Twenty Major: The Interview

As the winner of Best Irish Blog in the recent Irish Blog Awards, Twenty Major stands head shoulders above the rest. We badgered Twenty until he agreed to talk to us on the record:

SBD: One thing we love about your blog is your liberal use of the word "cunt." Here in America we're very repressed. Most American bloggers wouldn't dream of using "cunt" at all, mainly because we're pussies who are afraid of our women. Does everyone in Ireland use "cunt" as liberally as you or is it frowned upon? Personally, I'd like to see more clergy use the term. Do the clergyman in Ireland say it a lot?

TM: It's still quite taboo really, you certainly wouldn't hear a priest saying "Let us pray, you cunts", or "Our cunt, who art in heaven." Although the priest might say "If you tell anyone what I just did to you, 11 year old altar boy, I'll kill you, you sored arsed little cunt." Personally I like to think the site is helping to spread the glory of such an underused and wonderful word. Most of the clergy in Ireland now say "I didn't touch him, I swear", before they're sent to work in Boston. I'd like to see more American bloggers use the word though. Certainly that Instapundit fellow could liven up his site with a 'cunt' here and there and that lad from Star Trek needs to get more in touch with the common Irishman if he really wants to make. Wesley cunting Crusher, indeed.

SBD: We've had enough of Bono. Is there anything you can do to control the fucker?

TM: No. We've been trying for years. Luckily he seems to spend a lot of time outside the country. Adam Clayton is nice though. For a robot. You do know he's a robot, don't you?

SBD: How'd you get the name Twenty Major?

TM: Major is a brand of cigarette in Ireland, smoked by old codgers, curmudgeons and pigeon fanciers. Twenty Major and a box of matches was something you'd hear in the newsagents or in bars. Naturally I smoke Major. I would like to stress that as it's illegal for cigarette companies to advertise and sponsor anything these days they're certainly not handing me a great lump of cash, off the books, each month.

SBD: What's the difference between Ireland and Scotland?

TM: That is a good question. There are more protestants. Also they're pretty much incoherent before they drink whereas Irish are ioncoherent after drink. There's a bar I sometimes go to, don't tell Ron, owned by a man called Alan from Glasgow. I cannot understand a word he says until I've had at least 4 pints then I can speak fluent Scottish. The men also wear skirts when they go to weddings which is a bit gay really. You can call it a 'kilt' if you like but lets be honest, it's a skirt.

SBD: What's more Irish: Potatoes, Guinness, or the word 'cunt'?

TM: Guinness. Potatoes are a stereotype. The word cunt is not particularly Irish. I imagine it to be Germanic. It's got that harshness that only a German or a visigoth could have mustered. Guinness came to the fore after the potato famine. We put all our eggs, so to speak because we didn't have any eggs, in one basket there. Now Guinness is like one of those Slimfast shakes. It's a meal. 10 pints of Guinness a day and nobody starves so if the English try to kill us all again it just won't work. Check out the belly on a regular Guinness drinker. There are fat reserves there to fill the humps of a 8 humped camel, if such a thing existed. When there's a worldwide food shortage due to global warming, pesticides in foods and genetically modified crops becoming inedible Ireland will be the healthiest, tubbiest nation on earth. And we won't share. We only send the gone off barrels anyway,

SBD: Would you piss drink warm Guinness if it were free?

TM: I'm not quite sure what you mean. If you mean 'If you could piss warm Guinness would you drink it?' then the answer is yes, yes I would. If I could piss Guinness I'd be the richest man in the land. If you mean 'Would you drink warm Guinness if it were free' then the answer is no. A man has to have standards and while I would happily fill a pint glass with my own Guinness piss I would prefer to pay for cold Guinness than drink warm free Guinness.

SBD: In American bars, there's usually a dish of complimentary peanuts or pretzels to snack on. What do they have in Dublin bars?

TM: There is no such thing as compimentary snacks in Dublin bars. Sometimes Ron puts out some Ritz crackers but Stinking Pete is the only one to eat them and they give him the raging scuts each time. He never learns.

SBD: How many pints would it take before you had sex with Mary McAleese?

TM: All of them.

SBD: How many pints would it take before you had sex with Britney Spears (current skanky incarnation)?

TM: You mean there was a previous non-skanky version? I must have missed that. Her current pie-eating physique means she'd fit in well in most Dublin nightclubs. Mini-skirt and enormous thighs is not a good look.

SBD: Shane McGowan. First thought to come to your mind?

TM: Why aren't you dead yet?

SBD: Have you ever been ejected from Ron's?

TM: Never. Dirty Dave was thrown out once for suggesting that Ron gave him the wrong change. He insisted he'd given Ron a twenty. Ron said he gave him a ten. There was a big argument and Ron fucked him out on his ear. When he did the money at the end of the night he found himself a tenner up. He didn't say sorry but when Dave asked for a whiskey the next night he gave him a triple and only charged him for a double. He's big hearted once you get to know him.

SBD: How sorry are you that you agreed to this sad fucking excuse for an interview?

TM: Not sorry at all. I love interviews.