Most people are ineffectual by nature. And by ineffectual I mean lazy, lollygagging dullards. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to surpass them. I suspect an hour a day of solid work is all you need to look better than them.
People who call a lot of meetings fall into these categories:
a.) Can’t or won’t make their own decisions
b.) Believe in decision by committee
c.) Are out of their league intellectually
d.) Are seeking other people to do the heavy lifting
Most people attending meetings are trying not to take on any action items. Your job is to appear busier and smarter than anyone else in the room without talking too much.
Rule #1: Never be early or late to a meeting.
Too early and you look like you’ve got nothing better to do. Also, people could ask questions that if you answered with the room empty become someone else’s ideas when the room is full. Being late is never a good idea either.
If you stroll in five minutes early carrying a grande latte or whatever the hell those things are you look like your relaxed and at ease—and that’s not good. You need to look like you’re working your ass off, not standing in line for expensive ersatz coffee.
Rule #2: Ask for an agenda.
How important can a meeting be if there’s no agenda? A lot of people calling meetings don’t publish one and it makes them look idiotic when you ask. After all, you’re busy and have little time for small talk.
Rule #3: Keep looking at your watch
Don’t overdue it, but you have to look like you have responsibilities and deadlines. I walk around looking like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
Rule #4: Ask the question
“Who’s going to publish the minutes for this meeting?” It’s always the first thing I ask. By asking who will do it you remove yourself from the equation. It’s also a good idea to let the blowhards know that if they commit to something in that room they will be held to it.
Rule #5: Speak up
Important phrases to use at a meeting:
“I think we’re getting off track here.”
“I think that’s beyond the scope of this meeting.”
“Enough with the abstract, let’s talk about what’s practical.”
The idea is to keep this shit moving, because to most people, a meeting is just a place to sit down and bullshit/pontificate/theorize.
Rule #6: Your opinion
One sentence: “The concept is fundamentally sound.” You really can’t go wrong with that one.
If asked for suggestions I usually let other people speak first and watch the reactions they get. I never look directly at the speaker; I watch the face of the highest ranking officer. If someone starts sinking I’ll usually let them kill themselves unless I smell haughtiness, in which case I’ll jump in and really point out their stupidity.
Rule #7: Things you should never say in a meeting
“I’d like to be more involved with this project.”
“I can expedite some of the paperwork.”
“Jane’s tits can’t possibly be real.”
Need I elaborate?
Rule #8: What not to wear to a meeting
You never want to look too prosperous. Meetings, and the workplace in general, is not a good place to wear a Rolex. Get the idea?
Rule #9: Act like a professional
Gum chewing, pen twirling and leaning back in your chair are not good ideas. Most importantly, for the love of God, don’t keep scratching you head and your ears. You look like you’ve got fucking lice. I sat through a meeting this morning and watched as two separate people dug at their scalp and their ears with total abandon. I was sooo close to screaming at them.
Rule #10: Navigating shallow water
This really entails a full post. Evaluating the battle lines is crucial. Which faction is stronger or more important plays a key part in your strategy. The outcome of most meetings is predetermined anyway. Rarely do people seek honest council in a conference room. The scene played out is usually to reinforce policy or to put pressure on a group to deliver more. Sometimes it’s pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey or hot potato. Who’s budget is getting hit with what, who’s to blame for the Mongolian Cluster in Chicago, etc. It’s best to determine what the purpose of the meeting really is before you get there.
