Snooze Button Dreams
Snooze Button Dreams
Snooze Button Dreams
August 04, 2008
Hurrincane Survival Kit
(Category: The Cage )

Okay, so it looks like I will have to craft a serious response for De. Of course, I'm sure she probably knows as much about weathering a hurricane as I or anyone else who lives in a hurricane prone area.

For anyone reading this who may have actually come here looking for real tips on how to survive a hurricane: 1. You're absolutely fucked. 2. I would provide a link, but I'm a Darwinian and if this page is all you could dig up on the web; then your genes must perish for the sake of the herd.

Granted, the storm De's currently referring to is a mere blip on the screen. The only thing she really needs to do is get a party hat on and head down to the corner bar. But I figured I might as well put up a good surivial list that will help you get through most any medium term power outage. Anything beyond a week or more, and your best bet is to hunker down with some ammo and await fixed wing and artillery support.

Without further ado, the Hurricane Survival Kit:

1. Beer, ice, and water. There's no point in stockpiling liquor, as you won't want to waste ice keeping mixers cool. Just a giant cooler or four filled with these three key ingredients. The beer is for survival, and the water and ice are to keep it cold. Warm beer is a recipe for depression, and we all know that survival requires a Positive Mental Attitude.
2. Toilet Paper. Pretty self explanatory. Shit-covered hands are no good at helping you drink beer.
3. For food, you're going to need to stick to canned goods and things you can grill; which means you'll need a can opener and some propane/charcoal/firewood. I suggest a mix of both propane and firewood; because of the entertainment value of a roaring fire. Especially when it's on someone else.
4. Which brings me to the last item you'll need: a few other people, I recommend good friends.

Some people have suggested including boardgames and the like. I have to respectfully disagree, and here's why. The only kind of person who's going to include a boardgame on their survival list is a hopeless fucking dork. Which is not to say we're trying to rule them out of your group of friends, Lord knows we've all got a dorky friend or two. You're just going to have to ask them not to bring the game. You see, these are the kind of people who will bring some nerdy game that they love, but which everyone else is kind of 'Meh' about. Like say, Risk. Of course, everyone else in the group will play a round or two of the game; but when Dorky McLosernut's beer supply begins to run low (and everyone knows goddamn well that he only brought good beer because he knew it would grease the wheels of a thirty-fucking-six hour Risk marathon); resentment will set in. Discord is a real pain in the ass in survival situations, because it usually results in killing. Killing is serious business, and you're not going to have the right tools in a survival situation to cover your tracks properly. If you want to have a form of amusement (besides fire, nature's television) I would recommend something like horseshoes, bocci ball, or the like. They're entertaining, but mindless enough to keep people from wanting to gut each other.

If you've got other neccesities that you'd recommend go ahead and share.

Posted by shank | Permalink | TrackBack (0)
Comments

One year I stocked up on microwave popcorn.
It was a fucking disappointment when the power went out.

Posted by: De at August 4, 2008 02:50 PM

See, if you would have just asked me first, I could have saved your ass already.

I'm like the Gary Busey of survival!

Posted by: shank at August 4, 2008 03:43 PM

So, you'd advise me against microwave popcorn (haha I typed poopcorn at first)?
What about a trashcan fire in the living room?

Posted by: De at August 4, 2008 04:09 PM

Not that I'd advise against popcorn per se, just that it wouldn't show up on my personal list, as it's fairly useless. Poopcorn on the other hand, might be a sign of improper digestion, and maybe you should consult a physician.

Trashcan fires are tricky devils, as anyone who's maintained an address in a boxcar can tell you. I'd say the trashcan fire in the livingroom is only a good idea if your roof has already been peeled back like a crusty scab.

Posted by: shank at August 4, 2008 04:19 PM

A Fleshlight.

Posted by: Keith at August 5, 2008 07:50 AM

A twelve-gauge pump shotgun, to discourage the riff-raff that like to case darkened neighborhoods during such events. A must if you have an emergency generator, because goblins make those a priority rip-off item. If no shotgun, a .357 magnum will work fine, though it's much harder on the ears without protection.

Posted by: diamond dave at August 5, 2008 04:21 PM

I thought about adding that item Dave, as my brand new Mossberg HD would constantly be in the back of my mind during any situation like this.

However, for a few nights of darkness, especially if the neighbors are around, manpower can do the job. But I'd definitely recommend a 12ga. modified choke for home defense, regardless of whether a diaster has struck or not.

Posted by: shank at August 5, 2008 04:26 PM

A Debt Advice Service is available by appointment. A diagnostic Legal Clinic is held once each week with a volunteer lawyer in attendance. Clients will need to have consulted a CAB. The attached Learning the Hard Way report on the outcome of the 2006 National Health Student Survey shows the spiralling debt and exhausting extra hours facing nursing

Posted by: Yel at August 5, 2008 05:00 PM

good

Posted by: tiffany and co at August 7, 2008 04:40 AM

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Thanks

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