Every year the Oscar nominations come out, and without fail, I haven’t seen any of the films. I rarely leave my compound for any reason, but going to the movies is actually painful. I dislike other people and movie theaters put me in too close a contact with the masses. The fucking Herefords, grazing and plodding along with no self-awareness, eating giant buckets of popcorn coated with who knows what, talking on cell phones and cluttering up the general landscape of my life.

In addition, most people have no manners and my aggravation level skyrockets when I’m forced into close quarters with Neanderthals. When I watch a movie I concentrate. I like to become absorbed in the film. The cinematography, the music, the editing—if done well create a separate world for me that I enjoy very much. I hang on every word or dialog. I relax and forget my troubles.

And I can’t do that when some jerkoff is pressing his feet into the back of my chair. Or while some halfwit is talking because he’s too much of a dullard to follow a basic plot line. Without fail some people are late and then you have to watch them walking around in front of you trying to find a seat. How can I concentrate or relax with all that shit going on?

Even the new places where I can sit on a couch and drink green bottles are a hassle when people start talking near you. I just can’t do it.

Am I missing something? I imagine I am. A big screen is certainly better than a small one and I realize the dramatic enhancement. Many people seem to enjoy seeing a movie in a room full of other people. I don’t know, I read somewhere recently that people feel they’re sharing the movie as a group and that some sort of feeling of togetherness comes from it, or makes the event more special for them. Personally, I can’t imagine being that needy.

If a movie isn’t available on DVD I haven’t seen it.