The Wife keeps a housecat that she's had for about three years now. Unfortunately, the animal suffers from some kind of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde syndrome; which manifests itself in bouts of cuddling/wanting to be scratched follwed immediately by fits of rage. Seriously, she'll be shoving herself on you for affection, and then she'll whip around and try to take a peice of your hand off. I've had it with that beast; I hate the damned thing.

That being said, I think it would be cruel to torture or harm the animal in any way. I have thought about taking it down to the beach and attempting some kind of return to the wild type of experiment. This, of course, would require buy-in from The Wife (impossible, I already asked) or a covert operation. I'm not good at keeping secrets (hence, I only keep a few so that they're easy to keep track of); so that's not an option either.

After considering various methods of attack, I've decided that the only feasible strategy is to bring an animal into the house that makes the cat never want to return. I know a dog would work, but I don't want an adult dog; and puppies don't scare anyone. Plus, it would have to be a pretty big dog, because I've seen this feline attack dogs for getting sniffy around her ass. It almost made me want to keep her, but it reminded what kind of shredding those claws are capable of.

I did a pretty exhaustive internet search to look for merchants who sold miniature tigers (you know, like those miniature poodles), I'd totally buy a miniature tiger. No such luck, meh. Except for these things called serval cats, and they squick me out.

Although I did find a site on the web where you can buy monkeys; it was pretty expensive but I decided that it would be effective and quite entertaining. So for a couple grand I picked up this thing called a macaque, it looked big enough and sort of smart. Let me tell you something about monkeys - those things are fucking retarded. It scared the cat enough alright, but I couldn't get it to stop eating it's own shit long enough to train it to bring me a beer; let alone iron my office clothes.

I took it down to the beach last weekend and reintroduced it to the wild. The little bugger's still alive, because I catch a blurb about him in the police blotter every few days.

At this point, I can't think of any more animals that might fit the bill; so I'm turning to you guys. I've only got a few criteria:
1. No poisonous animals. I don't want this thing creeping up on me when I'm sleeping or drunk.
2. Can't be much larger than 30lbs or so.
3. Needs to be somewhat intelligent or trainable.

I'm taking all ideas at this point, and I'll post feedback here for each one that I try. Thanks for your help!