Helen put up a list of the necessary traits in a man. Oddly enough her list is very close to the perfect man (that's me, by the way).

-Can make me laugh.
If this blog isn't proof enough, just wait till you see me naked!

-Loves hockey
Formative years spent in Buffalo, home of the Sabres. Hockey is therefore a love/hate thing with me.

-Tall
I absolutely tower over my kids.

-Big hands
It's not the size of the fingers but the hair on the palm. My fingers have been massaging things since I was 14. Only one female ever in my life has had a massage from me and not been seduced. And I'm still working on Mom.

-Can spend all day in bed with me watching movies
This is my idea of a little slice of heaven. Wait as second, are pee breaks allowed?

-Loves pizza
Oh lordy, yes. But wings are better.

-Not marriage-phobic
Check.

-Likes dogs
Real dogs, yes. Anything smaller than a football gets punted.

-Wants a house
Looking for one now.

-Lets me eat off his plate
Sure. Less dishes to clean afterwards. I'm all about efficiency.

-Believes in love letters
Yeah, but I prefer love numbers.

-Holds doors for me
One of my pet peeves are men who don't hold doors for ladies. Rude bastards. I also walk on the side next to the street and hold chairs.

-Likes my family
Depends on the family but I pretty much like everybody unless they force me not to.

-Smart
Ungodly brilliance. I mean it. I sometimes cut myself with my rapier wit. And I'm humble too.

-Likes pancakes
Mmmmmmmmmmm. Pancakes. Does anybody not like pancakes?

-Thinks I'm the greatest woman he's ever met
Pretty damn cool so far.

-Blue eyes (negotiable)
Blue and green. No, not one of each. Let me rephrase that. Bluish green.

-Knows how to ride a horse
Knowledge, yes. Experience, little.

-Likes the ocean
Formative years in Longbeach, Atlantic City and Ocean City. I luuuurve the ocean.

-Loves to read
Oh yeah, baby. I devour books. I make cerebral love to books. I am a bibliophile. And no, that does not mean I screw bibles.

-Charming
With endearingly outdated pick up lines to boot.

-Likes to hold my hand
Likes to hold just about anything. Will tend to do that at inappropriate but often amusing moments.

-Thinks I'm beautiful
Especially in a kilt. Yowsa.

-Patient and tender
Too patient, I am regularly told.

-Will wear a wedding ring
Hell yeah. Chicks dig guys with wedding rings. I've been wearing one since I was 15.

-Loves to travel
I have lived in almost as many places as I have years. All in the States though. Except for Mexico and Canada I haven't left the USA though I'd very much like to get out a bit.

-Must have body hair (can't have too much of it. The more muppet-like the better).
You could make toupes out of my chest hair. And something really nasty out of my back hair.

-Willing to share a toothbrush with me.
That could get interesting. Oh, you mean one at a time?

-Accepts the fact that you can never have too many shoes.
I can have too many shoes. I accept that you can't. I don't understand why but I accept it.

-Knows that my money is, indeed, my money. And while his money is (in theory) his money, it can become my money without provocation.
Yeah, that's the way it is. Took me many years to accept it but once I did women became much easier to deal with.

-Sexually adventurous. Let's try anything we want, and narrow the list down from there.
I'll try anything once. Twice if I survive.

-Willing to let me sleep with Colin Firth and John Cusack when they finally call me for their booty call.
Agreed. But I get Elizabeth Hurley and Anette Benning.

-Knows I am insecure and doesn't get patronizing about it.
Yeah, that's the way it is. Took me many years to accept it but once I did women became much easier to deal with.

-Will cuddle me as we fall asleep, and then again when we wake up.
Often this is the only way to keep glacier feet off my backside. I have become an adept cuddler.

-Doesn't have to flip the channel whenever commercials come on.
I'm an anti-flipper. I use the guide. If there's nothing on I even do crazy things like turn the TV off.

-Will never hit me or throw things at me in anger. Ever.
It sucks that this would be on a list. It sucks more that it really has to be. No, never ever from me.

-Eats my beaver. Often, and without prompting.
Gobble gobble

-Knows that I have a ridiculously hard time talking about myself (hard to believe, based on this blog, eh?) and is willing to work on that.
Sort of covered by the patient and tender condition, isn't it? I mean if a guy passes patient/tender then he should be a shoe in for this. Otherwise he's a lying bastard about the patient/tender thing.

-Can look at a menu and know what I will be having. Everytime.
No salad, thanks. French onion soup. Bread with garlic butter. Strip steak, medium to medium rare. Mushrooms on the side. Baked potato with sour cream, no butter. Thin cut green beans for decoration, not eating. Oh, shit. I blew it. It was a sweet potato, wasn't it?

-Let's me play with his Johnson during boring movies.
I am male. Has this been a problem before? Seriously, if you've been the victim of Johnson refusal then it's my sworn duty to confiscate his Guy Card.