I rarely remember dreams. Perhaps once a month I’ll remember a snippet or two but it’s rare. This morning I was dreaming that I was taking a pee. At some point my eyes shot open and I ran for the bathroom and peed.
My wife woke up to find me feeling the bed for wet spots.
“What the hell are you doing?” she asked.
“I think I peed the bed.”
“What?”
“I said, I think I peed the bed!”
Now both of us were up and searching for pee. Then she realized that I was standing there in my underwear.
“Are they dry?”
I felt them.
“Yeah. They are.”
She reached over and touched them.
“They’re dry. You didn’t pee the bed. Are you fucking going nuts are what?”
After a fifteen minute reality check I realized that I didn’t pee the bed. But the dream was so real. So vividly real. I dreamed I peed the bed. I thought I peed the bed.
In a parallel universe, I’m certain I peed the bed. Dreams suck.
Well, they can't possibly suck as much as the parallel universe where you actually pissed the bed. Can you imagine? Right in front of your old lady and everything. I mean, there's more silver lining to this than there is cloud - you didn't piss yourself. You gotta take those small victories with you man, it's what keeps people going. Hell, sometimes it's all a guy like me has: "Thank you Jesus, for watching over me last night and making sure I didn't piss the bed. My day is going to be great, I can just feel it."
This one time at band camp....actually it was at my house...I woke to the sounds of what sounded like water splashing. I think some actually hit me. It was dark and I couldn't possibly imagine what in the name that all is holy was going on. Is our roof leaking? Did I spill my glass of water? I was just as discombobulated as my husband who is peeing in the plaque my kids made for him.
I've had that experience myself. Sheer unadulterated terror, followed by unimaginable relief when you realize you didn't piss the bed, followed by a lingering unsettled feeling and nervousness about going back to sleep. It truly sucks.
At least it wasn't poo.
I actually did pee the bed, once. Right before I stopped mixing Alka-Seltzer Cold Medicine with copious quantities of alcohol.