Did I ever tell you about the time I almost got my right nut bit off in a freakish dog encounter? It was Friday the 13th about 30 years ago (cue ominous pipe organ music). The sky was black and the winds howled. Actually, it was a pretty sunny afternoon in picturesque Newark, New Jersey. I was playing football with a few friends. Claude, who we used to call Matt, because that was his name, threw me a long pass...

Interesting Aside

Matt (Claude) is the drummer for Ween, not to name drop. I taught him how to drum. Really. Impressed? Why I'm not a famous rock musician, I'll never know. You think he sends me a check every now and then in appreciation for all I did for him? Hell no. He won't even return my calls, the prick. That bastard wouldn't know a drum set if it bit off his right nut if it wasn't for me. Do I get free tickets to his concerts? No. When I try to sneak backstage because "I know the drummer", do I get free food and booze? No, I get kicked in the nads and tossed into the street by one of the Ween goons.

Also, Ween Goons is an excellent name for a rock band.

End Interesting Aside

So the rotten prick throws me a long pass and I make this spectacular, over-the-shoulder catch, keeping both feet barely in bounds. Very Lynn Swann. Maybe we weren't playing football. I don't really remember. What I do remember is dog fangs ripping through my underwear and into my flesh. Okay, I don't really remember that either. But I do remember standing in my neighbors front lawn with my pants in shreds. Then I remember running home in my underwear crying because there was blood all over them. I get home and my mother lays me down, takes off my underwear and does a nut check. Both were there but about a half inch from my right one are teeth marks and ripped flesh. Enough to warrant stitches, which I'd never had before.

My Dad takes me to the doctor who proceeds to give me 4 stitches. Under the watchful eyes of a nurse, who thought that my 8 year old, inch and a half penis was hilarious. As a matter of fact, everyone had a good laugh - the doctor, the nurse and my Dad all thought the whole thing was hilarious. Me and my tiny penis just laid there and endured the laughter and humilation.

Now, every Friday the 13th at about 6pm, I do two shots of tequila while I gently rub my right testicle and sob quietly to myself.