Ancient History

First of all, who was Valentine? Nobody really knows. The Roman Catholic Church lists three St. Valentines, all of whom were martyred.

There’s a lot of legends and I guess if I gave a shit I could list some, but for the sake of brevity let’s keep the story moving. In ancient Rome, some fertility ritual or another took place around February 15th. They’d slaughter a goat and a dog and then dip strips of their hides into the blood. That’s when the fun began.

Then boys would run around the city slapping girls with the bloody hide in order to make them more fertile. Between that and all the drinking from lead pots it’s no wonder the Roman empire collapsed, but that’s another story.

I’m losing interest in this post, but if you want to have yourself a real Valentines celebration this year you’re probably going to jail for animal cruelty so it may be a good idea to just stick with a card and some flowers.

Modern History

Guys purchase gaudy lingerie and give it to their girlfriends. I don’t know what they’re thinking, but they do this. I’ve had conversations with guys over this before and there’s no getting through to them.

“That’s a gift for you dumbass. You’re supposed get a gift for them. No ulterior motives. You know…something romantic. What you’ve got there looks like a very cheaply made undergarment for an 1870s era prostitute.”

“No way, Dude. She’s going to be into this.”

I don’t know why people don’t listen.