier sites for viewing huge brown bears, the coastal cousins of grizzlies, as they feast on salmon.
When park rangers and state troopers flew to the remote site to recover the bodies, they had to kill two aggressive bears that were threatening them, officials said.
Treadwell made a practice of getting within inches of the animals, but the Park Service recommends a 50-yard distance, he said.
Irony? As H would say, "buckets and buckets of it". There's the obvious one - protector of the bears is eaten by one. There's another good one in there though - two of the bears he dedicated himself to protecting were killed in order to collect his leftover bits. The critical portion is the last line, of course. He might have loved bears but he was an idiot, approaching to within inches of wild bears. That qualifies him for the Darwin Awards.
The Letter of the Day is was "L".
"L" is for Landslide. They just had one in California.
(Link ripped from WizBang)
Just when I think that there's nothing to write about, the boys' preschool comes through for me. They're having a fundraiser now and instead of pizza kits or cookies they're offering selections from a catalog of inspirational materials. My jaw dropped and my fingers started itching to type when i saw the Bibleman collectible Action Figures. You just can't make this stuff up, folks.
The Bibleman Theme Song
(With my apologies to the webbed one.)
Bibleman, Bibleman
Rosary in his hand
Spouting verse, benedictions
Watching o'er congregations
Look out!
Here comes the Bibleman
Is he wise? Listen hun,
He's as good as Solomon
Can he run confessional?
Like a true professional
Look out!
There goes the Bibleman
When Satan rears his head
And there's danger to the flock
He's there to break the bread
In his cassock and a frock
Bibleman, Bibleman
Savin' your soul, Why? Because he must
Bibleman, Bibleman
Savin' immortality, yeah, In God we trust
Look out!
Mortal life is just parole
Cause heaven is his goal
That's right, he's Bibleman!
The Bonfire of the Vanities is up over at WizBang. This week has an extra special feature - our own recall vote! Be sure to do your civic duty and help to get rid of the worst post of the blogosphere.
Do you remember O'Gradys chips from Frito-Lay? These were gloriously thick ridged chips available in Au'gratin or Sour Cream & Chives flavor. I got such a hankering for them the other day that I tried to manufacture my own. Got some Lays rippled chips and some cheddar cheese sliced real fine. Take a bite of chip and a bite of cheese. It's okay but it just didn't bring back the magic.
Man, oh man, did Pops and I love those chips. Step Mom would get one bag for the both of us when she went shopping. She shopped once a week, usually on Monday. Do the math here: (1 bag o' chips) / (high school student + adult male) * (1 full week) = (insufficient chips for harmonious living). Thanks, Step Mom. Thanks for adding that extra layer of tension between us. My raging hormones weren't causing quite enough problems without the two of us competing for food like hyenas of the Serengetti.
Anyway, like I said, we had a bag per week between the two of us. There was a set of very well defined unwritten rules for O'Gradys consumption:
Or at least the men who act like them?
German men get own kindergarten
German women fed up with their partners' grumbling on weekend shopping trips can now dump them at a special kindergarten for men offering beer and entertainment.The men are given a name badge on arrival and for 10 euros (7 pounds) they get two beers, a hot meal, televised football and games.
"Last week the men had a remote control car to play with. Next week there's going to be a mini racetrack," said Stein.
"It beats sitting around in shoe shops, that's for sure," one man told the Sueddeutsche Zeitung newspaper.
At first glance this looks pretty cool. Guys get food, booze and toys instead of holding the purse while wifey tries on yet another outfit. That's awesome! What guy wouldn't love that?
Then sanity rears its ugly head as you realize that the entire concept is just plain stupid. If you don't want to shop with your lady then simply don't go shopping with your lady.
The polls will soon open on the highly contested California recall election. Who to vote for? All of the serious candidates have been dragged so thoroughly through the mud by their competition that it seems like your choice is either the lesser of evils or a throwaway vote for a porn star. I say forget everything you've said or know about any of the candidates. Let's face it, their personality and past actions don't really matter squat for how well they will handle the reigns when they're in office and there's no way to know how well they will handle those reigns until they are in office. Lacking anything practical to measure them with i recommend using something impractical. Specifically, the entymology of their names. Why the hell not? It's about as accurate a measure of their worth as anything you've read or heard about them.
That said, there are really only two choices we have to worry about. Sorry, Gary, you're not even a long shot in this one. And Arianna, you have a better chance of getting groped by Arnold than you do getting anything close to a respectable percentage of the vote. Actually, that's a bad example. You've got an excellent chance of getting groped by Arnold, no chance for the vote. Anyway, here's how Cruz "Bustamove" Bustamonte and Arnold "Governator" Schwartzenegger stack up:
Bustamonte: "busta" (busto) is Spanish for "bust" as in bosom or breasts. "monte" means "it mounts", also in Spanish. So a vote for Cruz is a vote for mounting busts, more typically known as "getting in the saddle".Schwartzenegger: "schwartz" (schwartzes) is German for "black". There's no need to spell out what "negger" means. A vote for Arnold is obviously a vote for the African American man.
So who would you rather have as Governor of California? A Democrat who is going to have his office characterized by sex scandals or a Republican who will be dedicated to support of minorities? I know where my vote would go.
One burning question has lingered in the thoughts of women across the world since the very beginning of civilization. "Why the hell are guys like that?" Or more specifically, "Why can't I have a rational conversation with a guy without him looking at my boobs every five seconds or having his eyes glaze over as he strokes his mental stiffy with thoughts of me in a naughty French maid outfit, two nipple clamps and a short but firm whip?"
The Male Conspiracy has kept the answer to this question closely guarded, forcing you gals to come up with your own wild conjectures. Some of you have studied animal behaviors and attributed those to us. Others say that evolution has programmed us with this behavior and even millenia of civilized living cannot counter that. Still others blame our culture for fostering an ideal of the womanhunter that we all strive unconciously to attain.
Nope. The true answer is that fire is the reason and you are the cause. Totally, completely, 100%, en totale your fault. You did it. Well maybe not you specifically but other women like you. Specifically, it was our Moms.
The Letter of the Day is was "V", as in Vulgarity. When aging rockers cuss on the air they violate the FCC's vulgarity rules.
France's Filthy Swine and My Arse Go to Eat Onions
"Tired of being sniggered at, people from French villages whose names sound like "Filthy Swine" and "My Arse" plan a weekend get-together in a tiny hamlet whose name means "Eat Onions" in old French.Quirky French place names are nothing new to some English-speaking tourists who several times a year make off with signposts from the southwestern town of Condom."
These are actually some of the better sounding French villages. Retard-foutu, L'âne-lèchent and Chienne-du-nouvel-os were not invited to this gathering as their village names have such foul meanings.
(Remember our friend Babelfrench.)
No Thongs or Midriffs Please, Say French Schools
"French schools are cracking down on a craze among teenage girls to flash their midriffs and wear skimpy G-strings that peek brazenly out from above their low-cut trousers.A number of head teachers in France -- where school uniforms are practically unheard of -- have slapped a ban on showing off thongs and tummies, the French daily Le Parisien said on Friday. "In the eyes of boys, thongs reduce girls to bottoms," former junior education minister Segolene Royal said."
Problem here. France has exactly one and only marketable domestic resource - French girls. (Nobody buys their wine anymore.) If they start forcing French girls out of sexy clothing then not even the mighty Chirac could save their faltering economy.
Sick of cigarette warnings? Hide them!
"A French firm has found a way to make money out of the large health warnings now required on new cigarette packs in the European Union (news - web sites) -- selling colourful cases to hide them.The Paris-based Dolmen has begun selling thin cardboard boxes for smokers to cover cigarette packs which, under an EU rule that came into force on Tuesday, must carry warnings such as "Smoking Kills" on every side."
The French, they prefer death by heat exhaustion. They are very disturbed to have a reminder of how unhealthy cigarettes are every time they reach for a smoke. So, in typical French fashion the solution is obvious. Hide them and they'll go away!
Especially, don't bite the neck that feeds you.
"Illusionist Roy Horn, half of the famed "Siegfried and Roy" entertainment duo, was fighting for his life after being savagely mauled by a tiger during his Las Vegas stage show."
Montecore, one of the signature white tigers used in the show, bit Roy on the neck. Roy is in critical but stable condition.
Newsflash: Tigers are dangerous creatures!
Strange stuff, me blogging on a Sunday. Lovely Wife is still abed, children #1 and #2 are quietly watching Rugrats and child #3 is still quiet upstairs in his crib. The planets have aligned to give me the very rarest of opportunities - weekend blog time.
So what have I done with this most precious of commodities? I've frittered it away on template work. I'm about 50% of the way towards what I can live with. Links have been brought over and a good portion of the formatting/color is fixed. 2 problems I could use some help with:
1) What code do I use to put in a sidebar item for archive post categories?
2) See that rude little teal section above the sidebar where the body color shows thru? I can't figure out where the heck that is coming from. As far as I can determine, my elements should be covering up all of the real estate there. Anybody care to take a peek and see where I screwed up? As a special incentive, I'll let you disparage my sitebuilding skills if you can identify the problem. How can you pass up that offer?
The DNS hasn't propogated yet but it should happen soon. When it does I'll be closing down the old place and officially start advertising this one. Probably will be tomorrow morning as I hear #3 bumping around upstairs now so I expect my blogging window is about to slam shut on my quickly retracting fingers.
"What do you do when you are $40 billion in debt? Drink a ButtMonkey."
(Hat tip to G)
There are nine different ways to pronounce 'ough' in English, each exemplified in this sentence:
"A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
(Hat tip G)
It's Friday but where's Johnny with my Cheese? I'm just going to go ahead and answer the questions that were posted to the board - they're most likely the ones that would be in the Cheddar X this week.
Where would you be if you were in a band?
Some dive bar where we'd be lucky to make $20 plus booze for each set. I have no musical ability whatsoever and I have to assume that any band that would have me in it would be so desperately bad that a great set for them would be one where they didn't get thrown off the stage.
Who do you support in Mapwar I, the Mappist Coalition (Snooze Button Dreams) or the Fairy Defamation League (Everyday Stranger)?
Hmmm...this is a tough one. After due consideration I must throw my support behind me. There's just no way I could give that support to a fairy killer.
There has recently been quite a bit of exposure regarding biased reporting from Iraq. Is it the responsibility of the news agencies to report good news as well as bad news?
No, it isn't. News agencies are either state run or they are corporations. If it's state run then its only responsibility is to spew the correct propaganda. If it is a corporation then its duty is to provide the consumer with the product that they wish to purchase. Generally speaking, death, misery and freakishness sell and that's what I expect from broadcast and print news sources. It's also why I don't watch broadcast news or subscribe to a newspaper. I get my news online where I can select varied sources that I believe represent a full spectrum of what's happening out there. That being said, I believe that the major news organizations will begin putting more human interest and success in Iraq stories out because the public has let them know that they want to hear these things. Demand and supply, that's all there is to it.
What should the age of consent be and why?
In an ideal world there shouldn't be any defined age of consent. People mature at different ages and different stages. There shouldn't be an automatic ability to drive at 16, vote and screw at 18, and drink at 21. Some people are ready earlier and some are ready later. Let people qualify for restricted activities through testing and proof of maturity.
Are you a Stealth Blogger? That is, do you let the people in your life know you blog? If so, why? If not, why not?
The only people in my life that know I'm a blogger are G and Lil Bro. G actually reads the blog; I don't know if Lil Bro does. I'm not hiding my blog - I use my real name, real location, etc - but I'm not promoting it to friends and family either.
NJ has just passed a law banning people from driving while drowsy. Do you think that this will be effective in preventing accidents, or just another law that will fall by the wayside after a few years?
It won't have any affect whatsoever, just like laws about cellphone use, eating, whatever. It is already illegal to drive under diminished capacity and if you get into an accident because of your diminished capacity then you will be judged at fault. This is just another redundant law that will further clutter up the books.
What is the best book that you have ever read? What made it such an excellent book?
A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin. This is beyond any shadow of a doubt the more detailed and entrancing tale I've ever read. Martin makes it come alive to such an extent that there were certain times that I had to put it down and walk away from it to process everything and settle down from the story.
To Blog*Spot that is. Snooze Button Dreams has left the land of server outtages, messed up archives and broken dreams links.
A very HUGE thank you to Pixy Misa who has deigned to host my poor self and welcomed me to the Munuvanian community. You are the man, Andrew.
Thanks also to Margi for convincing me it was worth it to get off of Blog*Spot and that it was easier than I feared. It was even easier than that, Margi! Andrew did everything. Hehe.
The old posts will be coming over sometime soon (as soon as I get the stuff that Andrew needs) and I'll monkey with the template when I get some time. Otherwise, please bear with me as I make the change to Moveable Type.
I just almost referse snarfed a mouthful of coffee all over the laptop. It's all Don's fault.
Hell on Earth is an alternative rock band known for it's stage antics, which have included grinding up rats in a blender. The group said last week on its Web site that a terminally ill member of a right-to-die group plans to commit suicide on stage in a political statement about euthanasia.
This brings up some interesting legal questions. Is suicide illegal? The band isn't actually assisting the act of suicide in any way so the whole assisted suicide thing doesn't come into play here. Can the police legally stop somebody from committing suicide?
('nother hat tip to G)
Expert: Tugging women's nipples not orthodox medical care
"It's never done," testified Dr. Sidney Weschler of South Dakota during the eighth week of Finkel's trial.
"Tugging the nipple annoys patients," he said.
What about tugging mens' nipples? If it turns out that isn't standard practice I am going to feel so abused.
(Hat tip to G for the link)
Yes, despite my very best intentions this will be a Crappy Post Day (tm). For those of you who have arrived since the last Crappy Post Day, that simply means that the posts you'll find today will pretty much blow chunks of partially digested gastronomica be pundity instead of the individually and lovingly crafted masterpieces you are accustomed to. In other words, I'm too busy to write so all I have time for is bitchin'.
'Tomb Raider' Video Game Blamed for Film Failure
I guess that says it all. The fact that it was a sequel to an abominably awful movie that did well solely due to its novelty, a geek fixation on a computer generated sex doll and a marked similarity between Angelina Jolie's boobies and that of the aforementioned pixelated fantasy figure had nothing to do with it. The additional facts of Angelina Jolie being revealed to posess the acting prowess of a turnip and having multiple psychoses plus the sequel having the exact same plot as the original had even less to do with this movie's box office performance.
UPDATE (SBD): I've just learned that H (aka "Helen", aka "Lithe Nimble-Bodied Chick", aka "The Fairy Menace") is a huge fan of the Tomb Raider movies. Not only did she see both of them multiple times in the theater but she purchased several copies of each on DVD to "do her part to support the franchise". Furthermore, many of her detailed sexual experiences were actually just sessions when she watched Cradle of Life, an experience that she feels is "incredibly orgasmic". That cobbled together electronic pleasure device that we all thought was a vibrator? Nope. VCR remote.
Help me show Helen the error of her ways. Support Snooze Button Dreams and The Mappist Coalition. Click on that "View the Guestmap" button in my right sidebar and sign my map. Show the Fairy Defamation League and Everyday Stranger that we will not tolerate anything but the truth in our titilation.
WARNING: Crude and vulgar stuff ahead.
On the ride into work today, G and I got on Hillary Clinton. Not literally on her, of course; she wasn't in the car with us. But we talked about her in the context of the 2008 election and what would happen if it came down to Condi and Hill. G thinks Condi would blow her away. I also think Condi would win but it would be close.
>From there the conversation naturally turned to sex with Hillary. Yes, that is a natural turn of conversation given the ungodly hour, the fact that she's female and that we are both heterosexual males. Actually the stream of conversation went sort of like this:
- Rush Limbaugh is a racist bastard. He intimated that McNabb is a popular quaterback because he's black and people want to see a successful black quarterback.
- That's just plain stupid thinking. 20 years ago it might have been plausible but there are loads of black quaterbacks, coaches, etc.
- Even outside of sports it's not plausible. Look at the Bush government. Conaleeza Rice and Colin Powell are two of the most powerful people in America and they're black.
- Either Colin or Condi will probably run in 2008.
- Bush is a lock in 2004 because the Radical Left is polarizing the Dems.
- Hillary is setting up for a 2008 run too. She's marginalizing the Left Dems already and will be in an excellent position to say "Told ya so. Let's try it my way" when Bush squashes whatever loon makes it out of the current Dem candidate pack to challenge him.
- Condi vs. Hillary in 2008 is not only possible, it's actually likely.
- Condi would crush Hill (G) or at least win on a margin (Me).
- I hate Hillary with a deep burning passion.
- I don't hate Hillary as a person but as a public persona and especially as a politician.
- I wouldn't hold it against Hillary if she slept around on Bill.
- Would you sleep with Hillary?
That last point of the conversation got the most development. It
Before I lose all of your respect, please let me answer some of the inevitable questions:
You said you hate her. Why would you have sex with somebody you hate?
I don't hate her, the person. Unlike many very vocal pundits I am more than able to separate the person from the politician. I have never personally met Hillary so I have no idea if I would actually hate her. I hate her lying, cheating, power grubbing, Clintonian ways. For all I know she's quite pleasant in person. In fact, she's probably quite charming face to face. You sort of have to be to get into a Senate seat.
Okay then, if you hate her policies so much and think she's a lying, thieving, cheating crook then isn't it a clash of your principles to be involved with her?
No, this is not a clash with my principles. I still wouldn't be voting for her, I'd just be gifting her with the pearl necklace on a semi-regular basis. There's a big difference. I don't agree with many of the political views of my wife but I still bang her.
Isn't she a bit "old" for you?
All right, I'll admit that Hill isn't a great looker. On the other hand, she's not a sow either. Contrary to modern advertisers' claims, it is not necessary for a woman to look like Cameron Diaz to attract a mate. I also don't have hangups about age. So long as I don't have to worry about snapping hips during the wild ride it's really not a concern for me.
Would you really sell your body for some gifts?
Of course not. I'd also be getting sex. You see, for the average guy there really isn't any such thing as being a prostitute. At least not within our normal comprehension of it. "I get to have sex with chicks and I get money? Rock on!! Hold on while I warm up my mangina."
Aren't you worried about what a relationship with Hillary (extramarital for her) would do to your reputation?
Are you serious? When has a reputation ever been a consideration for whether a guy has sex or not?
Back to her policies. You hate them so much and think she's such a lousy politician. What could you talk about? How would you actually have any kind of relationship?
I'm sure her economic policies would sound much better with my cock in her mouth.
What about after it's all over though. Wouldn't you be worried about some sort of repercussions?
I see only benefits. It would be much easier to argue her down against Hillarites. Oh, she rallied the Senate and got her pet bill passed? "Well she was an astoundingly bad lay." She's made another impassioned speach about socialized health care, reverse discrimination and how she continues to battle the vast right wing conspiracy? "I can tell you that she didn't speak so well with a ball gag in her yap hole." Hillary has opted into the 2008 Presidential race? "Yeah, that horse can run all right. Just like the day I put the saddle and blinders on her and shoved the pony tail butt plug up her ass."
So sure, I'd screw Hillary. Nothin' but pie there as far as I can see. How bout y'all? Guys (and ladies that go that way), what do you say?
I do not like that Clinton, Hill.
I do not like your wife there Bill.
I do not like her with a mouse.
I do not like her in The House.
I do not like her lying ways.
I do not like the cons she plays.
I do not want to hear her voice.
Please tell me that I have a choice!
I do not like her in New York.
I'd rather stab her with a fork.
I do not want her as my Pres.
I don't respect that bull dyke les.
I fear she'll use me as a goose,
And with my cash play fast and loose,
And spend and spend to up our debt.
It won't be paid til I am dead!
'Bout Travelgate she gives a scoff.
There's smoke and fire but she gets off!
And Whitewater she couldn't care.
Her sneaky ways sidestepped that snare.
On Monica she was astounded,
As if she thought Bill's ways were bounded.
The "vast right wing" she called at fault,
When it was just Bill's trouser trout.
The truth came out, did she recant?
Not too bloody likely, gent.
Apologize she did not do,
She'd rather have the Righties stew.
"It's still their fault" is what she'll say.
"They're after us, please stay away!"
But stay away they'll never do,
Like me, Hill, they just don't like you!
Is under way over at Dodgeblogium. A great place to check out some of the self-determined best of the blogosphere.
I normally don't link single posts here 'cause that's really just not my thing. SBD is more of an original content type place. My morning reading today demands an exception though as an article by BigWig at Siflay Hraka is an absolute must read.
Read the whole article. Trust me.
UPDATE: Isn't it great when things just work out? The Letter of the Day is was "T". Fitting, eh?
