Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am happy to report that the state of my prostate is excellent and should be far into the future, barring something like, well, cancer. However, the way this conclusion was reached was less than perfect, I am sorry to say. Before I tell you about the actual exam, I have a simple question? Why is my prostate in my ass? Isn't it for peeing and jizz-shooting? Shouldn't it be in my penis? I don't profess to know what a prostate is or what it really does or what it looks like or even what it feels like, thank God, but I figure a prostate is like real estate - it's all about location, location, location and I think mine is in a very bad neighborhood. Who thought it was a great idea to put it in my ass. I mean really.

That being said, when I went in for my annual checkup, the doctor asked me if a medical student could observe the exam. I, being a man of science and learning, agreed. Because I'm an idiot. I figured he'd send her out of the room when butt-probing time rolled around. Oh no. Not only was she watching when he greased me up and jammed his gloved hand up there, he explained everything he was doing. What he was feeling around for, what he was touching. Everything. I was half expecting him to ask her to grab a glove and join in. "Hey sweetcheeks, wanna give 'er a poke?" And then came the best part - he removed his finger from my ass and told me I could wipe. Spectacular. Have you ever wiped goo out of your ass while two strangers watched? No? Oh, you haven't lived. Good times!

But he did give me a lollipop, so I got that going for me.