Phillip:

You’re not nearly as smart as you think you are. More importantly, what the hell have you done in the last twelve months? I think a list of your accomplishments could be written on the back of business card. With a Sharpie. In addition to lackluster performance, you have an extremely limp handshake that creeps people out.

Janet:

You are, without a doubt, the most talked about person in the whole company. Dumb as a stump with a great body. Very attractive. A solid nine. There is no finer sight than that of you bending over in the copy room picking up paperclips. I love you Janet. I love you with all my heart.

Toby:

Please get out of panic mode. Nobody can be that panicked all day long, every day. Considering what you actually do here, it’s uncalled for. Just pick up the phone and say the name of the company. It’s not like you have stock options at risk.

Arthur:

No one believes you. Every Monday morning we have to hear about your conquests and skills with women, skis, cards, darts, et. al. ad nauseum. You walk from cube to cube with that fucking mug of coffee like you’re the second coming. And you just don’t get it. I’ve told you before to keep your voice down. I’ve told your manager I was going to take it out of his ass if I found you walking the floors again. I have kicked my office door closed in your face and you still don’t get it. You are universally despised.

Martha:

Stop. Fucking. Cooking. This is a workplace, not the goddamned Waffle House. You’re stinking up the whole floor with that shit. You know what? I’m the guy that had microwave popcorn banned here. Me. And I’m proud of it. Little did I know it would be replaced by you cooking full fucking meals. You put fish in that microwave one more time and I swear I’ll pee in that thing. You go ahead and try me.

Albert:

You are one seriously confused mofo. Let’s forget for a moment the magnitude of your stupidity and talk about what’s socially acceptable. Asking if you could borrow someone’s newspaper and then proudly walking into the shitter is just…just…I fucking don’t know what it is. It horrifies me.

To be continued…