Everything you need to know about wine

It’s Friday and that means I’m writing about cultural pursuits. Today we’re tackling wine. You’d be surprised how little you need to know before you can act like a jackass or impress a skank.

Let’s start with the fundamentals. You’ve got your reds and you’ve got your whites. Champagne is beyond the scope of this article and blush is a joke that no elitist would ever tolerate (unless someone gave me a box for free). Since this topic is vast, this week were going to talk exclusively about red wines.

Interesting Fact
Here’s a tip you may not know. Some very fine wines now come with screw caps. Due to problems with cork, more and more wineries have begun using screw on caps, which actually do a great job. No oxidation and no corked wine.

I would be impossible to impart the whole of my wine knowledge in brief, smart-assed article so I’m going to skip over a lot of vital information about pairing wine to food. Instead just remember that a very bold red wine may overpower your palette if you’re eating something delicate.

Red wines are classified in several ways: dry, sweet, heavy, light as well as by varietals and region. Sweet wines are for pussies. If you suspect you might be a pussy, you should probably order a Pinot Noir or a Zinfandel as opposed to a real wine, like Cabernet.

In order to make things practical: If you go to a decent steakhouse like Morton’s or Ruth's Chris the most appropriate wine choice is Cabernet. It’s really that simple. A nice heavy cab is the perfect accent to a New York Strip. When you’re ensconced in a high leather backed booth ordering rare meat, it really is the only choice unless you’re a pussy.

There are some people out there who insist on drinking merlot. I used to tease people who drank merlot until that stupid movie came out and now it’s become passé. In my opinion, merlot is for people who are just starting to enjoy red wines. They can be very smooth and unassuming and I can understand that to some people, any wine that doesn’t taste terrible to them is a good wine. But the fact is, as your palette becomes more educated, you’ll realize that merlots do not have the complexity that a good cab provides. I find them boring. It’s like a virtuoso musician forced to play country music. It’s so simplistic that it’s a tiresome bore.

There are also many fine wines from Europe. It is far beyond the scope of this article to try and impart enough information to be valuable, but I’d like touch on a few things. Spain, Italy and France all produce some incredible wines. If you have a real interest there are many beginner guides out there in paperback and I would recommend you pick one up. But I feel I should give some attention to the Bordeaux region. Especially the clarets. My expertise happens to lie in this area and without a doubt these wines are some of the finest available on planet earth.

About vintages
The fact is, they don’t matter very much to the little guy. Unless you’re serious, you’re not going to know anything about vintages. The average Joe is simply not going to commit vintages to memory. I suppose you could bring a guide with you, but for most people, it’s not as important as knowing what type of wine to drink with what.

Ordering Wine 101

So how do you impress your date at fancy restaurant? Keep your hand off her thigh until the desert course. But I kid. I’m a kidder.

Ordering wine is actually very simple. If the restaurant has a sommelier, he will recommend a wine. This is fine, but keep in mind he’s going to point out several to you from the list at different price ranges. I have a feeling that most of you people have never seen and will never see a sommelier so let’s not waste any more time in fantasyland.

If you’re in an Italian restaurant, pick an Italian wine. It’s really that easy. Which one? The one that costs $40-$50. That means in a liquor store it would cost $25-$35 and a wine in that price range probably won’t taste like piss. Does this seem too simple? If so you could lean about the 3,000 wines Italy produces and make a choice from there. I thought so.

To Be Continued…