Back by popular demand. This week we’re taking a look at etiquette. If there’s one thing that pisses me off it’s poor manners. It’s one thing to live like a caveman in your own home—but it’s entirely another thing to do it in public.

I know manners, as they were drummed into me as a child and as a young man by my parents, who hoped I’d somehow turn out better than I did. I fell well short of everyone’s mark but I do remember my manners. This doesn’t mean I’m an etiquette Nazi. I just don’t want to hear public farting. There’s a big difference.

Very few people still adhere to age old manners of the royal court and to the completely outdated standards set by Emily Post. That broad was born in 1873 so you can bet your ass things have changed. You know, with electricity and all. So let’s get to it.

Greetings
Up until the 19th century proper etiquette stated that you should never speak to someone that you were not actually, personally introduced to. That type of familiarity was unheard of in England at the time.

If you were actually introduced to someone, the only proper greeting was, “How do you do?”

The response was either another; “How do you do?” or the person could simply bow instead.

I don’t expect people to exercise these standards in modern day America, although there still is a place for them on occasion. Here’s what I do expect:

When greeting someone look them in the eye, stand up straight and shake hands. Don’t wave your drink at them. Don’t nod at them like you’re the Prince of Wales acknowledging the pee boy.

And for God’s sake shake hands properly. Nothing disgusts me more than a limp shake. Everyone has experienced “the boneless hand” before. It’s something of an enigma to me, how anyone could go through life with that handshake having met no repercussions of any kind. I always figured one day they would give the boneless shake and some guy would feel the near lifeless hand, spin the guy around and de-pants and defile him standing up right there, with a few grunts and a brief apology, along the lines of, “Sorry about the mess.”

Almost as bad is the double shaker. That’s the guy who clasps your hand with both of his hands and pumps away. I refuse to tolerate the double shake because I always get the feeling he’s going to pull me in and head-butt me. If I get the double shake I always step right and shift my weight so if I have to throw him I can.

In the old days when a man passed a woman with whom he was not acquainted he would tip his hat, where if he were acquainted with her he would bow. We don’t do this anymore. We now have two options if you don’t know the woman you are passing on the street. The first is to smile politely and the second is to ignore her, making no eye contact whatsoever. In both cases, it is polite to turn after a few steps and oogle her ass. Well, not exactly, but it’s taken for granted. It is not polite to whistle or to make audible noises or grunts. Public grunting is never good manners.

Etiquette is such a broad topic that I might have to address it in parts, as I’d hate to skip over some important topics, like distinguishing a tea from a reception. For instance, according to Post, the menu defines the event. A tea, for instance:

Only tea, bouillon, chocolate, bread and cakes are served. There can be all sorts of sandwiches, hot biscuits, crumpets, muffins, sliced cake and little cakes in every variety that a cook or caterer can devise—whatever can come under the head of “bread and cake” is admissible; but nothing else, or it becomes a “reception,” and not a “tea.”

I bet you idiots have been fucking this up for years, huh? Well, there’s more where that came from.

To be continued.