I went shopping over the weekend. That’s not something I say with pride. Fact of the matter is I needed something and was forced to go get it. We walked into the place and my wife and I split up, her, naturally, to women’s shoes and I to menswear.

My mission was accomplished quickly enough and having no desire to hang around the women’s shoe department so I got to looking around. I saw it all. A pair of men’s jeans that cost $180. WTF? I’m not cheap and I was appalled. I can’t imagine the idiot that spends $180 on jeans but I’d like to meet him.

Next I went to sport coats which I’m always in the market for. I love me my sport coats. It’s amazing what will catch your eye when you’re not looking for something specific. And that’s just what happened because I glanced up and sitting there before my eyes was a seersucker suit. It was a thing of beauty. I reached up and touched the fabric and smiled.

The first thing that occurred to me was I would need a straw hat to go with it. The next thing that occurred to me was what a perfect ass I would look like wearing that thing. I stood there lost in thought for a few moments; it was as if my whole life was flashing before my eyes. Yes, if I wore that suit I would look like a pompous ass. The perfect ass. I immediately started looking for my size when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“What do you think you’re doing?” It was my wife.

“I’m buying this fine suit of clothes.”

“Have you lost your fucking mind?”

“On the contrary—“

“Stop. You realize that you’ll have to wear white shoes with this? Are you prepared to wear white shoes?”

I wasn’t. That was a show stopper for me. And gingerly, I put the suit back on the shelf. When I turned she was already walking away and I had to trot to catch up. She had already forgotten the suit.

Four days later, I have not. And this morning I found out that it’s permissible, even fashionable, to wear tan loafers with a seersucker. I’d been had.