Well, another hurricane season is upon us; and with it no doubt will come all the frantic insanity and sensationalist hyperbole we should all expect from the media. Take Alberto, the storm's practically a flash in the pan and Drudge pulled out his flashing siren for it. I can fart harder than 70 mph; but I digress. Having lived in several hurricane-prone areas, and seen the extremes at both ends of the spectrum; I thought maybe I might have something to offer. As it turns out (and you may have guessed) I don't; so I asked Paul to add something to the post that might have merit. If you can tell who wrote which peices of advice, I'll send you a special gift in the mail; free of charge of course.

Here are your tips for the hurricane season, should you choose to heed them:

1. Firstly, do yourself a favor and go to the store now to stock up on gallon jugs of bottled water, canned goods, propane fuel, toilet paper, and all that other End of Days shit; you'll thank me later. Mostly because you won't have to wade through the throngs of barefooted simpletons that will fill every grocery and department store hours before the storm makes landfall. These people are the most frustrating subspecies of idiot to get stuck behind in the '12 Items or Less' lane too. Just imagine, these are the kinds of people who aren't prepared for hurricanes that have been coming to this part of the world every year for generations; what makes you think they even checked to make sure they had their wallets when they walked into the store? Never understimate the power of...stupid.

2. It's all about the ice. Bag the hell out of everything in your freezer and make it like crazy.

3. Charge your iPod now.

4. If your plan to weather the storm is to huddle with your kids in the bathroom, holding your mattress over your head; you might want to save yourself the trouble of watching your roof peel off your home like the lid on a tin of sardines by getting the fuck out of town. It seems simple, I know; but every year we see people doing this. I'm assuming some of these folks fall into the subspecies of idiot mentioned above, but I suppose that is neither here nor there

5. Battery powered TVs rock. Once the power's out your listening to someone describe pictures and maps on your radio. It sucks.

6. Did I mention the ice? You cannot have enough ice.

7. For any category 2 (or 3 depending on your location) storms or lower, don't even bother with any of this survivalist stuff. Treat it like the Super Bowl and invite all your friends over; tell them to bring snacks, drinks, games, drinks, and drinks. Oh, and a helmet may be a good idea too. As soon as everyone arrives, commence the the drunken revelry; and by the time your power goes out you should be intoxicated enough to start daring each other to go outside. That's when the real fun begins.

8. Fill all your cars with gas. Most stations won't be able to pump with no power and lines can be miles long. Four hours long.

9. Don't open the freezer/refridgerator once the power goes out. If there's anything in there you want to eat, take it out when you pack everything with ice and put it in a seperate cooler.

10. Make sure you have enough propane to cook everything in your freezer when the ice runs out.

11. If you own a home in a hurricane-prone area and don't have the proper insurance coverage; you're a complete and utter unforgiveable laughable moron. The same goes if you rent and have no renter's coverage. Ditto if you live on the edge of the hundred year flood plain and don't have the appropriate coverage there either. And no, you can't call the insurers days in advance of the storm, because they blackout regions that are in the path of oncoming storms. Unfortunately for many, insurers don't fall into the subspecies of idiot mentioned above.

12. Secure the hell out of everything outside if you can't bring it in.

13. Fill your tub with water for flushing the toilets when the power/water is out.

14. The golden rule that every storm-hardened hurricane cowboy (that's what they call themselves) knows is that once the storm arrives in your area, there are only two kinds of people left - the lucky and the stupid.14. Fill tupperware containers with water and freeze them.

15. Slim Jims rock.

Your mileage may vary, and feel free to add your own rules in the comments. We're all about community here at SBD. Speaking of which, I also recommend making copies of this and handing them out at your next HOA meeting, or at least distributing them in all your neighbors' mailboxes. I'm sure they'll appreciate our obvious expertise.