I got this email the other day from The Spinster. It said, and I quote:

"Bitch. That is all."

Seriously, I go AWOL for two weeks and all I get in my inbox is penis enlargement spam and some scrunt calling me a bitch? I mean, it doesn't bother me that I'm not a man of the people or anything; but I'd like to think it would've been worth her while to make something of it. Christ, the creativity on that one.

I was actually only on the honeymoon for most of that time; the laziness just carried over. Well, that and the mountain of work I had in my office when I returned. For fuck's sake, next time I go on an extended vacation I'm going to hire a temp to come in for three hours a day and field phone calls, handle stupid problems, and call me for dire situations. I get back to my office on Monday and there's literally 140 emails in my inbox. 135 of them are from complete fucking idiots. I forwarded them to my CEO with the message: "Fire these people. Their emails are proof that I do their work anyway. C'mon, I'll split the salary savings with the company 70/30."

I was on the bus the other day, and this big motherfucker sitting behind me had the worst breath ever. He was speaking to some people sitting across from me, and everytime he opened his goddamn yapper, a wave of the most awful shit overcame me. It was like this sonofabitch had not only been smoking meth and eating garlic foccacia, but he was washing it down with shithouse waste water and refusing to brush. I'm pretty sure he only had a handful of teeth, the majority of which were either black or held together with some kind of oral fungus that grew like wild kudzu. Fuck.

At any rate, I'm back. Not that any of you care to reed my profanity riddled screeds, which mostly revolve around personal neuroses and border on the mildly intelligble. Which reminds me. My sister was chastising me the other day for wearing pleated slacks. Are they really out? I mean, they're not 80's style triple-pleat or anything, and I'm not a heavyset guy; so I figured a single pleat was flattering. Fuck. I hope I haven't been wearing ugly slacks all season. That would...just be...I don't care.