Everything you need to know about Jazz, with an added bonus—a tale from my wedding
I grew up around jazz and jazz musicians. I know what I’m talking about here. It’s more than opinion; it’s goddamned common knowledge. It’s fact. It’s indisputable.
Kenny G does not play jazz. I don’t know what the fuck it is, but hearing even one fucking note from him throws me into a blind rage. I know it’s wrong to wish bad things on other people but in this case I have to make an exception. I hope somebody bludgeons him. He’s a fucking plague. He has fucking hoofed feet. He is evil incarnate.
And you know what’s worse? Anyone who ever spent one single penny on a recording he made or to see him in person. His fans should be lured into an arena under the pretense of a free concert and when properly confined they should be tarred, feathered and permanently marked on the forehead so we can see them coming in the future.
I find it hard to believe that anyone could enjoy the shite that spews from this unholy bastard from hell. They’re the enablers! I would sooner see money given to crack heads than for some idiot to pay a single penny to hear this guy play a single note.
With this man walking the earth THERE CAN BE NO GOD.
If you have no idea what a real sax player sounds like you can download John Coltrane playing Giant Steps and find out.
Here’s an excerpt from a Pat Metheny interview regarding Kenny G:
He had major rhythmic problems and his harmonic and melodic vocabulary was extremely limited, mostly to pentatonic based and blues-lick derived patterns, and he basically exhibited only a rudimentary understanding of how to function as a professional soloist … But he did show a knack for connecting to the basest impulses of the large crowd by deploying his two or three most effective licks (holding long notes and playing fast runs - never mind that there were lots of harmonic clams in them) at the key moments to elicit a powerful crowd reaction (over and over again) . The other main thing I noticed was that he also, as he does to this day, play horribly out of tune - consistently sharp.
He’s the godamned devil is what he is.
Here’s a true story for you.
As I was preparing for my wedding we interviewed a DJ who seemed like he could fit the bill. We had to fill out a lot of forms about what we did and did not want to hear during the reception. I had a very long discussion with this guy and in no uncertain terms he was informed NOT TO BRING ANY FUCKING KENNY G TO MY WEDDING. There were lots of other rules I imposed, such as play no requests unless they are cleared by my aide-de-camp, the best man.
We were all musicians and we didn’t want any shitty music played on my special day. Of course, three minutes into the reception I heard Kenny G come on and I went batshit crazy. The wedding party hadn’t even been introduced yet and I sent my aide-de-camp scrambling into the large hall. Since the wedding party hadn’t been introduced yet as soon as he entered the room everyone started clapping, thinking these were the introductions, but that didn’t stop my good friend.
He waved to the crowd and literally broke into a run towards the DJ and in a voice loud enough for me to hear at a distance I could hear him yelling to,”Get that shit off NOW if you expect to be paid.” From behind the curtain I peered into the room and saw him waving his arms like a maniac and a moment later the “music” stopped. No segue into another song, just dead silence. The crowd was cheering and no one except the three of us knew what the hell it was all about and a moment later the sounds of Sinatra filled the room, again to applause, as my buddy walked back to our holding area waving to the crowd like he was fucking Tony Bennett.
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I've never been a huge jazz fan, but I do enjoy it in the right setting. And ironically, I enjoy stuff like Thelonious Monk more so than more traditional, horn centric, standard jazz (Coltrane notwithstanding). Anyway - I never really had much of an opinion about Kenny G before, aside from the fact that there was something about him I didn't like. And your post seems to have crystallized it all now...
See, we have a local ‘jazz’ radio station - they claim to play 'smooth, easy listening' jazz and basically everytime I flip by that station I'm bored to tears. They play quintessential elevator/waiting room crap music and this includes a very strong helping of Kenny G. Hence, my ambivalent dislike appears to be due to their infatuation with the great pretender and the fact that their entire music model is based on his flavor of bland, talentless, ‘smooth’ crap. Yuck. Now I understand why they leave such a bad taste in my mouth.
Anyway - I just bought the wife a turntable and now I wanna go home now and find my vinyl of Giant Steps and test the speakers…
You're a man after my own heart. I grew up playing jazz music, and had the amazing opportunity to learn for a few years under the tutelage (awesome word) of a guy who could play jazz with any instrument. Jazz is the shit, and if there's a person out there who can honestly say the genre doesn't have singular appeal; then they don't have a soul.
"Smooth Jazz" is my worst nightmare. What that really means is contrived shite for idiots, but they can't call it that...for reasons that elude me. Whatever happened to truth in advertising?
Monk rules, by the way.
With such a wide palette of good jazz to choose from, a multitude of styles, combos, instrumentalists, etc., the mere thought of watering something down to pure shit makes me want to break down and cry.
Good Christ, what will become of us...
Damn Paul, that post kicked ass, and the quote from Pat Metheny was perfect. That's from his rant after the deceiver overdubbed himself into "What a Wonderful World" alongside Louis Armstrong.
Here's a quintessential quote:
"...when Kenny G decided that it was appropriate for him to defile the music of the man who is probably the greatest jazz musician that has ever lived by spewing his lame-ass, jive, pseudo bluesy, out-of-tune, noodling, wimped out, fucked up playing all over one of the great Louis's tracks (even one of his lesser ones), he did something that I would not have imagined possible."
I remember seeing the dickwad on some defunct late-night talkshow, and he was musically masturbating out in the crowd with his fro and his retarded waving of the soprano sax he was defiling. I wanted to torture him and everyone in there that was cheering.
"Everyone in there was cheering"
That's why we have to kill the fans first. They allow this nonsense to go on. Now I'm leaning towards the guillotine.
I believe it's called "adult contemporary." Yanni, the Hasslehoff, and John Tesh also fall into this category.
It's good music to pipe out of a mall fountain, and that's about it.
I believe I heard someone say once that it was "Good music to turn my brain off and veg to" and I thought to myself "I don't think you need to turn your brain off to be a veg pal".
The biggest issue musicians have with he-who-will-not-be-named is that they classified him in the Jazz genre; in music stores, book stores, media. Thus degrading the term Jazz and defacing decades of proud and beautiful music.