1. Middle Name?
Robert
2. Favorite Animal?
Wolf. Timber wolf to be specific but any flavor will do in a pinch.
3. If you were to go on a deserted island for 10 years, and you could take 1 person and 3 items, what would you take?
I think I've answered this somewhere else. I'd take Sally Struthers. That way I could crack her across the head the first time she whined about being hungry and then feed myself for the rest of my stay. I mean, have you seen her recently? I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs!
For items I'd take a damn fine survival rifle complete with shitloads of ammo. Item two would be a damn fine survival knife. Item three would be a really large pot. I can boil water to make it potable, cook things easily, sterilize my knife for amputations when necessary...the possibilities are endless. And Struthers is probably a bit stringy - she'd be better as stew than she would as chops.
4. What’s your favorite food?
See question 3a. Haha, just kidding. It's pizza. With peppers, onions, mushrooms, sausage, pepperoni, and canadian bacon. And extra cheese, but that goes without saying.
5. Who’s your favorite band?
Overall, probably either Led Zeppelin or the Melody Makers (Bob Marley). Tragically Hip are pretty high up there too.
6. Who’s your favorite person?
Me. You gotta be happy with you before you're any good to anybody else.
7. How old are you?
Thirty four? Thirty five? No, can't be thirty five yet, I'd remember that. I'll go with thirty four. I'll do the math if you make me but it'll cost you a dollar. Each.
8. Where do you live?
Atlanta, Jawjah
9. What’s your favorite type of Ice Cream?
Whichever one has the best chance of putting me into a chocolate induced coma.
10. What’s your favorite family tradition?
Going to the Atebellum plantation at Stone Mountain Park for picnics, swashbuckling, football and tag.
11. Do you have a job? If so where?
Damn well better at almost thirty-five with 3 kids. I'm an analyst for a company that makes software distribution systems.
12. What’s your dream car?
One that's solid state electronics and runs off a fuel cell. Don't forget the lifetime bumper to bumper warranty.
Play along. Answer here in the comments or trackback a post to Mookie.
The first Flying Pig Party item is finished and loaded into the Snooze Button Dreams store. Be the first kid on your block with a Flying Pig Mouse Pad:
Cost for Flying Pig memorabilia will be whatever Cafe Press is charging. I believe that getting the message out there is more important than making a profit. That's why the first item is something that'll sit on your desk and nobody will ever see. Brilliant, Jim. Just brilliant.
Let me know what other item types you'd like to see.
UPDATE: Almost forgot! The motto on this mousepad, which will be one of two main mottos for the party, was thought up by SpaceMonkey.
And after I've got that I'll be commanding you to send in an entry for the next Bestofme Symphony. Send them to bestofme@jpeacock.net and they'll be in Monday's edition at Dramaqueen.
The only requirements are that you think the post is good and that it be at least 2 months old. It doesn't even have to be from your own blog. It just can't get any simpler!
The basics of the Bestofme Symphony.
Want to host a Symphony?
Get reminder emails.
I know that California is ...er...different. Still, this is just too much:
On volunteers, state is up a creek without a clue
A law originally meant to protect union wages has been redefined to prohibit volunteer labor on public projects. Out of the window goes Adopt a Highway, student volunteers, and neighborhood or work groups pitching in to help with projects like neighborhood beautification, stream bed clean-up, etc.
It actually began with a group of students who received school credit for cleaning up a stream bed. A union rep bitched about it and the state fined the nonprofit group that organized the cleanup.
Redding is also struggling with the labor bureaucracy in its effort to build a new city park, in part with volunteer help. A member of a Sonoma County library advisory board tells me that his group fears local Rotary Club members won't be allowed to landscape the library's grounds. And it's possible that groups such as Habitat for Humanity, which use volunteer labor to build homes for the poor, could be swept up by the same regulation.
The problem started in the 1930's when the state enacted legislation that effectively granted all public works projects to union labor. Non-union contractors were forced to pay union wages to their employees if they wished to bid on public projects. In 2001 the state changed the law to define a public project as just about anything that got a dollar of taxpayer money.
So why can't this get fixed? It's pretty easy - get rid of the fucked up anti-market laws that unfairly penalize people who do not wish to surrender their autonomy to a socialist union construct. Since it's California we are talking about this will never happen. Another solution might be to specify that volunteer labor can be free. Only when people are paid money should the mandatory pay scales be used. That won't happen either though as the unions want anything that requires skill to be under the forcible pay restrictions. (Apparently at least one union boss thinks that cleaning up a stream bed is skilled labor.)
I'm just glad I'm in Georgia where I can get a bunch of my friends together and clean up a vacant lot if we want to. Not that we would, being lazy southern boys, but we could!
(Hat tip to Joanne Jacobs)
Rob found Yeti Sports, Part 4! Can you crack a thousand?
I'm getting worried about you guys. I only had 31 spam messages this morning. If you take out the 7 virus mails that's only 24 valid spams! Are you not feeling well?
I sure hope you're not getting sick. Maybe you got freaked by those four Michigan spammers who are getting prosecuted under spam and mail fraud statutes. I wouldn't worry about that too much. I mean those guys were selling a blatantly fraudulent product. Your cia|i$ might not really work as advertised but you're always careful to cover yourselves with the "diet supplement" blanket. The most they could get you for would be the five years for breaking the anti-spam laws.
So anyway, if you are getting sick I'd be thrilled to help you out. I've got this vitamin patch that is absolutely guaranteed to reduce your flu and cold symptoms by up to 50% as well as cut the duration of your illness in half. Just keep an eye on your inbox, you'll see it.
It seems like there is a battle in Japan to place the blame. Is it the Japanese government's fault for not preventing them from going to Iraq? Is it the citizens' fault for going despite warnings from the government that it wasn't safe?
Let me just drop this into the toilet bowl and see if it floats: It was the fault of the fundamentalist terrorists who kidnapped them.
It seems that the blame game isn't just an American hobby.
(Click for supah size)
The results page shows $49,681.83 was raised but there are a few hundred more to be allocated. The fundraising goal of $50,000 for Spirit of America was reached!
My personal thanks to all y'all who donated and to everybody who helped to spread the word. You rawk!
The competition aspect of the fundraiser was fun and the banter and backstabbing kept it fresh and interesting. I think we'll be better prepared if this happens again - some great ideas popped up mid-stream that would have been great to start with. For the next fundraiser we'll need to get the central offer page (our vBay) up right away to coordinate better. Items like my blogad giveaway would have worked better if they'd been available from the start (sorry, didn't think of it until yesterday). More time for some of the auctions from the heavies would have been nice - we'll need to become pests much earlier in the next cycle.
But even as fundraising amateurs, we drummed up Fifty Thousand Dollars to help our guys over there. Is that freaking awesome or what?
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.
The photo above was taken by Joanie.
The card graphic was made by Michele. She also has a nice collection of links to closing posts from some of the other fundraisers.
I caught this meme from Ilyka (who's afeared to play along).
- Grab the nearest CD.
- Put it in your CD-Player (or start your mp3-player, I-tunes, etc.).
- Skip to Song 3 (or load the 3rd song in your 3rd playlist)
- Post the first verse in your
journalblog along with these instructions.
The third song on my CD was instrumental so I took the fourth one. Good luck guessing the song:
No te vayas
Mujer
Tu no me dejas
Tu no te vallas
Igual que una chiquitana
POINTS: 10 points if you can name the song this comes from without searching for it. You've also got to give us the story of how the hell you know this one. (It's not exactly common, if you haven't guessed yet.)
After 24 hours the points will knock down to 1 and searching will be allowed.
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Jim" at me when I was with my client.
He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Jim, what's happening?" To which I replied:
"Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."
Moderator: First Candidate, allegations have been raised that in your youth you behaved in an erratic, some might say "youthful" manner. Please respond.
First Candidate: I'm so glad you brought that up, Moderator. Youth today is in crisis. If elected president I will see to it that the problems with today's youth are thoroughly investigated and addressed to the satisfaction of everybody and their mother.
Moderator: Other Candidate, your detractors blame the recent increase in inflation on the massive government spending plans you have initiated. How do you reply?
Other Candidate: I've been waiting for the chance to address that exact question. A tax return is just that - a return of tax money to the taxpayers. We should not be taking more money that we need to and if we do, we need to give that money back. That's why I am pledging to pursue a taxation plan that more closely matches our actual budgetary needs.
Moderator: Flying Pig Candidate, you are a relative unknown in this race. We're not sure exactly how you made it into the debates at all, seeing as you're basically a political nonentity. Do you have any qualification for the office?
Flying Pig Candidate: I can answer a question. I can stand here, listen to the words coming out of your mouth, form a reply in my mind that adequately addresses the concerns you have raised and then form words to that effect.
Moderator: First Candidate, there is some question on your committment to ... hold on a moment here. Flying Pig Candidate, did you just reply to my question with an answer to the actual question that I asked?
Flying Pig Candidate: Why yes. Yes I did.
Moderator: And did you just reply to a yes or no question with a yes or no?
Flying Pig Candidate: Yes, I did do that. Here, I've just done it again.
Moderator: Extraordinary...
Flying Pig Candidate: Indeed.
According to my nifty program that tracks how long I've been cigarette free I have been off of the cancer sticks for two months, two days, 1 hour and 35 minutes. That's 1241 cigarettes not smoked, saving $195.38.
What I want to know is, where the hell is my $195.38?
I want my money!
POINTS: Be the first person to name the inspiration for this post title and pick up a quick 3 points. No searches, please.
The fundraiser for Spirit of America has been extended for one final day. So far the combined teams have raised $43577.83, just a hammer throw away from our goal of $50,000. We're hoping that this final day will bring us home. If yesterday is any indicator we're going to make it.
All of the incentives from all participating blogs are now listed at vBay. There are a load of 'em and I'm adding one more:
Donate to Spirit of America and get free advertising
Not on this site, you silly. On sites where advertising is valuable. Click on that Spirit banner at the top of this post and make a $20 donation. Forward me the receipt email from Spirit of America along with your choice of which site you wish your free advertising to run (first come, first served). The site owner will send you a code to get a free Blogad for one month on their site.
Sites Participating (# slots left)
A Small Victory (1)
Zero Intelligence (4)
Once the monthies are gone all further donations will receive a two week run on Zero Intelligence. Yes, all others. No matter how many people want it. It might take a while to get through everybody if there's a big response (since there are only 6 ads running at a time) but I'm happy to loan the ZI.net revenue stream out to Spirit of America.
If you have a Blogad space (or spaces) that you would like to donate, email me or comment in this post.
Not just any iron, either. One of those fancy Oreck cordless irons. Retail is $129.95 but you can get it for one shitload less at Lovely Wife's auction.
We bought the Oreck vacuum a few months ago and Lovely Wife loves it. The bags are a bit expensive but it does everything they say it does. It came with a little canister vac that gets used a lot and this iron that got used exactly once (just to make sure that it worked when we received the shipment). She's already got an iron that she likes so this has just been sitting there lonely and unused.
So adopt an iron today!
If you put Ann Coulter and Hillary Clinton in the same room, could the resultant energy surge be used to power the Enterprise's warp coil?
That drive I speak of is for a five with four zeros after it, of course. The various factions have united for the last day of fund raising to see if we can get to the original goal of $50,000. We're already over $36,000 so it is doable. In that spirit we're cross promoting each other's offers.
The Victory Coalition's special offers are still at vBay.
The Fighting Fusileer's offers are all tracked at Castle Argghhh!!
The Liberty Alliance does have stuff out there but there's no central organization. Page down at Dean's World and you can find some of them. Don't forget Ilyka's triple option offer, which I spotlighted yesterday. There are other good ones from the Alliance too so take a minute to take a look.
Update: Here's a good one! Just trackback to this post and the Pudgy Pundit will make a donation!
Revenge is a dish best served cold. And with a pee filled balloon. Paul's got it nailed.
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish." "I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and...Abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
The moral of the story: Men might be jerks, but Fairies are Female.
Pop up this picture and note down the first five thoughts you have. Mine are in the extended entry.
They're annoying fuzzy beasts. They puke on the carpet right next to the linoleum. They won't come when you want them to and when you want them to leave they won't go away. We have two of them living with us.
Henk is our primary cat. He's named after The Godfather. Yeah, the one who showed me the joys of firing fully automatic weapons. Similar personality. Henk the cat works out his agression by walking over your food and chewing on your hair. Even though his front slashers are gone he is still the boss of you, the other cat and both dogs. In fact, he was raised by dogs and we think this is what warped his personality.
Apple is our secondary cat. She was a birthday present to Lovely Wife a couple years ago and she was supposed to be a companion for Henk while we went out and about. At first she only liked me but in the past year or so she's come around to Lovely Wife too. She still doesn't like the kids. She is a traditional cat-style cat. As you can see in the picture below, she couldn't possibly care less that I need to use the computer. Would you try to move her? Me either. I have a PDA now.
Yeah, they're annoying and a pain in the ass sometimes. They're not the most trainable pet, that's for sure. Then again when a cat comes up to you and rubs on you looking for some lovin it's not because you told him to, it's because he wants to. There's something to be said for that.
Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."
So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
See Top Five for this and much more. Cool site!
James Lileks asks how to get rid of knives:
A question: how do you get rid of knives? I have three old knives that couldn’t cut through a month old banana, and they’re from a set we no longer use. You can’t throw them out – they poke through the bag and stab the trashman, and I suspect he’s angry at me already. (Every week! I come up with more trash! It never ends!) You can’t drop them in a dumpster.. You can’t drive down by the creek and throw them out the window. Well, you can, and if you roll your window up fast enough you may not hear a jogger shouting SON OF A BITCH! but I don’t advise it.No, you get knives, you’re stuck.
Knives are easy. You just put them inside old Tupperware. You want to know what is virtually impossible to throw away? A garbage can!
I spent three months trying to throw out a particular garbage can. I ended up cutting it into little pieces with a sawz-all. You just can't discard an essentially intact can. What are you going to do? Put a sign that says "Garbage" on it? Tried that. After you smack yourself in the head you can then try variations like "Please discard", "Take can", "Can is garbage". After a month or so of this stilted speech style note writing you'll tape a veritable letter written in regular English politely requesting that the garbage men please take the can itself. It will be impossible for anybody to misinterpret your intent to discard the can. If they read the note. Which they will not do.
Maybe you could get one of those huge bags they have for Christmas trees. If the can is physically inside a garbage bag that just might do it. Otherwise just chop the bitch up. If it's metal just pound it down into a man-hole cover.
Don't forget to put your old knives in the bottom before you collapse that sucker.
Today is the last full day of fundraising for Spirit of America. The challenge officially ends at midnight PST today. What have we done so far? Take a look at this:
The Froggy Silly Rears: $16334.49
The Victory Coalition: $11713.44
Lagging Alliance: $5880
Almost thirty-four thousand dollars raised and we've still got a day to go!
Things are looking good for a strong finish, too. James Lileks (who made that nifty graphic at the top of this post) has joined the Victory Coalition so the thousands of folks reading his blog will be heading to our donation page. Michele has a new offer. A $10 donation will get you a CD with her favorite songs, personal notes on the songs and a CD cover painted by her artist hubby. There are loads of other offers from other Coalition bloggers at the vBay offer center.
If you haven't donated yet, consider doing it now. If you've got a buck or two to spare, that buck or two can be put to excellent use by Spirit of America. I'm speaking literally here. Just a dollar is a perfectly fine donation if that's what you've got. Don't be shy.
If you've already donated, thank you! How about another one? Just like sex, it's easier and more enjoyable the second time.
The really big chunks rise to the top.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
My apologies to my Victory Coalition allies but I've just got to stump for Ilyka today. The poor gal has poured her heart out trying to help her last place team raise money for Spirit of America and nobody has taken her up on her offer. You see, the Liberty Alliance isn't very organized. They don't have anything like our vBay area where all of the fund raising offers from Coalition members are collected in one convenient place. So castigate me as you will but today'sbeggingfundraising post is for Ilyka.
Five Bucks. What can you get for five bucks? You could get a coffee at Starbucks. Or one of those sickeningly sweet confections in a cup that they call coffee. Look here Ms.Barista, when I want a shot in my coffee the bottle it comes out of better say the word "Proof" on it somewhere.
Sorry, got sidetracked there. I have coffee issues.
What else can you get for five bucks? You could get the really big bag of Doritos with the bold hint of guacamole and lime. You could get three hotdogs at your local QT. You could get a banana split at the DQ. You could get the fat bastard sized value meal at McD's.
Damn, I better stop this line...I'm starting to get really hungry.
The point is, you can get a whole lot of tasty stuff almost nothing of any permanent value out of five bucks. What you can get is a feeling of satisfaction and the knowledge that you've helped our guys who are overseas complete special projects that they want to do. All that and one of three valuable prizes from Ilyka herself!
Yes, that's right. For a mere $5 donation to the Spirit of America, Ilyka will do one of three things for you:
- Write erotic poetry (other poetic stylings available upon request)
- Let you laud yourself in magnanimous fashion on her own website (ten question interview)
- Give you a personal full size tarot card reading (I think it's full size - it's 10 cards anyway). If you choose this option your donation is 100% refundable if all of the things she predicts don't come true by the time you've died.
It is incredibly easy to get these wonderful prizes. Just click on this image and donate at least $5:
A few minutes after you donate you will get an email reply from Spirit of America. Forward that to Ilyka at ilyka[insert at-symbol here]ilyka.mu.nu and let her know which reward tickles your fancy.
Hey, donate $15 and get all three!!
Thank you for your support!
This is a neat little game. See how many hedgehogs you can run over get to safety in two minutes.
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
This disjointed stream of my consciousness courtesy of Ilyka who's recognition of my brilliance far exceeds my own. Slightly edited for comprehensibility.
Master and Commander was decent. Russel Crowe was wasted [in the role]. Movie sucked compared to Horatio Hornblower movies.Putting on Matrix III. Out of beer. Moving to wine.
Pray for me.
(almost wrote "prey for me". is that prophetic or what?)
Bad...very oh so bad...failing...wasn't wine...it was...PINK CHAMPAGNE!!!
Neo...want him to die so the movie will end...how much time left? Oh, Lord no!
Where is Trinity in leather?
Vinyl even?
What the fuck? Link is some sort of major character?
Oh the humanity! All the cool characters suck now! ALL OF THEM!
Even Mr.Smith!!
I cry softly into my chapagne...
More later...if possible...
My kingdom for a homicidal albino
[fade to black]
Warning to Roger Ebert: Jimmy's in the house!
If so, get yer arse over to American Digest pronto. Gerard is auctioning off 8 hours of line editing / feedback / workshop / you name it. Gerard has 30 years of experience with authors like Steve King, R. Crumb, Harlan Ellison, Andre Dubus, and Robert Fulghum. He has edited magazines like Earth Magazine, Viva Magazine, Omni Magazine and Penthouse (so he'll even do your amateur porn!). He's an accomplished author in his own right as well as a ghost author for others.
This is a $1600 plus value and bidding starts at only $200. If you have a dream of becoming a professional author you need this. This is like skipping the first three tiers of interference and getting right to the person who makes your work work correctly. And he'll tell you what doesn't work and help you to fix it, too!
Oh, would you look at that...I got so excited about the auction I forgot to mention that it's for the Spirit of America! Yup, Gerard is auctioning off 8 hours of his life to help the Victory Coalition raise money. Is that awesome or what?
So get over there and toss on a bid.
My short story auction has ended and will be adding $200 to the Victory Coalition's tally. Thanks, Kevin M! There are many other offers being extended by Victory Coalition members. Take a look at Kevin's VBAY post where they're listed out for you nicely.
As far as I can tell, you can travel across America without spending a buck on food. You don't even have to donate cash to raise money. Just ask Michele questions and Michele and funds matchers will donate cash. Or how about a 64MB USB drive for a $10 donation? And there are loads more offers.
The Victory Coalition is the place to donate through, that's for sure!
The 21st Bestofme Symphony Simpsony is up at The Owner's Manual. Gary's made this one a tribute to our favorite dysfunctional cartoon family.
Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note and I'll get you on the schedule.
Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.
Spread the word: Webloggers, how about some linky love? Gary would appreciate it and just think of the grand service it would be to your readers.
Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, join the mailing list. There's one email sent on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.
How can you help the Spirit of America?
- Click on that banner up above and donate some pocket change. That $5 latte you might enjoy for an hour or so. Send it to Spirit of America and it'll be helping something permanent.
- Head over to the Victory Coalition's HQ and get your blog on the side of goodness and all that is right.
- Spread the word about the Spirit of America challenge. Let your readers, friends, co-workers, gang members, etceteras know how easy it is to help out.
- Bid for a custom crafted short story in the comments of this post (details immediately below)
Fundraising Auction
I am offering up for auction a custom short story. The winner of the auction will be able to specify whatever characters he/she wishes, and a general tone for the story (comedy, drama, tragedy, etc). Specifics such as location, etc may also be listed but don't get too detailed - I need a little room to work my magic.
See the short stories list in my sidebar for examples of the fabulousness that is me.
This auction will run the same way the other fundraising auctions are running. Bid in the comments of this very post. (Keep the increment at an even dollar amount please, no silly stuff like a two penny raise.) Monday morning I'll stop the bidding and name the winner. That person will then make a donation in the bidded amount to the Spirit of America through the Victory Coalition link above and send me their confirmation from SOA.
Delivery of the story will be via post in this weblog and will take a couple of days to write (hey, this ain't gonna be no simple post ya know). It'll be complete with massive linky love and fantastic amounts of gratuitous thanks. Maybe even a shot of my nipple if that'll help drive up the price.
Any questions, ask away.
Auction starts now! Go!
UPDATE: The auction is over. My thanks to the bidders!
It's time to get those submission in for the Bestofme Symphony. Send them to bestofme@jpeacock.net and they'll be in Monday's edition at The Owners Manual.
The only requirements are that you think the post is good and that it be at least 2 months old. It doesn't even have to be from your own blog. It just can't get any simpler!
The basics of the Bestofme Symphony.
Want to host a Symphony?
Get reminder emails.
On April 2 I put up a Petition Online petition for moderate Muslims to show that they are against terrorism. Three full weeks later there is a single signature.
A lot of people would see this as discouraging. One person in twenty-one days is not a fantastic average after all. A lot of people would question just why it is that there aren't more signatures on something so intrinsically correct. I mean there are tens of thousands of signatures on petitions to "save Michael Jackson". There are way more Muslims than MJ fans in the US and terrorism is a far more important topic than whether Mike dribbled Jesus Juice on his youthful guests.
I'm not discouraged. Even though it's only one signature, it IS a signature. A person who has enough faith in his humanity to speak it regardless of what his religious guides seem to be saying.
I want to personally thank Khalifa Al-Boinin for signing the petition against terrorism. I hope you will soon be joined by others that share your faith and convictions. If not, I'm still very happy that you made the choice to make your feelings known. (And if you are a female, my apologies for the gender errors. No insult intended, I'm just unfamiliar with Arabic naming conventions.)
This is how the cookie crumbles. Please read it carefully. Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh $7.
The eighth $12.
The ninth $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'?
Just north of Taccoa is the little town of Lavonia. This is one of those little places where the town square is occupied by the Mason's building and the gun store. Where the supermarket is called "Lavonia Food". Where the roadside food includes "Latino's" (it was their grand opening) and a nameless shack proudly featuring "Meat Stew and Sandwiches!" (If you have to ask what kind of meat, you can't afford to eat it.) Just outside of Lavonia is Lake Hartwell. Unlike many bodies of water in Georgia that are somewhat less than advertised (see "Yellow River", which I have personally stepped - not hopped - over), Lake Hartwell is of a significant size to actually be called a Lake even by a hard to please ex-Great Lakes Yankee like myself. Lake Hartwell is the focus of our story.
I took the boys up to Lake Hartwell for the weekend. "All three?!" you exclaim in sympathetic fright. Yes, all three. "When you say 'I took' do you mean that Lovely Wife did not accompany you?!" you further interrogate me. That is precisely what I meant. No Lovely Wife in attendance. And please calm down, you're getting me terribly excited with all of those exclamations.
Warning: This post is
I was having a conversation with Ilyka about cats and, as you'd probably expect, the term "flying fuck" made its way into the conversation. I believe that in context it was something like "I don't actually give a flying fuck" and that it wasn't at a point in the conversation that actually related to my cat problem or even cats in general but it certainly could have been worked into that angle if I'd given it a moment or two of thought.
But now I'm thinking about the phrase itself. "I don't give a flying fuck." That's pretty freaking vulgar, right? I mean, it's got the most commonplace and pedantic cuss word in the world in there, plus flying. Okay, so it's not as vulgar as it appears at first. Still, it's a pretty potent exclamation of disdain. The Allwords dictionary defines the idiom as Not to care about something; not to give a damn about something.
But why? I mean...it depends upon a "flying fuck" being something so worthless and inconsequential that the target of the phrase is practically nonexistent by comparison. It's along the same lines as "I wouldn't give a plugged nickel", if you see what I mean. So a flying fuck has to be roughly equivalent to a plugged nickel in value (that is, completely worthless, bordering on being a burden) to pull off this phrase.
So what exactly is a flying fuck? After a bit of research I've discovered that it is sex on horseback. Sex on horseback, y'all! The etymology of the phrase indicates that it originates with this (not work safe) broadside ballad entitled "New Feats of Horsemanship".
Okay, y'all need to help me out now. I don't get it. That looks pretty freaking cool to me! Any dissenters? Any chicks out there who think that riding the stallion while riding a stallion is of completely negligible value? Any guys out there who think riding in the saddle while riding on the saddle is a totally worthless experience? Hell no! I'm putting this shit on my list of things to do before I croak.
So this phrase is now ruined for me forevermore because I can never leave well enough alone. For me English is a scab that must be constantly picked.
(But at least I've got that broadside ballad now. Anybody know the tune to go along with it?)
Click for supah size pictures.
Redneck
Good ol'Boy
(This post is going to come up in therapy sessions when they are teens.)
Just like the Victory Coalition. That's right, I'm begging like a sweet sixteener getting eaten out for the very first time. Don't stop! Please! Keep going! Oh, YEAH!! Donate, baby, donate.
As expected, the Libertians have been left in the dust but the Aarrghinians found a clue somewhere and have jumped to an early lead. Just like forest fires, only you can stop them. (Hint: Do it by clicking on that picture at the top of this post and following along with the donation instructions.)
I'm just busier than a co-op cashier on food stamp day. I've got two actual story-type posts brewing but will get a maximum of one out today. Let me know if you'd rather hear about my camping expedition with all three boys (and no Lovely Wife) over the weekend or yesterday's adventures in jury duty.
While y'all are waiting for actual content here, head on over to Spirit of America and toss em a buck or two. Every little bit helps our Marines overseas to make a difference through projects that THEY personally started.
The challenge is on. Click on the banner above to head to Spirit of America to make a donation.
Unlike most charities this one will be using 100% of your donation to actually purchase equipment. Take a quick look at the projects that are being supported and you'll notice a common trend. They are started by American servicemen in an effort to help that goes above and beyond the call of duty.
[Edit - Ignore this striked out part. It's from the original premature posting of this missive, way back in my addled days of yore.] You'll probably also notice that the Victory Coalition is on top of this donation thing, whereas The Liberal Alliance is staring at the sun out in left field and the Flappy Sillybeers are more interested in rod measuring contests.
Support the Victory Coalition!
UPDATE: Results and changing the rules. Yay! See the extended entry.
Want to know what it's about? See the Shamming/Sharing intro post.
Is this anecdote a sham or a share?
This is a shorty. Sorry again but I'm hella busy at the moment. Let's see if brevity helps or harms.My bottom left incisor has been injured three times; once in a car accident, once in a fall and once in a food related mishap. Each time, a sliver of the tooth was cracked off of the business end. The tooth is a bit shorter than the one on the right side and has a somewhat faceted appearance, like a gemstone that has had a couple of cuts taken on it.
Current Standings:
One Correct
mitzi
Simon
Tiffani
wendell
Zero Correct
Everybody Else
Our customized plates have turned out to be more popular than expected. The wenches dedicated supporters are absolutely frenzied over them! Ever one to want to please, I have created a few more plates along the lines of suggestions already made. First come, first served!
*
*Choice of some plates may require additional levels of support.
If anybody wants to play around and make their own plates just head on over to the ACME License Maker.
There are two gray doves that spend their springs and summers at our place. They are calm and peaceful, hardly even walking away when you approach them. They don't even fly off when you're mowing the lawn, they just hop out of your path. We hadn't seen them this year at all until yesterday when Lovely Wife found one. It had been attacked by a cat. Its right wing was snapped at the pinion and it had wounds to its neck and belly. We wrapped it up to immobilize the broken wing and we put it in protective custody overnight.
(Click for supah size)
Lovely Wife called all over creation to find a place that would help it instead of euthanizing it. She brought it to the doc this morning. It's bad enough that these feral cats abuse my car. It's bad enough that they are a menace to my dogs. Now they are (literally) killing off the ambiance of our woodland home. No more mister nice guy. Lovely Wife checked and it's legal to trap and/or destroy feral cats here.
It's time to get biblical on those cats. I'm talking Old Testament.
It's all about the soundbites, baby. With that in mind it's critical that our political party have a recognizeable and biteable motto. Thanks to Clancy and Helen I think I've figured it out. Check it:
If the lesser of two evils is common sense then the least of three evils should be a no brainer!Vote Flying Pig. The least of three evils.
The regular literature would be "Flying Pig, the least of three evils". Does that just sing or what? Damn, I should have been in marketing.
Jen wants to know where you'd put it if you had a third one. I want mine on my forehead.
This one transcends stupid, blows right past inane and lodges firmly inside rectal oddity. (That means it's a piece of crap.)
Life is like riding a bicycle. You only fall off if you stop peddling.
Where to begin? First, everybody knows by now that any simile of life will be compared to "life is like a box of chocolates" and if it can't stand up against that Gumpism then it should not be used.
Second, there are shitloads of ways to fall off of a bike even if you keep pedaling. You could get pushed. You might hit a stop sign or a utility pole. You might get creamed by a semi. You might just run into a bit of tightly strung piano wire across your path. Hey, it happens. Thusly the simile fails right at that point but we'll not stop there as it also fails on the other side of the equation.
Thirdly, any moron can stop peddling without falling off of their bike. It's called putting your foot down. It's the normal and accepted manner of stopping a bike. It's instinctive. Or how about coasting? If you are at speed, going downhill or maybe trying to not go faster (anybody ever hear of braking?) you most definitely are not pedaling and yet, surprise of surprises, you are generally not falling off of the bike.
Fourthly, what the fuck is falling off of your life? Yeah, simile isn't supposed to be a literal transitive but I can't even figure out a metaphorical one for this winner.
We've got guests in this week. I am so freaking embarrassed for my company.
Lovely Wife and I need help finding an accurate description for the two men in this article. The only thing that we can get out is "Sick fucks. Unbelievably sick fucks." Please see if you can expand on this.
Two men who traveled to Atlanta for alleged sexual encounters with children under the age of six are in FBI custody.
...
Ledbetter drove from Newport last Friday, believing he'd arranged a sexual encounter with a 6-year-old girl in Atlanta,
...
Scott traveled to Atlanta last Saturday, intending to have a sexual encounter with a 4-year-old girl, a 6-year-old boy and the children's parents
Sick, sick, fucking fucks. Fuck!
The 20th Bestofme Symphony is up at Sneakeasy's Joint. Kiril's done up the weekly offering in high style so stop by and enjoy the performance.
Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note and I'll get you on the schedule.
Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.
Spread the word: Webloggers, how about some linky love? Kiril would appreciate it and just think of the grand service it would be to your readers.
Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, join the mailing list. There's one email sent on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.
Seems the kids attending Duke get cranky when they have classes too early in the morning. 8 AM is just too early for the little sleepy heads. So few people signed up for those early classes that lots of departments stopped offering them. But now the little dears are complaining because there aren't enough classes available.
The solution? 8:30 classes, of course. Kimberly doesn't think this is going to help too much and offers a different solution:
Now, there are classes at 8:30, but if they're hour-long classes, the next available time slot is 10 am, not 9. The whole day is essentially shifted back one hour, so students who were going to bed at 1 am before will be going to bed at 2 am now. Methinks that forcing bars to close a half-hour earlier would do more to get students into snoozeland than scheduling classes a half-hour later.
Of course you have to tie that in with RA's that actually enforce the dorm rules but otherwise it's definitely a better solution than a half-hour offset for the first class of the day.
Hey, a fan base is almost as critical in politics as it is in rock & roll. Helping to keep our peeps happy, the Flying Pig party is happy to present this custom plate to our loudest beggar most vocal supporter.
Michelle has turned over control of the Victory Coalition to Kevin of Wizbang. Kevin has taken a sacred vow to keep the Coalition focused on it's ultimate goal - pulverizing "Howard" Dean Esmay and Johnny RAAAAARG!! helping the Spirit of America project put a voice of reason and truth on the airwaves in Iraq.
Head on over to WizBang and show your support for the Victory Coalition and stay tuned for instructions on how to help Spirit of America while simultaneoulsy smacking the enemy alliances about the head and neck.
Curbs add texture to driving.
Then sink your teeth into The Snark Hunt, a delightful repast served up by Kate over at Electric Venom.
While you're there, tell Kate how nice her new layout is.
The Cul-de-Sac has returned! For all y'all what don't know what the Cul-de-Sac is, allow me to 'splain. Every once in a while Kelley would gather up links to the best posts on the blogs she was reading. Sort of a one woman Carnival of the Vanities. Kelley's reading a whole heap of blogs now and this Cul-de-Sac is a monster.
This is a great place to go if you are looking for new blogs to read. Kelley's already done the filtering for ya so you can find what's a good read right quick.
Got my vanity plates all lined up. That was the last thing on my checklist for things I had to do before being elected Vice President.
I got some for Trey, too.
(As seen at WizBang)
Open a book and go to page 23. What does the fifth sentence say?
That computers must facilitate the selling function for a distributor today and certainly in the 1990s!
From Distribution Inventory Management by Gordon Graham. Hey, I'm at work y'all. The alternative was TCP/IP Network Administration by Craig Hunt. Oh, wait a second! I've got a Chick-fil-A kid's meal book somewhere...ah, here it is...Coral Reef, no author...oh, yeah, this is much better:
These special fat tentacles smell food.
That's good enough for use as a tag line.
(Seen o'er at Tiffany's)
Good news for the home team but this can only be seen as a blow for upstart challengers.
(Click for Supah size!)
Courtesy of George Says. Snagged from a temporary dramaqueen.
Lovely Wife and I went to relationship counseling once. Our "facilitator" seemed likable enough and our session started out pretty well. At one point she said something along the lines of "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." She then asked me if I could name Lovely Wife's favorite flower.
I leaned over, feeling very confident, touched Lovely Wife's arm gently and whispered, "Self-Rising, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
There's going to be a royal rumble! Michele's going to smear Dean! No joke! Dean thinks he can get more people to support Spirit of America than she can. Yeah, right Dean. Thank you for playing.
Spirit of America is a neat idea. It's to get a radio station in Iraq that'll put out things like the truth so folks will have something to get their news from besides al Aqsa al Jazeera radio.
The fight starts Monday but I'm not waiting til then to stand on the right side of the circle. Let Michele know that you've got her back too. Can't be too careful with that Dean character, if you know what I mean.
To arms! To arms!
Sir Robert has declared war on an annoying form-letter spewing PR hack named James Fryer. Help the cause by sending James some inane answers to his questions. Make them just kooky enough to be from a genuine interloon and we can absorb loads of their time and corrupt their evil data. And make sure to properly format his email address so it is picked up by all of the spambots.
Here's what I'm sending him:
The Letter of the Day is "P".
"P" is for Pathetic. Simon's second attempt at Frankbaiting was a pathetic failure.
From the list of "Things About Atlanta" sent to me by my Lovely Wife. This one is particularly apropos at the moment:
The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy, which starts at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses - everything - is yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies, you will die. But other than that, it's a great place to live!
No joke. The current level is a nice low 396, thanks to some rain yesterday. Yes, we breath a sigh of relief when the pollen count gets down to only 3 times the extremely high marker. A couple of days ago the pollen count was over 5,000. You probably won't actually die from it but many people wish they would. I have personally seen people fight over an Alavert.
One thing that I couldn't believe during last night's question and answer session was how obnoxious the press questions were. They almost completely ignored a chance to ask the freaking President of the United States actual questions about what is going on right now and what our plans are. They abandoned actual journalism for attempts to squeeze some partisan soundbite out of Bush.
Related to that, I couldn't believe that Bush kept his cool under the onslaught. He maintained his decorum and kept trying to steer things back to topics of actual importance.
I've got news for you. This is going to be very different when the Flying Pig party takes the White House. Trey is most likely going to be way too busy vetoing things to entertain foolish questions from the press so I expect to be tapped for this particular task. Unlike Mr.Bush I will not be overly concerned with pressie feelings when they are obviously attacking me and mine. Oh, I won't come straight out and call them retards like my running mate might but I'll be answering their questions simply and brutally.
Let's review the questions that they unleashed on Bush last night with me at the podium instead of George:
Shouldn't they be called "War Protesters"? They're protesting against war, aren't they? Or are they called peace protesters because they're not in favor of peace at all. Judging by the pictures I've seen of every single one of these protests over the last year and change, I'm going with that as my answer.
Thanks to Paul at Sanity's Edge I am now a legally ordained minister! That's correct, I may now be adressed as the Right Reverend Jim Peacock. Or maybe the Center-with-a-little-right-tilt Reverend would be more accurate.
I can now legally perform weddings, baptisms, blessings, sacrifices, excommunications, you name it! In fact, I can do almost anything except circumcision. That's okay though as I'm morally opposed to the ritual mutilation of children anyway.
Pixy has gone ahead and taken the plunge too. A brace of ministers make Munuviana one of the holiest blog communities out there. Can I call for a blogcrusade yet?
Christine comments on Rooney.
Excerpt:
Sometimes I wonder if they understand what they are saying. I fear they know all too well. Our military fights for this country, we fight for the policies of the duly elected representatives that we chosen by the people. We fight for the principles that allow our countrymen to live in freedom. We fight so that our allies, who also believe in those principles, have those same freedoms. Those who claim that this war is not in their name, undermine those reasons. They tear away with dull claws the cloak of honor that our military wears to battle.
The emphasis is mine. Does she nail it there or what? Honor is the key difference between our soldiers and the forces that they are fighting and demagogues like Rooney try their hardest to destroy that.
So it seems that noted curmudgeon Andy Rooney, better known for America's most inane TV minute, has outed himself. I don't mean that he's come out of the closet (I'd respect him for that), I mean he's openly stated his opinion that America's troops are not brave fighters, the world's most powerful and skilled volunteer military. No, according to Andy they are a bunch of fearful cowards who have been forced into the military because of America's dastardly economy.
Andy proposes that we ask our soldiers in Iraq five loaded questions, as if these would prove his points. I've got five questions I'd like to ask Andy. How do you breathe with your head so far up your ass? Should the words of a marginal talent separated from reality by several decades be given any weight? Is it a standard in journalism to make up numbers and figures from whole cloth or is this just a trick you picked up on your own? Would you rather have a job where you have to work or the one you have now? Are you encouraged by the freaks and losers that think the venom dripping from your pen is gold?
He says that supporting our troops is just a trick we civilians use to keep them at their job so we can enjoy our comfortable lives back home. A trick. He has marginalized all of the support, pride and respect that we feel for our troops into a Machiavellian trick. Well, Mr.Rooney, that might be why you support the troops but it certainly isn't why I support them. But wait, since Andy is against what they're doing and the only reason to support them is to keep them at their job then by his own reasoning he is saying he doesn't support them, right?
Trey's an even better Photoshopper than I am. That's why he's the presidential candidate and I'm only the veep.
(Click for even more flying pigs.)
Methinks I'll replace my own sign with one of these. Since we don't need to worry about a primary we don't have to go for the shock factor anyway.
(Click for supah size)
Make your own Kerry banner with the Kerry Sloganator. While you're out and about, go wish Kevin a Happy Blogiversary.
I had Snark. Mmmmm...tasty!
The 19th Bestofme Symphony is up at Blogo Slovo. Don't miss Dave's tips on how to properly accompany each selection. I think I'll stick with the shot and a beer. Cognac and green markers both give me a headache.
Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note and I'll get you on the schedule.
Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.
Spread the word: Webloggers, how about a link for Dave? He'd do it for you!
Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, join the mailing list. There's one email sent on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.
Anybody out there (besides Pixy) catch what Jim Taranto (from The Wall Street Journal's "Best of the Web") said about ZeroIntelligence.Net?
Zero Tolerance WatchWe started covering "zero tolerance" madness three years ago, but we really ought to pass the torch to Jim Peacock, whose ZeroInteligence.net blog has become the best source on the subject.
3 months old, 154 regular subscribers, 56,010 visitors. So it's not quite Command Post level performance but I'm still happy. :-)
I've been angry lately. Moody. Pissed at stupid little things. My temper seems to grow a hairsbreadth shorter each day and I don't see when i'm losing it until it's lost. The other day after dinner I took the boys upstairs to clean the playroom. They did their usual "Don't wanna" routine and instead of teasing and joking and making it a fun thing like I normally do I yelled at them to clean up. I was like a boot camp drill instructor.
This morning I was writing a note to somebody. Can't tell you much about it yet except that he's one hell of a guy and the note I was writing got way more patriotic and emotional than I first intended. I just started crying. Like a baby. Tears are still coursing down my face right now and I can't stop them.
I'm pretty sure that I know what is screwing with my head so much lately. I am so fucking furious that I'm losing my grip. Every day I read about another atrocity committed by my own countrymen simply to promote their twisted agenda. In the past week I've seen a woman openly speculate that one of the men murdered, burned and paraded around Falluja might have been a nazi. Not that she had any proof or anything but simply because it suited her agenda to vilify a murdered American. I saw the woman who pointed out that perfidity attacked simply for saying "Hey, it's wrong to do that". I read a story of a small group of American soldiers who barely escaped a compound with their lives. They made a courageous 20 hour stand against completely overwhelming forces while protecting assets and non-combatants. A true act of unmitigated courage and dedication. But I cannot find this story on any news site. I can't find any story like it on any news site. I read about a student in Savannah who was suspended from school. A gang of kids invaded his school and attacked him in the cafeteria and he committed the crime of defending himself. Zero Tolerance to violence means you are not allowed to be a victim either.
And it's not just those stories. Those are just the snowflakes on the tip of the iceberg. It's all around. Every day. It doesn't stop. Ever.
I just want to stand up in the middle of a crowd and scream out "Can't you morons get a fucking clue? Can't you just use some common sense? Can't you stifle your fucking private agenda long enough to remember what being a human fucking being was like?"
And I think "Oh, God dammit, how am I going to protect my kids from these people?"
And I start crying again.
Here's a finger tray of samples of Cheddary goodness. Don't take too many! You'll spoil your supper.
1. When was the last time you caught yourself before doing something really stupid? What was it?
What time is it now? Hell, if I didn't do something really stupid in the past hour then just wait around a couple of minutes. As to what it was? I do way too many of these to keep specific memories of them. That's like asking somebody to keep track of blinking.
2. What was your last nightmare about?
Smoking. Brrrrr.
3. How do you entertain yourself in traffic?
Talking. I'm never in traffic alone.
4. Who inspires you?
Maybe it's because I'm in a mini-funk or something but I honestly don't feel inspired by anybody right now. Now if you asked what inspired me I'd say that little clock in the bottom right corner of my monitor. It is freaking gorgeous outside and I wanna be out there.
5. What trait in the opposite sex makes you wonder most?
Um...what? Please repeat this in the form of an answer. Or something like that. I'm saying that I don't understand what's being asked here.
6. Which of the seven deadly sins is the worst? Why?
My favorite is lust. As far as worst? I don't think any of them are all that bad, really. They're human emotional responses. Nothing more, nothing less. Rational people deal with 'em, irrational people end up making 27 laws on how to take a crap.
7. Do you blog on the weekends much or at all?
Generally not at all but some times a bit. I'm definitely not writing anything on the weekends except once each blue moon or so. I might do bloggy posts if I come across something while reading but generally I don't even bother to do that on the weekends.
(Snagged from The great and powerful Oz Pixy Misa)
UPDATE: Results are in the extended entry.
Want to know what it's about? See the Shamming/Sharing intro post.
This is the first sham/share for April. March's results are here.
Is this anecdote a sham or a share?
I rode the bus in high school. To answer the question that just popped into your mind it was, surprisingly enough, a regular sized one. Our bus driver kept order with two tools. The first was the threat that she would kick you off of the bus. She didn't mean that she would go to the office and have them remove you from her transportation obligations. She meant that she would stop the bus wherever the hell it was and kick your sorry ass out of her vehicle. We believed her.The second way she kept order (and with the efficiency of method one this was pretty much all she needed for a backup) was to have minor violators take the front seat for a few days to a week (depending on the severity of the offense). This was known as the bitch seat and came complete with much riling from busmates and excessive smacks to the head from people leaving the bus.
I was subject to the bitch seat exactly once in my 3 years of being carted about by this woman. The offense was not intentional but she neither believed me nor cared and it earned me a full week of head smacks and verbal finger pokes at my expense. The incident occured while the bus was still parked at school waiting for all of the students to board for the ride home. A friend of mine was showing off a box of matches (yeah, I know - what the hell is that about?) and giving some out to people. I took one and asked what good it was going to do without the box to strike it against. He said you didn't need a box because they were blue-tip matches and you could strike them against just about anything. Hell, you could even strike them against your zipper. "No way" I said. "Way" he said. So I struck it against my zipper to prove the lie and gasped in astonishment when the sucker ignited. As the sulphur took to flame I freaked and tried to extinguish it but in my panic I didn't think of anything intelligent like flinging it out of the window or putting it on the floor and stomping on it. I did the finger pinch manuver (the one you use to extinquish candles). If anybody has ever tried this on a match that is in the process of lighting you will know that the sulphur is way more dedicated to catching fire than your mere flesh is to extinguish it. The result was two burned fingertips and a horrendous stench of burning sulphur. Everybody around me started at me in abject stupefication. The bus driver chose that particular moment to board the bus for the ride home, saw everybody staring at me and smelled burning chemicals. She looked at me. I looked at her. She pointed to the bitch seat. When I got up to the front she didn't even turn to look at me. She just started to drive off and said "One week. Idiot."
What she lacked in nurturing instincts she made up for with painful honesty.
I was messing around on the computer last night and never bothered to get up to turn the TV off. As a result I had The Reality Channel Fox hitting me subliminally for a good chunk of the evening. Let me summarize what I got out of it:
1) Persons who have not yet achieved the legal age to run for President of the USA should not, i repeat NOT try to cover Elton John songs.
2) When a show defies description by normal man you can find it aptly and succinctly summarized by Bunsen.
Unfortunately I don't have an orgasm link for you. Well I did but that was earlier and it's no good now. I'm just not up to getting another one just yet. Sorry. You know it happens to every blogger eventually.
So anyway, the Letter of the Day is "O".
"O" is for Oblique Orb for the Orthodox Ovulator.
Take a peep at this hot action.
The tongue must be heavy indeed; so few can hold it.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Things like the Subservient Chicken.
(Blame Credit to Dopple-G)
Jimmy Breslin, longstanding columnist for Newsday, has been accused of creating an interview with the Rev. Louis Sheldon (chairman of the Traditional Values Coalition) out of whole cloth. Pulitzer prize winner Breslin claims that the interview occurred in 1992 but his target is crying foul.
[Reverend Sheldon] said he has "never met Jimmy Breslin, never had the conversation described in his column today and never said those sentences to anyone in my life."
Snooze Button Dreams correspondents, in a daring predawn raid, managed to interview the beleaguered newsie. Without admitting any guilt the SBD operatives correspondents would like it known that it is possible Mr.Breslin was anally accidentally administered a large dose of sodium pentathol.
I get these things constantly. Email messages from corporate servers telling me that my message was not delivered because it was infected with a virus and that I am a scumbag and that women are secretly turned off by my exceptionally shapely nipples. I know that they are incorrect on the nipples - I mean just look at the activity on that nipple post! Yowza! I'm pretty sure that I'm not a scumbag either. I know my older brother was one and I'm about as unlike him as possible so that's gotta make me some sort of anti-scumbag or something. I am also damn bloody sure that I did not send anybody a virus.
We've got antivirus at the provider level, at our mail exchanger level and at the local desktop level. I don't use the preview pane in Outlook. I don't open anything that anybody sends me unless I know exactly what it is. I don't download anything (excluding nudes and pictures of kittens of course). My non-work email also has anti-virus at the mail server level and we've got anti-virus software at home that Lovely Wife updates religiously.
So why do I keep getting messages saying I've sent out a virus? Why do I keep getting emails returned to me that I didn't send in the first place? It's because I'm being spoofed. And that leads me to the entire point of this post: this Security Watch article by Robert Vamosi. It's concise, no big words, semi-entertaining, and explains spoofing far better than I could. Go give it a read. What? You don't have 3 minutes to spare? Humor me.
That can't be right, can it? Braves: 18, Mets: 10. Damn. 28 points? In baseball?
Hell, if they keep doing that I might have to watch a game.
For those of you keeping track of such things:The "hearts and minds" in Iraq that can be swayed by negotiation, humanitarian support, liberalism and cultural sensitivity have already been won.
The "hearts and minds" of those who view negotiation, humanitarian support, liberalism and cultural sensitivity to be signs of weakness, are being won over now.
In a matter of speaking.
Well said!
(Kate is guestblogging at Wizbang.)
And more importantly, only YOU can get Trey Givens elected to Presidential office. By popular demand we proudly offer an official "Givens/Peacock 2004" election campaign decal:
Be the first blog on your server to display your allegiance to the only candidate team promoting sensible government based on the Constitution.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But my job just doesn't compare with this.
What could possibly be cooler than going to work and driving barges into bridge supports? Well, maybe crash testing helicopters, but that's about it.
(Tip credit to Dopple-G)
Trey Givens has become the first 2004 Presidential candidate to specifically declare his running mate. In the context of this news the word "mate" should be interpreted as "companion" and not "companion, know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge".
In a move that may have global implications the avowed libertarian has taken part time antidisestablishmentarianist Jim "Snoozey" Peacock onto his ticket. Givens explained his choice thusly: "Jim is a reasonable and even-handed person. He’s not likely to call you names like I would."
When reached this morning for comment Mr.Peacock confirmed that he had gladly accepted the offer and was "looking forward to the challenge" that they will face in this election. In popular polling given choices of Trey Givens, George Bush, and John Kerry, Givens came in behind the Republican and Democratic candidates. Jim Peacock aims "to change that". Strong words indeed.
Miscellaneous talking heads that only surface from their government pork fed think tanks for one of every four years like salmon returning to the fetid waters that birthed them were quick to comment. Said one "This choice will serve Givens well. 'The Snooze' is a married man with children and his inclusion will make Givens a more attractive choice for center-right voters. They will see Peacock's heterosexuality as a check against Givens' gay powers and will be more comfortable voting for him."
Another commented that "This may turn around and bite Trey in the ass. And not in the good way either! A lot of his homosexual voter base was hoping he would run with the Good Doctor. They're just such a cute couple. Seriously!"
Time, and massive advertising budgets, will tell how the Givens/Peacock ticket fares.
I did a double take when I opened up WizBang last night. There was a John Kerry advertisement!
Kevin's not a rabid righty but he's made it pretty clear that he thinks pretty poorly of Special K. His guest bloggers are pretty much the same. Then it hit me - is this beautiful or what? John Kerry is supporting WizBang! His wife's money is helping to keep a popular blog on the internet and that blog is one that is ...er... less than supportive of Captain Catsup himself. What a beautiful ironic turn!
You go, Kevin!
Just in case you were wondering.
The puppy has several methods of waking me up in the morning when she's ready to do her business. The first one she used was jumping half up on the bed and raking her claws down my back. That was exceptionally effective at waking me up but it did not put me in the spirits to provide her with the friendly companionship that makes a morning poop so much more enjoyable. In short, she quickly came to learn that this wasn't acceptable.
She then moved to whining (or as my Brit readers would say, "whinging") but found the results to be less than satisfactory. I'm a pretty deep sleeper and little noises like polite whining, televisions and fire alarms don't have a very good chance of waking me up.
Then she discovered the power of the puppy nose. There is no good way to describe the sensation of being brought out of a deep slumber by having a cold wet puppy nose jammed up your ass crack. Suffice it to say that this method had much better success at rousing me (yes I said 'rousing' in conjunction with a dog's nose up my crack. Get your minds out of the gutter. The word you are looking for is "arousing", which I didn't use because I wasn't. Aroused that is. Pervs.) than did mere whining. After a bit of negative reinforcement, the pup learned to aim higher and I thought we had a mutually agreed upon system. Oh how wrong I was.
I'd be pissed too if I had to follow 27 rules to take a shit. Here are a couple of my favorites (the numbers are wierd because they're at the end of a long list of rules):
65. In the following three cases, anus can be made Pak with water alone:If another najasat, like blood, appears along with the faeces.
If an external najasat reaches the anus.
If more than usual najasat spreads around the anus.In the cases other than those mentioned above, anus can be made Pak either by water or by using cloth, or stone etc., although it is always better to wash it with water. (for details: see Notes 68 - 70).
Translation: Wash your ass if you're passing blood, inserting naughty things into it or if you have shit all over the place.
67. If the anus is washed with water, one should ensure that no trace of faeces is left on it. However, there is no harm if colour and smell remain. And if it is washed thoroughly in the first instance, leaving no particle of stool, then it is not necess ary to wash it again.Translation: When you wash your ass, make sure to get all of the shit off of it. But it's okay if you've got shit stains and you smell like a
We have a bottle of Pert Plus "Fresh" in the shower. I guess it was on sale or something and Lovely Wife picked it up. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am I of course gave it a gander. It has a refreshing 2-in-1 formula that is enhanced with a natural cooling ingredient you can feel. It's our coolest experience for lively hair! Well, what's not to like about that? Shampoo and conditioner in one - that alone will save me at least 15 to 20 seconds. And a natural cooling ingredient that I can feel? Why that does indeed sound like the coolest experience for my lively hair!
So of course I tried it. It lathered up quite nicely and as I was working my finger magic I started to feel it. A little tingle. A bit more tingle. A distinctive coolness, like when you dunk your head in a rain barrel on the hottest day of summer. Oh, what a cool experience! Truth in advertising and a product that worked, who'd a thunk it?
A whiff of the scent coming off of my head revealed how they did it. Eucalyptus...nice touch. A bit of menthol in the shampoo and you've got a whole new bathing experience. Gimme that koala juice, baby. I'm loving it.
And then I rinsed the shampoo from my head and realized in a grand hurry why it is not a good thing to have menthol in your shampoo. You see, shampoo is used on your hair which, for most people, is located on the top of their head. Just south of the top of your head is your face and smack dab in the middle of your face you have eye balls. Eye balls and mentholatum do not mix well. Not well at all, buster.
My eyes were closed and that is the only reason that I can see well enough to type this missive. I felt the chilling burn of menthol rinsing down my face, covering my eyes and face. I immediately felt the burn in the soft sensitive exposed parts - the corners and along the lid. And it was getting worse by the moment.
I frantically scrubbed my face with soap, trying in vain to get the napalm off. As anybody any guy who has used IcyHot can attest, menthol does not wash off of skin (think hands) well enough to allow the handling of sensitive body parts (think penis). The same rule applies to menthol that is on your eyelids and face - you can't wash it off enough to open your eyes with confidence.
Eventually I had to stop washing my face and get out of the shower. As soon as my eyes cracked open the slightest bit they were assailed by the burning fumes impregnated in the skin around them. The burning, the watering, blurry vision and pain lasted for an eternity, like the very fires of hell that await Michael Moore a good fifteen minutes as I stumbled blind through my morning ablutions.
In summary I cannot in good faith recommend this product. Although it does clean and condition as advertised, the side effects are too eerily reminiscent of coating the inside of your eyeballs with Vicks Vaporub unpleasant.
If you are a holy man and you need a private army to protect you from other holy men of your own religion do you think that maybe, just maybe, you are not actually following a religion of peace?
The Letter of the Day was is "N".
"N" is for Nihilism. Recently published graduation rates may cause people to wonder if America's school systems are practicing nihilism.
The national graduation rate for the public school class of 2000 was 69%. The rate for white students was 76%; for Asian students it was 79%; for African-American students it was 55%; for Hispanic students it was 53%; and for Native Americans it was 57%.
I wonder if it's my mischievous nature or my unparallelled geekitude that makes me grin at stuff like this.
How I met my wifeIt had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it, since I was traveling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behaviour would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pariel like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Kate is reporting on some rather distressing news. American airmen have been ordered to take down their flags at Kirkuk air base. The higher ups fear it might offend some of the locals.
Of course the regular troops can't say anthing about it - orders are orders. They can't say anything about how it feels to be told to take down the symbol of their pride, the symbol of their country, the symbol of why they are in a god-forsaken (or should that be Allah-forsaken?) desert doing their utmost to fix somebody else's problem while powerhungry local warlord wanna be's try to kill them. So I will do something that I don't normally do. I will take it upon myself to express their opinions for them. I do this only because as an 8 year vet I have a fair understanding of the workings of a serviceman's mind and a good idea of the scuttlebutt that's most likely going on in the barracks of Kirkuk.
To the jackass who decided that taking down the American flag was a swell idea:
Eat shit and die you mealy-mouthed appeasement pimp. Get one of your Spaniard friends and your French policy advisor to help you dig your head out of your ass long enough to look around at the men you are supposedly leading. Your mamby-pampy touchy-feely bullshit is not only unnecessary it is putting those men in greater danger. You are in an area of the world where the only thing that is respected is a show of strength and you are busy showing your belly.You do so totally suck that it is beyond my ability to express just exactly how low my opinion of you is.
Kate has asked for a show of support. Since our soldiers aren't allowed to fly our flag, let's fly flags for them. I've already got a brace of them flying at the homestead and I'm happy to add one here. Feel free to snag this one for your own use. Or if you'd prefer, Kate's got a very nice one. She's got a nice flag too.
The 18th Bestofme Symphony is up at WOLves. Trudy's got it done up right and ready for your Monday reading pleasure.
Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note and I'll get you on the schedule.
Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.
Spread the word: Webloggers, how about a little linky love? Not for me, for Trudy!
Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, join the mailing list. There's one email sent on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.
You are a GRAMMAR GOD!
If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!
How grammatically sound are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
(Snagged from Michele the Grammar Goddess)
The Letter of the Day was is "M".
"M" is for Meticulous. Simon is a meticulous blogger.
It's time to get those submission in for the Bestofme Symphony. Send them to bestofme@jpeacock.net and they'll be in Monday's edition at WOLves.
As a special bonus for this week and this week only, every author featured in the April 5 Bestofme Symphony will get a Snooze Point. That means that at a minimum they'll get a spot on the Snooze Point Leader board for the rest of the calendar year. They may also cure cancer and end third world hunger but those last two have requirements in addition to being on the Snooze Point Leader board.
The only requirements are that you think the post is good and that it be at least 2 months old. It doesn't even have to be from your own blog. It just can't get any simpler!
The basics of the Bestofme Symphony.
Want to host a Symphony?
Get reminder emails.
Congratulations to Kevin and the Missus. Mostly the Missus since she did all the work.
The Letter of the Day is was "L".
"L" is for Ludicrous. The government wastes a ludicrous amount of money.
"L" is for Lesbian. Lesbian T-shirts are now allowed in New York City schools.
"L" is for Licentious. Some reporters' work is absolutely licentious.
UPDATE: March results are in the extended entry.
Want to know what it's about? See the Shamming/Sharing intro post.
Is this anecdote a sham or a share?
I've mentioned previously how I protected myself from a lot of the harassment that smaller kids typically get heaped on them. Basically, I just went ape when somebody did something (a noogie or charlie horse or whatever) and attracted a whole lot of attention while making the bully feel like a moron. It worked well. What it didn't protect against was people who actually wanted to beat me up. That happened twice - once each in two different schools.The first time was when I was a hormone addled new teen. On the walk home from school I got jumped and beat on fairly well. My mother raised a holy shit fit but that didn't do anything except embarrass me further. A few weeks later in the middle of the lunchroom with a full gaggle of spectators (and supervising adults who could break up a fight pretty quickly) I unloaded on the kid. A tray to the face followed by me jumping on him over the table and some spectactularly poorly executed punching took him by complete surprise. I said that he had called my mother a whore and that was why I beat on him. We were both suspended for a day. I didn't get into any other fights for two years.
The other time was as a sophomore in high school. I pissed off a jock and got a sucker punch in the gut that left me gasping for breath and with tears coming out of my eyes. Later the same day I took a full bookbag and swung it like I was doing a hammer throw and connected with the back of his head. He was sent loopy and couldn't stand up. I went up to him and asked if we were cool now and he said yes. Nobody ever tried to hurt me physically (with mean intent) for the rest of my high school days.
Current Standings:
Three Correct
Helen
Two Correct
Brian Jones
Mike the Marine
mitzi
Rob
Simon
One Correct
Jeremy
Lovely Wife
Mutinousdoug
Susie
Tiffani
Tommy
Zero Correct
Everybody else
Quite a few of the blogs I read regularly have questioned why there is no grand hue and cry from the muslim community against the actions of al-Quaeda, Hammas, and other hardline fundamentalist Islamic terrorist groups. I mself was curious about it and asked one of my muslim coworkers. She said that the average muslim is as horrified as everybody else at what these people do in the name of their religion but the majority of Islamic organizations are not run by average muslims. She compared it to the Catholic priest/pedophile thing. Catholic churches and organizations tied to the Catholic church were not the voices heard screaming about these abuses. That is simply because they take their lead from Rome. In a similar fashion the Islamic mosques and organizations here are tied very closely with sources in the Middle East. Many are directly dependent upon funding from those sources or were started by those sources or simply take their cues from those sources.
I countered that you heard plenty of Catholics quoted with their opinions on pedophile priests. She counter-countered that the same happens when moderate muslims are quoted. The problem is that they generally aren't approached and the ones that try to get heard just aren't. Single voices aren't heard and the organizations that could be heard aren't talking.
The answer seems pretty clear-cut to me. Get those single voices grouped up so they can tell the groups that are supposed to be speaking for them what they want them to say. To that end I've started up a petition to help. Muslims Against Terrorism is pretty simple. It defines terrorism, rejects it, rejects people who support it and rejects fundamentalist proponents of it. It asks that Islamic groups do likewise.
Please do me a favor (maybe do all of us a favor) and spread the word. Either link to this post or link to the petition itself at http://www.petitiononline.com/islxterr/petition.html and let people know it's out there.
It's time for some more cheesy word association with the Cheddar X. These don't lend themselves to our spot the wrong answer Snooze Points side game so there isn't one this week. I'll make it up to you though - I'll dedicate a moment of my morning to thinking about you. Yes, you and only you. Boop boop de doo.
This is a double association game where we take a word and give the first word we think of and then do it again taking our answer as the new word to be associated with. Sound confusing? Well, this is just one of the many reasons why psychiatrists are allowed to dispense narcotics.
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it" says Roy, "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days pass and finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,
"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"
Many people have a problem with April Fools Day. For the most part it's because they see April Fools pranks as juvenile, cruel and stupid. Boy are they right (for the most part). The problem with most April Fool jokes is that they just aren't funny. The object is not to "get" somebody, it is to craft a unique and unexpected situation that the victim reacts to and ultimately appreciates. There are no points for playing a joke on somebody who either doesn't get it or doesn't appreciate it. That's just being inane or cruel, depending on what you do.
A proper prank takes planning and build-up. It should wash over the victim in distinct stages:
- Victim encounters prank and suffers a moment of total confusion. The changes to their environment do not match what is expected and they have to pull out of autopilot and react with intentional reason.
- Victim undergoes brief but severe disorientation. Realization that the expected environment is not there has reached the reasoning centers. Perhaps the victim looks around - is he in the right location? Did he make a wrong turn or somehow enter the wrong office?
- The victim gets a spike of anger, fear, loss, humiliation or other negative emotion. As he realizes that the environment truly is altered and no simple mistake on his part can explain it away he'll suffer one or more negative emotions. Which emotion is suffered depends on what the specific prank was and how his personality reacts to the changed environment. Knowledge of the victim is very important in order to evoke acceptable negative emotions. People react to things differently and you need to have a good idea of how the victim will react. If a negative emotion is too strong or misplaced or simply not one the victim can handle then the humor has turned into cruelty at this point.
- The victim feels immense relief as he realizes that the changed environment was the result of external intentional influence (a prank) and that his original environment has truly not been compromised in a harmful fashion. Coming from the negative feeling in the last step this can be an actual euphoric sensation. This is where many pranks fail miserably. If there is no reference for the victim to catch to realize he's been pranked he's stuck in the negative emotion above. If that lasts for any serious length of time there will be no emotional recovery when the prank is revealed.
- The victim enjoys the humorous aspect of the prank played upon him. This stage works much better when the prankers are there to share it with the victim. Smiles and guffaws are passed around with "Man, you really got me" and "Oh, you should have seen the look on your face!", etceteras. If the joke doesn't bring the victim to this stage then it wasn't a joke.
Since they insist on continuing to put up fantastically lousy sayings on the welcome board I've made Bad Sayings an actual post category. With such regular fodder for my acidic wit I'd be a fool to let such an opportunity pass by. Today's tragedy is:
Excuses are the nails to build a house of failure.
My first thought after reading this as I came in this morning (okay, my second thought - right after "what the fuck?") was "what do they use for the boards to build a house of failure?" This was followed quickly by "if the house of failure is a functional house then is it really a failure at all?"
I like that second question (okay, third if you count the "what the fuck?" as a question). I mean, if it keeps the rain off then how can you call it a failure? And if it doesn't keep the rain off you can fix it really fast just by making up a couple of excuses. Leaky roof? "I was caught in traffic." Bang, bang, bang, all fixed. Door falling off? "The vendor never called back." Bang, bang, bang, door is rehung.
If they wanted to use a good saying to denigrate excuses they should have used the old tried and true one:
Excuses are like assholes. Everybody's got one and they usually stink.
(Half credit to Dopple-G)
More Flash fun from Sugarcube. Can you catch the worm? Enjoy!
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
The Letter of the Day is "K".
"K" is for Knavery (but the "K" is silent there).
"K" is also for Konvincing (but I don't think we get credit for that one since it doesn't really start with a "K").
