From Jeff Goldstein@Protein Wisdom:

St James Presbyterian Church in Littleton, CO wondered, “If you could ask God one question, what would it be?” — an exercise that drew hundreds of responses, most of them (sadly) quite predictable.

Notes the Rocky Mountain News, “the 10 most-asked questions will be sermon grist for the next 10 Sundays.”

The results:

What’s my life all about?
Why are some people healed and others not?
Will you really forgive me?
Why do you allow disasters, violence, tragedies, and war?
What’s your plan for the world?
Do you love me? And, if so, why?
Why are there so many religions in the world?
What’s your will for my life?
Why is there suffering, and why does it have to happen to children?
What happens after we die?

Lucky for the faithful, I happen to have an inside line to God. He and I were on the same intramural b-ball team in college...Man, those were the days. Little known fact - God is a kickass beer pong player. Just devastating.

Anyways, we have a regular lunch meeting setup; you know, just the old crew reminiscing over burgers and what not; so I forwarded these questions to him. Behold, the word of God:

What’s my life all about?
I know exactly who asked this question, it was that guy Aaron from Hell's Kitchen. We've had this discussion several times man. Your life is about going back to that kitchen in the old folks home and slinging oatmeal. Look, someone's got to do it; and you can't do anything else. Don't sweat it though, in your next life you won't be such an insufferable pussy.

Why are some people healed and others not?
Who comes up with these questions? Are there no more after-school movies or Very Special Episodes anymore?

Will you really forgive me?
Of course I will my child! But you're still going to Hell.

Why do you allow disasters, violence, tragedies, and war?
Seriously, who's letting their kids fill out their survey? That's some lazy shit, but I'll answer this one because it's easy. I don't allow disasters, violence, tragedies, and war on purpose - you numbnuts actually create most of them on your own. You ever heard of Columbine II, Cincinnati Syndrome, or the Carrot Top show? Of course not! I prevented them (and many other horrible things) from ever happening. I just can't keep pace with you people, so some of the shit slips past me. Do you have any idea how much of my time is spent keeping California and Florida above water? And you just want more more more. Typical.

What’s your plan for the world?
Truthfully, my plan got blown to shit in Eden man, and I haven't really been big on plans in a couple thousand years. I just kind of take it day by day, you know? Try not to get all wrapped up in myself and what I want to do; and just kind of...roll with it; ya know?

Do you love me? And, if so, why?
Yes, very much so; but I don't know why. It's a combination of things. Well, that and there's no one else out there. Oh shit, I don't think I should've said that.

Why are there so many religions in the world?
Again, that's all you. And just for the record, some of the shit you guys will believe in and do for your faith is ludicrous. I'm not impressed when you get all juvenile and hurt someone for me; I could do that on my own if I really gave a shit.

What’s your will for my life?
To quit asking me the same questions over and over again. It's not functional for our relationship to be solely based on my wants from you. Maybe we should...spend some time apart for a while. Just as a trial.

Why is there suffering, and why does it have to happen to children?
Yeah, sorry about that. Sometimes I just get totally bombed and just angry-drunk as hell and do that. I'm totally embarrassed but I can't change the past, right?

What happens after we die?
That varies greatly. I mean, sometimes you go to Hell, sometimes you go to Heaven, and sometimes we just fuck with you a little. Like when Ghandi died, we all totally played this trick on him. Man, we sent him down this spinning black hole that ended in this lake of fire, and right before he hit the flames I scooped his ass up. You should have seen the look on his face! He was pretty pissed for a while, but you know how Ghandi is. He always comes back around.