DATELINE: New York

Jimmy Breslin, longstanding columnist for Newsday, has been accused of creating an interview with the Rev. Louis Sheldon (chairman of the Traditional Values Coalition) out of whole cloth. Pulitzer prize winner Breslin claims that the interview occurred in 1992 but his target is crying foul.

[Reverend Sheldon] said he has "never met Jimmy Breslin, never had the conversation described in his column today and never said those sentences to anyone in my life."

Snooze Button Dreams correspondents, in a daring predawn raid, managed to interview the beleaguered newsie. Without admitting any guilt the SBD operatives correspondents would like it known that it is possible Mr.Breslin was anally accidentally administered a large dose of sodium pentathol.

SBD: Mr.Breslin...may I call you Mr.Breslin?...yes?...thank you. Jimmy, you've been accused of making up an interview with the Reverend Louis Sheldon. How do you plead?

Breslin: Usually like this..."Oh, baby, yeah. Please, baby, like that. Yeah, do it like that. Oh, baby, please!"

SBD: I meant about the interview in question. Did you make it up?

Breslin: Hell no! That wouldn't be good journalism. That interview is verbatim truth.

SBD: So Reverend Sheldon actually said "Homosexuals are dangerous. ... They proselytize. They come to the door, and if your son answers and nobody is there to stop it, they grab the son and run off with him. They steal him. They take him away and turn him into a homosexual."?

Breslin: Oh, good Lord, no! He'd never say anything that moon bat crazy. Quality chap he is, as far as I can tell. A bit misguided perhaps but only an absolute loon would mouth such utter tripe.

SBD: If Reverend Sheldon didn't say those words then how can you claim that the interview is verbatim truth?

Breslin: Because the interview wasn't with Breslin! Hahahaha! Oh, I got you there, didn't I? No, I never interviewed the good Reverend. He's quite right when he says we never met. I just dusted off an old interview from some nutjob lawyer and plugged Sheldon's name in. Much bigger news if the chairman of the TVC is saying stuff like that, eh?

SBD: So who was the interview with then?

Breslin: Some wanna-be news pundit. Glenn something or other.

SBD: Glenn Reynolds?

Breslin: Yes, that sounds about right. A serious wacko. I had to cut half of the things he said just to make the article believable. Totally crazy stuff like solving the homeless solution by killing off hobos and taking care of the stray pet problem by killing puppies. Very death oriented, this fellow. And the photo album he showed me! Oh, my Sweet Jesus, I didn't know you could do that kind of thing with a penguin.

SBD: One last question, Jimmy. Why didn't you just file the story with the interview being from Glenn Reynolds?

Breslin: What's the point of that? He's a blogger. Nobody cares what he says anyway.

SBD: Indeed.

(Tip credit to Phillip Coons)