Snooze Button Dreams
Snooze Button Dreams
Snooze Button Dreams
July 29, 2008
Phone-A-Friend
(Category: The Cage )

So I was giving De a hard time about her lack of Dollyblogging. I knew she was down in TX somewhere, but I failed to notice that she was in fact out of the storm's path. That minor detail aside, she assured me that I would be the first person she'd contact should she find herself in the midst of an apocalypse.

I wonder how that convo would go:


shank is at home, watching TV and eating a bag of microwave popcorn on the couch. A phone rings.

shank: Yalla'.

De (static, screams, crashes in the background): SHANK!? IS THAT YOU?

shank(pulls phone away from ear, grimacing): Jesus Christ. Yeah? Who the hell is this?

De (continued static, glass breaking, sirens. The connection cuts in and out): THI- IS DE. -OOK, I'M IN A BIT -- A SPOT, -ERE. I NE-D -OME ADVICE ON -OW -- SURVIVE AN APOCALYPSE.

shank: Well, first things first. Do you have any personal lubricant?

De (white noise continues, thunder claps can be heard, horns honk): I'M -ORRY, BUT -ID YOU JU-- SAY '-ERSONA- LUBR--ANT'!?

shank: Yep! Make sure you've got a good supply on hand, as it were, so that you've got something to do when the power goes out and eternity sets in. If you make it past the four horsemen and what not. What's going on down there?

De (background noise reaches a crescendo, waves can be heard crashing, donkeys braying): WELL, IT -EEMS THAT THE END IS NIGH. THERE'S THIS -EVEN HEADED --ING MAKING ITS WA- THROU-- TOWN FROM -HE OCEA-. WHAT --OULD I -O?

shank: Um. How flexible are you?

De (wind roaring, dogs barking, cattle lowing): WHAT!?

shank: Flexible! How FLEXIBLE are you?

De (the sound of fast footsteps, muffled distortions, chickens being put in a blender): I'M -KAY, I GUESS.

shank: Good! All you need to do is bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!

shank (Hangs up the phone, and shovels a fistful of popcorn at his gaping maw.): Bitches always on my jock, yo. Can't even peep a movie up in this motherfucker.

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July 24, 2008
The Name Game
(Category: Cheeses of Nazareth )

I know exactly how 'K' feels. My favorite from the article? Sex Fruit. How could you possibly hate that name?

I really empathize with her though, because I too have a name that's embarrassing; which is why I go by shank in the blogosphere. My real name is actually Richard Cocking. There I said it in front of you all, my real name.

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July 23, 2008
Oil, Oil, Everywhere. UPDATED: With Link Love
(Category: shankonomics )

Oh dear Lord, how I do love being right; even if it's only so often or for so long.

What you see in this chart, is a drop in oil price from it's high around $146, to today's close at $124. I know it's a little geeky looking, but basically each vertical bar represents the trading range for a given day; with the left pointing hashes representing opening prices, the right pointing ones the close. The columns across the bottom show trading volume.

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This represents roughly a 13% loss from its high - on July 11th. Some of the more optimistic folks are calling this the ol' bubble popping.

I call it a response to the changing regulatory environment , obvious demand destruction, the long term possibility of the expansion of drilling operations in the U.S.; AND the bubble popping. The latest inventory report showed 2.9 million barrels of gasoline inventories; when only 500,000 were expected. Guess it got a little to expensive and people quit buying it, hm? Maybe? Yeah?

Yee haw.

"Why is cheap oil so important, when there are so many other financial problems?" you might ask. Well, as the price of oil decreases, it does two things that make you and I (as people with dollars in our wallets) richer. Firstly, it tends to shore up strength in our currency, since oil is bought and sold in dollars. Although it's not neccesarily a two-way street, there's a bit of cyclical action that ties them very closely. That action is the second thing that cheap oil does - it puts spending money in our pockets. Not just in the form of cheaper oil or gas; but in the trickle down effects of cheaper petroleum products in general, fertilizers, plastics, and every item that is brought to your home by anything (a plane, a train, a truck) that runs on petroleum based products. As Americans find they've got more spending money, they can pay back debts, make new purchases, and maintain a healthy economy. Healthy economy = strong dollar.

In all honesty, I'd be surprised if it continued to drop so precipitously. I'm still expecting it to drop in value, but there's a lot of dust left to settle; so I think it'll take some time. It'll be interesting to see how things take shape in the coming weeks.

Linkish Update: Ed Morrissey puts together a nice little aggregation of the facts on what increased production could do to global supply and, more importantly, U.S. dependance on unstable and unfriendly regimes.

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Pinky and The Brain
(Category: Current Events/Pop Culture )

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, visiting Moscow to pursue weapons and energy deals, on Tuesday called for a strategic alliance with Russia to protect his country from the United States.

Chavez might be one of my favorite dictators. If they were on collectible cards like pro athletes, I'd keep his in a plexiglass case. His card and Ahmadinejad's; right next to each other. Anyways, back to the article:

The newspaper Kommersant, generally regarded as reliable, reported Tuesday that Chavez is looking to order Ilyushin jets, diesel-powered submarines, Tor-M1 air defense systems and possibly tanks. It did not specify its sources."

As anyone who's seen The Hunt for Red October can tell you, a diesel-powered sumbarine couldn't sneak up on a deaf retard dogpaddling in his backyard pool - not to mention ambushing something like the new nuclear Virginia-class subs. Or as I like to call them, billion-dollar cans of whoop-ass (my favorite? This one, because I was there).

Of course, upon reading that diesel submarine thing, I was immediately curious about 'Ilyushin jets'. According to wikipedia, Ilyushin hasn't made a fighter plane since the stone age; and they mostly build transports these days. Unless you count these Il-28's, that apparently make great museum peices.

The way I see it, Putin (who, let's be honest, is the real mastermind behind Medvedev) is laughing his ass off. He's selling off all his old junk to Chavez, who's happy to buy it because he's suffering from some paranoid fantasy that the US has it out for him. If the US has it out for you bro, diesel subs and 70's era jet planes aren't going to help.

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July 17, 2008
Hell No, We Won't Go.
(Category: Miscellaneous )

And I thought I hated moving:

A ‘vulnerable’ man cut off his own head with a chainsaw after being ordered to move out of his home to make way for developers, police believe.

David Phyall’s severed head was found beside the power tool inside his housing association flat shortly after receiving his eviction notice.

Vulnerable? Sweet baby Jesus. The icing on the cake is that his place was a total dump. I mean, if you're going to make your last stand, don't to it at this place:
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At least shoot for a Holiday Inn or maybe a nice rental by the beach. Which begs the discussion: If you could have any residence in the world, which one would be worth swallowing a running chainsaw?


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July 16, 2008
Ubercontrary (Super Rare DOUBLE) UPDATED
(Category: shankonomics )

Yes, I'm still ruminating on a long term deflation of oil prices. I know, it seems a ridiculous perspective on the issue at this point, but I find it entertaining.

Yesterday, while The Dub was speakalating from his podiator oil tanked. Ended the day with the biggest drop in 17 years, to be exact. Of course, if you're a dark pool kind of person, this drop in price could be due to large investment banks selling off to cover losses in other sectors, or Fed manipulation through something akin to their oft rumored Plunge Protection Team. YMMV.

But anyways, back to my theory here. I always assumed it would be baby steps over the course of a few years that would get us to a drop in oil prices, but Kudlow caught something I hadn't been anticipating:

A new report from Wall Street research house Sanford C. Bernstein says that California actually could start producing new oil within one year if the moratorium were lifted. The California oil is under shallow water and already has been explored. Drilling platforms have been in place since before the moratorium. They’re talking about 10 billion barrels worth off the coast of California.

Yowza. Domestic demand is decreasing, and we could be on the verge of increasing domestic supply. Of course, we still have a few kinks in the supply chain to unwind; and those will take time too.

But let's do some imaginatin' here. If talk of ramping up production in the US was responsible for even half of yesterday's decrease in the price of oil; what do we think actual increase of production will do?

Update:
Related? Mini nuclear reactors.

Updated Again:
Crude, Gas, Distillate inventories show unexpeceted increases, oil prices drop another $6 in trading. Invisbile hand, consumer response to (possibly manipulated) high prices both unavailable for comment. It'll be interesting to see how the crude price ends today. Most times, these initial reactions backpedal over the course of the day.

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July 14, 2008
A: Cats, Kids and Mothers
(Category: Jokin Around )

Q: What are three creatures that cannot stand a closed door?

Here's an unrelated one:

A: Your ears.

Continue reading "A: Cats, Kids and Mothers"
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July 11, 2008
It's Friday!
(Category: Friday Blogging )

Ah, I love the smell of Friday Blogging in the morning.

A Friday linkeroo from Bristol, with...love. I say go ahead and clear the undergrowth. The worst case scenario is that people get upset; but they'll find another place to get 'er done. The best case scenario is that the outdoor giggity continues, only now it draws viewership. Hell, the park could even start charging a nominal ticket price for people who just want to see the show. No to mention the opportunity for sales dollars from refreshments and memorabilia.

I'm going to honor the traditional Friday pastime and try to leave work early today. I have to go get a part for my weed-whacker today, and the store is in the opposite direction of my house. The upside is that I get to go home and tinker with a gas-powered machine. Nothing soothes the soul quite like that. I guess the other upside is that I'll be able to take the bypass back home, that goes around the city. That'll be a nice drive.

Speaking of driving, I've been getting awesome MPG lately. My car is rated by the EPA at 22/27. I noticed a few months ago that I was getting about 31mpg in mixed driving to and from work each day. I checked the oil, because sometimes a low oil level can drive MPG up. It needed about a quart, so I dropped some in. Then I went to fill up last weekend and it had gone to 32; almost 20% over the highest EPA estimate. Suck it OPEC!

Just finished one of the more stressful weeks of the year at work. We're putting together the expense and FTE budgets for FY09, and as usual, it's been a real bear. We try and project for every expense, and I mean every. CEO approval is required for any and all increases in the budget, and I've had to go to the mat for spends that are less than one one-hundredth of a percent of our gross revenue. I suppose that's a good thing though, to be fiscally responsible; especially when you're in a sector where 2% margins are par for the course. At any rate, work had been a little stressful, and I'm looking forward to a few days to myself.

Hope you enjoy yours too.

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Farts cause global warming?
(Category: News & Notes )

According to relevant theory they do. They're even strapping plastic bags on cows to catch their farts now.

cow-gas-tank-404_686141c.jpg

I'm not sure if this is for research or an attempt to delay the cataclysm. Either way it's pretty funny and I bet you could get a load of cash for a bag full of cow farts if you put it on eBay.

But let's look at this rationally for just a minute. Cows are being targeted because of the volume of ass gas they produce. Why do they fart so much? Because of their diet. Farts start out as the air you ingest when you eat. You take in a lot more air when you consume foods like greens and leafy vegetables.

So...

If cow farts cause global warming, and;
Vegetables cause cow farts, then;
Veggies cause global warming.

The solution to the global warming problem is very simple. Start feeding cows meat and outlaw vegetarianism*. Vegans should probably be shot on site just on general principle.

Hat tip to Peppers Ghosts.

* Helen would get exempted due to her exceptional hottie factor.

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July 10, 2008
I See You Have a Schwartz...
(Category: Current Events/Pop Culture )

Okay, looks like some people are saying that Iran's latest missle launches were recycled and/or photoshopped images.

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This opens the game theory box. Even without the photographic evidence throwing doubt on the launches, it will be easy to find out if Iran did, in fact, play 4th of July yesterday; and to what extent. That's what satellite images are for. The real question is; if Iran is faking it, do you call them on it or not?

The answer to that question, of course, depends on what you think Iran is going to do if you call them out. Ahmadinejad doesn't exactly strike me as someone who's long for this world, so calling his bluff might just result in real missle launches. Of course, what's the difference to the rest of the world between a launch they don't know is fake and a real launch? Nothing. It would simply be needless escalation.

I'm wondering if the best official course of action is to do nothing, let the blogosphere out them, and then snicker at them from behind closed doors. We're getting a free peek at Iran's hand, and seeing that they've got two pair of jokers that have aces scribbled on them in magic marker.

I mean, a fake missle launch really isn't even saber-rattling; it's like, I don't know, waving around a picture of a saber and yelling "Clang clangitty-clang!"

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July 09, 2008
Your Elected Leadership
(Category: Politics - Humor's Last Refuge )

pelosi9.bmp

Nine. Percent.

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July 03, 2008
Happy (Early) Fourth of July!
(Category: )

I probably won't be blogging tomorrow as I've got a full day of revelry, grilling, fireworks and cornhole planned; so I wanted to get this post out there. July 4th is a day that all Americans should celebrate together, regardless of political affiliation.

Despite what some people might say. Case in point: I have a link for you, which you may have already seen or read about elsewhere. However, I want you to know that by clicking on this link, you do so at your own peril. Just so you know, when I read it I couldn't even come up with anything to say. Yes, shank, rendered speechless.

Prepare to be stunned.

Others were able to survive the jarring mental impact of Satullo's imploding, oxymoronic drivel and cobble together coherent analysis; in case you need some smellin' salts.

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July 02, 2008
Food For Thought
(Category: Current Events/Pop Culture )

Surprise surprise; looks like Obama got one of those ubercheap home loans. I can't say that I'm all that surprised though, and I wouldn't be to find out that all Senators probably did. The wealthy will nearly always get breaks on financing because they're seen as a safer investment. My only problem is the conflict of interest it creates when the rich people getting the breaks are the people writing the legislation that governs the lender.

Looks like we met 15 of our 18 goals on Iraq so far. That's pretty good to hear, considering the pissing and moaning that has been coming from the peanut gallery all along. I mean, 83% ain't going to get you on the honor roll or anything either; but it's good to see that we're tracking well.

And here's something all bloggers can get behind - water-boarding MSM 'journalists'.

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July 01, 2008
Back at Ya.
(Category: Inter(net)personal Communication )

Jen is celebrating 5 years of blogging this month.

She says, "Thanks, too, to all of you who come here and make me laugh and think and feel compelled to occasionally post something."

I assume she wasn't referring to me in that line, but I can't help but think that I might have left a positive, supporting comment at her place once or twice. Probably on accident. Anyways, it got me thinking about how much communication has changed in the past ten or fifteen years, let alone the past fifty.

Here I am, bouncing around the blogosphere, posting here, commenting there; and I might have actually had a net positive effect on someone else. It's a donation I threw down the rabbit hole, not even realizing I was doing it or where it might land. An unintended cosmic favor.

And then I realized, people do that for me too. I like comments as much as anyone else, maybe more, because they are the essence of what we all crave - proof, through the white noise and static, that we're not alone. I mean, even when comments aren't neccesarily in agreement they're still interesting because they're an opportunity for unbridled ridicule.

So in the spirit of Jen's post, I say thanks to you too.

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Come Sail Away!
(Category: Current Events/Pop Culture )

I love the smell of raw sewage in the morning.
sailing.bmp
Water quality has been a concern for the sailing events, given that many coastal Chinese cities dump untreated sewage into the sea. At the same time, rivers and tributaries emptying into coastal waters are often contaminated with high levels of nitrates from agricultural and industrial runoff. These nitrates contribute to the red tides of algae that often bloom along sections of China's coastline.

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