Jen is celebrating 5 years of blogging this month.

She says, "Thanks, too, to all of you who come here and make me laugh and think and feel compelled to occasionally post something."

I assume she wasn't referring to me in that line, but I can't help but think that I might have left a positive, supporting comment at her place once or twice. Probably on accident. Anyways, it got me thinking about how much communication has changed in the past ten or fifteen years, let alone the past fifty.

Here I am, bouncing around the blogosphere, posting here, commenting there; and I might have actually had a net positive effect on someone else. It's a donation I threw down the rabbit hole, not even realizing I was doing it or where it might land. An unintended cosmic favor.

And then I realized, people do that for me too. I like comments as much as anyone else, maybe more, because they are the essence of what we all crave - proof, through the white noise and static, that we're not alone. I mean, even when comments aren't neccesarily in agreement they're still interesting because they're an opportunity for unbridled ridicule.

So in the spirit of Jen's post, I say thanks to you too.

It'll never happen, mainly because it would trample the liberties of billions; but my dark side is beginning to wonder if we need to require people to take a test and get licensed to surf the web.

There's a whole lot of good stuff out here, but there's an equal amount of scams, garbage, revisionism and sensationalism as well. You only have to look as far as current events to see it.

Take the 'rice shortage'. I mean, give me a break. I went into Walmart today and the shit was a buck-fifty a bag, and the shelf was full. What's stupid is that people in the US are hoarding the shit. What first world citizen fucking lives on rice anyways? If the industrialized world went without rice for a month, would it kill us? It's not like rice is irreplaceable. If it wasn't on the shelf, you could always eat hominy, grits, polenta, or risotto. Or, you know, a fucking PB&J. But no, these people hear there's a rice shortage and what do they do - they go down to the store and load up. Dude, now that I think about it, rice isn't really even a staple food for me. If I had to give it up for an extended period of time so that folks in far-flung places who do consider it a staple could eat; it would have zero effect on me. I eat so little of it now, that if it disappeared from the shelf I wouldn't even notice. It would be like Bentley going out of business or something.

Then there was the whole global warming thing. Now they're saying the globe is actually getting colder. It must be because Al Gore finally converted that horrible energy hog of a mansion he's got to something that doesn't need its own power grid. What a dickhole. But that wasn't our first response to global warming, was it kiddies? Nope, everyone lined up to punch their ticket on the Alarmist Express for a rip roarin' ride straight to the edge of sanity. There were a few people who actually began to look at the data, and the hipocrisy, and the politics of the situation and they caught a lot of flack for going against the grain.

Seriously, before anyone should be allowed to purchase a modem or sign up with an ISP, they should have to show some kind of license that proves they've taken an internet safety class. You know, one that would explain how shit gets out of hand, and that just because the internet is the fastest way to spread the word, doesn't mean that the word is neccesarily worth a damn.

Jesus people. Get your shit together, pull your head out of your ass and behave like rational human beings! Now go out there and make me proud!

De ponders going underground. As someone who blogs in anonymity, I can tell you there are a few guiding principles. Some are obvious, others I had to break or fuck up to learn.

The first thing about blogging incognito is to actively limit your exposure. You only want certain types of friends reading your blog. Any member of the general public is fine, but don't run around telling everyone to keep in touch with you via yur blog. If they don't know you well, you're blogging is going to make them think your a nutcase or an asshole or both. Close friends, on the other hand, are already aware of these tendencies and don't really seem to care. My wife, sister, and I think occasionally my big brother read this blog. No one else who reads here could point me out in a lineup. It makes things easier that way.

Obviously, never use real names. Even real first names, regardless of their relative ubiquity. I made this mistake once, and an acquaintance from my past popped up one day to tell me he thought I was a dick, a betrayer of his trust, and that we were pretty much never going to hang out again. At the end of his little tantrum he, pouting and stomping his foot for emphasis, demanded I remove the post(s). I saved the writing because I enjoyed it, scuttled the site, and resurfaced on a different one. During my hiatus, I made the effort to go through the offending stuff and change the instance of every real name, using a the 'Find and Replace' function in MSWord. I don't even use fake names, because if you're going to go to the trouble to give someone a fake name, give them a really good fake name like Brick, Chowder, Slingshot, or Jean Luc Picard.

While we're on the topic of names, try to avoid identifying your employer. Employers and blogs have never made good bedfellows, just ask any of the number of people who've been dooced. Also, it's not a good idea to be specific about the city you live in.

Establish an anonymous email account via gmail or somesuch. You can use it as a proxy, so you can communicate with folks off the blog without having to send them an email from thisismyname@thisismyISP.whatever.

Blogging in anonymity is a weird thing. You want to connect with folks, but you want to do so without showing them your ass. The reason this oxymoronic dynamic arises is the amazing exposure you get via the web. You're not just writing in that free local rag, or reading poetry during open mic night at some hole in the wall. Anyone can read your blog, which means if you want to blog anonymously that you've got to put up a semipermeable membrane that allows you to control how much people know about you. Which, as any good anonymous blogger can tell you, should be nothing.

UPDATE:
Forgot this one. If you're already blogging and wish to start anew without losing some of your loyal commentariat; there's a loophole. It is possible to send emails out to your regular commenters (the ones who only know you through the blogosphere) telling them you're going under deep cover. Most of the time they'll respect your wish to be on the downlow because everybody loves being part of some big secret. Although they may occasionally slip. Look, I'M NOT PERFECT, OKAY!?

I’m inventing a meme. I don’t know why I haven’t thought of this sooner. Why follow when I can lead. And I’ve got nothing anyway.

Here goes:

1. You’re fucking with your iPod and slam your car into some other poor bastard’s in the parking lot of the liquor store. No one sees you and the owner of the other car is nowhere in sight. What do you do?

a. Leave a note with your contact info
b. Leave a note with your bosses contact info
c. Fucking flee

2. You’re a guest in someone’s home for a dinner party. You excuse yourself to the restroom during dinner and have an episode of explosive diarrhea. Before you leave the bathroom you:

a. Spray that can of flowery stuff that doesn’t fool anyone
b. Just leave the room smelling like a chemical fire

3. You’re sitting at a traffic light thinking about your sad, mundane life. You witness a minor traffic accident where no one is injured but plenty of damage is sustained to both vehicles. You clearly saw who was at fault. When the light turns green, you:

a. Pull over to give a statement when the cops come
b. Report the accident on your cell phone
c. Just drive the fuck away

4. You and several friends stop to pick up another friend on the way to a party. Your friend comes out wearing something that makes them look ridiculous, like a transvestite or you can clearly see a naughty bit sticking out somewhere. Do you:

a. Tell them right away, even though they may be embarrassed
b. Wait to see if someone else says something
c. Point it out to everyone at the party

5. You’re sitting in the conference room awaiting the start of a meeting. Six people are in attendance. Just as the handouts are coming around you hear audible flatulence, loud enough to be heard by everyone and certainly unmistakable. Do you:

a. Lower your eyes and say nothing
b. Laugh or make a joke
c. Say, “Who the fuck was that?”

6. You are on your way to the store. Your wife/husband/other asks you to get them something. Due to your own inability to either listen or think about anyone but yourself, you forget. When you come home, you:

a. Tell them you forgot
b. Lie and tell them you couldn’t find it/any

6.5 When they ask you, “Did you ask someone who works there?” You:

a. Say, “No, I never thought of that.”
b. Lie and say, “Yeah, they said they were all out.”

I’m not tagging anyone with this, but it would make my day to see it on someone else’s blog. That and five points to anyone that has the balls.

I'm a super-curious dude. When I was a kid, the best thing about Christmas was the hunt for the cache of presents. Maybe they were in the walk-in, maybe in the attic; I always found them because I couldn't stand waiting. Even now, when someone says "Hey! I got your Christmas present todaaaay!" I'm like, "Well, you already paid for it, you might as well just let me open it." I just can't stand it.

Delay of gratification is part of the problem to. When I have to eat, I eat. When I have to piss, I piss. Even if it means pissing in the sink or out a window. One time, I was in the bathroom and I pissed out a window. I can't explain it, I just had to go. Well, there were people standing outside; so I guess there was a little incentive there. But anyways, when I need something or my curiosity is piqued, I just have to know.

Having been a military brat, and moved hither and yon across this great nation of ours, I have all these unfinished stories. What ever happend to so-and-so from Woodbridge? Or whoosie-frumps in Miami? Sometimes I'll toss an old pals name into a search engine just to see what pops up.

Well, yesterday I Googled an old acquaintance. She was a girl I knew during sophmore and junior year of highschool. I guess I had a crush on her, but we never had a relationship or anything. I think the closest we ever got was sharing a dance at prom. Oh, and I called her the Christmas after I left, because she'd given me her phone number.

At any rate, I haven't spoken to this person or seen her in...8 years. Upon Googling her name, I was directed to a website run by her employer, and it had a photo. I laughed at how similar she looked, and then started wondering what she was doing these days. From the info on the webpage, I could tell she still lived in the area we went to school in, and she still had her last name, so I assume she wasn't married. Then I saw her contact info; a phone number and an email address.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I'm no stalker, nor do I wish to stir any embers. I think moving just creates such a rift in the narrative, and I'm just so damn curious as to what she's up to these days. I wonder if she still keeps up with any of the kids we hung out with. I wonder if maybe she's gone all ultra-conservative. Or maybe she's a closet wingnut. I'm absolutely dying of curiosty.

Of course, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't send her an email out of the blue; that would be a little weird:

Hey! This is shank from Shermer High School. How ya been? I was just Googling your name the other day and...

Yeah, that doesn't trip any alarms. Anyways, here I am stuck with my curiosity. I considered coming up with a fake story, but what if it backfired? Then I'd really look regoddamndiculous.

So I've decided on a solution. We've got some pretty talented and creative minds that come through this old shanty we call SBD; and I think now is a good opportunity to tap those vessels of untold wealth. For each contributor who submits a profile of what my old classmate's life is like now, I will give five points. Now, when I say 'profile' I mean complete; more than just a few sentances. Go crazy. For the winning profile, I'll award seven or eight points. These can be as long as a short story if you like, or they can be historical, starting at the time I left town up through the current year. Just submit them via email to my link on the right there.

Bane speaks on something that all bloggers eventually run into - the glass ceiling of e-etiquette.

Being that the web (blogs being a part of which) facilitates this immediate form of communication, much like telephone and conversation before it; many people start to wonder what it is they should hold back. I say, look at your blog as more of a personal diatribe than conversation. I mean, the thing wouldn't exist if you weren't there to drive it with whatever inane ideas are churning about inside your mind. Therefore, people aren't coming to your site to be entertained, cajoled, hosted, or handled with kid gloves. People come to your site because they, for whatever reason, identitfy with what's being put out on the page. Think about that next time you visit a site run by someone who you think is an ass.

The following post is somewhat strange. It might lack structure, and kind of half-finish some ideas. Consider it a mental jungle gym; join recess and have some fun. That's why I've got comments.

Glen Reynolds, of Instapundit fame, posted a link to this article at Global Voices.

I find it interesting, becuase it highlights something about the spirit of blogging. Or at least what it has become for many people. I'd be willing to bet that the vast majority of popular blogs out there are politically oriented sites. As a matter of fact, head over to the Truth Laid Bear and check out the top sites for yourself. I guess what I'm saying is that American bloggers have always been proud of the political power a blog or group of bloggers can harness - just ask Dan Rather, the first person to ever lose his job because of a blogger (as opposed to losing your job because you blog).

Well, this blurb points out that blogging is starting to light fires not just in the States, but in other Internet-embracing nations. It's enbaling not only one's freedom of speech, but allows people to gain massive exposure - worldwide in this case. I mean, how many people hit Glen's site everyday? 170-200 thousand? Every day. And this article got that kind of exposure. Blogging is wack. When people consider the real benefits of the Internet, I'd say one of the top two would have to be communication/freedom of information (the second probably being commerce). But this is what people really mean when they talk about the Internet - the ability to not only say it to everyone, but for anyone to have the ability to hear it and pass it on.

Another thing that presents a completely new issue is tackling how blogging brings us together, if at all. Take for instance, Paul and me. I've never met Paul, never seen a photo of the guy, never even talked to him on the phone. But here we are running this site together. My brother, who doesn't really follow the blogosphere, asked "So do you know this guy?" Technically, I guess I don't know Paul because I wouldn't be able to pick him out of a lineup. But we communicate on a fairly regular basis, and I know things about Paul that probably most people who could pick him out of a lineup would know. So, maybe my brother was using the word "know" in the pre-Information Age sense of the word. Becuase now, in the days of free instant international communication, we can know people without ever knowing who they are. This same concept applies to all the bloggers in the blogroll on the right whom I know but don't know; and who know me without knowing who I am.

Fucking odd huh?

Ancilliary to this relationship peice are the problems resulting from the inability to create tone and inflection in text-based conversations. A great illustration of said problem can be found in the comments here, wherein I think I'm alluding to a long-running joke when I'm actually pissing someone off. I completely failed to correctly inflect or create context, mostly because I couldn't use my voice to intone the remark.

So the Internet allows me to communicate with people all over the globe, contact people in a way that, formerly, was only possible by actually seeing them. Unfortunately in the end, not only do I not know who they are, but I've probably spent half of the time pissing them off.