On this day in 2003, the last old-style Beetle, the economy car produced by the German automaker Volkswagen, rolled off the assembly line in Puebla, Mexico. Why these German "Cars of the People" or "Vahgens uf da Volk" were being made in Mexico is anybodys' guess. One theory is that Adolf Eichmann opened his own Volkswagen factory in the Yucatan peninsula after he escaped from the Nuremberg trials of 1947-1964. Nobody noticed that an obviously German genocidal maniac had opened a car factory in Mexico because nobody cares about Mexico. It's a great place to go and blend in, whether you're a tourist or someone who has just participated in the slaughter of six million Jews.
But back to the car itself. There are so many things wrong with the Beetle I scarcely know where to begin. First off it's made by Germans, who I hate. Or Mexicans. Not crazy about them either. They may be great engineers but their language and accents are atrocious. A simple "have a nice day" in German sounds like you're being ordered to a gas chamber. Not a pretty language. Secondly, the vehicle looks like a bug. I for one do not want my car to look like an insect. Thirdly, I was in my first accident in a Volkwagen Beetle. We got hit by a Cadillac. A word of advice: If you are going to be hit by a Cadillac, don't be in a Volkswagen. Not surprisingly it looked like a squished bug and everyone in the car was badly injured. Safety was not the first priority of the engineers of the Volkswagen. It's the "car of the people" only if you really hate people and want them either maimed or dead. Which seems to describe the Germans.
A few years after surviving that accident, I, being the genius that I am, bought a Volkswagen Beetle. It ran like shit, had no power steering or air conditioning, always smelled like gasoline so I always wondered when I would explode and the worst part was the engine was in the trunk. Who thought that up? I was always throwing shit into the engine. Groceries, luggage, you name it. Which is probably why it ran like shit. And I avoided Cadillacs like the plague.
So I'm glad that the old style Beetle has been retired. Unfortunately, they've brought it back. And it's still as small, round and ugly as ever. And just as popular. With fucking hippies. It's always been a hippy car but now it's the car of the neo-hippies. I hold anyone in a Beetle with absolute contempt. The people who drive them are either hippy college kids who want you to believe they care about the environment, or it's 50-60 year old boomers who are reliving their college days. I don't know who's worse. Eh, I hate them both equally.
In conclusion, I hate the Volkswagen Beetle. And hippies. Also, I'd like everyone to leave a comment about your experiences with the Beetle. Or your experiences with anal bleeding. Hell, I don't care what you leave a comment about, just leave a comment. I'd like to break my previous Today in History record of 4 lousy comments. God, is anybody even reading this? I just want a little adoration. Is that so much to ask? Do you people have any idea how much thought and sweat and time I put into this website? Any idea? A good 20-25 minutes a week, you bastards. Type my fingers to the bone. Fucking ungrateful fucks. I hate you all.
Don't forget to comment! Thanks!!!
"Neo-hippies" is a great term.
I have a friend from high school who drove a Beetle for a while. He's more of a geek than a hippy, but I think he was married at that point and his wife could be a neo-hippy.
Oh Owly! Thanks ever so much for the comment. It made my day. But please, a little more adoration, please.
I likes the Beetles. But I'm a homo.
My brother is restoring a convertible bug that belongs to my aunt. She's a raging dirt worshipper; great, wonderful person; but a total hippie.
I have no other Beetle experiences; for obvious reasons.
Thanks for the comments, guys and gays. That's 5 but 2 are from me. A little depressing.
So, the other day while finishing up from baptizing a democrat, I saw some red on the paper after the third wipe. It appears my ass is bleading. Any advice on what I should do about it?
also... VW made in Mexico = Junk. VW made in Germany = Good. American's mostly buy the Mexican ones (Jetta's and Beetles).
Forgot - Bill/Will - I adore you.
That is all.
Well we owned 2 beatles growing up and both of them were... easy to maintain but... try going up a bridge in a fully loaded beatle.. yeah.. not happening. Anyway the new ones are blah... but I own a VW Passat, and I can't say that I have any complaints.
Clancy, I love you. As for the 3rd wipe ass-bleed, I wouldn't be too concerned. It's likely just hemmeroids or an irritated colon pollop.
On the other hand, it could be cancer.
I forgot about that, Pylorns. Absolutely no power. My sister owned the bug and she was always driving me and my 3 other siblings everywhere.
I vaguely remember everyone getting out of the car at hills and pushing the damn thing. Or it broke down and we were pushing it.
We were the friggin' Flintstones for Pete's sake.
See what happens when you throw a tantrum during a post and literally beg for comments?
You get comments in the double digits. Even if half of them are yours.
Joy!
Cancer. Thanks Bill, I needed that.
I guess I should go to the doctor and let him shove some monsterous thing up my ass, huh?
While I'm there I see if I can get him to do a colonoscopy too...
Ass bleeding...ah what a fun time all around. Third wipe--not too concerned. Third poop--not too concerned. Third poke--not too concerned. Keep your eye on that puppy.
Will, you are not only my flame but the love of my life. A genius of comedy and prose. Does it count from moi?
VW Beetle-light blue convertible, I hesitate to say this for the wrath of Will will cometh but I think they're cute.
Ah, Flame! How doth I love thee!
However, Thy love of thyne lyghte blue Beetlebug doth irrytate me thus.
I had a 68 "superbeetle" I paid 450.00 for in 1983.
Some highlights of what made it "super":
The front hood latch would malfunction,throwing the hood up vertically in front of the windshield.I corrected this with a length of chain and a giant diaper pin.Oh,I was so punk rock.
It had a positive grounding system,so I put a battery in the trunk to power the stereo,if I stopped suddenly it would tumble around the trunk leaking acid everywhere.
Once,on my way to class,I got cut off at my exit and had to brake hard...the left rear locked up and propelled me halfway across a very steep median.
It required a bungie cord around the gear shirt to remain in 4th gear.
It was pumpkin orange.
God dammit!I miss that car!
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