But sometimes it just has to be done. If you are a man, and you wear cologne, you are wearing way too much of it. It’s offensive and migraine inducing. You know, it’s all about subtly. Swimming laps in that shit is not going to get you layed.

And if you do wear cologne there are only two acceptable types. Very expensive or very cheap. Ignore the middle ground. I wear a tiny bit of cologne; you’d have to be close enough to lick my neck to smell it. I won’t disclose exactly what it is because it’s not important, but it is of the very expensive variety. Anybody close enough to smell it immediately swoons. If you’re in the market, look for something classic that’s been on the market for many years. There’s a reason it’s been around a long time.

If you decide to go cheap, go very cheap. Old Spice. Yeah, it’s sweet, but not nauseating like a lot of middle ground products, including but not limited to, Polo, Drakkar, et. al.

Recently I’ve come across a few women who are wearing way too much perfume as well. In fact this post was partially inspired by a lunchtime incident, where I was walking into the building and even though the breeze was blowing I could smell perfume. By the time I entered the lobby I saw the source of the odor entering an elevator. I pity the people trapped in there with her. Good thing there’s no smoking allowed anywhere anymore because that broad would have gone up like that Buddhist monk on the cover of Life.

Walking back down the hall to my office I was overwhelmed, as I am everyday after lunch, by the smell of men’s cologne. Maybe I should put out a memo that dousing yourself with cologne after a break does not cover up the smell of pot.