Snooze Button Dreams
Snooze Button Dreams
Snooze Button Dreams
October 05, 2008
Taco Bell
(Category: Random Observations )

Okay, has anyone else noticed that Taco Bell is now serving their food in a pink taco shell? I'm sitting here watching football, right; and honestly I don't even know the name of the particular taco, because all I saw was that it's pink. A pink taco!

Now, as much as sex sells, I'd be willing to bet that Taco Bell isn't hitting a large target market. Yes, many people like pink tacos; but NO ONE WANTS TO EAT GRADE-D BEEF AND CHEESE SAUCE OUT OF THEM. Well, in this day and age I guess I'm hesitant to say 'no one'; but statistically speaking it might as well be no one.

Advertising consults. Just another free service we offer here at SBD.

Continue reading "Taco Bell"
Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (883) | TrackBack (0)
February 25, 2008
Atlas Jitterbugged
(Category: Random Observations )

I feel for The Spinster, because I don't like blustery frozen messes anymore than she does; but I saw something today that put it into perspective:

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This is a USGS map showing the earthquakes in Indonesia over the last seven days; 19 in total (list with details). The larger the square, the bigger the quake. Each one you see is 5+ on the Richter Scale. The darker the square, the most recent. All of these are within the last week, the orange is today, the red is within the hour.

As bad as winter is, at least we know it's only temporary. But what the hell are you supposed to do when the spit of sand you call home threatens more than once a day to fall into the sea?

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
August 03, 2007
On Equine Felatio
(Category: Random Observations )

In his latest post, Skank mentioned blowing donkeys (nice hobby there, Skank!). Which got me to thinking. I once saw a video of a chick blowing a horse. As if that weren't disturbing enough, I was 13 when I saw it. I was over at my sister's boyfriends' house after he had a bachelors party and he asked me if I wanted to see some porn. I was 13 so I said, "Hell yeah!". And he puts on this video of a chick blowing a horse. I was like - that's not porn, that's illegal. Do you know how big a horse dick is? Can you imagine how hard it must be to get it in your mouth (no pun intended)? Now imagine the amount of sperm it ejaculates. The chick looked like a horse had just ejaculated all over her for lack of a better description.

But what I really want to know is what would possess someone? Whether it's a horse or a dog or a goat. What's the attraction? Human genitals are ugly enough. Must we start licking other species genitals? What possesses a normal woman to fuck her Border Collie? Besides the fact that it's hung like a Border Collie. Loneliness? Boredom? The thrill of doing it doggie-style...with an actual dog? I mean who does doggie-style better than a dog.

I find this absolutely fascinating. The same way I find a train wreck fascinating. Enough so that I've decided to start a research study to determine why people, but specifically females, will have sex with horses and dogs. The study will be called "Human Females and Their Physical Attraction to Equines, Bovines and Canines - What The Fuck?" If any of my female readers have had sex or thought about having sex with any four-legged animal over say - 30 lbs., and would like to be part of the study, describe your experience(s) in comments. I will analyze this data and report back with my findings on the psychology of these twisted freaks. All participants will be compensated. And when I say compensated, I mean I'll rent a few ponies for an afternoon and you whackos can have at 'em.

Do you think the animals like it? Do they care? Do they have the mental capacity to feel violated? Or do they just think, "What the hell is she doing down there?". The answers to these questions will be harder to answer. But I promise to get to the bottom of this with exhaustive and extensive anecdotal evidence.

So please, I need your participation. For science.

Thank you in advance,

"Dr." Will

*The views and ramblings of Dr. Will are not necessarily the views of the management at Snooze Button Dreams.

Posted by Will | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)
July 19, 2007
Internet Heart Attacks
(Category: Random Observations )

There are a lot of things about the internet that are irritating. But nothing drives me crazier than those little clips or games where the instructions are to look closely for a red dot or ghost figure. You know, you look really closely and then all of the sudden a decomposing banshee squeals across the screen. Your heart rate doubles. You choke on your own screams. Your butthole puckers, but it's too late. You have shit your pants.

Whoever invented those is evil. I hope they have a huge karmic asskicking waiting for them in the afterlife. Delivered, of course, by a gaggle of those corpse banshees.

The only funny ones are where the parents set up their kids. That's funny shit. At least until the therapy bill comes!

Posted by Singultus | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
May 09, 2007
Insipid Post# 51,437
(Category: Random Observations )

I bought this new tooth paste the other day. It's Crest Cinnamon something or other. It's supposed to whiten your teeth more than regular toothpaste and freshen your breath with cinnamony goodness. All well and good, except it's red. I know you associate cinnamon with the color red. So do I. However, after brushing, when you're in spit phase, it looks like you're hacking up blood. Now, every time I brush, I think my gums are bleeding. I have to remind myself that it's just the toothpaste. But then I think to myself, hey! What if my gums are bleeding? I'd never know it.

So, a word of advice to the folks at Crest: Either dump the red-colored toothpaste, or call it something like: "New Cinnamon Crest - now with gingivitis! If you've never experienced the joys of bleeding gums, Try new Crest with gingivitis! Whiter teeth, fresher breath, and bloodier gums!" I mean really - who thought red toothpaste was a good idea?

So that's my latest bathroom hygiene woes. Innocuous enough for you?

P.S. By a show of comments, how many of you think that I'm at least as talented and funny as James Lileks?

Okay, how many of you agree that I at least have more hair than he does?

Posted by Will | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)
April 26, 2007
The Milieu Of Sucky In An Otherwise Unsucky Milieu
(Category: Random Observations )

There seems to be a general consensus that I suck. And not just in a general way, I have a gift for sucking (shut up, Skank). This has been perpetuated for some time and it's unfair. It was unfair when I had my old blog and it is unfair now. Repeat it often enough and it becomes true. Perception becomes reality. I guess if you perceive me to suck, I do suck. In your tiny, rotten brains.

I'm not exactly sure where it started but I know a few people who gave it legs. One is a cranky little prostitute from Wisconsin. Or maybe it's Iowa. It doesn't matter. All midwestern states are tornado-prone dustbowls that might as well belong to Canada for all their usefulness. And then there is someone who blogs on this very site. You know who you are. And then there is another person who blogs on this site who was instrumental in sticking the suck label on me. You also know who you are. There are many other bloggers, too numerous to mention here, who jumped on the bandwagon or just honestly thought I sucked. But I digress.

My point is - I'm not really that bad. Look at Instapundit. Yawn. All he does is link to articles and blogs that are more boring than his. If you think he's boring, don't dare click his links. And if he talks about his friggin' camera one more time, I'm going to gouge out my eyes with a melon-baller.

And how about Frank J.? Illiterate. Mind-numbing. Arrogant. Overrated. You see what I did there? Get it? Come on! That's both funny and clever.

Well, I think I clearly and concisely laid out my argument of why, not only do I not suck, but why I'm better than most of the bloggers out there. Did I mention that I've been quoted in the NY Times? And I was praised in some Tennessee newspaper about my extensive coverage of Hurricane Whoever It Was That Year. What more proof do you need?

Don't beat yourselves up. You retards know not what you do.

Apology accepted!

PS: Also, I believe I used the word "milieu" correctly in the title. Further proof that I don't in fact suck.

Posted by Will | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0)
April 13, 2007
Life, Liberty And The Pursuit of Crappiness
(Category: Random Observations )

Have you ever wanted to have a drink at say, 11:00 in the morning (who hasn't) but you feel guilty because it's too early and you use that old chestnut, "It's 5:00 somewhere!"? Me too!

Well, why can't you use that same excuse for work? I'm giving it a shot.

Posted by Will | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
July 12, 2006
An important discovery
(Category: Random Observations )

Yesterday I posted some things about bloggers that annoy me. I realize now that I left out a big one. Some bloggers like to inflate their megalomaniac egos by letting on that they know “a secret.”

The secret is can be something involving national security, but usually it’s about another blogger. “I got a call last night and found out what the story is on Phil.” Yeah? Well no one knows who Phil is except for you and your three incestrous readers. You need to get dressed and go outside. Get yourself a 7-Eleven burrito or something.

All of these traits that are so prevalent in blogging are important. Adding up all these annoying little things over time will eventually be the sum total of a bloggers mental illness.

I suspect psychologists will be using blogs for diagnosing patients soon. I predict that within the next five years whenever you go to a shrink’s office the first question they’ll ask is, “Do you have a blog?”

It’s all there isn’t it? A year’s worth of posts would be gold for a shrink. High points, low points, paranoia and especially delusions of grandeur. And that’s just the small stuff. Add in multiple personality disorders and manic depression and now you’re really rolling.

The first shrink who thinks of this will probably get the Nobel prize.

You cannot tell me I’m wrong. I can look at three posts and tell if someone’s crazy. Hell, crazy makes for entertaining reading. But not everyone has a blog. Next questions, “Do you read or comment on any blogs?”

Hell if I was a shrink I’d be cruising the blogs all day looking for customers and writing emails.

Dear Tequillajohnny,

I was going through your archives and I couldn’t help but notice…

My work is done here. Thesis complete.

Posted by Paul! | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)
July 03, 2006
Finding the Perfect Bar
(Category: Random Observations )

For many people, surviving a week in this crazy world of ours without a good bar would be impossible. For those of us who know our bars, there is a short list of "Must Have's" that a bar must meet to even be considered. It's an important decision, choosing a bar; because nothing upsets the balance of a soul like suffering through a drink at some shitty bar.

The most overiding component when choosing a bar would have to be the 'people mix'. If you can't feel comfortable with the regulars, then don't even bother; because technically, your aim is to become one of this crew. A good regular always pays their tab, always tips well or better, never breaks the bar rules, and when someone else breaks the rules, will always side with the bartender. Notice, I didn't say a regular couldn't be irritating. Every bar has any number of raging alcoholics who are there every day when they aren't sleeping or working. Every good bar will have two, maybe three, but no more. And it's important to note that these drunks are of the harmless variety. They don't start fist fights, though they need to be quieted; and they mostly just ramble on like crazy people. Bartenders should be friendly, but not falsely so. They should have a good repetoire of dirty jokes, as well as a conversational current events and political affairs acumen. The bartender should be someone who deserves your respect as a peer and a pop-intellectual. Good regulars already know the following unspoken rule, but as an aside; don't hit on the bartender. Her husband is one of the regulars and he finds it somewhat irritating when people hit on his wife, then realizing her husband is sitting right next to them, proceed to tell him how lucky he is and how he should treat her well. That shit is lame. Is that supposed to be some kind of sage advice or something? Most importantly, a good 'people mix' can pretty much outweigh any of the following concerns; and should always be the key factor in picking your bar.

A good bar will always have gaming tables. Be it billiards, darts, cards, fooseball, or arcade machines; they must be there. I prefer shooting pool, so my small bar has about 8 regultion nine-footers; but they also have fooseball (an odd game that I've never really understood), pinball, darts, and arcade bowling. Take it upon yourself to loosely pick up at least one of the available leisure activities and become relatively competent. You don't need to be a champ or anything, but competency will help group cohesiveness. The quality of the gaming equipment shouldn't be shabby, but expect some wear and tear.

There should be at least three TV's within view no matter where you're standing in the bar; and a decent jukebox should be available. I'm not a serious sports fan, but I do love watching a good game with friends. Sports can drive a lot of conversation, and if you really get into watching the home team or a championship series; it can be lots of fun and excitement. Hell, sometimes at the bar we'll watch 'Family Guy'; and there's a group of guys who come to watch 'Battlestar Galactica' together. I've never seen that show, but that's probably because I'm too busy getting laid, something that I would assume rarely happens to 'Battlestar Galactica' fans, Trekkies, and that guy who played Bilbo Baggins in 'Lord of the Rings'("RU-dee RU-dee!"). As far as jukeboxes go, modern advances have made them quite satisfactory. Gone are the days of lame, outdated records stuck in rotation. Modern jukeboxes are patched into a network, and instead of playing records or disks, hold the music in mp3 files. The jukebox itself will provide a standard bank of about 50-100 albums that change frequently via the network depending on parameters set by the bar ownership. An added benefit of the network is that it allows listeners to download selections not in the standard rotation at a somewhat higher price. These downloadable titles include just about everything ever made; including the little known fusion version of "My Favorite Things" that Coltrane did. No, not the one you've probably heard, there's another one. I call it heroin jazz, because that's what happens when you mix heroin and jazz. Try not to get the two confused, because if you do; you'll inadvertantly subject yourself to 25 minutes of sonic hell. Damn you Coltrane!

I tend to prefer more intimate, less 'clubby' settings, so as far as size is concerned I try to stick to a place with a maximum capactiy of 100-150 persons. Check the fire marshall's certificate hanging on the wall to get an idea of how crowded it gets in a bar on busy nights. Also, I tend to go for less mainstream places - I don't want to have to wait in line to get into my bar, and I sure as hell won't pay a cover charge to hang out with my friends. Granted, the downside to these type of places is that there's not ever any live music; but that doesn't bother me too much.

A good bar will have a decent to excellent selection of beverages and mixers. For Pete's sake, if you don't care about selection just hit the grocery store for some Bud Light. Personally, I'm not big on beer from a tap versus beer from a bottle. Sometimes keg beer is mixed improperly in the lines and comes out tasting like it's been cold filtered through a goat's asshole; whereas bottled beer is fairly consistent. However, I'm not stuck on one or the other; especially depending on the brew being served. Also, a good bar will consider recommendations by regulars on future products; so if you settle into a bar that doesn't carry what you like, mention it politely a month or so down the road.

Lastly, as a little peice of info, don't be afraid of a nominal yearly membership fee. I'll explain how this works. You walk into the bar and the bartender will ask if you're a member. You're not, so you can either pay the nominal yearly fee (say three bucks) or one of the members can sign you in under their name. If you're a cheapskate and an ass, you'll probably balk at having to pay a fee; followed by some obnoxious remark, probably create a small scene, and leave. At which point the patrons would raise their glasses to each other and toast to Good Riddance. If you're not a cheapskate or an ass, and someone in the bar can tell it by looking at you; they'll sign you in under their name and you're in for the night. If you're not a cheapskate or and ass and no one knows that yet, you'll probably say to yourself "Damn, it's only three bucks." In which case you'd pay the fee, and ask the bartender what's with the silly three bucks. The reason bars do this, your new bartender will explain, is that in some states bars must serve a certain percent of sales in food. However, by charging a yearly fee the bar becomes a 'Members Only' institution; and these organizations don't have to sell a certain percent of sales in food. Moreover, notice the interesting dynamic of clientele control and asshole screening that a membership fee puts in the hands of the bartender and the regulars. If some scuzzy looking bum comes in, no one will sign him in. It also allows the bartender to 'bar' patrons who break the rules from ever returning to the bar. The whole thing creates a dynamic where the regulars and the bartenders kind of police each other. Don't explain it to everyone though, because then we'll never know who the cheapskates and asses are until they're already members. And then we'll just have to bar them.

If you have any questions or comments, or feel I've been to ambiguous in explaining things; please feel free to post them below or email them to me. I'll be happy to address them, as I take this kind of thing very seriously.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
June 13, 2006
Lucky Opportunist Prick
(Category: Random Observations )

If Jon Stewart didn't have a staff of writers that could spin gold lace from a pile of dogshit, his career would have peaked in the mid nineties, at the height of his "Shitty, Late Night, Flash-in-the-Pan Flop" period.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
June 12, 2006
Reality Check
(Category: Random Observations )

If you're still getting 50% or more of your news and events info from the television; you're just taking in the modern version of Entertainment Tonight. Not only is the majority of it completely irrelevant and partisan (depending on your channel of choice); but watching this crap is the equivalent of choosing to communicate with friends and family via the US Postal Service in lieu of telephone, email, or chatting.

Posted by shank | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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