I dislike all of you. Immensely. The lot of you are boorish and mundane, without an original thought amongst you.

Specifics

Theodore:

What the fuck do you do in the bathroom all day? There’s a fucking pool going now on how many minutes per day you spend in there.

Deb:

You’re a serious skank. You’re stinking up the whole floor with the smell of Benson & Hedges and cheap-ass perfume. You must swim laps in that shit. I suspect you’ve had group sex in a moving car whilst smoking a cigarette. Please refrain from speaking to me.

Leo:

If you say, “Think outside the box,” just one more time, I will personally throw you down the stairs. I’ve warned you numerous times.

Carol:

You are way too heavy to be wearing clothes that tight. You’re not fat, you’re not unattractive, but you’re going to bust the seams on that shit. Please comply, as you seem to be very nice.

Anthony:

You’re a real asshole and the guy I’m most likely to attack physically. You need to lower your goddamned voice. There’s nothing I dislike more than a loudmouth braggart. And you really need new shoes. I would be totally embarrassed to wear those old ratty dogs to work.

James:

You’re a special case. You love meetings, and I know why. While the rest of us are trying to escape and do actual work, you love to sit there and think in the abstract. I see the way you light up when the brainstorming starts. You know what? There are bad ideas. Lot’s of them. And the next time you defend or advance some retarded idea in that conference room I will personally stand up and give an oral history of your fuckups like a griot reciting the 1,000 year history of a village. You will be able to walk under a closed door by the time I get through.

Sam:

I don’t know how many shirts you own, but I’m guessing three. I see you every day and I only count three shirts. That’s either very heavy rotation or you need some kind of help.

To be continued…