Completing a treacherous thousand-mile exodus, an ill and exhausted Brigham Young and fellow members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints arrived in Utah's Great Salt Lake Valley on July 24, 1847. They were ill and exhausted because everyone had eight to twelve wives who simultaneously bitched at them and told them they were lost and to "pull over and ask for directions for Christ's Sake!". This went on for a thousand miles. The Mormon pioneers viewed their arrival as the founding of a Mormon homeland, hence Pioneer Day. The Mormons, as they were commonly known, left their settlement in Nauvoo, Illinois, and journeyed West seeking refuge from religious persecution because they were a bunch of psycho, polygamist whackjobs.

July 24 is still celebrated as Pioneer Day in Utah and several other Western states. The bravery of the original settlers and their strength of character and physical endurance is commemorated with festivities including games and music, speeches, parades, rodeos, and picnics. Their physical endurance is still tested when the menfolk have to fuck and perform cunnilingus on each of their fifteen wives one after another until everyone has climaxed. This goes on for eight days and is known as Mormonukkah or The festival of Cum. Mormonukkah ends when the last candle is lit and a Mormonic dreidel is ceremoniously jammed up the oldest childs' ass.

On this date in 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived at its permanent spot at Ellis Island in NY. A gift from the French, before they became cowardly, pretentious pricks, to commemorate the centennial of the Declaration of Independence or possibly the Magna Carta. Although, and I may be wrong, but the Declaration of Independence wasn't written in 1785. Wasn't it 1776? I'm pretty positive something important happened in 1776. That was the year that Crispus Attucks rode through downtown Boston announcing to all who would listen, "Give me liberty or give me death". I believe he received death.

Remember the good old days when immigrants sailed into NY harbor, were herded off the ship, de-loused, beaten and thrown into crowded refugee camps until they could find a slum to live in? Then, depending on your nationality and whatever decade you arrived, no one would give you a job and if they did give you one, your friendly co-workers would rob you when you got payed because you didn't speak English. My Grandfather who was from Northern Italy did get a job because he looked German. He worked for Thomas Edison in West Orange, NJ. My Grandfather was a very intelligent man, specifically in science and math. One day, he invented the lightbulb. When he showed it to Thomas Edison, Edison gave him a dollar and told him to get back to work. That is how Thomas Edison "invented" electricity. He stole the invention from my Grandfather. Luckily, my grandfather was in the mob and proceeded to lay a beating on Edison, prompting Edison to give him a cut of the lucrative NY/NJ Electricity cartel.

Those were the good old days when you could treat people who were different than you like crap. Now, 12 million Beaners run across the border and we want to make them legal and give them benefits and welfare because they broke the law.

My Grandfather's rolling over in his grave.

PS - this post is not "racist". My point is, that through the history of the country, waves of different nationalities would arrive here and were treated badly for a few generations because they were different. Think of it as a kind of hazing. But for a half a century. Then they became the ruling class. The Germans got treated like crap by the English, the Irish got treated like crap by the Germans, the Italians got treated like crap by the Irish and so on. It was a rite of passage. You had to go through it to be accepted.

Except the American Indians and the Blacks. They got completely screwed. But, you got to break some eggs...or skulls, as it were.

Bill is too busy listening to Indigo Girls bootlegs, getting his asshole fingered by strangers, and studying yet another of his voluminous bowel movements to talk to you people.

So instead, I'll offer you a miracle. I'm not one to forward emails that have been forwarded to me; an offense that usually results in the offender being cussed out (in person, if possible). But I got a real gem of a heartwarming email this week that really brightened my day. It's below the fold, and I don't want you to read it unless you promise to share this post with ten of your friends.