I have to admit I’m not big on answering the phone. In our house, 95% of all phone calls are for my wife. She’s on the phone so much the fucking thing gets hot.
Anyway, last night we had an aunt and uncle from out of town come over for dinner. Very conservative and a lot older than us. So we’re sitting there dipping bread into the artichoke pesto when the phone rings. I looked over at my wife and told her to let it ring.
“You know it’s not important,” I said, “You can call them back later.”
She nods in agreement and we go back to chatting in a reserved manner. Just then the answering machine clicks on and a loud voice booms through the kitchen. And at that moment I realized my error.
“Hey asshole!”
It was an old friend of mine. He was hammered. I instantly knew that this would end badly.
“Dude, get your hand off your cock and answer the fucking phone!”
I looked at our guests. They were stunned. Ashen.
“C’mon fuckface, I know you’re there!”
At that point I didn’t know what to do. I realized I was holding my breath. My old lady was looking at me, her eyes pleading. But there was no solution. We were already mortified.
I didn’t know if I should run over and pick up the phone or what. I was about to declare it a wrong number when he addressed me by name, cementing forever the already tarnished reputation I hold in the family.
“That’s Paul’s old college roommate,” my wife offered, “You know how it is…”
But they didn’t know how it is. Or how it was. And we went back to the pesto and I poured more wine and thought about my buddy. And how he’d screwed me royally, and the joy it would bring him when I eventually called back. Somehow, it made me feel better.
Dude, at first I thought "Now that's something that could easily happen to me." Then I remembered that I haven't owned an actual answering machine since about 1992 or so when the phone company offered it as a bundled service. Hell, these days I don't even have a hardline at the house. Dude, step into the glory of the technological age.
But then again, if the reputation is already in the gutter, there's no point in trying to save it. I mean, screw those people right? What, like they've never drunk dialed before!? BAH!
Does your "answering machine" have an actual cassette tape inside?
Speaking of being mortified, I am embarrassed because I just spit all over my keyboard at work. Great story, Paul!
It's a digital answering machine so there's no tape. It's actually part of the phone system I installed, which is very high tech.
Man, I'm still feeling humiliated. Oh well.
Are your family super conservative? 'cause mine would be completely mortified if they witnessed that. My mom would send me even more bibles than she already does.
I did that to a friend at work, by accident. I left him a voicemail saying, "Hi, M., I was just looking at hot l-e-s-b-i-a-n prOn on the internet and I thought of you". M was my college roomate. M, as it turns out, listened to his voice mail on speaker phone. Loud. In a cube environment.
He doesn't do that anymore, he tells me.
Paul, if it makes you feel any better:
When I was a freshman or sophmore in college, my old man came up to help me move out of the dorm for summer or christmas break; can't remember exactly. Anyways, my buddies and I are pakcing things up, and Bennett drops a glass mug. It shatters on the floor and he yells "SHIT!" Course, it scared the crap out of me, so I immediately yell "FUCK!" Nick follows that with "GODDAMN!" We all look at eachother for a sec, and Bennett says "SHIT!"
"FUCK!" I scream.
"GODDAMN!" Nick chimes in.
"SHIT!"
"FUCK!"
"GODDAMN!"
We're laughing now, and it starts to take on a sing-song tone, like we're singing in rounds, but swearing. We carry on in this manner for a few minutes, literally doing a jig around our room. What a bunch of idiots.
"Oh Christ, I was hoping that wasn't you." I turn around and there's my fucking dad standing in the doorway, looking at me not with anger, but with this kind of expected disappointment. My buddies laugh, 'cause they know my dad's a hardass; and I just have to sit there looking like the world's biggest dipshit.
I had a similar experience once. I called one of my wife's friends, and as was my custom I used this perv voice and said something really obscene when she answered ("I want to rub your blood all over my naked body"). All I heard was an "Oh my God" and then the phone on the other end hit the floor. I thought I'd dialed a wrong number, but a few minutes later our friend called, laughing her ass off about the phone call. One of her neighbors had answered her phone for her and was still in shock.
Tehehe - remember, revenge is a dish best served cold!
OMG I almost peed my pants over this one...
My imagination is way too good for this stuff...
Thanks AGAIN for the laugh!