I’m starting to get a lot of emails about Christmas and nary a one has been positive. Christmas stress can be high level.

Trying to live up to past holidays. The huge expense and time commitments. Facing the holidays alone, losing relatives, owning up to failed relationships…it all adds up.

Most of my Christmases have been very good. Some were fantastic. Two of them were train wrecks beyond comprehension.

One year I completely disappeared. I told one set of people I was going to ‘Point A’ and another set of folks that I was going to ‘Point B.’ In actuality, I sat in a shabby apartment by myself from December 20th through January 2nd with no contact with the outside world.

I told myself it was exactly what I wanted, but I was miserable. More miserable than I had ever been previously in my entire life. I strongly suggest to anyone who has this bright idea to remove all firearms from the shabby apartment before settling in. I would also avoid sitting in the dark, reading depressing books and intentionally eating a peanut butter sandwich for Christmas dinner (to prove to yourself that you do not care about any of this).

Good Will Towards Man

Every year there’s a stampede in some discount store where people are hospitalized after being run down by a mob trying to grab the last something or other. It happens ever year. And while I’ve never seen anything as dramatic as that in person, I have seen some completely outrageous behavior while Christmas shopping. Yesterday I saw two guys fighting it out over a satellite radio. It is not the commercialization of Christmas that bothers me. It’s the rudeness. The pushing and shoving. Shopping the last week of December can be a fucking cutthroat affair. I hold doors open for people all year round, so I really don’t dig the animosity.

Hey, No Pressure!

Perhaps the worst thing about Christmas is the automatic obligations. Look at Christmas cards. Have you ever seen a more clear-cut case of peer pressure? Just opening the mail everyday takes forever this time of year. Who’s got time for all this shit?

And the gifts. I don’t even know where to start with one, so let’s just go with the biggest problem: the people who you’re not sure about. They may buy you something and they may not. If they did, and you didn’t…that’s some uncomfortable shit. It doesn’t get any worse.

Great to see you guys!

I’m neither a medical doctor nor a psychiatrist, yet I know acute mental illness when I see it. My family is chock full o’ nuts. Most are. The best thing to do about visiting relatives is to get yourself a prescription. A little something to take the edge off can make the whole thing a lot easier on everybody.

In closing

[This section was edited to remove sentimental content]-ed.

p.s. I am still at war with the Coca Cola Bottling Company for taking Santa Claus off the cans this year—then lying about it. Religious figure my ass. I have just crossed over to Pepsi.