I saw this bumper sticker yesterday that said REAL MEN LOVE JESUS. It struck me as odd, because I can't think of anything more arbitrary or removed from manhood than something like 'loving Jesus'. I mean, by this logic anyone who loved Jesus would be a real man; which would make being a real man pretty inexclusive and, frankly, too easy. If you don't love Jesus you're not a real man? It also struck me as funny, because of the obvious underlying insecurity. "Don't make fun of me for loving Jesus, because it makes me a real man. See, I can be a man and love Jesus too." Well, if you have to inform everyone that loving Jesus does, in fact, make you a real man; does it really make you a real man, or are we just shoring up our percieved shortcomings as a man? It's tantamount to saying REAL MEN LOVE GOING TO THE STORE FOR THIER SPOUSE'S TAMPONS. It's an absurd attempt to turn something that's got nothing to do with masculinity into an identifying trait of masculinity.

A more appropriate bumper sticker might say REAL MEN LOVE GRILLING, or maybe REAL MEN LOVE SWINGING A SLEDGEHAMMER. These are much better, because I don't think any man, Christian or not (gay or straight, black or white, dress left or right, etc), would pass up the opportunity to stand around the grill with his chums, or lay waste with his favorite blunt implement. Of course, they also go without saying; which only reinforces the irrationality of the Jesus bumper sticker itself.

There's always the argument that the two suggestions above also have nothing to do with masculinity. So let's boil it down to a physical characteristic: REAL MEN HAVE PENISES; scientifically proveable, no? This is where it gets funny, because the language is real men. REAL men? As opposed to fake men, I'm assuming. The funny part is the adjective 'real' actually throws a heavy fog of uncertainty over what exactly we're identifying as 'men' here. Which is pretty confusing considering that's exactly what we're trying to do: identify men. Try it without the word 'real': MEN HAVE PENISES. A statement of fact, no doubt. But when you add 'real' to the front of the statement, it takes on a tone of exclusivity that would throw out those people who might feel like men but don't have penises. Ahem...Carrot Top.

Basically, there are two conclusions that can be drawn here:
1. Being a REAL MAN has nothing to do with masculinity
and/or
2. There is not a single characteristic that defines REAL MEN.

Either way, this person is riding around with a bumper sticker that is completely unintelligible.

In my opinion, there's a lot of complete bullshit out there regarding men's grooming. Cleaning yourself is a pretty simple process, and there's an entire industry built on selling products to the public that do the vast majority of us no good at all. I'm beginning to lose interest in this whole 'How to be a Man' thing, so this'll be quick and dirty.

Showering - If you look in your shower and see more than two bottles, you're losing your grip on your own masculinity. A guy needs a bottle of shampoo, and maybe a bottle of conditioner or some kind of bottled soap instead of a bar. Let's be honest here, anything else is more effort than I'd want to put forth to get clean. You don't need a different kind of soap for every part of your body, either; so you can eighty-six the facial cleansers, moisturizing rubs, and exfoliating gels. Your face gets enough attention with regular soap and a shave.

Shaving - I prefer shaving with a blade as opposed to a handheld electric, but that's just me. My hair doesn't grow fast or thick, either; so I can usually go a day or two without having to shave. Plus, I think there are a lot of pleasant side-effects of shaving with a blade. I usually don't go with a scented shave gel or anything; I run a pretty run of the mill foam. My grandpa taught me how to shave, and he actually used the old-school method with a foam brush and everything; so there's a bit of nostalgia there for me. I recently picked up Gilette's new five blade razor, and have been pleased with it. It was inexpensive too, because I bought it (and a set of replacement blades) at a cheap introductory price when they first came out. It shaves nicely, and seems to last longer. Don't bother with the electric impulse BS either. That's just retarded. For more info on shaving, there's actually a ShaveBlog that will give you all the indepth info you could ask for.

Hair - I have short hair, so for me it stays pretty simple: shampoo, hair gel. I don't have a part either, when I get a haircut I just have them clean it up. A dab of gel in the morning the size of a pea, a little hand tousle; and I'm out the door. The less crap you put in your hair, the less you'll look like a complete ass. Loading up on hairspray, gel, mousse, and brillcream is only going to be harsh on your hair and give you the appearance of an uptight dillhole. If you have longer hair, I guess using a little conditioner might help; but I wouldn't know because I'm not a hippie.

Shoes - I work in an office, which unfortunately means I have to wear ties and nice shoes. A nice set of shoes is a pain in the ass, because they need to be polished every week or so. My old man was military, and in my childhood I used to sit with him while he polished his shoes and polish my own. It's pretty simple, and can be done while watching a TV show or sitting on the porch with a beer. Supplies are cheap: a soft shoe brush, the appropriate polish (usually sold by color, I use parade gloss black), a soft peice of cloth (an old t-shirt works perfectly), and some edge/sole shine. Put one hand in the shoe, and use the brush or cloth in your other to remove any dust and loose debris from the outside shoe leather. After sufficiently clean, apply the polish to the entire shoe in circular strokes similar to the motion you'd use with car wax. Let it sit for a minute or two, and buff with the brush. For a higher shine, you can do a second coat and then buff with the cloth moistened. I've had military buddies who swear by heating the polis up with a lit match, but I think they just do that because it's an excuse to light something on fire.

Clothes - I'll admit, I have a simple approach to this. I try to by wrinkle-proof clothes when I can, but you have to be choosey with your brands here, as some wrinkle free stuff is made out of burlap. If you know how to iron, that's great for you. I don't. So I'm either subject to the kindness of my wife, or taking my pressable clothes to a dry cleaner. See, wrinkle-free is the way to go. Contrary to popular myth, you can wash coloreds and whites together. The father of my first college roommate ran a cleaners, and he knew all these great shortcuts for washing laundry. Using cold water will allow you to wash anything in the same load that's not brand new or prone to shrinkage. Although I must admit, whites come out better in hot water with a little bleach and detergent. Stain removal can be a bitch, but if you splash the area immediately with cold water, you should be straight. If that's not possible, hit it with a stain remover when you get home. 'Shout' has this great product that comes in a squeeze bottle and has a bristled applicator - and you can apply it and leave it on until you're ready to do laundry, you don't have to wash it immediately. Whatever you do, don't rub; dab. You don't want to push the stain further into the cloth, and you don't want to apply heat. Heat denatures the proteins in biological stains (blood, wine, other food related stains) and helps them set. Or something.

Oh, and clip your fingernails.

Okay, this is simple. As a general rule; if it involves meat, flames, smoke, or sauce (strictly for meats or pastas); it's in safe man-cooking territory. Inappropriate dishes would include baked goods (cookies, cakes, muffins; however I'll make an exception for items like pot pie and shepherds pie), souffles, and anything involving whipped cream or a sifter. Your mileage may very, but there are at least a few items that are man standards; and should be mastered.

Sandwiches - Every man should posses the culinary skill to whip up a respectable sandwich. I don't mean PB&J either, I'm talking Dagwood Bumstead. A guideline I like to use is that a truly good sandwich can be eaten for any meal, not just lunch or breakfast. I usually start with some lightly toasted bread, and from there I just start pulling junk out of the fridge. The great thing about a sandwich is you can put anything on it. I usually stick to turkey (or ham), mustard, hot sauce, maybe some salad dressing, lettuce, tomato, banana peppers, bacon, eggs, black pepper, cheese, and the the occasional smattering of green olives. But obviously anything can be used; just aim for your favorite flavors. I like spicy, tangy foods; hence my aforementioned choices. The only rule is don't put garbage in your sandwich. Kraft Singles, Bacon Bits, Miracle Whip, turkey bacon, and tofu are all good examples of garbage. They're just shitty substitutes for the real thing. Although they may imitate the consistency of real ingredients, they taste like the package your real ingredients come in.

Grilling - Anything can be grilled. Show me a food that can't be grilled and I'll show you someone who's got no skills behind a Weber. Grilling is a post in and of itself and there are innumerable books, webpages, and even TV shows on how to grill properly. Even if you have only a little grilling experience, understand that the two most important factors are time and sauce. As for method, personally there's no debate between charcoal and gas - charcoal wins hands down. However, I have been known to use gas and even electric if I'm grilling during the week. But when you've got the time on the weekends, go with coals. The heat is more evenly distributed and easily controlled; as is flavor. And if it takes a little time, you might just have to force yourself to have a few beers and socialize. As for sauces, they are of even greater debate than the gas vs. charcoal discussion. Georgia, North Carolina, Kansas, and Texas all have radically different approaches to barbecue and rib sauces; and one man's grilled Mahi is another man's waste of a catch. Try a bunch of recipes and pick the ones you like; then meddle with them at home. I prefer vinegar-based BBQ sauces; the easiest of which is a storebought barbecue sauce mixed with a little hotsauce, mustard and white vinegar.

Stews - Here's another dish where time is important. More often than not, the longer the pot simmers, the better the flavor. The key is using a low enough temperature to avoid burning the food; but still cooking it through. That's why I recommend a crockpot. Man, you can throw your ingredients and spices into the crock pot; head to work, and come home to a hearty flavorful dinner. Most recipes tend to follow a standard framework with multiple variations. For beef stew, I like to stick with beef tips. Coat 'em in a little flour, lightly brown them, set them aside and deglaze the pot with a little broth. Add onions, carrots, celery, potatoes and your choice of spices. When the onions and celery start to get soft, top off with more broth, toss in the meat, and bring to a boil. From here, just bring it back down to a simmer, slap a lid on it and walk away. Well, not forever or anything; you can come back when you're hungry. The great thing about stew is it stores well, and you can put it in several smaller containers for lunch during the work week. A much better alternative than foraging the corporate savannah for egg Mcmuffins or fried chicken.

Chili - Similar to stew but with a tomato base; chili is a culinary wonder. A thick chili can be spread on sandwiches, a chili of milder consistency can be used as dip, and a soupier chili is great for taking to the office in a thermos (similar to stews above). And also similar to stews, it is a framework that has multiple variations. One of my favorites is a crock-pot version my friend came up with that he aptly calls 'Man Salad'. I know, it sounds weird; and the first time he asked me if I wanted to try his Man Salad I wondered if we really knew eachother all that well. But it is what it is. Which is basically peppers, onions, sausage, ground beef, tomatoes, and baked beans simmered in a sweet barbecue-type sauce. It's great on sandwiches and as a dip; a huge hit at football parties.

If you want more in depth info on cooking in general, there are a ton of resources out there. Check out allrecipes.com; probably one of the best recipes sites I've found. They have a searchable database; but you can also enter a few items you have laying around the house, and it will search for recipes with those ingredients. Also, Alton Brown has a TV show, 'Good Eats', on the Food Network that I highly recommend. His approach is basic but highly informed, and he's not impressed with useless trappings. As with all of the entries in the "How to Be a Man" category, none of these guidelines are written in stone. The point here is that cooking is not a domain that should be absent a little testosterone. At least now no one has the excuse that they didn't have a place to start.

I've had it with this metrosexual nonsense. This new fad is an attempt to take the grit out of manhood - to subtract from the essence of man. It's a crock of shit. James Bond, Frank Sinatra, Cool Hand Luke, The Duke - these men had grit. They also had style, but they didn't need designer clothes, facial cleansers, or spring salads topped with tangerine slices and walnut crumbles to achieve it. So I've decided to embark on a journey to remind us all that men don't need Paul Mitchell, The Queer Eye Crew, or pastel colors to be a modern man. We'll cover cooking, clothes, hygeine, music, all kinds of crap; so keep checking this category.

Dressing Like a Man
Firstly, take notes from the penultimate man heroes. Bond wore black and white tuxes - to everything. Don't worry about sprucing up your formal wear, man. Black and white is timeless, elegant, and is the masterful balance of unassuming yet sophisticated. As far as dress shoes go, I prefer a parade gloss black shoe or black and white wingtips. Sinatra wore wingtips. Sinatra. Wingtips.

When dressing for the office, stick to monocrhomatic shit. If you've got brown shoes, wear a brown belt. Black shoes, black belt. Easy to remember, right? Always go with neutral colors for pants - black, grey, off-white. Not only are these easy to find, but they'll go with just about any matching shirt/tie combo. I can't match colors for shit (probably because I have a set of balls) so I usually take my wife with me for shirt/tie shopping. Notice that you'll hardly ever find a straightup grey pair of pants; same with brown. They usually have little threads of other colors woven in. Find a shirt that hints at those colors, but isn't too dark. Then pick a tie that alludes to these same colors. It all sounds very complicated, that's why I suggest taking a wife or sister along. They just have an eye for that subtle color shit.

As far as casual wear goes; if you actually pick this kind of stuff out, you're beyond help. If any real man had his druthers, it'd be t-shirts and jeans for every occasion. Really, if you have to think about what you're going to wear on Saturday afternoon or something, you've been completely corrupted by BS. Pick a pair of old shorts, a grimy undershirt, and those sneaks you've had since you were in college and get your but out there and mow the lawn or change the oil. Please tell me you know how to do that.

Next time we'll cover grooming. Or maybe cooking. But who knows.