I’m instituting a new feature here at SBD. Since I’m a cultural kind of guy I’ve decided to share my vast expertise on all things cultural every Friday. Or until I get bored.
Today’s topic: Art Appreciation
The first thing we need to address is the fact that art is subjective. One man’s masterpiece is another mans complete and total piece of shit. With that said, let me tell you how I feel about modern art—I think it blows. If it looks like my kid painted it, I really don’t have much respect for it. Critics say that “Modern Art” embodies anything done since about 1800, but my definition is anything that looks like a second grader painted it.
I particularly enjoy paintings from the Renaissance period, like Raphael’s Woman With A Veil. Note how you can tell what the fuck it is, unlike, say, modern art. What appeals most to me about this piece is how the woman is looking directly at you whilst gently fondling her breast.
The Baroque period offers some of history’s finest works. Let’s take a look at Rembrandt’s The Anatomy Lesson. Check out the look on the face of the guy holding the book. That’s art.
It’s important at this point to make to make a distinction. Rembrandt, Raphael, El Greco is art. Throwing one’s own feces at a canvas or anything having to with soup cans is shite. This is an important distinction and you may want to write that down.
But back to the baroque period. You’ll notice a lot of semi-naked fat chicks, so if that’s your thing, you’ve really hit the jackpot.
I generally skip right over the Neoclassical period. I don’t know…it lacks…chicks fondling their own breasts.
As far as modern art (by critic’s definition) the realists and the impressionists have done some great work. Renoir’s On the Terrace is a great example of masterful use of colors, yet you still know exactly what you’re looking at.
Post Impressionism, Cubism, Abstract and other styles of modern art generally blow, but then again, it’s all subjective.
Oddly, I can appreciate Surrealism and in particular Salvadore Dali. His Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bumblebee Around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening is very intense as is his Self Portrait.
Next Friday we’ll look at cinema, which is a much more cultural way of saying movies.
Big fan of Dali myself, we've got a repro of his hanging on one of our walls. I like to look at it sometimes and wonder what he was on. I would guess acid, but I'm not sure if they had LSD back then or not. I tend to favor Impressionism though, especially Monet.
Great line from Full Metal Jacket: "You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!"
You are, of course correct in your assessment, Paul, though I would also applaud Shanks choice of Dali, who had talent dripping from his ass, he was so full of it. Regardless, artists of any stripe are not to be trusted. Their minds aren't right. Musicians being the worst.
Well done!
Great work!