Ron, aka Acidman, aka "that guy at Gutrumbles", has gone and sprayed the proverbial waterhose on the hornet's nest that is the blogosphere. Lots of my regular reads have delisted him because of a couple of posts of a suspect nature. That suspect nature is blatant racsism and use of the bad word instead of one of the PC terms for dark skinned people. Don't ask me any more about it than that cause I don't know. I didn't read him before this event and don't see any real reason to start now so I've got no opinion on the matter.

It got me to thinking though...could there be any less appropriate time for me to put up a post that poked fun at some of our racial stereotypes? I mean, outside of a riot or OJ whacking another white chick. I sure can't think of a worse time to post such off color humor (bad pun was intentional) so of course that's exactly what I'm doing. May I proudly (but subject to instant retraction if I get delinked anywhere) present:

The Evolution of the Booty

One of the most common questions I get (besides the pervs asking about cow udders) is "Why do black chicks have such fine booty?" To which I of course reply "How can you say such a thing? That is a slander that perpetuates the stereotypes that black chicks must battle against every day of their lives and doing this is both unfair and at least marginally rascist despite the fact that they do indeed have ultrafine booty. And don't say 'black chicks' as that's neither respectful nor politically correct. Say 'black gals' instead."

But it isn't just black gals, is it? No, there are quite a few black fellas that have premium, Grade-A, USDA Choice keisters. But that's not really it either since a fair number of white gals have what we euphamistically call "bubble butts". In fact, the only race/gender slice that is universally known to never have a delectable booty is the white male*.

Why is this? Well it all has to do with the evolution of the booty. Or, as Cathy Cox would prefer we call it, "bootylicious changes over time". You see, the booty evolved as a biological need, starting with the black male. The most efficient hunting style in the African savannah is for the hunter to sit back, resting his buttocks on his heels, while waiting for game animals to come within range of his weaponry. When a game animal came within range the hunter would spring up, throw his spear and charge down on his quarry. This hunting practice was murder on the knees and over time the hunters who didn't have to squat down as far when they sat on their heels (due to being supported by bigger buttocks) lasted longer as effective hunters. They had more chances to pass on their genes and big butted hunters eventually became the African norm.

Black women evolved bigger butts as a basic safety measure. Do I have to spell this out for you? Okay...take "well endowed" and then figure in "no missionary position until such was introduced by the missionaries" and you can probably figure out why it behooved the black gals to have a bit more cushion back there.

But what about white gals, you ask? Why do some of them have bodacious booty as well? It all comes down to pillows and firewood. You see, pillows are a rather recent invention. Add that to the fact that lots of furniture wasn't used since wood was needed to burn to keep people alive (or to kill them if they were witches) and you can see that white women had to do a lot of their sitting butt down on the floor. This was not only uncomfortable but also potentially dangerous. If there was a raid or something and their butts were asleep from being their impromptu cushion for the past hour then they couldn't run fast and were taken by the invaders. So it just happened that big butt women had a very decent floor sitting advantage over skinny butt women. Eventually these gluteally endowed women made up larger and larger portions of the general population. The white bubble butt phenomenon never got to the universal status that black gals enjoy solely because the flat butts that got captured in raids were often brought back to the raiders' homes and carried on reproductive duties there.

So this leaves the white male as a posessor of a nearly universally reviled posterior. The infamous "flat white ass". On the plus side it means that every white male is quite likely to hook up with a partner who has nicer booty than he does**. Vive la difference!

* George Michael is known to have a delectable booty but he is exempted from white/male status on a technicality. Specifically, his teeth are too white to qualify him as human.

** With the unfortunate exemption of white homosexual males, many of whom are doomed to never enjoy a truly bootylicious partner.